online dating

[NP88]

Bleh, guess that explains the general nastiness of most guys I talk to, thanks for offering me an insight into the male mind. Anything about the twisty inner-workings of the female mind you want answered?

I do : How much attention do women generally want when your in a long term relationship with them? It seems like a game to me. From my experience if you give them too much they dont want it anymore and vice versa. Is there a fine line that needs to be balanced or do I just need to meet different women...

 

[Agent_Violet]

I do : How much attention do women generally want when your in a long term relationship with them? It seems like a game to me. From my experience if you give them too much they dont want it anymore and vice versa. Is there a fine line that needs to be balanced or do I just need to meet different women...

i don't think there's a set in stone answer to this.

i think our attention needs vary and i think women should stop expecting men to read our minds and figure out when we need extra attention and when we want less attention. why not just come out and say, "hey boyfriend...i need you." or "hey boyfriend...i need me right now...you're off the hook til tomorrow"

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

i don't think there's a set in stone answer to this.

i think our attention needs vary and i think women should stop expecting men to read our minds and figure out when we need extra attention and when we want less attention. why not just come out and say, "hey boyfriend...i need you." or "hey boyfriend...i need me right now...you're off the hook til tomorrow"

Women stop expecting men to read their minds... and pigs will be flying when?...

But I agree... I think it's true for both sexes tho. Too much attention to me is not enough space/being clingy. Opposite is explanatory. What ppl need to open communication and honesty as Violet says. On BOTH sides

 

[Silatuyok]

Okay. This is something that I'm quite comfortable admitting to having a lot of experience with. ::
First, I'll say that I met my current boyfriend on match.com, and we are going on two years now together, still disgustingly in love, completely compatible (so far so good), buying a house together in three days (!!!), and planning to marry eventually.
I will also say that my cousin met his wife of several years on the same site, and they now have something like 3.5 children together. They are a great match, as far as I can tell.
Also, my sister met her husband of six years on the same website, and they are still going strong.
So, it can work out for some people.
On the contrary, I know some awesome people who have tried online dating and got absolutely no results. No one would email them, and if they did end up meeting someone it never worked out. It's hard to say whether any one person will be successful or not.

I will say, however, that for me, it took a lot of time and practice, and a lot of heartache and frustration. It's hard to know how to go about it to get the best results. You can pick one person and focus on them and ignore everyone else, but then you run the risk of wasting your time on someone that you won't end up being compatible with at all.
You could try emailing and talking to a few people at the same time, and try dating each of them before you decide to focus on one (or none). But this can get overwhelming, especially for someone with SA.

I would recommend keeping the pre-meeting emails and online chatting and whatnot constrained to a brief time period. Maybe two or three weeks, tops, before you meet the person. You DO NOT want to waste any more time than that talking to someone you've never met, because so much depends on meeting face to face. I emailed a guy every day for three months, then drove to Kentucky to meet him, fully expecting to completely mesh with this guy, and it turned out we weren't right for each other at all.

As for advice on how to act when you do meet, well, you'll just have to do it and find out what works for you. When it comes to dating, I'm a big believer in trial and error. If you mess up with one date, don't sweat it---move on to the next date or the next guy or whatever, just don't get bogged down in thinking you messed up and the world is ending!
I will say that, even after meeting probably 20 different guys from online dating, I was still extremely nervous when I met my current boyfriend, and didn't know how to act normal. We went to a coffee shop and I sat across from him, asking him questions whenever he stopped talking. Fortunately he talks a lot, especially when he's nervous, so this method worked out for us. But I knew my face was twitching the whole time! So I would lean over the table with my chin cupped in my hand, partially covering my mouth so I could kind of hide the facial craziness. And when I sat back, I would kind of hold my coffee cup in front of my face, in front of my mouth like I was perpetually getting ready to take a drink.

The feedback that I've gotten from people I've dated is mostly that they thought I was completely uninterested in them when we met face to face. I would always be looking past the guy, or somewhere else in the room, because I was too nervous to look at them. This is a huge turnoff for most people, understandably so. Try your best to look them in the face, and smile, and not look like you want to go running out the door the first chance you get.

