How are you feeling?

[Kiwong]

I'm only cool with people I'm comfortable with, though Kiwong. I'm a stilted weirdo otherwise.

And she's not a woman, she's a girl. I don't even think she's 20 yet. She's Generation Z, she's a Zoomer.

Fig. 1 - This GIF represents a 19 year-old girl's concern over my Avoidant Personality Disorder.

I'm just gonna continue to focus on my physical fitness and mental-health journey. If ZOOM wants to gradually get to know me on my schedule, great. If she wants to hop aboard the Fountain Express, cool; but this train ain't slowing down for nobody, and it's definitely not going to get derailed.

I hope.

good onya Fountain. I reckon practising connecting with a whole bunch of people is a good way to go. Independence rules, I'm not looking to settle down.

 

[PugofCrydee]

Pretty down.

Why can't I just live the way I want and be accepted with no judgement? I don't hurt anyone..
I'm happy not being social - well at least not overly social.. but I keep getting invited out to stupid social events where people stand around drinking. The latest one- a wine tasting event where you - surpise surprise- stand around drinking and talking crap.
Apart from having zero interest in doing that, I don't like turning people down. So in the end I'm the one that feels bad about it. Either way.
I feel shit about knowing I won't enjoy going to those events and I feel shit turning people down.
Stuck in the middle. Its really tormenting me and getting me down. For the first time in a while opting out has run through my thoughts again.
Fk it. Fk it all.

 

[Graeme1988]

The usual... miserable as f…k! Not that anyone cares, like. But that’s just how it is.

I just want my life to end. No even saying that to overly dramatic or get sympathy. I truthfully want it to f…kin’ end,

I just don’t care anymore. I’ve had enough of this f…kin’ same ol’, joyless f…kin’ existence. Every time ah say how I feel, am lying or attention seeking. Any time ah tell it is from my perspective, am wrong. Cuz men are inconsiderate, useless [email protected]$%@*!$. Or, at least, been that the predominant narrative I’ve heard for the better part of 2 decades. Probably why I’m as fuct as I am...

This f…kin’ neurotic, anxious, insecure, fearful, self-loathing, people-pleasing, broken shell of a man.

Music does’nae even make me happy anymore.

 

[Kiwong]

Pretty down.

Why can't I just live the way I want and be accepted with no judgement? I don't hurt anyone..
I'm happy not being social - well at least not overly social.. but I keep getting invited out to stupid social events where people stand around drinking. The latest one- a wine tasting event where you - surpise surprise- stand around drinking and talking crap.
Apart from having zero interest in doing that, I don't like turning people down. So in the end I'm the one that feels bad about it. Either way.
I feel shit about knowing I won't enjoy going to those events and I feel shit turning people down.
Stuck in the middle. Its really tormenting me and getting me down. For the first time in a while opting out has run through my thoughts again.
Fk it. Fk it all.

Standing around talking with drinks is crap. I don't drink. Eating a meal at a restaurant is better. Talking is good when it gets less scary.

 

[PugofCrydee]

Standing around talking with drinks is crap. I don't drink. Eating a meal at a restaurant is better. Talking is good when it gets less scary.

I agree mate, eating a meal is better.
I don't have an issue if people want to stand around, drink in hand talking BS.
If that's what they like, more power to them. But because that's not for me, I'm judged on it.
And I hate that.

 

[Kiwong]

I agree mate, eating a meal is better.
I don't have an issue if people want to stand around, drink in hand talking BS.
If that's what they like, more power to them. But because that's not for me, I'm judged on it.
And I hate that.

Funny you say judged. I went to a works drinks, one of the few who didn't drink. I discovered the people who where there didn't even notice I was there, they were too busy getting sloshed.

 

[vj288]

I feel relieved. I can spend the next week just putting my head down and working, without any obligations, social or otherwise. I more or less don't have to see anyone if I don't want to, or worry about things I need to get done.

