How are you feeling?

Ah don’t f__kin’ care anymore... sick of being complimented and berate in the same breath. But hey ho, muh family seem to like making me feel like $h!%# aw the time. Am used to it! It’s been happening since ah wus 8 years old — nae point try to change their opinion o’ me now. It’s no like they listen to me anyway...
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Disappointed, sad, frustrated, and hating myself simultaneously. Yesterday was a strange day. Got through the whole day at work better than I thought I would, but was ready to collapse as I walked through the door when I got home.

I had my evaluation yesterday. I don't know why they (boss and office manager) called it an evaluation when it wasn't even evaluating my work since I started, rather it was a conversation we had to have regarding my health impacting my work. They said they want to help me, but they want to know what I need. What I need is your dogs to stop barking every freaking day when I'm in the middle of trying to do my job. What I need is for you to not reprimand and criticize me when a mistake is made. What I need is an actual goal in sight, a way in which I can keep moving up and not be stuck in one freaking position doing the same things over and over and over again. What I need is for you guys to address the crumbling infrastructure of your building that I believe is playing a part in making me ill. But of course I mentioned none of those things because I don't think that would've gone over very well.

As a mutual agreement, my hours are getting cut. I'm bittersweet about it. I'm glad to be working there less (even though it was part-time anyways), but at this point it's not even worth staying (not that I was going to) because with commute I'm simply just paying for gas and covering some bills. Meanwhile they want the new front desk hire to also learn assistant roles because it'll help with coverage because of me. Again, bittersweet because this is cracking open the door to my way out, but at the same time I'm expected to train this person on top of doing my job, ALSO on top of everything else going on with me. They want to lighten my load, but yet they're making my load really heavy right now. :confused:

Training her wasn't bad yesterday, but I somehow feel shitty about it. She's tall, blonde, pretty, and social. Pretty much everything I'm not (minus the blonde hair) My boss didn't even reprimand her like she did me when a mistake was made. Even when I was training, after a couple mistakes I was getting snide remarks. I don't want my boss treating this person the same way, but some sick part of me wants to expect that. So I feel like it's not just me. I hate myself for thinking like that, but it's true.

Ideally, I would've handed in my 2 week notice yesterday during my evaluation, but I didn't get a chance to print it off. Plus, I want to wait to see if I get an interview and possibly land the next job. Holding off now will at least buy me some time to get this other person trained so I can leave.
 
Still pissed off about what happened on Monday. :mad: Looks I won’t be spending Christmas with the family this year. Why? Well... according to the middle child, I’m a f__kin’ waster for letting my mother bring me my dinner on days when my sister and kids stay for dinner. Even though, she insists on doing it... I don’t force her. Every time I’ve said I’d take upstairs myself gets me with: “No, no, son. It’s awrite, ah dinnae mind...” And this kind gesture is met with a, “Thanks, Mum” or “Aw, cheers!”, if I doing something, or watching a movie via my laptop and don’t hear my Mum coming upstairs...

How 5 folk are supposed to sit in the living room and have our dinner when there’s only 3 seater couch and a chair by the fireplace... F__k know?! Ah mean, unless we the big dining table we only ever use at Christmas taking the up the remaining space in the living room?

Wus’nae aw bad though, my older sister complimented during her expletive rant, saying: “He’s got a brain”. Which ah think is her way of saying I’m smart? No sure what that’s got to do with me eating dinner in my room by myself. :unsure: I’ve also got a physical disability that makes ma life a wee bit more difficult than everyone else, in case ye did’nae cop that, no?

But, aye, apparently am a waster. Y’know, despite paying my share of the bills and contributing money towards the weekly grocery shopping. And I’m the “tech support” as my oldest sister says, cuz I’m always fixing a laptop or printing things off for other folk — like the middle child — when asked to do so.

On a more a positive note, my oldest sister and I went and saw Dream Theater on the last date of their Europe tour this past Sunday. First time ever seeing the band live in concert... and it was f__kin’ brilliant! Best concert experience I’ve had in years. :)
 
I prepared a presentation to my work's board. Spent time devising the approach (trying to make the first part light hearted to relax me then go into the details of my role) and delivered it only for a really poor, and underwhelming response. I though felt my heart was beating more quickly, few stutters and not fluent in my delivery as I had practiced (it always works better in practice doesn't it lol) and when I finished, and asked for questions , there was ONE. And off I went. I had hoped to use this opportunity to drop a hint that I wanted to review my remuneration but the whole experience didn't allow that opening, and neither did anyone else say anything for me to do so. So it looks like I'll be complaining to myself about my salary and compounded by my inexperience to apply, and succeed, with external jobs due to the increased competition.
 
You'd be surprised how many cars are side swiped anonymously due to the perpetrator driving off. I was recently sitting in my running car in a parking garage, had a women back into it, and when I honked at her to stop she drove away as fast as she could (no damage was done fortunately).

So while you probably should have stopped and done something, I don't think you're some sort of incapable creature for not doing anything. I think it's something that most people don't face on a regular basis, and is commonly either addressed as you did, with anxiety and fear leading to flight, or with apathy (which I think is worse) with the person driving away without a second thought.

