Post your random thoughts/feelings etc

Eristelle

Eristelle

Well-known member
MikeyC said:
I understand. I would rather not be aware of my surroundings, personally, because I don't want to hear people talking or anything like that. I'm in my own bubble and that's what I want. Having said that, your paranoia is normal because it's safer to know what's going on around you, especially as a girl.

At least you want to apologise, and that's awesome. That's something you shouldn't regret overthinking because it's a big step to take.
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I'm only in my own bubble when there isn't 20 cars passing by. Yes, but I can't stand this guy. I actually broke up with him. I cringe when I remember being 15 and with him. -_- the least I can do is apologize and be cordial.
 
Roman Legion

Roman Legion

Well-known member
Eristelle said:
I was forced to go home every time I talked to a counselor at school. Apparently when you feel suicidal people think you want to murder everyone. She wasn't really helpful either. I own a cellphone, but I use it as a computer, mostly. I absolutely hate talking on the phone because my mother would force me to answer it and I would screw up and sound awkward. Seems like she enjoys trying to scar me for life.

Online counselor probably sounds better than meeting one in real life though. I hope it goes well for you.
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The counselor I have online cannot provide an official medical diagnosis, only give me an idea of what I have and so on. I can't tell this one or the ones the military has some of my thoughs, or they report me to my unit and I get the boot.. As much as I'd like to get out, I don't want to be thrown out and I really need the money right now. When they ask me have I had thoughts of suicide or hurting anyone else I am really thinking "Uh, yeah.." but what I am basically forced to say for fear of what will happen for that moment of honesty is "Nope". At Fort Dix, NJ I wanted to shoot my squadleader because I was having anxiety issues, I was also physically injured and he was being an arsehole. Other times I simply contemplated the pros and cons of shooting myself. I don't think I want to do that or would act on it, but it has crossed my mind. But as soon as you give a slight hint at that thought, they report you. I think about going on post with my unit for three days and I consider skipping drill and staying home. I remember annual training (AT), I usually get out of them, but had to go to one (I have been in 4.5 years and have only been to one.) At that 2 week AT I got in trouble consistently for wandering off, not talking and someone got sick so they put me in a temporary leadership role because I was apparently next in line by date of rank.. I lost that leadership position in a matter of hours because I was not talking to others and kept wandering off to be alone.. Worst 2 weeks in my life. I foresee more arse chewing in my near future and that really bothers me. Sorry for going off on a tangent, just needed to get that out I guess..
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
Eristelle said:
I'm only in my own bubble when there isn't 20 cars passing by. Yes, but I can't stand this guy. I actually broke up with him. I cringe when I remember being 15 and with him. -_- the least I can do is apologize and be cordial.
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Apologising and being cordial is a sign of maturity and you should be proud of that. Sure, you hate him, but you don't want to be angry around him. I'm sure a lot of people regret some partners, even Mikey here, so don't fret about that.
 
Eristelle

Eristelle

Well-known member
Roman Legion said:
The counselor I have online cannot provide an official medical diagnosis, only give me an idea of what I have and so on. I can't tell this one or the ones the military has some of my thoughs, or they report me to my unit and I get the boot.. As much as I'd like to get out, I don't want to be thrown out and I really need the money right now. When they ask me have I had thoughts of suicide or hurting anyone else I am really thinking "Uh, yeah.." but what I am basically forced to say for fear of what will happen for that moment of honesty is "Nope". At Fort Dix, NJ I wanted to shoot my squadleader because I was having anxiety issues, I was also physically injured and he was being an arsehole. Other times I simply contemplated the pros and cons of shooting myself. I don't think I want to do that or would act on it, but it has crossed my mind. But as soon as you give a slight hint at that thought, they report you. I think about going on post with my unit for three days and I consider skipping drill and staying home. I remember annual training (AT), I usually get out of them, but had to go to one (I have been in 4.5 years and have only been to one.) At that 2 week AT I got in trouble consistently for wandering off, not talking and someone got sick so they put me in a temporary leadership role because I was apparently next in line by date of rank.. I lost that leadership position in a matter of hours because I was not talking to others and kept wandering off to be alone.. Worst 2 weeks in my life. I foresee more arse chewing in my near future and that really bothers me. Sorry for going off on a tangent, just needed to get that out I guess..
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It's cool. I guess I can understand why they usually go ballistic when you mention you feel suicidal. I don't know why, but, whenever I thought of shooting myself I would think of what if I miraculously survived but I suffered some serious brain injuries. Life would be way more miserable.

You wondering off and not talking to someone isn't particularly intentional. Then again I doubt explaining to the normal incompetent human about social Phobia will excuse it. You can only take so much Arse chewing... If I had to face that everyday it seriously wouldn't help my case of misanthrophy. :/
 
Eristelle

Eristelle

Well-known member
MikeyC said:
Apologising and being cordial is a sign of maturity and you should be proud of that. Sure, you hate him, but you don't want to be angry around him. I'm sure a lot of people regret some partners, even Mikey here, so don't fret about that.
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Wow. I never thought about that. I suppose I am growing up after all. Well, I suppose that takes some of the weight off. Maybe when I'm up to it, ill stop by during my self reflection walks.
 
Roman Legion

Roman Legion

Well-known member
Eristelle said:
It's cool. I guess I can understand why they usually go ballistic when you mention you feel suicidal. I don't know why, but, whenever I thought of shooting myself I would think of what if I miraculously survived but I suffered some serious brain injuries. Life would be way more miserable.

