I returned to Red Cliff today. I hadn't been there for 9 years. 2004 was last time before I descended into hell. 4 years of my life were wiped out by illness and pain. I'd bought these filters for my camera, and they gathered dust in a corner of my unit, before I was well enough to use them. It's a long way down when I look back through those years. It's been a long, long battle, but I did win. I'm a different person now.
Quite lonely. F**k it! Alone. Abandoned. Very irritated. Miserable. :sad:
Basically - right? - ma mum telt me the other day that "The reason yer no taken seriously is... because ye just say amusin' things that make us (the family) laugh"
Aw, thanks fur the backhanded compliment, f**k nuggents! Nice tae huv what ah've always thought confirmed. By which ah mean, naebody seem tae take me or ma problems with anxiety & depression seriously. Do ah really need tae huv the effin' rope roon ma neck before anyone goes: "Oh, f**kin' hell! Ah think he might be serious...?!" :thinking: Hypothetically, speakin', of course. Guess it's back tae therapy for me, then, eh?! :kickingmyself:
Quite lonely. F**k it! Alone. Abandoned. Very irritated. Miserable. :sad:
^Feeling all of this plus a headache. Hey Graeme, sorry you're feeling so F'd up and miserable. Wish i could offer you advice but I'm not sure what to say since I'm in a pretty bad place myself.
^Feeling all of this plus a headache. Hey Graeme, sorry you're feeling so F'd up and miserable. Wish i could offer you advice but I'm not sure what to say since I'm in a pretty bad place myself.
:kickingmyself: --This is my everyday life.
Aye... well. Ye can relate, at least. Oh, sorry, bytheway! Though, ah just feel like there's nae point speakin' aboot ma issues. Since ah just end makin' 'em unintentionally funny.
Damn! This c*ntin' Scotch accent! :omg:
F**k! If ye think it's depressin' tae hear, imagine how ah feel. Nevermind, the fact am still kickin' maself for no standing up tae ma sister a few years when she'd mock ma appearance. Would you confront someone about that, huh? Ah mean, fur the sake o' ma family, am daein' the "Everything's fine... Naw, seriously!" routine, fake smile n' aw!
Sorry, just tellin' it like it is! We Scots huv tendency o' daein' that.
I feel like I was transported here from another time or another planet,things which seems obvious to me are not to other people and vice-versa,never found anyone like me,I dont have many friends or a girlfriend,but even if I had I think I would still be lonely inside.
I feel like I was transported here from another time or another planet,things which seems obvious to me are not to other people and vice-versa,never found anyone like me,I dont have many friends or a girlfriend,but even if I had I think I would still be lonely inside.
Like ah overcompensate - F**k! That a weird word tae say wi' ma Scottish accent :bigsmile: - fur ma lack o' social skills by being "too nice". And tae be perfectly honest, am sick o' always being the "nice guys". :kickingmyself: Doesnae dae me any favour, really... Too feert tae speak ma mind n' say what ah think.
Anyway, aside fae ma self-loathin' of ma niceness, am quite content. No' happy, just content.
Frazzled, sick, confused, nervous, excited, hopeful, proud, relieved, in pain, motivated, fed up - all rolled into one.
Unfortunately the predominant feeling at the moment is that of sickness :/ Should've known better than to get that coffee, it only made my already sick feeling worse. Why must I be so hyper sensitive to everything? And I do mean everything >:l
Frazzled, sick, confused, nervous, excited, hopeful, proud, relieved, in pain, motivated, fed up - all rolled into one.
Unfortunately the predominant feeling at the moment is that of sickness :/ Should've known better than to get that coffee, it only made my already sick feeling worse. Why must I be so hyper sensitive to everything? And I do mean everything >:l
Aw hope ya feel better soon so you can enjoy your barn tour which you must report back about, was that tonight right?
try ginger ale or ginger drops or tea to settle your tummy. Helps me. I am the same way.
Lots of yelling coming from next door, usually it's her at him, this time it's the other way around.
Yikes how awful to have to hear that! Headphones help when I have to cut out stuff like for me it's the wind blowing like the roof might come off. Hate that sound.
I feel so stupid! I had a long day today. We were going to visit my granny but had to wait for my brother a whole freaking hour while he showers and does whatever in the bathroom. Before that, we were convincing him to go because granny's in critical condition.
Anyways after the visit, my brother wanted us to order dinner from a fast food restaurant. I was against it but my parents went along with his suggestion. So we stopped by a Jack in the Box and I asked him what he wanted. He said "no mayo and no cheese" and I was like, "What??" And he said "are you stupid? I said no mayo and no cheese." So I said "I'm asking you what meal you want, as in do you want an ultimate cheeseburger..." but he woudn't reply to that. So I got frustrated. We went to the drive-thru. I didn't take a good look at the menu because the car in front was done so we had to pull up. I was like, "I want to get this over with" so I spoke into the intercom, but lo and behold! No one was speaking on the other end! So I spoke into it again but still nothing. I waited for what seemed like a minute or so, and there was a car behind us. I assumed the intercom wasn't functioning for some reason and didn't want to hold up the line so we pulled out of the drive thru.
Minutes later, my dad and I went into the restaurant to order. FYI I was very embarassed about what happened earlier so I grew very frustrated. I just want to get this done and over with. So I quickly went up the counter and ordered 3 ultimate cheeseburger meals and 1 chicken sandwich. I had no idea why the h*ll I ordered the ultimate cheeseburgers, but that was a huge mistake! When we got home, I looked at the ultimate cheeseburger and it had 2 nasty patties with cheese and mayo and no veggies! Yuck! I'm on a diet but it felt like I'm eating a tub of lard. I also had to gulp down some medium fries. Plus I botched my brother's order and got berated. Way to go me -:kickingmyself:
Mistake #2: The server asked me "small, medium, or large for the drink/fries", and guess what? I said medium! WTF was I thinking?! :thumbdown: I think I was nervous the whole time that i was up there at the counter, plus the incident earlier with the intercom made me feel very embarassed. Frustration took over and I was insane for a good few minutes.
Should i have thrown away that ultimate cheeseburger and fries and just eat something healthier? If I did that, I'd feel bad because growing up, I've been taught to not waste food. Gulping down that ultimate cheeseburger was a nightmare. Tomorrow I'm definitely working out.
Silver lining: all yuckiness aside, the visit at the hospital went pretty well, for the most part. I forced myself to smile when I greeted some relatives and talked to granny several times. When we got there, my mom became the most talkative person in the room, as usual. She has a neverending list of things to tell people. My brother, me, and to some extent my dad stayed quiet while she blabbed on and on. Sometimes I'm amazed how great of an orator my mom is, even though some of the things she said doesn't make sense. I forced myself to listen, laugh, and nod when appropriate. I also managed to jump into the conversation once when my uncle talked about his kid in high school. Plus, instead of standing there like an unmoving rock, I shifted body positions, yay! Believe me, in the past I was too scared to move or even drink water in the presence of other people. But I still had trouble with eye contact, especially with my aunt. Like when my mom was talking, both me and my aunt were looking at her but in our peripheral vision, we notice each other so one of us had to avert our gaze.
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