How are you feeling?

[Miserum]

It's so fucking annoying how I can't relax around people.

Symptoms: sweating, stuttering, tight throat, tense muscles, unclear verbalizing of thoughts, losing track of thoughts, can't concentrate, extra seriousness or extra dumbness depending on the day. Multiply these by 1000 if there is anyone I find attractive within a five mile radius.

Some days, though, I'm perfect. It's like easy socializing forever hangs just on the edge of comprehension, like a word that's on the tip of my tongue, or an involved idea that I've grasped just after smoking too much weed and then forgetting immediately.

I'm currently living with a guy that's great at socializing. A very easygoing type who is bothered by nothing that the world has to offer.

Trying to learn from him--through observation--but not be him.

 

[Graeme1988]

Pissed off. Naw, let me rephrase that: utterly fucking fed-up with the family drama I have to put up with on an almost daily basis. But I'm never allowed to say anything about it.

I have to listen to my mother and oldest sibling complain to me every time there's an argument. But, aside from a few exceptions, I'm rarely allowed to do the same. It's frustrating, to say the least... because to my ears, it's the same old story. And they wonder why I just let a defeated sigh every time after they get done complaining.

 

[theoutsider]

There's a weird war going on between my body and my brain.

On the one hand, we have my aging carcass, who just wants to eat and nap and be content with the status quo.

On the other, we have my conscious mind, who's telling me to put my butt into overdrive, before it's finally too late to have any semblance of a normal life.

I can relate!

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I can relate!

It's depressing. This is the oldest I've ever been, I have nothing to compare it to, ha ha . But at least if you've gotten out and lived, even if life has kicked your butt and you've made all the wrong decisions, you can at least say you tried... you have something to show for it, if nothing else. I'm getting old just like them, but when I look back over my life, it's just a long, blank page. Anyway, I know I've been spared a lot of things, but the one thing I appreciate now that I didn't when I was younger, is just how much you learn and grow from negative experiences.

 

[vj288]

I miss having friends to talk to. I mean I have friends and other people I can talk to and hangout with which I'm grateful for, but I miss having brutally honest conversation.

People would sometimes say internet friends aren't "real" friends because you're missing nuances that face-to-face interactions have. While I agree some things are lost, I think other things are gained. I'd never felt more connected with people than I had through forums and chatrooms online when I was able to honestly say who I was and what I was feeling, whether it was a deep and meaningful subject like like my laundry list of mental designations or something mundane like what food I like or that the vacuum cleaner I use is deceivingly heavy.

And this isn't a "well back in my day..." post as I think the internet is largely the same. No, SPW isn't, but there are other forums and apps and whatever that provides a similar platform that this place once did. This is a situation of missing something that is completely self-imposed. I feel like there's something blocking me from being open and honest about things, mundane or meaningful. I would say it's that there are things I want to keep to myself, but I have always had things I want to keep to myself.

I can't really pinpoint the exact problem. Maybe I dislike myself in a way I didn't before, holding me back from letting others see me for who I am. Or maybe I'm distancing myself for the benefit others, since I don't feel like I can be depended on now or in the future. Maybe it's simply that too much of what is going on inside me is connected to things I know are better kept to myself and would likely distance me from others more if I shared. I don't know.

I miss it not being this way though.

 

[LoyalXenite]

I miss having friends to talk to. I mean I have friends and other people I can talk to and hangout with which I'm grateful for, but I miss having brutally honest conversation.

People would sometimes say internet friends aren't "real" friends because you're missing nuances that face-to-face interactions have. While I agree some things are lost, I think other things are gained. I'd never felt more connected with people than I had through forums and chatrooms online when I was able to honestly say who I was and what I was feeling, whether it was a deep and meaningful subject like like my laundry list of mental designations or something mundane like what food I like or that the vacuum cleaner I use is deceivingly heavy.

And this isn't a "well back in my day..." post as I think the internet is largely the same. No, SPW isn't, but there are other forums and apps and whatever that provides a similar platform that this place once did. This is a situation of missing something that is completely self-imposed. I feel like there's something blocking me from being open and honest about things, mundane or meaningful. I would say it's that there are things I want to keep to myself, but I have always had things I want to keep to myself.

I can't really pinpoint the exact problem. Maybe I dislike myself in a way I didn't before, holding me back from letting others see me for who I am. Or maybe I'm distancing myself for the benefit others, since I don't feel like I can be depended on now or in the future. Maybe it's simply that too much of what is going on inside me is connected to things I know are better kept to myself and would likely distance me from others more if I shared. I don't know.