Overall, though, the best advice I can give is to give it a try, and don't give up if you run into a few losers. Use your best judgment and don't go out with someone who seems like a jerk. Intimacy isn't something that should even be mentioned until you've met each other in person (in my opinion). And most of all, don't build up your expectations of anyone before you meet them, because nobody is the same in real life as the image and personality that you can project onto them while you are talking online.

Good luck! Let me know if you have any questions!

 

[JamesSmith]

No, I haven't had any luck yet. I've been doing okcupid for about a year, and got on POF about 6 months ago.

I decided to give it a shot since I think it's hard to meet people (even without SA, but especially with SA). I'm not really happy with it so far. It seems like people are eager to exchange phone numbers and meet right away, which makes me uncomfortable.

How is that a bad thing? That's great news. People want to meet you.

I mean, this is how a lot of relationships begin. Phone numbers are exchanged, and you try to get the know the person, either over the phone or in person on a date. You have to talk to the person in person to really get to know them. From experience, being in person with anyone, a date, a friend, anyone.....is way better than talking to them online. Meeting someone in the flesh is how you truly connect with someone.

As for me, I haven't been nearly as fortunate as you. I have a giant problem, a decent amount of women look at my profile, and never message me. I haven't once had a woman ever message me and ask for my phone number or say she wanted to meet me in person. I'm thinking either there is something wrong with my profile, or women never make the first move. At least people are looking at my profile, but it's depressing how they never talk to me on there.


For me one of the benefits of online dating is you can talk to the person for awhile first to become somewhat comfortable before meeting.

Yeah, you can talk to them online to try to get to know some things about them. For somebody like you, this may be the way to go. I'd come out upfront, online, and straight up tell them immediately that this is the way that you roll. You must get to know you online before you meet in person. that way they don't keep asking for your number. If they don't want to do this, then block them....another beauty of the internet.

Also, usually before I meet somebody, I become extremely nervous...I can feel my voice shake (and get monotone) and I think my hands even shake. Any tips for at least hiding this?

Thank you [/QUOTE

I get nervous too. Even before job interviews, I get nervous. It never fails.

With this, you must look at the bright side. This guy is meeting you because he sees something he likes about you and is attracted to you. You will be walking into a meeting already ahead and among company that wants you there. It's a good spot to be in, to be wanted.

 

[MikeyC]

Bleh, guess that explains the general nastiness of most guys I talk to, thanks for offering me an insight into the male mind. Anything about the twisty inner-workings of the female mind you want answered?

Well, like I said, it's not every guy that does this, but historically men are seen as the "breadwinners" and can feel rather inadequate around a successful woman. If the guy was interested in you, that really shouldn't be a problem.

I don't like how we have to seem superior to women. It's very silly and something that shouldn't even be an issue in 2011.

I blame outdated social norms and, to a smaller extent, pornography for this.

Okay. This is something that I'm quite comfortable admitting to having a lot of experience with. ::

I won't quote your whole speech, but that was a great post. I'm glad it worked out for you, but it doesn't work for everybody.

I agree wholeheartedly that intimacy shouldn't be even in the equation until the two of you know each other somewhat. That could be detrimental, anyway.

All great advice, Sweet Marie.

 

[SM1010]

I'm a huge advocate of online dating.

It's a great way to get out of your comfort zone. I've met a lot of women in person through online dating.

Yah it's awkward, such is life. Feel the fear and do it anyway. I struggle approaching women in person so online dating is really the only way I meet women (I'm working on the approaching though!).

It's been a great experience.

EDIT: If you want to check my OkCupid profile for any ideas about what kind of stuff to include on your profile I might be willing to show you if you pm me. I've been doing the whole online dating thing for a while now so I think I've got my profile fairly well tuned.