You wondering off and not talking to someone isn't particularly intentional. Then again I doubt explaining to the normal incompetent human about social Phobia will excuse it. You can only take so much Arse chewing... If I had to face that everyday it seriously wouldn't help my case of misanthrophy. :/
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I remember this one Sergeant who told me my problem was I thought entirely way too much. Neededing the money but having the foresight to see being full time military would not work, I went into the reserves. I was in the latrine once and had my rifle with me (No magazine or ammo) I put the (however dirty) barrel in my mouth to get a feel for it, and surviving it crossed my mind but every time I go on the range to shoot (Mainly the pistol range), I do wonder about doing it right then and there.. I have imagined myself on other (larger weapon ranges) just running out during a live fire.. They wouldn't understand it and would just report it. I tend to think of it simply as weighing every option. What got me through that 2 weeks of AT was sheer luck.. I was injured and got sick at the same time. But there is one master sergeant that always shouts at me for no real reason.. I was waiting for formation and everyone else was talking or on their cellphones, I was observing my surroundings as I always do and waiting to see people walk out for formation, only difference was I was listening to my Ipod.. Apparently that was wrong somehow and she started going on about different things.. I have to face this crap again in a few days, should I skip or should I go? If I skip there will be trouble, if I go there will be double.. (Yeah, referencing the Clash song..lol) It is complicated with more details, but I don't feel like explaining them here right now. I have even had the thought of being a vigilante like Charles Bronson in Deathwish.. lol Not all ideas, thoughts.. et cetera are acted upon, see.. :D

And yes, I am a major misanthrope too..
 
Eristelle

Eristelle

Well-known member
Roman Legion said:
I remember this one Sergeant who told me my problem was I thought entirely way too much. Neededing the money but having the foresight to see being full time military would not work, I went into the reserves. I was in the latrine once and had my rifle with me (No magazine or ammo) I put the (however dirty) barrel in my mouth to get a feel for it, and surviving it crossed my mind but every time I go on the range to shoot (Mainly the pistol range), I do wonder about doing it right then and there.. I have imagined myself on other (larger weapon ranges) just running out during a live fire.. They wouldn't understand it and would just report it. I tend to think of it simply as weighing every option. What got me through that 2 weeks of AT was sheer luck.. I was injured and got sick at the same time. But there is one master sergeant that always shouts at me for no real reason.. I was waiting for formation and everyone else was talking or on their cellphones, I was observing my surroundings as I always do and waiting to see people walk out for formation, only difference was I was listening to my Ipod.. Apparently that was wrong somehow and she started going on about different things.. I have to face this crap again in a few days, should I skip or should I go? If I skip there will be trouble, if I go there will be double.. (Yeah, referencing the Clash song..lol) It is complicated with more details, but I don't feel like explaining them here right now. I have even had the thought of being a vigilante like Charles Bronson in Deathwish.. lol Not all ideas, thoughts.. et cetera are acted upon, see.. :D

And yes, I am a major misanthrope too..
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And I thought I was the only one. If all ideas were acted upon, this world would cease to exist.
 
Roman Legion

Roman Legion

Well-known member
Eristelle said:
And I thought I was the only one. If all ideas were acted upon, this world would cease to exist.
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I often hope the world ends.. I don't believe it will in December, but I really hope so..

Eristelle said:
Thanks. My anxiety has finally faded away. It's 5:44 am over here. I can never seem to sleep because of my worries and reoccurring insomnia.
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Good to hear, I too have sleep issues that I can't figure out. I can't sleep at night, but sleep through the day and every few weeks for a week or two, I can sleep just fine during the night and I'm awake during the day.. Very odd sleep cycle I go through..
 
Eristelle

Eristelle

Well-known member
Roman Legion said:
I often hope the world ends.. I don't believe it will in December, but I really hope so..



Good to hear, I too have sleep issues that I can't figure out. I can't sleep at night, but sleep through the day and every few weeks for a week or two, I can sleep just fine during the night and I'm awake during the day.. Very odd sleep cycle I go through..
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I always sleep my days away. I can't believe May's around the corner.

I highly doubt that. If the rapture didn't happen last may, then people just enjoy pinning our demise to some random date. If the world ends, I'm moving to Mars. On a side note, the Mayan calendar does end this December. That doesn't necessarily mean it's the end of humanity though.
 
Roman Legion

Roman Legion

Well-known member
Eristelle said:
I always sleep my days away. I can't believe May's around the corner.

I highly doubt that. If the rapture didn't happen last may, then people just enjoy pinning our demise to some random date. If the world ends, I'm moving to Mars. On a side note, the Mayan calendar does end this December. That doesn't necessarily mean it's the end of humanity though.
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For your trip to Mars, here is a song for your trip.. :) I'll be going to Alpha Centauri..

David Bowie - Life On Mars? - YouTube
 
Falkor

Falkor

1
The undateables is a pretty interesting show. They help people, though it might not be that succesfull to everybody, but still, it's interesting for how the mindset through dating works, right? and how lifestyles can be, when people are really ''different''.
 
Phoenixx

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Photoshop and Illustrator are pissing me off this morning. I can't get anything to work right. >.< So I'm downloading a different program to see if it's any easier and better to work with. I really need to get this project done today. ::(:

Also, I skipped school today. Actually I chose to not go because the roads were horrible, and I still have a lot of work to get done. We just got a HUGE snowstorm. All the surrounding high schools and such are closed, and even some businesses, yet classes are still going on for college. My dad didn't even get home from work this morning until an hour late because the roads were so bad. Only in NY can we have 85 degree weather in spring, and then 2 weeks later get a huge snowstorm with 30 degree weather. :rolleyes: Doesn't make any sense.
 
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