Mind of Malice

[Phoenixx]

Ugh, I hate girls like that. I've never had anyone do exactly that to me, but I've still been made fun of from a distance. You should've started throwing popcorn at them throughout the movie. That's what it's intentionally for, right?

 

[twiggle]

The scenario you've described of the girls approaching you like that sounds so familiar, but they're just young and bitchy girls who probably all complain about each other too. Of course, knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with at the time... such people can be very intimidating... but for them to act like that it's usually a sign of their own doubts and insecurities - possibly with each other... so just forget about them. They're not worthy of anything more than a 'meh'.

And well-done on realising your sexuality I can imagine there's some relief to be found in this new understanding of yourself.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I used to be able to shut people up with a single look~ back in highschool when people truly believed that I was a serial killer...
I don't even try anymore.
I take in people whispering and talking about me; making comments-- then I go home and cry.
...so emo.
haha

Anyway-- those chicks were dumb.
You're awesome.
'Nuff said.

 

[Aletheia]

the map is never as accurate as the mapped

Geez why can't everyone just be pansexual and not care about who they like? Why do we even have to label our sexuality??

This......

 

[MikeyC]

I take in people whispering and talking about me; making comments-- then I go home and cry.
...so emo.

That's sad. ::

Anyway-- those chicks were dumb.
You're awesome.
'Nuff said.

Absolutely.

Also good to see you posting as well, Weirdy.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

I used to be able to shut people up with a single look~ back in highschool when people truly believed that I was a serial killer...
I don't even try anymore.
I take in people whispering and talking about me; making comments-- then I go home and cry.
...so emo.
haha

Anyway-- those chicks were dumb.
You're awesome.
'Nuff said.

People assume the most ridiculous things just by looking at someone... A lot of people in high school thought I was going to turn into one of those Columbine kids. I even overheard some upperclassmen girls talking about how glad they were that they would be graduating soon so that they wouldn't be around the day I gun everyone down. Even the school security would look at me weird sometimes and one of them always talked to me like they were totally suspicious of me. They probably would have made me go through a metal detector every morning if they could. Geez...

And there's nothing "emo" about crying. It's a very human thing to be able to do and sometimes that's the only thing you can do to let those certain feelings out. I can't bring myself to cry most of the time, even when things like that happen. Sadness is replaced by anger and all that anger turns into self-loathing. If people really knew how much I hate myself they would think twice before talking smack about me because then they would realize that there would be no point in making me feel inferior when I already feel lower than a snake's belly.

Anyway, it's nice to see you posting Weirdy. I hope you've been feeling better

 

[MikeyC]

If people really knew how much I hate myself they would think twice before talking smack about me because then they would realize that there would be no point in making me feel inferior when I already feel lower than a snake's belly.

So sad. I think lots of you, if that helps at all.

 

[Shyangel]

I love your journal, Alice! I crack up reading what you write on here, you have such a great sense of humor. Your a great writer, I hope you pursue it.

I know exactly how you feel. I've had my fair share of experience with these kinda girls.
It's mad me feel really bad in the past, but somebody would regret doing anything like that to me now. It takes the smallest bit of disrespect to set me off like the fourth of July. I certainly wont walk away without making my point known. I'm out going when it comes to someone pissing me off....But I digress...I'm sorry you were treated like that. You are much cooler then those girls will ever be.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

I love your journal, Alice! I crack up reading what you write on here, you have such a great sense of humor. Your a great writer, I hope you pursue it.

I know exactly how you feel. I've had my fair share of experience with these kinda girls.
It's mad me feel really bad in the past, but somebody would regret doing anything like that to me now. It takes the smallest bit of disrespect to set me off like the fourth of July. I certainly wont walk away without making my point known. I'm out going when it comes to someone pissing me off....But I digress...I'm sorry you were treated like that. You are much cooler then those girls will ever be.

Thanks Angel! You don't know how happy that makes me

I used to be like that. It didn't take very much for me to explode into a fiery fury and while I do still have a bit of a temper nowadays I can't bring myself to fight back and stand up for myself. I can have a sharp tongue every now and then but only in the rarest of cases. Most of the time I just stay quiet and absorb these kinds of situations like a sponge until I overflow with emotion and let my feelings be known through other methods like posting here on my journal (unfortunately for you guys :.

Thanks again I don't know why I even bother rambling about these things when they happen so often. I should be used to this by now. Sorry if I'm being a total Debbie Downer. I just wish I could love myself more and have the confidence to stand up for myself when these kinds of things happen.

 

[Shyangel]

Thanks Angel! You don't know how happy that makes me

I used to be like that. It didn't take very much for me to explode into a fiery fury and while I do still have a bit of a temper nowadays I can't bring myself to fight back and stand up for myself. I can have a sharp tongue every now and then but only in the rarest of cases. Most of the time I just stay quiet and absorb these kinds of situations like a sponge until I overflow with emotion and let my feelings be known through other methods like posting here on my journal (unfortunately for you guys :.

Thanks again I don't know why I even bother rambling about these things when they happen so often. I should be used to this by now. Sorry if I'm being a total Debbie Downer. I just wish I could love myself more and have the confidence to stand up for myself when these kinds of things happen.