 

[AsTimeBurns]

I signed up for a month on that eharmony one (cost about £40) and i'm on a free one as well. Seems fairly pointless though, you message lots of people and just get no responses at all. I never know what o say either really. But from my experience, if they bother to read the message at all, they then view the profile of mine to see what i look like/am like and then don't respond. -.-

 

[Generical]

I started a profile on a few to see what they were like and was just so happening to be looking for a car at the same time....strangely similar websites. Within 30 miles, black hair, i dunno sporty? lol. Just seemed really weird.

But i went into it cynically so there wasn't much chance for it. It definitely can work.

 

[thor01]

Ive been trying it for a while. With no luck in actually getting what I'd like. And that isn't a big long term "realtionship", because I haven't even STARTED in terms of females. And have no experience.

At times it desn't bother me so much, but then when I get into it more and my desire ges up, at times it just makes me feel worse. Browsing though so many profiles knowing that they're not interested in you haha. (Andyes Ive tried messaging lots of times, Im not just saying that)

And I know people have the right to not reply. And that I should feel fully comfortable just with myself, and not HAVE to get anything out of this. But I just fnd so many on there quite unconsiderate, with very little empathy for someone elses situation. I mean, I have my own strong ideas on things. But I'd like it if peope who have no problem getting what they want out of it would give me some advice, weather I agreed with it or not. Otherwise it just kind of leads me to think theres something wrng with me alltogeter (in their eyes) that puts them off.

On one that I have been on for "ages", it tells you when people alter their profie info, and it showed that one had said under where in the profile it says "You should messae me if", to which under it you write your answer, and they'd put "If you've never gone had to see a therapist". And that just.......I can't find the words to explain how that annoys/makes me feel bad hah.

I feel left behind sometimes. Like to "most" people getting somethng out of it is easy aha.

If anyone relates to this I'd like to hear from you. Its bothering me abit today! hah.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

only meet someone your really really interested not just sorta and the site doesn't matter just don't use a really unknown site.... i had one great relationship for those so it's not hopeless but usuaully theyre players if they you met they you from online it's just how it seemed :s the great relationship was good until he ultimely went back to the site to keep looking and then when he met someone from school he deleted his account online so i would just wait till you find someone around you unless youre impatient lol it just works better

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

And I know people have the right to not reply. And that I should feel fully comfortable just with myself, and not HAVE to get anything out of this. But I just fnd so many on there quite unconsiderate, with very little empathy for someone elses situation. I mean, I have my own strong ideas on things. But I'd like it if peope who have no problem getting what they want out of it would give me some advice, weather I agreed with it or not. Otherwise it just kind of leads me to think theres something wrng with me alltogeter (in their eyes) that puts them off.

You're probably already aware that women get tons more messages than guys do, period. Are you also aware that most of the messages they get have little or no thought put into them, show that they haven't even read the girl's profile, and are often obviously the same thing they sent to a bunch of other girls? On top of that, they receive a lot of messages that are just rude, obnoxious, or inappropriate. Getting a message with a picture of some strange guy's peener is not entirely uncommon. Women get jaded and cynical when going to their inbox.

Also, while it would seem the decent and polite thing to reply with something like 'thanks for the message, but I don't think we'd make a good match', quite a few guys will respond to that with anger or demands of explanations--or worse, see any response as an indication to keep after her.

Basically, there's a substantial population of dicks out there that make it all harder than it needs to be for everyone.

and they'd put "If you've never gone had to see a therapist". And that just.......I can't find the words to explain how that annoys/makes me feel bad hah.

Oh, I've seen plenty similar and even worse. I see it as a good thing--there will always crappy people out there, and it's nice to know up front which ones to stay away from.

I've had some success with dating sites. I'd hardly say I have no problem getting what I want there. Does anyone, really? ::

All I can think to tell you is that to get anything, you have to be able to chew on a lot of rejection and other depressing crap. It's hard not to take personally, but you have to. Look at it this way--you aren't really your profile. It's hard for anyone to really represent themselves well, and a lot of it on dating sites boils down to pictures and numbers and other superficial things. It's a fairly brutal environment, much worse than if you were getting to know any of the girls on there as a neighbor or in some other in-person situation.

