I was feeling really good yesterday, feeling hopeful, and now today I'm feeling pissed off. Just a lot of minor annoyances. It's too early to be dealing with all this little bullshit. Hope my day turns around.
Nope. It didn't. I know why I'm frustrated today. I know why I'm upset and honestly it just sucks. I felt so good yesterday, so hopeful, and yet I feel like someone else did not reciprocate those feelings. Basically I feel like they don't believe in me or didn't even care about the major project idea I've had for a long time that I'm trying to turn into a reality. And that makes me really sad. I wish they understood how much I have struggled mentally. They don't. I can't ever make them understand. But the last week has been a little bit of a breakthrough for me and I'm actually really happy. Like I'm literally feeling happy again and eager thinking of taking on certain projects I hadn't thought about doing in years. Thinking ahead of doing things that I've wanted to do for a long time. I'm happy for myself, but it hurts when someone really important to me doesn't seem to have that same happiness because they seemingly don't care.
I took a drive down to the coast yesterday for the first time in 6 or 7 years, which is insane, as much as I love the place. I just didn't feel like going down there without Charley until now. It always clears my head out to see the ocean; to punctuate things, I ran into some really bad rain on the way down there; lightning, thunder, the whole shebang. I couldn't see 30 feet in front of my car. I had checked the forecast, so I thought to myself "Now? Now it's gonna storm like sheer Hell?"
But just as I crossed into the city of Wilmington the weather cleared-up. I had lived there years ago, so it was a lot of fun seeing all the old places. I was surprised by just how much new stuff had sprung-up. I didn't go by the house I used to live in because there were so many people out and about and going too far off the main road in all that traffic honestly felt a little daunting. Overall, though, it was a really good trip... Gus was miserable with his first hike down the interstate, but he perked-up once we got on the road. He was a big hit with the ladies. You have to slow waaaay down as you're driving through Kure Beach so he got lots of attention, hanging out the window like a movie star at a premiere.
It was nice being down there again; it felt homey. Sure, it was a rough trip; and once we got there it was still overcast in spots and there were some sprinkles here and there, but I got the message.
I got praise from my oldest sister today... Why? Because I don't bother anyone or cause drama. What a f__kin' achievement that is ! Is that where we are noo, as a society, where no being an obnoxious, loudmouth c__t is actually summit tae be admired, huh? F__king hell, man ! That shouldnae even be praise worthy.
But then, that might just be me? Dysfunctional family n' that. It's no easy growing up having to be example n' role model ye didnae huv in yer life. Anyway, that enough o' that... f__kin' self pity party.
Eager for what the rest of the week holds. I got an email today for a job interview for next week, for a full-time position (with benefits) I was previously rejected for and never even got an interview opportunity. The fact that they're giving me a second chance must mean there's something they like about me. That being said, I'm also nervous because that means I'm really going to have to impress somehow, since they're giving me that second chance. It's going to be held via Zoom conference so I'm not totally sure how that's going to work or what to expect. I've only had a video call on Zoom once, but that was with friends. I've never had anything job related through there, so it should be interesting.
I'm somewhat excited about this, but trying really hard not to get my hopes up and just remain neutral about the whole thing. If I get it, great. If I don't, oh well. I didn't really lose anything to begin with.
I also have a therapist appt this week and I have a to go over from the last month. I'm going to increase my appts to twice a month now I think. My mindset is in a weird place. Not that it hasn't been, but it's... different. Part of what's bothering me is that my brother recently moved back in with my parents. I won't get into it, it's a long story and I don't want to put too many personal details here. But... I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. I mean, I know why it bothers me but at the same time I don't know why it bothers me to the degree it does. Does that even make sense?
My brother has some issues too, but I no longer have sympathy for his problems because honestly he did it to himself. My family is pretty narcissistic, but he takes the cake. He's so arrogant he won't even pick himself up and my mother practically does it for him. That's what makes me so angry. Because when I struggle, I'm left to struggle and figure it out. Growing up, if I had a problem, I was given a solution and left to do it on my own. If I didn't like said solution, I figured out something else. Meanwhile with simple tasks, like making phone calls (I know with SA the notion isn't simple but the physical task itself is), my mother would take over and do it for us. I didn't even realize until adulthood, and very recently, how much I don't know with some things. It makes you feel pretty dumb honestly. To this day she will still try to butt in and go out of her way to do something for me I am 100% capable of doing and I have to tell her no quite a few times to get the point across.
