Post your random thoughts/feelings etc

I have butterflies in my stomach...waiting for a text from someone...
Seriously, waiting is torture !
I kept looking at the time & wonder whether he already awake & will he text me?
I cannot text him first so he won't be able to notice my feelings...
 
Don't think my family like me that much... :idontknow: I've never really gotten on with them. I'm starting to wondering if I'm more to blame for that, or if it's just a clash of personalities? :question:
 
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There's a guy I went to high school with, a great guy, who ended-up getting into hard drugs and had some kind of psychotic break or something a few years back.

About a year ago he got the idea that aliens were in his attic spying on him, so he took a pistol and shot up the ceiling. When police responded, there was a standoff and he actually shot at them through the front door. Eventually someone convinced him to surrender, and they took him to an institution, or whatever politically correct term applies to those places today, and kept him for about six months.

Anyway, this guy has started sending me text messages saying he wants to hang out and that I should come over. He's always been friends with my brother (who's a whole other story himself) and my brother says he's okay, even though he tells me all these crazy stories the guy tells him; like he's been infected with aids but it's okay because he bought some kind of weird bullshit online that cures it and that there's poison on his walls because his chiropractor wants to kill him.

Anywho, I brushed him off the first time he sent me a text because I had a good excuse, but he keeps texting me. Tonight he just sent me a blank message...

There's no way in Hell I'm going over there; even if he's okay 99% of the time, I know my luck, I'd go over there and end-up like Patch Adam's girlfriend.

I feel bad for him, but nobody's going to kill me before I live.
 

theoutsider

Well-known member
It's been a pretty good year for me. I started my job in November of 2016 and the time flew by so fast! When I started, I thought it was a great place to work but I've been excited in the past about starting a new job in hopes that this time things will be different. Well, the excitement and expectations were well justified this time around. My work has been appreciated and often complimented and my co-workers are all mature minded and non intrusive. I really hadn't stopped to consider how well things are going until I realized I had hit my one year anniversary. Hope it continues this way.
 
Sometimes I dont see the point in doing anything . No body gives a **** about me except maybe my mom.

I cant find the motivation to really excel at anything when I have no one in my life...its like theres no reward because even if I do succeed who would care anyway? I'll STILL be alone.

my family doesnt even love me , my older two siblings have done their best to ignore me my whole life and my dad pretty much ignores me 24/7. other than my mom, I cant remember the last time anyone in my family said they love me or even acted like it.


I feel like I have pretty much no one ...iv felt like that for so long.....if it werent for THAT I would be normal/just one of that guys..but instead its like I have this dark cloud always looming over me because of the lack of close freinds and family.



I see people all the time with close freinds and families that love them spending time together and it just makes me so depressed because I feel like I know i'll never have that....no one in my family even hugs me except my mom every once in a while but thats a bit rare.


...im just going to be alone...I feel like thats just how things are going to be and I dont think there's anything I can do about it.
I feel similar. I'm used to it.

I used to have false motivation (to create world firsts & help people), but that's all gone. It's taken some hard years to learn to cope without diversions, & still years more to go. I've always coped with life by using diversions, comfort eating & alcohol. Right now i'm kinda run out of alcohol, but it's not as bad as i thought it might be. But in general i find life is harder without diversions (eg television).

A big difference is that I DON'T see people all the time with close friends and families. So it doesn't affect me, hardly or at all. It used to affect me more, eg as a child.

I suppose i COULD change things, but i'm scared of change, so i don't change things, so my miserable life (more miserable now that i don't have my main diversion of programming) stays the same. Therapy is as good as useless. A life coach probably wouldn't work as it would involve setting goals & striving towards goals & much practical stuff - which i don't do.
 
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True. :)


That reminds me of when I was driving past a cemetery a few months ago and had these thoughts...

Nobody remembers the hundreds of people buried in the ground there. (Apart from the immediate relatives, if they are still alive).

All that remains of those hundreds of people lives, is a skeleton buried in the ground.
Their whole lives have vanished from existence and memory.

Our lives will simply vanish from the history of the human race after we are dead and buried, and only our immediate relatives may sometimes remember us. But when even they have aged and died, then even the memory of us will no longer exist.

We all vanish into nothing.

After we have been buried for 40 - 60 years, we will have disappeared from history as if we never lived our lives at all!

We worry and panic about so many THINGS and SITUATIONS in our lives, EVERY DAY.

Why? When one day our existence - and how we lived our lives - will just vanish from history, forever.

