I feel like a newborn learning the ways of the world, again. I am afraid of speaking up in class because when I do it, the teacher ask me to repeat because my voice is so soft and quiet. It was awkward towards the end when I wanted to ask my teacher a question but then someone beat me to it so then he looked at me and I don't want to repeat the question so I just chuckled nervously and just left. Thinking back, I should have said, "Oh, you just answered my question" instead of just nervously chuckling and looking like crazy.
How are you feeling?
- Thread starter Remus
- Start date
Phoenixx
Well-known member
^ You know, I've actually been wanting to read that for a while, just haven't taken the time to do so.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Quite depressed. Out of place. Unsure.
Tae be honest, ah feel like people just ignore me because everytime ah say summmit... naebody seems tae listen. :sad:
Tae be honest, ah feel like people just ignore me because everytime ah say summmit... naebody seems tae listen. :sad:
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
I am feeling incredible lately... "is this me?" *pinch pinch*
recipe for happiness:
~dreaming of and planning for a small farm with lots of cute furry animals to love and raise as my own
~eating a well balanced organic mostly raw diet (planning a passive solar greenhouse for future also)
~focusing fully on my art and creative endeavors for my career
~working on incorporating meditation into my daily
~living a blissfully mostly solitary life off the grid (oh I wish off the grid someday!)
~getting lots of sleep and drinking lots of water
~cutting back completely on booze and junk food
~cutting out all negative people in my life completely
all I need to to is make some regular income to rely on and exercise more and I will be mostly free of depression and hopefully rid of a ton of anxiety. WOw it's taken a long time to get to this place and I deserve to feel happy!...mostly thinking I don't is what has caused me such unnecessary
misery.
A note to all here I want to apologize for being an angry biotch in the past I was suffering really bad and I am sorry I wasn't able to be more helpful to more of you. You all are very wonderful people. ♥♥
recipe for happiness:
~dreaming of and planning for a small farm with lots of cute furry animals to love and raise as my own
~eating a well balanced organic mostly raw diet (planning a passive solar greenhouse for future also)
~focusing fully on my art and creative endeavors for my career
~working on incorporating meditation into my daily
~living a blissfully mostly solitary life off the grid (oh I wish off the grid someday!)
~getting lots of sleep and drinking lots of water
~cutting back completely on booze and junk food
~cutting out all negative people in my life completely
all I need to to is make some regular income to rely on and exercise more and I will be mostly free of depression and hopefully rid of a ton of anxiety. WOw it's taken a long time to get to this place and I deserve to feel happy!...mostly thinking I don't is what has caused me such unnecessary
misery.
A note to all here I want to apologize for being an angry biotch in the past I was suffering really bad and I am sorry I wasn't able to be more helpful to more of you. You all are very wonderful people. ♥♥
Phoenixx
Well-known member
^ That's really great, Snow! :thumbup: You've never come across like a bitch to me in the past, but I'm glad you're no longer having days where you're suffering. I'm guessing this new raw diet of yours has been helping tremendously? I've had a huge diet change for the last 6 months (nutritionist orders) and my anxiety and depression have been improving a lot, much to my surprise. I still have some days where I struggle and feel terrible, but it's all to be expected in the period of healing. I'm on the right track and I'm glad you are too.
Amazing what food can do, eh?
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
^Thanks Phoenix! Glad to hear you are also benefiting form diet changes, are you still pursuing a degree in nutrition?. It is amazing, life changing stuff. It's beautiful how the body with the right nutrients can heal itself so well, we just have to step out of the way and away from the drive-thrus and convenient store mecca of disease-easy junk that our culture pushes on us. I am a fruit and veggie fiend now haha ...I do still fall off the wagon though...I love sweets and coffee.
...I do still fall off the wagon though...I love sweets and coffee.
springk
Well-known member
Time and tide wait for none. I wish i would just die. Sorry for being so negative but i have no one to talk to. No one really! I so wish that the one who gave me life will just take it away. There are people who are brave,who live their life and overcome challenges. I am not like that. I am weak. I don't deserve to live. I am tired of living. I f death was easy, it would have made me free( i am not sure about that). I can fake any positivity any more. Deep down i know i am dead. I just want to leave this place. Everything is a lie now, my ocd now appears to be just an excuse that i made up and believed all this years. It is not real anymore. I probably stuck with it because it hid my inability do do anything/take any decision/devote myself to any work. I had wonderful opportunities to learn and study and do something in my life but now i see how i wasted my life. I thought my brain was too powerful, i can't do anything against it. I remained a slave to my mind..i did not challenged it. But now i guess how bad my life has turned out to be and what more i can do nothing even if i wanted.