I miss it not being this way though.

I miss the old forums and chatrooms, nothing feels the same as those did to me. SPW is like a shadow of the old forums, hints of how it used to be but with only a few of us left here its not quite the same. I'd agree that part of the problem is I dont put myself out there like I used to, for a multitude of reasons. But there arent places with the same vibe that we used to have

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Dragging along today, not much energy; of course, I had a "conversation" with my mother earlier, so that's probably why I feel so drained.

 

[Phoenixx]

Pretty pissed off tonight. I was having a pretty good day, but the draining week has left me with a short temper for anything. Came home to my husband doing a dangerous job alone, by himself, which scared me and of course left me pissed because I was scared and think he was being way too stupid and should've waited for help tomorrow. Then tonight I realized the brand new comforter got washed yesterday while my mom was here*, even though she didn't have to do any laundry, she somehow bleached the damn thing and managed to melt some of the batting in the dryer. I'm super pissed about it because 1) I can't buy it separate, it came in a set and 2) I bought it on sale and non-sale price is over $100, so it's not like I can easily replace it. Sometimes it's always the little things that really set me off. It's so stupid, but god damn it. I really liked that comforter and it's the only new one I have.

(*Side note: I recently started having my mom do some little errands around the house while I'm at work because it gives her something to do, keeps her moving, and keeps her from wallowing in her own depression and away from other toxicities in her life. Plus it helps me free up some time during my otherwise busy week.)

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm feeling quite emotionally right now. I've spent the last 12 years of my life being fucking gas lit and made to feel guilty whenever I spoke up about how I felt. Constantly being made oot tae the bad yin; the one in the wrong. A bully...

Turns oot, my feelings and frustrations weren't just valid. I've been right the whole time about how I felt that I'm the scapegoat for my family's problems. Today, I finally got an acknowledgement that that's always been the case, and I don't know know how to deal with it.

 

[SilentAndShy]

Working from home has been nice for nearly a year, well most of the time. Not having to get up at 6am and travel to work is good but I miss that sense of having a break from home.

I feel awful to say that as my wife, looking after our children, probably wishes she could do that but I find the balance of working at home, in a chaotic environment at times, difficult. I put so much pressure and get anxious of my work that I need to focus. Now, I'm seperating myself from them which helps but thankfully in my next job, I will have to go in three days a week.

I'm looking forward to that btw, even if the advice may be to work from home if you can, I envisage going in to get that space.

I can't fail in my next job, too much rides on it but yeah just feel like I'm not being a good parent or husband when I snap at them because I'm stressed about work.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

There's no justice in this world.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

 

[Phoenixx]

Anxious. For 2 days now I've been ruminating over my interview. I'd say it went well, but of course I'm constantly thinking, "Oh I should've said this instead." or "I shouldn't have mentioned that, now they're going to think I can't do [this thing]." I'm still wondering if this is a good idea, if I do get the offer. I mean, yeah it pays more, has much better benefits, and constant employment is guaranteed (with the job I have now, my working days are determined by scheduled productions. If nothing is scheduled, then I don't work. Hasn't happened yet, but the end of the month is looking empty), but it's also going to screw up my sleep schedule and I'll have less time for things at home.

I've been weighing the pros and cons. I'm honestly just scared. I'm scared that this isn't going to pan out well either because the last two jobs have been nothing but crapshoots -- one literally left me sick and taken advantage of, and this one now has been leaving me feeling emotionally miserable -- like I can't do anything right because it either a) isn't done *exactly* the way someone else wants it done, b) getting partially held responsible for things that have nothing to do with me, or c) I actually don't know how to do something correctly because I wasn't ever taught or had the proper training. But hey maybe I should take a leap of faith. If it sucks, it won't be any different than what I'm dealing with right? If it doesn't suck, then I feel content, and contentment always brings me more energy, regardless of how I'm sleeping.

 

[xSleepy]

And this isn't a "well back in my day..." post as I think the internet is largely the same. No, SPW isn't, but there are other forums and apps and whatever that provides a similar platform that this place once did. This is a situation of missing something that is completely self-imposed. I feel like there's something blocking me from being open and honest about things, mundane or meaningful. I would say it's that there are things I want to keep to myself, but I have always had things I want to keep to myself.