I'd google what to do in those situations so if it happens again you'll be prepared. I think knowing what to do makes most situations a lot less terrifying. I actually have a card in my card in which I wrote all insurance info I would need in the event of an accident, and a list of steps I would have to take. It doesn't guarantee I will act appropriately when that day comes, but I will at least have the tools to do so.
Thank you. Since then, I've not had any response to anything. It has been anxiety to panic at the sight of a door closing outside, or people knocking on the door. My heart nearly fell upon seeing what I thought was an individual in uniform - it turned out to be grocery shopping and the guy delivering it. I've realised it could have been much worse, but I need to play it safe with my driving and not to panic even it means going round the car park 2/3 times to find a right spot. I still think something could come back to me but on the basis of probability, with it nearing two weeks, I would assume I will be OK having learned a difficult lesson.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Tired, a little scared, a little bit hopeful. I won't go into anymore detail with this seemingly never-ending hell that's my job, but I'm just so ready to leave and they proved that one today for sure. I'm still hanging onto a little bit of hope that I'll hear back about this other job. And if I don't, I have a little bit of hope that MAYBE I have enough common sense and intelligence and skills that I can possibly kickstart a business idea that I was reminded of today that wouldn't really cost me much in materials to execute. But alas, overall I'm scared that I'm never going to be able to work anywhere else and I'll end up signing off my life to just being a 1950s housewife. :oops:
 
Could’nae be happier... By pure chance, yesterday, ah found the external 3 terabyte hard drive ah thought I’d lost about 2 months ago. :D That’s me got aw the music recordings and samples (2 years worth), my disability benefit documents and family photos back ! :) After spending most o’ February depressed, upset and shouting n’ arguing with my Mum as to where it could be. So, it turned up, eventually... buried underneath boxes that were sitting on a table in my room. My mother picked up the hard drive when she’d saw the it laying on the floor, moved it and failed to mention to me where she’d put it. :LOL:

Anyway, back to makin’ music...
 
Could’nae be happier... By pure chance, yesterday, ah found the external 3 terabyte hard drive ah thought I’d lost about 2 months ago. :D That’s me got aw the music recordings and samples (2 years worth), my disability benefit documents and family photos back ! :) After spending most o’ February depressed, upset and shouting n’ arguing with my Mum as to where it could be. So, it turned up, eventually... buried underneath boxes that were sitting on a table in my room. My mother picked up the hard drive when she’d saw the it laying on the floor, moved it and failed to mention to me where she’d put it. :LOL:

Anyway, back to makin’ music...
Good for you mate! (I told you it'd be around somewhere 😉 )
 
No way, Joker is an abusive POS. Harley can do so much better. In fact she does coz she dumps his pathetic ass and gets with Ivy.
I actually liked Jarod Leto's version of the Joker, I realize a lot of people don't. But Harley and the Joker's love in 'Suicide Squad' was really cool.
I'm not much of a Batman or Marvel fan so I don't know much about their story other than that.
I still prefer Joker and Quinn because I'm not ready to go out and get a set of boobs at the current time either..
 
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LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I actually liked Jarod Leto's version of the Joker, I realize a lot of people don't. But Harley and the Joker's love in 'Suicide Squad' was really cool.
I'm not much of a Batman or Marvel fan so I don't know much about their story other than that.
I still prefer Joker and Quinn because I'm not ready to go out and get a set of boobs at the current time either..
I still havent gotten around to seeing Suicide Squad, but I did hear they glossed over some of the real details of the relationship (or as real a fictional relationships can get). Tbh I went off the whole superhero genre years ago (somewhere after the original xmen trilogy and original spiderman trilogy) so I dont actually care about the comics or movies, I just like that it changed to Quinn dumping an abusive douche and getting a badass gf :LOL::LOL:
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Good. This is the best I've felt in weeks. :) I'm off from work until Tuesday. Yesterday I spent my first day off just getting a lot of errands done and getting caught up on things. Today I did some grocery shopping - yes, I actually found groceries, not everything though - and picked up my copy of ACNH. :D My kitty has continued to feel better and one of her supplements actually arrived today. (Yay!) I'm finding myself getting back into hobbies again, with cooking, baking, bird watching, and playing video games, and it feels so good. (y)
 
Good. This is the best I've felt in weeks. :) I'm off from work until Tuesday. Yesterday I spent my first day off just getting a lot of errands done and getting caught up on things. Today I did some grocery shopping - yes, I actually found groceries, not everything though - and picked up my copy of ACNH. :D My kitty has continued to feel better and one of her supplements actually arrived today. (Yay!) I'm finding myself getting back into hobbies again, with cooking, baking, bird watching, and playing video games, and it feels so good. (y)
Glad to hear it Phoenixx :)
 
I've been feeling particularly sensitive lately. I notice myself getting flustered by very mundane things, like the little messages you can send on the online video games, or the idea of joining a little trivia chat room for an hour. It's all minimal contact from behind a screen, but I am easily feeling unnerved by it lately. Like I'd do something wrong or look stupid or not know what I am doing or something. It occasionally has been bleeding into work opportunities as well. I'm not functioning at my best right know, I know it because this is one of those tell-tale signs of it. I can't seem to consistently have good days. I can have one or two, a handful a week, but then I let myself slip. It's basic stuff, sleeping enough, eating properly, drinking water, avoiding distractions, and from there I can build habits. But I'm skirting the basics. And when I let it go on, it unbalances me. I feel like I start to teeter back and forth from completely giving up to needing to give 150% to make up the difference and get back on track.

A metaphor I tend to go back to regularly for life is that of running a marathon. And it's as if my training has been sub-par lately. It has put me back to a point where I can't just jump back in to where I was. And maybe the teetering comes from feelings of frustration due to that. I need to start back at square one, or at least multiple squares back of where I was. Maybe once I accept that, I can start moving forward again.
 
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