It's the anniversary of ma dad's death today, he died due to cancer. :sad: Yet, ah feel almost the same way ah did when ah heard. Ma dad passed away at 3am, May 14th 2012, one of ma step-sister informed me. And ma reaction was pretty much this: :idontknow: Strange how the grief hits me now, eh? Am no sure why am griefing for him, really? Maybe it's because ah never knew ma dad. Even when he came back intae ma life, when ah was 15, I didnae know 'em! But ah still huv regrets, things that should've been said. Oddly enough, ah can still remember his 1st words to me when ah met him:
"Hey! Long time, no see..." (I laugh awkwardly at this, whilist in ma head thinkin': "
Aye, ah could say the same aboot you!")
Ah mean, ah don't huv the same, lovin' memories of ma dad as step-siblings probably do, overall. Since, tae me, ma dad was just this overbearin', physical intimidating Kenyan bloke, always like things his way, couldnae take
"No" for an answer. He'd see me at random, comin' and goin' as he pleased! Constantly pressuring me:
"When are you going to do this...?" (For example, visit the step-siblings whom I don't know... or he'd constantly whin on about me doing a university course in accounting - maths isn't ma strong point, by the way)
^ Though, ah've always wondered what
that step-family meetin' would've went like, ah imagine introducing maself:
"Hiya folks... Well, am the one he didnae give a f**k about, until it was too late. But better late than never, eh? But ye can call me Graeme..."
And am talkin' about a man who, -
if he had his way - would've named me
Abraham. Nothin' wrong with that in and of itself. Until... ye find out that yer dad's first name was Moses!
Nae kiddin'! So... obviously going for a Bibical reference, in there, eh? :sarcastic: Get it? Moses and Abraham? F**kin' great joke, innit? Aw, forget it! Though, ma white, Scottish mother, obviously saw sense and said:
"Eh? Dinnae be so f**kin' stupid! We're no callin' 'em that fur Christ sake!" <---- Only jokin', she didnae really say that. But I am grately ma dad's name choice is ma middle name, not ma first. Even if it is a bit of an awkward middle name tae huv when you've got a first name like Graeme? But anyway, ah digress...
Ah always felt like a constant disappointment tae ma dad since ah never live up tae his expectations. Since he always belittled me everytime. Creativity as an outlet was quote:
"A waste of time". But then, ah also think the fact ah huv cerebral palsy could've been the reason for ma dad's absence from ma life, since it's no easy raising a disabled child.
And the language barrier was also awkward, maybe that why we dinnae talk much? Ma dad speakin' English with an African accent - that in itself isn't funny. But then you've got me, right? Speakin' the Scots regional dialect quite fluently by the time ah was 8 years old.
Ach aye the noo, Jimmy! And aw that... Huvin' conversations entirely in Scots. Oh, aye, ah've got the lingo doon. That's funny! Mainly because the culture divide. Hilarious in retrospect, though. The only funny memory I have of ma dad. Since conversation with ma dad usually last a few minute. Due to social anxiety and an inability to understand each other dialect wise.
A conversation between me and ma dad usually went somethin' like:
My dad: "Hello, how's it going, how are you?
Me: Aye, awright. Eh, no bad, ataw... How's yersel'?
^ Am not even jokin', there! Then it was the usual belittling, snide comments from ma dad, underminded ma self-confidence like be kicked in ghoulies
* (*That's a slang term - primarly used when a man is hit the groin)