This is usually how I feel around new years, but I guess I'm a few weeks late this year either way, I welcome it.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I feel pretty good. Things could always be better, and I'm not getting any younger, but the main thing is staying positive.

 

[Phoenixx]

Sad, disappointed, depressed. I'm hating the system at my job. I'm not happy. I'm trying really hard to make this work, and I want to try to make this work, but I feel like I'm going in circles. Two weeks ago I was feeling really good about it. Last week was hectic, but I was feeling content and thought I was doing a fairly decent job keeping up with everything and how busy it all was. Yesterday two of my coworkers talked to me and apparently I'm not doing as good of a job as I thought I was doing and I'm doing too much, despite being originally trained to be on top of things. My boss is having to take notes in appointments, I was told. There were a few times I couldn't take notes because I was doing another task, or that something wasn't stated clearly enough for me to write down.

But I think what's disappointed me most about all this is two coworkers talked to me about it. Why are they talking about it to me when I work directly under my boss? I'm her assistant, shouldn't she be talking to me about it? Because this means she talked to them about me. Which is essentially talking about me behind my back right?

We had a break yesterday in between appointments because someone cancelled last minute. We were in the room together, she checking her emails, me setting up for the next appointment. I waited a few minutes to see if she'd bring up anything or talk to me. She didn't. So I brought up a generalized apology to see if I could get something out of her. I apologized and said, "Sorry I've been walking out of the room so much. I'm really sick today and I have to keep blowing my nose and washing my hands." (Which was true, I'm fighting a hell of a nasty head cold the last few days and feel miserable on top of all this.) She said that was fine, and then brought up what my two coworkers talked about. In the middle of our conversation, one of the two coworkers walked in the room and joined the conversation. Why? Why does this have ANYTHING to do with ANYBODY ELSE?

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. I feel so confused. There were no rude words passed. It was just criticism, and I know I don't take criticism well. So why do I feel so bad?

 

[SilentAndShy]

Isolated. Other people don't notice the 'slights' I feel from other people at work - that's what being anxious does I presume. I wanted to start 2020 with positivity in my behaviour at work, but now 22 days in, I'm inclined to sit in my office and not bother with any of them minus one good friend.

It's me who is expected to come out and engage in conversation (knowing how awkward I feel when some people don't bother to engage with me) and somehow know what everyone is talking about and be in the loop, me who is supposed to be starting topics with everyone else, me taking an interest in others, me asking others if they want a drink or an item from the shops.

Is it not possible that everyone else can do the same for me? Just because I sit in a smaller office away means you can't either take a few steps, or shout me to involve me.

Then I get a reputation for being distant perhaps, and wonder is there no self-reflection by anyone else? Even the boss is keen to engage and be 'pally' with others which is cringe worthy.

Anyways, need to write this down to get it out and try and focus on work tasks.

 

[vj288]

I am in a funk.

 

[SilentAndShy]

Isolated. Other people don't notice the 'slights' I feel from other people at work - that's what being anxious does I presume. I wanted to start 2020 with positivity in my behaviour at work, but now 22 days in, I'm inclined to sit in my office and not bother with any of them minus one good friend.

It's me who is expected to come out and engage in conversation (knowing how awkward I feel when some people don't bother to engage with me) and somehow know what everyone is talking about and be in the loop, me who is supposed to be starting topics with everyone else, me taking an interest in others, me asking others if they want a drink or an item from the shops.

Is it not possible that everyone else can do the same for me? Just because I sit in a smaller office away means you can't either take a few steps, or shout me to involve me.

Then I get a reputation for being distant perhaps, and wonder is there no self-reflection by anyone else? Even the boss is keen to engage and be 'pally' with others which is cringe worthy.

Anyways, need to write this down to get it out and try and focus on work tasks.

I'm so glad I'm not in the office for a few days. I can't handle the isolation, the snideness of some people, the lack of consequences for some people simply because they are extroverted blowhards who laugh or joke their way out of trouble, people who can't be polite and friendly. And more.