This realization hits me when i am going to be 26! Man so old! I don't feel like 26, its like when i was 18. There is no system/no rule that can give me any chance now. Its just too late. Even my believe that ocd stopped me from living my life seems like a big lie that i kept telling myself. I don't see any point in my life. If i can't smile/feel peace or happiness at any given moment in my life, why am i even alive? I just want this pain to end.
I wonder what happens after death. It seems so distant and yet is so close. Anytime i can be on the other side of my life and there i don't know what will happen. At least i will not be bothered about the things that this life offers(hopefully). Life is just so rigid. It never gives second chance, it never relaxes its rules..it pushes you on even when there is no strength to go on. I don't know may be my brain is all messed up. I don't ever see any bright side. It gets stuck at some point in past ,wishing away bad things that happened. I can't accept what happened and be content with what i have. I often thought how one can think of suicide, now i know how it feels when you want it to end. I want this life to end just here, now when i am writing.I can never heal and i cannot fight anymore. Even this life everything seems like an illusion. I wish we had a choice to switch off our power button and then just never exist..like when i close any web page.I just want it to end..please.
I don't want to post this but this is the place where at least i can say what i feel like.
This realization hits me when i am going to be 26! Man so old! I don't feel like 26, its like when i was 18. There is no system/no rule that can give me any chance now. Its just too late. Even my believe that ocd stopped me from living my life seems like a big lie that i kept telling myself. I don't see any point in my life. If i can't smile/feel peace or happiness at any given moment in my life, why am i even alive? I just want this pain to end.
I wonder what happens after death. It seems so distant and yet is so close. Anytime i can be on the other side of my life and there i don't know what will happen. At least i will not be bothered about the things that this life offers(hopefully). Life is just so rigid. It never gives second chance, it never relaxes its rules..it pushes you on even when there is no strength to go on. I don't know may be my brain is all messed up. I don't ever see any bright side. It gets stuck at some point in past ,wishing away bad things that happened. I can't accept what happened and be content with what i have. I often thought how one can think of suicide, now i know how it feels when you want it to end. I want this life to end just here, now when i am writing.I can never heal and i cannot fight anymore. Even this life everything seems like an illusion. I wish we had a choice to switch off our power button and then just never exist..like when i close any web page.I just want it to end..please.
I don't want to post this but this is the place where at least i can say what i feel like.
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Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Sorry yer feelin' low, Springk. :sad: And that you feel you've got no-one to talk to. Just a year younger than me, and yet ah can relate tae how yer feelin'. Even though the mid 20s isnae that old - it certainly feel old. Ah know I do. Sorry, ah know that probably doesnae help tae hear. Ah wish ah could say somethin' that'd make ya feel better or help you, even just a little bit, but can't find the words. Sorry!
My inbox is always open if ya want tae vent...
Kiwong
Well-known member
That is a fantastic recipe April Snow, I really like the sound of that small farm, just like heaven. Good luck on the continued journey.
theslowesthand
Banned
Hello springk.
There are a number of things which you wrote of, which i also have:
- Most days i wish i could be dead
- Talk to nobody on most days, not even on web
- Problem with indecision/inactivity (so hardly do anything actual/practical & leave things/problems till too late)
- I feel a "slave" to my mind - it's obsessions, rules, moods, beliefs, .. and therefore also slave to life
- OCD (i have OCPD & hoarding & can't change anything in house)
- Feel lonely most of the time
- Live in my mind
- Like learning new things
- Unemployed (been for >10 years)
- SA/SP
- (prob some more)
How i "handle" all of my problems & life, is just to "manage" it as best i am able, as there is no "cure".
Some or most days are "hellish", but i accept that for now, until i overcome those things that make it such.
I try to work on a bit of a number of my problems every day. I read/study about loneliness, depression, death, philosophy,.. on most days. And this covers the "Like learning new things" part of me. And i ask myself each day 'now what are the lessons i need to learn today?'.
