MaliceInWickedland
Well-known member
It’s really gloomy out today. I’m surprised it hasn’t started pouring rain by now. This kind of weather is my favorite. Quiet, cold, somber – it fits my mood today very well. I don’t know… I’m just kind of melancholy right now after doing a lot of reflecting on my life and myself. Wondering why I’m always so unhappy…
I was remembering how family members, mostly my aunts from my mom's side of the family, would always ask me "Your mother and grandmother have always been such cheerful people, even with all the crap they've been through. Why are you always so gloomy and bitter when you practically have everything handed to you on a silver plate?"
I wish I knew the answer to that. It is partially true. I mean, I grew up in semi-poverty in a pretty bad neighborhood until we moved here to where we live now (for the time being) and then that’s when life got slightly better and my parents were able to make a lot more money. Then my father died and my mom had to be both a mother and father to me, which was hard enough as it was given the circumstances of when she was diagnosed with breast cancer almost a year after his death. She pulled through though and she lived to raise me into the person I am today. I don’t have the slightest clue as to how she managed to pull that off up to this point without being driven insane from all the stress she gets from work and here at home from me always being such a mental mess.
We’ve been through a lot in the last 11 years we’ve been living in this house. She’s been though a hella lot more though, so much that you could make a Lifetime movie out of her. Knowing that, I have no idea how she always manages to keep a smile on her face and always be cheerful and silly while I’m the Debbie Downer of the family who’s the complete opposite - always negative, gets irritated by the slightest things, literally has to put her face into a workout to genuinely smile. It makes me sick to my stomach. Why can’t I be happy? What’s wrong with me?
I literally have everything. Everything people in this kind of economy are working so hard for. Yeah I appreciate what I have, but sometimes I feel like I don’t appreciate them enough. You’d think I would know how to appreciate things in life better after all the things I’ve lost. My father, almost losing my mother and thinking I was going to be an orphan, my grandmother, most of my friends, my family.
Well, my family is a completely different story. They’ve never really been there for us to begin with. I’m sure by now you guys have seen plenty of my posts where I talk about my family and how they use my mother and I. I could write a whole other page about that. They’re just leeches. All of them. If they knew what we have, they would probably all form an angry mob together, track us down (we haven’t told them at all about how we’re moving away this weekend) and kill us.
I probably sound like I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. My mother and I are the most financially secure out of everyone else (because of my father's wrongful death of course) and for that reason alone we have to completely isolate ourselves and burn all bridges. None of our family can be trusted. I’m even more appalled by them after my mom told me about how she was sexually abused by two family members I used to confide in. She even told me about how one of my aunts sold herself to the devil for money in front of everyone during a party, a few years before I was born. That’s pretty f****** scary.
I think we’re doing the right thing by moving away without telling anyone about it and cutting off all ties. People just cannot be trusted, not even my own family. All of this just adds even more to my social anxiety. I just feel like I can’t trust anyone at all and that I don’t fit in anywhere because I always have to keep my life a secret from everyone in fear that they’ll try to hurt me if they know the truth.
It’s like I’m being chased by a hungry pack of wolves and I always have to confine myself to this lonely cave (my home) in fear that stepping out of it will result in my death.
That’s the only explanation I can up with as to why I’m so unhappy. I mean, I really hate to have self-pity and s*** but I think it’s pretty sad that I have to live this lie and pretend to be something I’m not so that people don’t know who I really am. Then again, being something I’m not and always wearing this mask is something I’ve been doing since I first developed my social anxiety.
I think the bigger problem is that I don't know how to express myself properly. It's like I don't know how to show my emotions properly. Take the other day for example when my mom and I were given the golden news of a lifetime that we got the house. My mom broke down in tears while all I could do was stand there and awkwardly smile. I could feel inside that I was happy, but my face just couldn't show it. It's the same with any other emotion. I can be really sad and have the overwhelming urge to cry, but the tears won't fall. It's like I won't allow them to no matter how much I yearn for it. The only emotion I'm actually capable of showing is anger and irritation and I can only genuinely smile and laugh if I'm by myself here in my room with nobody around.
I'm an emotionless prick. It's pathetic...
*Shakes my head* Whatever. I guess I just need to suck it up, stop feeling sorry for myself, accept myself for who I am, and try to live life normally even though it’s the complete opposite of normal. Maybe then I'll know what it feels like to be an actual human being.