People will probably say I'm distant or removed from the team yet many won't bother to ask if I'm okay

 

[Kiwong]

I see people forming relationships all around me. I think that company might be nice, but it is a mystery to me how people get together.

 

[vj288]

I am sick and tired and don't want to take it anymore!



So hopefully I get over this cold soon.

 

[Phoenixx]

Extremely tired. Yesterday was a long day visiting family and friends of my husband's family. Had to talk to a lot of people and we didn't get home until 11pm, so I feel drained physically and emotionally.

Coincidentally I think I may have seen someone yesterday at the calling hours who I'm pretty sure I've seen as a client where I work. She'd be related to my husband through marriage. I didn't get a chance to talk to her to ask, mostly because I didn't even know how to start that kind of awkward conversation. What if I'm mistaking her for someone else and she's not the person I'm thinking of? I wasn't in the mood to die from social embarrassment. I was on a good streak yesterday with the social festivities, didn't need to ruin it.

 

[vj288]

I feel a longing for my more extreme bouts with depression and anxiety. I know logically it's not the depression or anxiety I am actually missing -although the former does have an addictive quality to it - no I miss the intensity of the emotions. I know it's one of the reasons I used to cut myself too, of course there was other things going on that made me want to actively hurt myself, but in doing so it extrapolated the feelings farther than they could naturally go - with more intensity.

I just miss the unadulterated emotion. I have more experience with the negative ones, but I'd take the positive ones as well. It sort of has me thinking about the expression "'tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Whether talking about romantic love specifically or general good feeling on the intensity of good love, I certainly don't feel it's always true. I don't think if I sat on my deathbed in 50 years I'd be thinking "I had that one 6 month span or so where life was better than I had ever imagined it could be, and the other 80 years completely paled in comparison and felt numb and empty as a result, but damn if I'm not glad for that 1/160th of life that was grand."

I've done alright at keeping myself out of rock bottom, but in doing so I leave myself hovering in an empty purgatory. I don't see a way to fly myself out of the hole, so I find myself longing for rock bottom, where the extreme bouts of depression and anxiety and other things would await me. I'm not going to cut my wings and nosedive as I feel I just can't at this point in my life, but it doesn't stop me from wondering if it would be better than where I am.

 

[Graeme1988]

Who tha f…kin’ cares? Same ol’ $h!t, different day. Different week, different month, different f…kin’ year !
Same ol’ pish. Still the same f…kin’ near-middle aged, middle sibling screeching at their mother for a perceived wrong. While the youngest yin wonders tae himsel’ why tha f…k he has to put up with it.

Guess that’s normal family behaviour, eh? Every family’s like that, are they? Older siblings treating the only parent who bother to bloody raise them like crap, while the youngest slowly just comes undone cuz he’s the poor [email protected]$%@rd who has to put up it all. And all he gets is an “Awww... am sorry” or telt tae f…k off ? How lovely...

Cannae wait til ah pluck up enough courage tae just end ma $h!**y, meanless existence. The sooner ah get it o’er wae the better, really. If nowt else, I’ll be at peace...

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Broke and ugly.

 

[Kiwong]

Been a bit on edge. Worried I have upset people, mostly not true. I really enjoy the connections I have made, and would hate to lose them.

 

[Phoenixx]

Sad. Sad, down, blah, depressed. I don't know why. I feel like I never know why, or that sometimes when I do know why the reason isn't good enough. I talked to the doctor about this yesterday. He asked if I'm still able to do things, and I am, I just don't feel good doing them. I don't enjoy doing things, I just do the things because it's expected of me. He told me I have mild depression, but it feels worse than that. I refused medication right away though, because I'm going to therapy next month and I'm curious what the evaluation is going to be like and if there's anything else that will come up.

I cannot wait until March though. I'm so eager to actually get help, finally.