If you're wondering what happens after death, then it makes sense to try to find that out (ie before death). I do that by studying various texts on it, mainly religious, some new-age. They cover things like "dying before you die" (to lose the fear of it), how only the physical body dies but not the consciousness, how to focus on the truly permanent things in life and the impermanent things, etc. I suppose i could give you some links (i have a great many links on death, life, ...). You could easily find some via google though.
It is quite scary how suicide & thoughts of it, are so prevalent in todays world, esp in the youth. I guess it signifies that there are some pretty major things "messed up" in our heads & brains.
You can heal, as nothing is un-healable, but it will take time. However there are different ways to heal, some better than others, some work [much] faster than others.
Try to take things one day at a time, just try to survive each day. That is your #1 task. But that is not enough of course. You then need to try to think in a much more positive way, to fight all the negatives. And to read/study life stuff every day if you can, this is very important i think, otherwise you'll stay trapped forever in your current "reality" (& "reality" is another topic itself .. briefly, you create your reality, it is not a fixed thing).
Maybe also try to "fight" it less? ("... cannot fight anymore"). By that, i mean living in a more going-with-flow way. If the past hurts, then experience fully that pain, accept that it happened, then move on (simplistic, but is the basic idea). All the above is #3. And #2 is look after your mood in the present moment (which is very important, especially for people prone to depression & suicidal thoughts). Those are kind of the basic priorities i have.
There is so much i could write on this, and other stuff, but my time & energy is limited, so i have tried to keep it to a short summary.
Keep fighting in each daily battle, as the war still needs to be won. Your destiny is to survive these battles, and more importantly to learn from them...
Phoenixx
Well-known member
^ Yeah I am. Even though I'm taking a year off right now to focus on my health, I'll be back to pursuing it next year at a new college. It's a lot of work to avoid all that junk food, but the rewards are so worth it! I love my fruits and veggies too.^Thanks Phoenix! Glad to hear you are also benefiting form diet changes, are you still pursuing a degree in nutrition?. It is amazing, life changing stuff. It's beautiful how the body with the right nutrients can heal itself so well, we just have to step out of the way and away from the drive-thrus and convenient store mecca of disease-easy junk that our culture pushes on us. I am a fruit and veggie fiend now haha
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
In agonizing pain and out of pain meds :'(
Phoenixx
Well-known member
Pissed and irritable. Had a crappy dinner tonight because the grill thought it had to engulf my pork chop in flames, I wanted to watch a movie but did something to the tv and got sick of messing with it so I gave up, I've had to deal with my mother's passive aggressiveness/bursts of anger the last few days but today she was worse, and I pulled a muscle in my thigh moving bookshelves today and the pain is annoying. :thumbdown: It's not excruciating, but it's like a poking/pulling feeling and it's just only adding to my annoyance.
On top of that I really want someone to hang out with tonight, but I have no one. What a surprise. I guess I'll just kill more time on The Sims 2 like I have been lately.
On top of that I really want someone to hang out with tonight, but I have no one. What a surprise. I guess I'll just kill more time on The Sims 2 like I have been lately.
awkwardamanda
Well-known member
MikeyC
Well-known member
Some of these are pretty common knowledge, but they can still be hard to do! Good luck, April.
Sorry you're so depressed, springk.
springk
Well-known member
@ Theslowesthand: Thanks, I don't know what to think anymore.
@Mickey: Thank you, I just don't know ......
I think i need a crisis support centre ,helpline whatever.
I don't know if i will ever heal ,i know it takes time but right now i feel i m breaking down. It is like strange feelings in my stomach. It must be anxiety ..may be i have no idea. I wish so many things..but i know if i give up now , this can mean the end of my pathetic existence. Why am i so weak? What is wrong with me?
Words can never express how bad i am feeling. I can't make right anything. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop feeling regret..May be its my ego talking but yes I am my ego right now, I can't do a thing.
I hate to put forth so much negativity.
I am sorry, it doesn't help when some on is whining so much.
But i have to get it out. I know venting online will not help a bit. I have been doing so all my life since i had joined support forums. I had invested so much time in reading about ocd online and replying and posting that now it seems all have been a lie. I was deluding myself because i didn't wanted to face real life. I do not want to face life even today.