Even emotionally she always tended to coddle my brother. Growing up, if I was feeling angry or upset, I was often told to get over it, or that I was being dramatic. *Massive sexism alert here* When my brother was feeling that way, he would often get a hug, or she'd feel sorry for him, but still occasionally told him to get over it too. My family definitely has never been the sensitive type to address emotions and I really don't know why. To top it off, my father has always been absent emotionally too and pretty much physically since he practically dedicates every breath to working or sleeping. Having both parents absent emotionally, it really f***s you up later in life, not even kidding. I believe it's the main reason why I struggle with anger so much.
Pissed off since yesterday. I can't take this heat wave anymore, it just adds to my misery. Tried to have a decent trip to the store this morning to get new curtains and had so many inconveniences I almost left without buying anything, but I didn't want it to be a wasted trip so I got what I needed anyways. Came home and apparently I'm such a pathetic piece of shit I can't manage to hang up curtains properly, I broke the bracket the rod inserts into and can't even manage to replace it because there's so much paint covering the damn thing I can't get a screwdriver into the screw. I managed to cry over it because I got so angry - I feel like such a freaking child, but I cannot control it. I just feel so mentally and emotionally broken anymore, I can't take it. I hate acting like this and feeling like this, but I don't know what to do. I see my therapist tomorrow. I wonder if we should discuss medication. I don't know.
Oh and pest control is STILL coming around spraying my yard. They were JUST HERE a month ago, two months ago prior to that, and now they're here today. And I can't cancel the damn contract because, lo and behold, it's under my mother's name because she's the one who freaking set it up in the first place when she was staying here back in the fall after her surgery. I am getting so tired of her "help" all the time it's driving me insane.
Yay, let down by ma family again - for the umpteenth f__kin' time ! Did they bother to tell me plans had changed 2 days ago?! Naw, f__k it, tell 'em with less than 24 hours to go. Cuz that f__ckin' considerate, isn't it...?! But then, they tell me f__k all.
Yet, if I express just how pissed off I am, it's me who's the bad yin. Me, who's in the wrong. Can't fall out with 'em, can't tell them what I actually think o' them. Cuz that'll cause a $h!%-storm of an argument. Naw ! Now, smile and pretend yous get along.
Shaky. Kinda nauseous. Had my job interview. I did my best. I think I did well, but I know I didn't answer one question correctly. It was a long and hard question, based on material that I haven't even view in over a year. Do you know how hard it is to answer questions based on the field you studied if you haven't put any of that knowledge to work in over a year? I stumbled a few times, I was getting so nervous since it was an interview with three other people over video conference. Ugh, I want to throw up.
If I don't get this job, I guess I'm not even going to sweat it. I want it, sure, but if I don't get it I never lost anything to begin with. And if I don't get this job, I'm not even going to bother using my degree or looking for jobs in my field anymore. It will be wasted, but what else am I supposed to do? My field is a crapshoot, and so badly do I wish college gives you that wake-up call, but it doesn't. Oh well. I dug my own hole doing this, time to find a new outlet if this doesn't work out.
Well, I cut the front yard (this is with a non-propelled push-mower) and the heat was a blistering one-hundred degrees. When I went around to the back, the neighbor's son came jogging over and offered to cut it in the morning with their riding lawnmower. I tried to tell him that I don't mind doing it, but that's the thing about southerners, they're so polite that it's almost impossible to say no.
So I said, "Okay, you can cut the back." and told him I'd pay him something (where that's going to come from, I don't know) and of course, he said that wasn't necessary. But I can't let him do it for nothing. Soooo now I've gone from push-mowing a large property in hellish conditions because I'm too phobic to take the riding lawnmower to the shop, to now push-mowing just the front yard in hellish conditions and paying the neighbor's kid to mow the back with money I don't have because I'm too phobic to be firm with others.
So I'm feeling pretty crappy about all that AND the fact that this 15-year old kid is already light-years ahead of me when it comes to communicating and dealing with people. His roots are set and he's steadily becoming a respectable man.
So it goes.
Thanks, Avoidant Personality Disorder, you're a dear, dear, friend.