How are you feeling?

Phoenixx

Well-known member
A therapist told me 20 years ago what my main problem was and I didn't listen. The older I get, the more I see that she was exactly right.
What would that be, if you don't mind me asking? I started seeing my therapist a couple months ago. It's been pretty helpful for me so far. I've learned that I deal a lot with sensory overload, probably more than most people. That might seem like a "duh" moment, but I really didn't know that's what I was feeling and experiencing. I don't know why I'm overstimulated so easily, but just knowing that has helped recognize why I feel so angry and aggravated when I'm anxious, and when it does happen I feel I can talk myself through it easier. I've been working on different coping strategies, but so far only one has somewhat worked.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I'm feeling better than I was a couple hours ago. I actually got an email from a job I applied for 3 months ago basically saying, "Thanks but you're not what we're looking for." It sucks, but I took it too personally. I needed to remind myself that there was just someone else who probably had more experience , not that I was a bad fit.
 

theoutsider

Well-known member
I'm feeling better than I was a couple hours ago. I actually got an email from a job I applied for 3 months ago basically saying, "Thanks but you're not what we're looking for." It sucks, but I took it too personally. I needed to remind myself that there was just someone else who probably had more experience , not that I was a bad fit.
Keep at it, Phoenixx! Job hunting sucks and I always hated when I got letters telling me they chose somebody else, especially when I thought the interview went really well. Hopefully, you will be rewarded with something better than what you were rejected for.
 
I’m feeling disappointed with myself. At work today, I had the opportunity to show that I am more intelligent than my current position and I squandered it. I basically said (in so many words), that I am someone in a lowly position who doesn’t know anything other than what I was there to do. This particular person kept asking me questions and even though I didn’t have all of the answers, I could have responded better; been less clueless. This is what anxiety does to me. I hinders and ruins my ability to speak normally. At that same time, someone who used to work in my department asked me if I was going to get married to my boyfriend (he knows him too). I laughed, turned around and said “I don’t know, probably never”. It wasn’t what was said, but the delivery. It was said anxiously and made me sound mentally handicapped because I was embarrassed. He mimicked what I said back to me, sounding mentally handicapped. That really embarrassed me and hurt my feelings. I wish so much that I didn’t have to deal with anxiety. I wish I could have defended myself. I let people treat me however because I don’t want to cause a stir and am trying to just “get through” this phase of life. It’s not working out. When you start to become cognizant of how you act poorly in social situations, it’s cringe worthy. I think I need to take interpersonal classes and learn how to socialize. Learn that I am not beneath everyone.
 
I’m feeling disappointed with myself. At work today, I had the opportunity to show that I am more intelligent than my current position and I squandered it. I basically said (in so many words), that I am someone in a lowly position who doesn’t know anything other than what I was there to do. This particular person kept asking me questions and even though I didn’t have all of the answers, I could have responded better; been less clueless. This is what anxiety does to me. I hinders and ruins my ability to speak normally. At that same time, someone who used to work in my department asked me if I was going to get married to my boyfriend (he knows him too). I laughed, turned around and said “I don’t know, probably never”. It wasn’t what was said, but the delivery. It was said anxiously and made me sound mentally handicapped because I was embarrassed. He mimicked what I said back to me, sounding mentally handicapped. That really embarrassed me and hurt my feelings. I wish so much that I didn’t have to deal with anxiety. I wish I could have defended myself. I let people treat me however because I don’t want to cause a stir and am trying to just “get through” this phase of life. It’s not working out. When you start to become cognizant of how you act poorly in social situations, it’s cringe worthy. I think I need to take interpersonal classes and learn how to socialize. Learn that I am not beneath everyone.
Please do look into those classes. Thinking of yourself as a second-class citizen becomes a way of life... believe me, I know.
 