I see people who were my classmates , now being in a nice career, engineers, etc and then i feel i wasted all my years believing i was mentally ill..may be i am but i have diagnosis and it didn't matter if i got diagnosed or not..my best years are over now. I can't go back to school. I know there is a life outside school..and if i didn't became an engineer or did research i will not be less human. I just can'y understand how i messed up so much without realizing. I was living all this years, i went to college(studied something i never wanted but i never thought to change it) and now all of a sudden i realize that well i didn't wanted this field/career. what the f**k i was doing all these years!!
If i was alive why i did not feel so much sadness and worthlessness and regret i feel now!
What will i do now? I seems like i am just lost and there is not even 1% desire to live.
I must be reasonable, accepting and forgiving but I AM NOT. I am a big egotist who doesnt have a clue about life and who is prejudiced and hypocrite who judges every career and finds faults everyone, one who has no courage to live life and face realities , who just want others to pamper her and console her , who never takes any advice, who is just to afraid to do a damn thing and who always whine when things don't turn out like her ego wants or if i am my ego ..i always whine when things don't turn out the way i want.
I should start a thread of my negativity..so i that i don't bother you guys.
Yes i admit i am a weak and selfish person. Please bear with me. I should seriously post a thread. Thanks for reading this crap.
I admit i like when people tell me its okay. I feel thankful and glad when someone says something. But i think i have become a big parasite to everyone around me. If God will then He will take me away or otherwise i will have to find a way to live with myself.
@Mickey: Thank you, I just don't know ......
I think i need a crisis support centre ,helpline whatever.
I don't know if i will ever heal ,i know it takes time but right now i feel i m breaking down. It is like strange feelings in my stomach. It must be anxiety ..may be i have no idea. I wish so many things..but i know if i give up now , this can mean the end of my pathetic existence. Why am i so weak? What is wrong with me?
Words can never express how bad i am feeling. I can't make right anything. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop feeling regret..May be its my ego talking but yes I am my ego right now, I can't do a thing.
I hate to put forth so much negativity.
I am sorry, it doesn't help when some on is whining so much.
But i have to get it out. I know venting online will not help a bit. I have been doing so all my life since i had joined support forums. I had invested so much time in reading about ocd online and replying and posting that now it seems all have been a lie. I was deluding myself because i didn't wanted to face real life. I do not want to face life even today.
I see people who were my classmates , now being in a nice career, engineers, etc and then i feel i wasted all my years believing i was mentally ill..may be i am but i have diagnosis and it didn't matter if i got diagnosed or not..my best years are over now. I can't go back to school. I know there is a life outside school..and if i didn't became an engineer or did research i will not be less human. I just can'y understand how i messed up so much without realizing. I was living all this years, i went to college(studied something i never wanted but i never thought to change it) and now all of a sudden i realize that well i didn't wanted this field/career. what the f**k i was doing all these years!!
If i was alive why i did not feel so much sadness and worthlessness and regret i feel now!
What will i do now? I seems like i am just lost and there is not even 1% desire to live.
I must be reasonable, accepting and forgiving but I AM NOT. I am a big egotist who doesnt have a clue about life and who is prejudiced and hypocrite who judges every career and finds faults everyone, one who has no courage to live life and face realities , who just want others to pamper her and console her , who never takes any advice, who is just to afraid to do a damn thing and who always whine when things don't turn out like her ego wants or if i am my ego ..i always whine when things don't turn out the way i want.
I should start a thread of my negativity..so i that i don't bother you guys.
Yes i admit i am a weak and selfish person. Please bear with me. I should seriously post a thread. Thanks for reading this crap.
I admit i like when people tell me its okay. I feel thankful and glad when someone says something. But i think i have become a big parasite to everyone around me. If God will then He will take me away or otherwise i will have to find a way to live with myself.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Still recovery fae the fact ah nearly verbally destroyed ma family. :sad:
2 words: F**kin' ragin'! :veryangry: Y'know the kinda angry where ye use the f-word a wee bit too much...? Well, in generally terms, anyway.
2 words: F**kin' ragin'! :veryangry: Y'know the kinda angry where ye use the f-word a wee bit too much...? Well, in generally terms, anyway.