I can relate!There's a weird war going on between my body and my brain.
On the one hand, we have my aging carcass, who just wants to eat and nap and be content with the status quo.
On the other, we have my conscious mind, who's telling me to put my butt into overdrive, before it's finally too late to have any semblance of a normal life.
It's depressing. This is the oldest I've ever been, I have nothing to compare it to, ha ha . But at least if you've gotten out and lived, even if life has kicked your butt and you've made all the wrong decisions, you can at least say you tried... you have something to show for it, if nothing else. I'm getting old just like them, but when I look back over my life, it's just a long, blank page. Anyway, I know I've been spared a lot of things, but the one thing I appreciate now that I didn't when I was younger, is just how much you learn and grow from negative experiences.I can relate!
I miss having friends to talk to. I mean I have friends and other people I can talk to and hangout with which I'm grateful for, but I miss having brutally honest conversation.
People would sometimes say internet friends aren't "real" friends because you're missing nuances that face-to-face interactions have. While I agree some things are lost, I think other things are gained. I'd never felt more connected with people than I had through forums and chatrooms online when I was able to honestly say who I was and what I was feeling, whether it was a deep and meaningful subject like like my laundry list of mental designations or something mundane like what food I like or that the vacuum cleaner I use is deceivingly heavy.
And this isn't a "well back in my day..." post as I think the internet is largely the same. No, SPW isn't, but there are other forums and apps and whatever that provides a similar platform that this place once did. This is a situation of missing something that is completely self-imposed. I feel like there's something blocking me from being open and honest about things, mundane or meaningful. I would say it's that there are things I want to keep to myself, but I have always had things I want to keep to myself.
I can't really pinpoint the exact problem. Maybe I dislike myself in a way I didn't before, holding me back from letting others see me for who I am. Or maybe I'm distancing myself for the benefit others, since I don't feel like I can be depended on now or in the future. Maybe it's simply that too much of what is going on inside me is connected to things I know are better kept to myself and would likely distance me from others more if I shared. I don't know.
I miss it not being this way though.