I'm terribly sorry for that overwhelmingly cringe-worthy long post. I've had this bottled up inside of me for so many years and I couldn't take it anymore. Somebody has to know the truth about me, even if it's a complete stranger. I just can't take this s*** anymore.
I was remembering how family members, mostly my aunts from my mom's side of the family, would always ask me "Your mother and grandmother have always been such cheerful people, even with all the crap they've been through. Why are you always so gloomy and bitter when you practically have everything handed to you on a silver plate?"
I wish I knew the answer to that. It is partially true. I mean, I grew up in semi-poverty in a pretty bad neighborhood until we moved here to where we live now (for the time being) and then that’s when life got slightly better and my parents were able to make a lot more money. Then my father died and my mom had to be both a mother and father to me, which was hard enough as it was given the circumstances of when she was diagnosed with breast cancer almost a year after his death. She pulled through though and she lived to raise me into the person I am today. I don’t have the slightest clue as to how she managed to pull that off up to this point without being driven insane from all the stress she gets from work and here at home from me always being such a mental mess.
We’ve been through a lot in the last 11 years we’ve been living in this house. She’s been though a hella lot more though, so much that you could make a Lifetime movie out of her. Knowing that, I have no idea how she always manages to keep a smile on her face and always be cheerful and silly while I’m the Debbie Downer of the family who’s the complete opposite - always negative, gets irritated by the slightest things, literally has to put her face into a workout to genuinely smile. It makes me sick to my stomach. Why can’t I be happy? What’s wrong with me?
I literally have everything. Everything people in this kind of economy are working so hard for. Yeah I appreciate what I have, but sometimes I feel like I don’t appreciate them enough. You’d think I would know how to appreciate things in life better after all the things I’ve lost. My father, almost losing my mother and thinking I was going to be an orphan, my grandmother, most of my friends, my family.
Well, my family is a completely different story. They’ve never really been there for us to begin with. I’m sure by now you guys have seen plenty of my posts where I talk about my family and how they use my mother and I. I could write a whole other page about that. They’re just leeches. All of them. If they knew what we have, they would probably all form an angry mob together, track us down (we haven’t told them at all about how we’re moving away this weekend) and kill us.
I probably sound like I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. My mother and I are the most financially secure out of everyone else (because of my father's wrongful death of course) and for that reason alone we have to completely isolate ourselves and burn all bridges. None of our family can be trusted. I’m even more appalled by them after my mom told me about how she was sexually abused by two family members I used to confide in. She even told me about how one of my aunts sold herself to the devil for money in front of everyone during a party, a few years before I was born. That’s pretty f****** scary.
I think we’re doing the right thing by moving away without telling anyone about it and cutting off all ties. People just cannot be trusted, not even my own family. All of this just adds even more to my social anxiety. I just feel like I can’t trust anyone at all and that I don’t fit in anywhere because I always have to keep my life a secret from everyone in fear that they’ll try to hurt me if they know the truth.
It’s like I’m being chased by a hungry pack of wolves and I always have to confine myself to this lonely cave (my home) in fear that stepping out of it will result in my death.
That’s the only explanation I can up with as to why I’m so unhappy. I mean, I really hate to have self-pity and s*** but I think it’s pretty sad that I have to live this lie and pretend to be something I’m not so that people don’t know who I really am. Then again, being something I’m not and always wearing this mask is something I’ve been doing since I first developed my social anxiety.
I think the bigger problem is that I don't know how to express myself properly. It's like I don't know how to show my emotions properly. Take the other day for example when my mom and I were given the golden news of a lifetime that we got the house. My mom broke down in tears while all I could do was stand there and awkwardly smile. I could feel inside that I was happy, but my face just couldn't show it. It's the same with any other emotion. I can be really sad and have the overwhelming urge to cry, but the tears won't fall. It's like I won't allow them to no matter how much I yearn for it. The only emotion I'm actually capable of showing is anger and irritation and I can only genuinely smile and laugh if I'm by myself here in my room with nobody around.
I'm an emotionless prick. It's pathetic...
*Shakes my head* Whatever. I guess I just need to suck it up, stop feeling sorry for myself, accept myself for who I am, and try to live life normally even though it’s the complete opposite of normal. Maybe then I'll know what it feels like to be an actual human being.
I'm terribly sorry for that overwhelmingly cringe-worthy long post. I've had this bottled up inside of me for so many years and I couldn't take it anymore. Somebody has to know the truth about me, even if it's a complete stranger. I just can't take this s*** anymore.
.
