A few thoughts for the day:
- Why don't I see myself the way other people see me? Sorry if that sounds like a bit of a dumb question, but really. When I get compliments, I often wonder, "What are you seeing?" I'm not talking about compliments on physical appearance (as I rarely get those anyway), but rather my brains. Today my mom and I were talking about college and how my brother was thinking about going. It then quickly jumped to the "You're too smart to drop out of college" speech. Again.
(I don't know why she gives me this speech. She should know I would never drop out.) That's one thing I've been complimented the most on my whole life is how "smart" I am. I'm not trying to say that's a bad thing, I am generally smart and I believe it so (even if I do have my dumb moments
). It's when people add emphasis, going as far as calling me a "genius" is what I get confused, and maybe a little sad, about. I don't believe I'm
that smart at all. No way am I a "genius" or anything. When people say that, I feel like they expect so much more from me, which adds pressure to the whole fear of failing. I'm not trying to come off like I'm complaining here (and I apologize if I sound like I'm whining again), just something that's been on my mind for most of the day.
- I kinda want to tell my brother that I'm 90% sure he has a mild form of a certain type of Tourette's, but I'm afraid it would make him pretty self-conscious. As much as I envy his confidence and socialization, that is something I would never want to take away, or seen taken away. Ever. As much as he can get on my nerves and really piss me off, I would never want him to feel the way I do on a daily basis... I asked my mom about it, whether she ever noticed what he does, and she said she did. She noticed it when he was little, even mentioned it to doctors and speech therapists in the past and no one ever took the time to look into it at all. I showed her what I found and she was pretty surprised, said she was glad to finally know something about it. She's just as stumped as I am as to why he has it at all.
- I need to move out!! No really, I want to so incredibly bad. I want a life for myself. The plan I have this year is
really (and I can't emphasize that enough) work on getting my license, while also working whatever little jobs I can find to earn money and save up more for an apartment. As soon as I have my license, I want to go back to apartment hunting in the same city as I was looking in last month. I love it there, I really do. It's a great place, laid-back city atmosphere, very diverse and cultured for a smallish city, has an incredible glass museum (highly recommend a visit), lots of stores and everything nearby, yet not busting out the seams with people. Plus, I'll be much closer to my college (since it's just above the city on the top of a huge hill) and the locals are really nice. Not all of them obviously, but most. I'm willing to challenge as much of my social phobia as I can to achieve this. I'm pretty set on all these goals. I just hope that this determined mindset doesn't wane as the year progresses.