So I have one good IRL friend, someone who I have known since elementary school and has been a constant through most of my life. Yesterday he told me he and his girlfriend are excitedly expecting, which I am happy about for both of them. But when I woke up this morning I found myself feeling somewhat uncertain. Obviously his life is about to change a whole lot, and as a result my life will change as well (on a much smaller, less significant scale of course.) I don't feel like I'm great with kids, and don't plan on having any of my own, but I'm at the age where people I know are going to start having them. I have a feeling my sister will have kids before long as well. I worry all this is going to start pushing me apart from the few people I have in my life. It also brings my life's own lack of direction into focus. While I know I don't want to be a parent, I don't know exactly what I want my adult life to really look like. But the people around me do, and it's a life I may not have as easy of a time fitting into. In the least, the lives of people around me will force my own life to change. And I am uncertain what that life will look like.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
So I have one good IRL friend, someone who I have known since elementary school and has been a constant through most of my life. Yesterday he told me he and his girlfriend are excitedly expecting, which I am happy about for both of them. But when I woke up this morning I found myself feeling somewhat uncertain. Obviously his life is about to change a whole lot, and as a result my life will change as well (on a much smaller, less significant scale of course.) I don't feel like I'm great with kids, and don't plan on having any of my own, but I'm at the age where people I know are going to start having them. I have a feeling my sister will have kids before long as well. I worry all this is going to start pushing me apart from the few people I have in my life. It also brings my life's own lack of direction into focus. While I know I don't want to be a parent, I don't know exactly what I want my adult life to really look like. But the people around me do, and it's a life I may not have as easy of a time fitting into. In the least, the lives of people around me will force my own life to change. And I am uncertain what that life will look like.
I understand how you're feeling. Once kids come into the picture, those friends get busy and you can't spend time with them as much as you'd like, if at all. I don't want to say I *lost* friends to them moving onto new life experiences, but I definitely don't have the same relationship with them like I did since it's hard to keep in touch after a while. I'm not great with kids either, and honestly I've never even met some of my friends' kids that's how long it's been since we've actually physically seen each other, but I still try to keep in touch.

Regardless of what other people think, you live your life for you. Even if you don't know what that life will end up being. Once upon a time I never thought I'd get married. I couldn't imagine committing to one person, because I couldn't imagine being so comfortable with someone when I wasn't even comfortable with myself, let alone someone actually liking me enough to want to do that. Yet here I am, married and pretty darn happy with us. As for kids, we're mainly undecided. At the moment though we're pretty happy we don't have any, meanwhile people we know our age are on kid #4 or #5. :oops:
 
I've started walking really late at night again.

It's always a weird concession I have to make between wanting to be alone and wanting to be safe. If I walk during the day I have to deal with lots of normal people, which is sheer, irrational, torture. If I wait until later-on, then I see hardly anybody, but it brings me into contact with a more nefarious lot, which is putting my life at hazard. And lest one think I'm being dramatic, I'm really not. My city has one of the highest crime-rates in the country, less safe than 92% of other US cities.

It's just a testament of how far I'll go and how much I'll roll-the-dice just to avoid how people make me feel. o_O
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
The beautiful weather we've had the last few days has put me in such a good mood and has left me so motivated. :) Yesterday I spent nearly the whole afternoon gardening, even got a little sunburnt. My spring and summer birds are back, making my daily bird watching so much more interesting.

(Yes I love sitting in my chair in the living room next to the window eating my breakfast every morning and watching the birds at the feeder like a little old lady. Don't judge me. :LOL:)
 

theoutsider

Well-known member
Had a low key bad day today. It was one of those days where nothing big happened but by evening, so many little things had gone wrong that it was obvious this just wasn't intended to be my day. First, I went to work for nothing (I'm still working from home but have to go in on certain days to take care of small tasks) because somebody wanted some kind of revision that was going to take a day extra. Then I got a parking ticket of $35 dollars because I decided as long as I was at the office for nothing I might as well catch up on some things but forgot I was parked on the street and missed feeding the meter by 5 minutes. The meter maid must've just been waiting. Then I found out my other car was damaged more than what was originally reported when somebody rear ended me a few weeks ago. The body shop will have to keep it for an extra week. Lastly, I found out a dispute which I was certain was going to be decided my way has worked out in the other party's favor. Some days were just not meant to be good, I suppose.
 
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