I remember back in the day (like 2009) this site had an irc spanish chatroom. I was in there everyday. Made lots of friends, even got a boyfriend from it. I had to of talked to maybe 20 people. Now I only keep on contact with 2. I miss those days though. I was happy back then. I've actually had a few good years since then and now I'm back to what brought me to this site in the first place. I'm not doing good. I also can't seem to connect with people anymore like I did. It's different now somehow.

 

[Jungle]

I'm feeling quite emotionally right now. I've spent the last 12 years of my life being fucking gas lit and made to feel guilty whenever I spoke up about how I felt. Constantly being made oot tae the bad yin; the one in the wrong. A bully...

Turns oot, my feelings and frustrations weren't just valid. I've been right the whole time about how I felt that I'm the scapegoat for my family's problems. Today, I finally got an acknowledgement that that's always been the case, and I don't know know how to deal with it.

I'm sorry to hear that Graeme, some people are just like that, too proud to admit that they're wrong or not caring about listening to one's version. This is sad; I have experienced this myself with some of my family members. Do you communicate your ideas easily? This has been my hinder for the most part — being misunderstood

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm sorry to hear that Graeme, some people are just like that, too proud to admit that they're wrong or not caring about listening to one's version. This is sad; I have experienced this myself with some of my family members.

That's pretty much my family in a nutshell.

Though, for me, it's just frustrating that it's taken over a decade for my mother to properly acknowledge how she's treated me over the years without laughing it off.

Do you communicate your ideas easily? This has been my hinder for the most part — being misunderstood

Honestly? No. I've been able or felt comfortable to. Years of getting treated dismissively and getting a hostile reaction from my family whenever I did speak up when I was younger just made me keep quiet. Keep to myself, internalise everything. I mean, any time I tried to calm the situation whenever an argument kicked off usually just got me a mouthful of abuse from the middle sibling for my efforts.

 

[vj288]

I remember back in the day (like 2009) this site had an irc spanish chatroom. I was in there everyday. Made lots of friends, even got a boyfriend from it. I had to of talked to maybe 20 people. Now I only keep on contact with 2. I miss those days though. I was happy back then. I've actually had a few good years since then and now I'm back to what brought me to this site in the first place. I'm not doing good. I also can't seem to connect with people anymore like I did. It's different now somehow.

That sounds so similar to myself. Set it couple years later, make it the English SPW IRC chatroom, and a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend and it was exactly the same for me. I look back at that time as the happiest of my life, although I know my anxiety and depression weren't great at that time which is why I was here. The happiness came from feeling connected and alive and, often times, terrified. I almost felt like I had nothing to lose and that allowed me to push myself to my limits and reap the benefits of that.

I'm glad you managed to get some good years out of the last decade. Sorry to hear you're back because that's not the case anymore, but welcome back nonetheless. I hope you're able to crack the code of what's different and stopping you from connecting like you did back in 2009, and if you do I'd be eager to hear what you discovered.

 

[xSleepy]

That sounds so similar to myself. Set it couple years later, make it the English SPW IRC chatroom, and a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend and it was exactly the same for me. I look back at that time as the happiest of my life, although I know my anxiety and depression weren't great at that time which is why I was here. The happiness came from feeling connected and alive and, often times, terrified. I almost felt like I had nothing to lose and that allowed me to push myself to my limits and reap the benefits of that.

I'm glad you managed to get some good years out of the last decade. Sorry to hear you're back because that's not the case anymore, but welcome back nonetheless. I hope you're able to crack the code of what's different and stopping you from connecting like you did back in 2009, and if you do I'd be eager to hear what you discovered.

Honestly yeah I kinda feel the same regarding it being the happiest of my life. I've never had that connection with a group of strangers and I kinda haven't since then. I think I was a free spirit back then. I was fun and excited to discover a new world filled with people like me. And it was weird because everyone got along well with each other. Like the universe made it so we were all there at that time. Like it was meant to be. Cheesy I know. But I can't think of anything else. I've tried other forums and chatrooms and it's not the same at all. I wonder if they all feel the same or it was just something they did out of boredom. Dunno. But it meant a lot to me back then.

 

[Graeme1988]

Inadequate. Never good enough. I can't seem to do anything without my family offering up nothing but negativity every time I make a decision for myself, even though I never asked their opinion. Don't know why I even bother anymore. I don't even feel I have any control over my life.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Trying to work-up the nerve to make a therapy appointment... in other words, terrified.