Maybe in the future, long after I am dead and buried, someone might drive past that same cemetery, like I did a few months ago. They might see MY headstone - among the thousands of others - and they then might wonder about OUR vanished lives.
Yes that's why I try not to take things too seriously, especially as an atheist: Just trying to live the best I can, the longer I can, without hurting anyone in the process.
 
I had a therapist once who told me, as humans, we don't do things that we don't have some reason or another for doing. A thing that is completely bad in every way, basically, we just wouldn't do. Somewhere in our brains, we have some reason for all the things we do.

This makes me wonder about certain things I do, like repeatedly listen to the same album over and over when I know it will make me feel depressed. Do I want to feel depressed? That doesn't sound right, but then I'm left without an answer. I could say it's because I like the music, but then the question as to why I like something that depresses me comes up.

It feels like this is the beginning of an answer to something, like some sort of insight into my psychology, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I often feel like I'm my own worst enemy and hold myself back. I know how I feel, but I don't know why.
 
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I wonder how it would go if I just had t-shirts printed-up that read "I Have Social Phobia" on them, and wore them when I went out?

Would my weirdness be better understood?

Would it be seen as an attention-seeking stunt?

Would Thora Birch see me, say we're soulmates and take me away from all of this?

It may be a worthwhile social experiment.
 
I was getting a patient up yesterday to go to an appointment and he fell. He was elderly, so now he's in worse shape than before - I feel like shit because of it. Yesterday, as a whole, was super chaotic at work and just over all shitty.

To make matters worse, the guy I was seeing a few months ago (he worked in my department, but moved away for school), is now coming back to work full time in my department. There's a woman who he goes to school with who also works in my department sometimes - I had to sit and watch them flirt the entire 2 days I have had to work with both of them. I know he has a crush on her and it just really sucks for me. He still talks to me as if nothing ever happened between us... I made the mistake of sleeping with him, so I feel like that ****ed me up/made me get attached. I still am attracted to him, too - I hate it. Just another knife in the heart, I guess.
 
I was getting a patient up yesterday to go to an appointment and he fell. He was elderly, so now he's in worse shape than before - I feel like shit because of it. Yesterday, as a whole, was super chaotic at work and just over all shitty.

To make matters worse, the guy I was seeing a few months ago (he worked in my department, but moved away for school), is now coming back to work full time in my department. There's a woman who he goes to school with who also works in my department sometimes - I had to sit and watch them flirt the entire 2 days I have had to work with both of them. I know he has a crush on her and it just really sucks for me. He still talks to me as if nothing ever happened between us... I made the mistake of sleeping with him, so I feel like that ****ed me up/made me get attached. I still am attracted to him, too - I hate it. Just another knife in the heart, I guess.
It's murder trying to hide your feelings when you're sensitive.

I once had an elderly neighbor fall while I was helping him and I just wanted to crawl into a hole.

Treat yourself to something, you earned it.
 
I had a therapist once who told me, as humans, we don't do things that we don't have some reason or another for doing. A thing that is completely bad in every way, basically, we just wouldn't do. Somewhere in our brains, we have some reason for all the things we do.

This makes me wonder about certain things I do, like repeatedly listen to the same album over and over when I know it will make me feel depressed. Do I want to feel depressed? That doesn't sound right, but then I'm left without an answer. I could say it's because I like the music, but then the question as to why I like something that depresses me comes up.

It feels like this is the beginning of an answer to something, like some sort of insight into my psychology, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I often feel like I'm my own worst enemy and hold myself back. I know how I feel, but I don't know why.
I've once done some "research" on that matter a while ago and it would appear that the answer simply lies in the fact that it makes your brain produce one of the chemicals responsible for pleasure and, indirectly (?), addiction, same chemicals that some studies have shown to be responsable for "therapy addiction" (the brief feeling of pleasure that whining and complaining induces). I don't remember all the science behind it because I have no memory and I'm not that smart but with some perseverance (the studies on brain chemicals and stuff are surprisingly scattered) you can find some very interesting theories.
 
I've once done some "research" on that matter a while ago and it would appear that the answer simply lies in the fact that it makes your brain produce one of the chemicals responsible for pleasure and, indirectly (?), addiction, same chemicals that some studies have shown to be responsable for "therapy addiction" (the brief feeling of pleasure that whining and complaining induces). I don't remember all the science behind it because I have no memory and I'm not that smart but with some perseverance (the studies on brain chemicals and stuff are surprisingly scattered) you can find some very interesting theories.
Thanks, that is interesting. I actually almost used the word "addicting" in my original post, because that's how it feels sometimes. I'll have to look for some of these theories, I'm curious as to how the cognitive aspects interact with the biological ones, and (in a more philosophical sense) why.
 
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