Oh, no, no problem here. It's good to get these things off your chest. Every body has " Debbie Downer" thoughts, there's nothing wrong with it. I can relate to how you feel anyway. I don't always stand up for myself either, so I understand. Every body's pretty much trying to get the same things, so I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Holy son of a turkey fart, I don't think I've ever been this shaken up yet relieved. My shirt is drenched in sweat.

I don't know if any of you saw that rant I made on that "Dream Girl/Guy" thread about me being in love with my female best friend and all that jazz but.. well, I told my *other* best friend about how I was feeling about that girl because I really needed to tell someone about this before it drove me insane. So she was understand as always and told me that if this was dragging me down so much then I should just tell that girl about it.

I obviously bashed that idea, especially after what happened in jr. high when I told this girl that I liked her. Did I ever even tell that story here? Well, in case I didn't, here's what happened:

So about midway through 7th grade I developed a crush on this girl I was good friends with and later on in the year I told her about it and at first she acted like she was really flattered and was cool with it and I felt relieved. A few days later I started noticing people looking at me differently, whispering among themselves as I passed by, and over time random people started coming up to me and asking me things like “Are you a lez?” and whatnot and that’s when I realized that the girl had told everyone about it and everything went downhill from there. I was called names, bullied, harassed by guys, and so on..

The worst case was during lunch one day when I went to use one of the bathrooms near the side of the school where there weren’t a lot of people and these guys were hanging out there and there wasn’t anyone around at the time. As soon as they saw me they cornered me and asked me if I liked girls, to which I replied “What the hell do you care?” and tried to get past them and one of them pinned me against the wall and said that he "could change that”. I was scared s***less thinking that I was going to get raped or molested or something but thank God some girls were coming towards us and saw what was going on and immediately told one of the supervisors that patrolled the school.

After that the rumors died down for a while. Then of course the little incident happened where I accidentally touched a girl’s butt as she was walking by me during history class and the rumors popped up tenfold. With my luck, that girl whose butt I accidentally touched was friends with the girl I confessed to and **** went even more downhill from there.

With her friends as witnesses to the incident, the girl tried to get me in trouble for sexual harassment and they almost succeeded in getting me suspended if not expelled. I got called to the vice principal one day and was told that there were complaints made against me for sexual harassment and it was a real f***ing mess but luckily I was able to get those girls who saw those guys cornering me and the supervisor who caught them in the act to defend me by saying that I was the one being harassed by people for apparently being a lesbian and the vice principal caught on to what the girls were trying to do to me and I was let off the hook. The rumors still lingered throughout the rest of jr. high but by that time I had already become numb to them with all the crap that had already happened.

During that time I had my best friend who I've had a huge crush on for years (well, I think it's safe to say that it's become more than a crush by now...) and when I started to realize that I was developing feelings for her I tried to push her away in fear that I would grow to like her so much like I did that other girl and that when I finally couldn't hold it in any more and told her my feelings she would do what that girl did to me.

I know this girl well enough to know that she would never do such a thing, but I'm so traumatized from all that stuff that happened in jr. high that I will always have that underlying fear that I'll have to live all of that crap over again if I tell a girl that I like her.

So after A LOT of encouragement on my other friend's part, I decided to give my friend a call and tell her everything, from my coming out of the closet to what happened in jr. high and finally to how I felt about her and why I treated her the way I did all these years. I was so nervous and it took me a while to finally come out and say it. By the time I had started telling her about why I was such a lousy friend to her all these years I was in tears and had a hard time keeping myself under control but I eventually pulled through and in the end my friend was very understanding and cool with it and she even told me that it took a lot of ovaries to do what I did. Haha..

Well, I certainly feel a lot more confident in myself now that I finally took this other weight off my should after so many years. 6 years ago I never would have been able to do this kind of thing and that shows me just how much I've grown and for once I feel like I can be proud of myself.

Of course my friend doesn't feel the same way about me but I accept that and am happy enough to just have such an amazing friend like her in my life

Whew~ so that was my day. I'm still slightly shaking from the nerves I had during that phone call. I really need to change my shirt too because I was sweating like a prostitute in church -___-

Well.. just wanted to come here and vent that out. I have some homework to get to for my creative writing class so I'd better get to it!

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful day everyone!

 

[MikeyC]

Malice, you were so brave. It took many ovaries but you did it, despite the bad history. You may not believe it but you are such an inspiration.

 

[Phoenixx]

Good on you, Malice! Your friend's right, that does take a lot of "ovaries" to do what you just did. :: Really sorry to hear what happened in middle/high school. I know it's hard to move on from all the teasing, as I still struggle with what's happened in the past, but you will in time. It's all off your shoulders now, so you can relax.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

ovaries are just another word for femmeballs.
It's science!

 

[MikeyC]

Really sorry to hear what happened in middle/high school. I know it's hard to move on from all the teasing, as I still struggle with what's happened in the past, but you will in time.

Yeah, mine is also an ongoing struggle with high school. I guess we all have emotional baggage from that time in our lives.

ovaries are just another word for femmeballs.
It's science!

Dr. Weirdy has spoken!