 

[antihistamine]

Bleh, guess that explains the general nastiness of most guys I talk to, thanks for offering me an insight into the male mind. Anything about the twisty inner-workings of the female mind you want answered?[/QUOTE]

Yeah everything please!! I'm yet to understand women fully but maybe I'm not supposed to.

 

[thor01]

You're probably already aware that women get tons more messages than guys do, period. Are you also aware that most of the messages they get have little or no thought put into them, show that they haven't even read the girl's profile, and are often obviously the same thing they sent to a bunch of other girls? On top of that, they receive a lot of messages that are just rude, obnoxious, or inappropriate. Getting a message with a picture of some strange guy's peener is not entirely uncommon. Women get jaded and cynical when going to their inbox.

Also, while it would seem the decent and polite thing to reply with something like 'thanks for the message, but I don't think we'd make a good match', quite a few guys will respond to that with anger or demands of explanations--or worse, see any response as an indication to keep after her.

Basically, there's a substantial population of dicks out there that make it all harder than it needs to be for everyone.

Oh, I've seen plenty similar and even worse. I see it as a good thing--there will always crappy people out there, and it's nice to know up front which ones to stay away from.

I've had some success with dating sites. I'd hardly say I have no problem getting what I want there. Does anyone, really? ::

All I can think to tell you is that to get anything, you have to be able to chew on a lot of rejection and other depressing crap. It's hard not to take personally, but you have to. Look at it this way--you aren't really your profile. It's hard for anyone to really represent themselves well, and a lot of it on dating sites boils down to pictures and numbers and other superficial things. It's a fairly brutal environment, much worse than if you were getting to know any of the girls on there as a neighbor or in some other in-person situation.

Thanks for the input!

Yeah, I know that idiots will do that. An its very understandable how they will get like that. But my messages are never like those and alwas obviously have some thought put in! So I guess it makes me wonder why they don't reply to mine over those idiot ones haha. And what it taks to actually do one that they'll reply to hah.

And it makes me think alot about why it is how it is haha. Why is is that way that girls get loads without tying (generaly), and guys (although sometimes I get the feeling that others don't have any problem hah), or atleast myself have to go through alot, only to not get anywhere. I'm not trying to complain about that.

I guess the frustrating thing sometimes, is knowing that you're not an idiot like so many on there, that you would treat girls nicley, and are honest and just want to experience intimacy, but yet feel invisible in that way that, if no one else knows this, it is baically just you who know it. This isn't a bad thing. But when you want to experience something with a female at some point its I guess abit....not so nice haha. Feeling like you don't have a voice among many idiots haha.

But I know I shouldnt have any expectations out of it really. It just gets more frustrating at certain times I guess. As I'm sure everyone has these needs.

 

[Felgen]

Most of the girls on these sites are either unattractive or emotionally unstable. To avoid the former, be aware of the infamous "MySpace angles".

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I guess the frustrating thing sometimes, is knowing that you're not an idiot like so many on there, that you would treat girls nicley, and are honest and just want to experience intimacy, but yet feel invisible in that way that, if no one else knows this, it is baically just you who know it.

It's not enough just to not be an idiot, though. As you've said, you don't really have any experience. It takes experience to learn how to talk to women. Heck, to learn anything about women. The key is to keep at it.

I don't know what you're doing wrong exactly, but I'll bet there are plenty of women on SPW who could give you pointers if you did something like post a message you've sent to a girl.

 

[anxiety1408]

tried it , never had luck with it, it sucks ::

 

[Pookah]

Most of the girls on these sites are either unattractive or emotionally unstable. To avoid the former, be aware of the infamous "MySpace angles".

Ugly girls need love too.

 

[thor01]

It's not enough just to not be an idiot, though. As you've said, you don't really have any experience. It takes experience to learn how to talk to women. Heck, to learn anything about women. The key is to keep at it.

I don't know what you're doing wrong exactly, but I'll bet there are plenty of women on SPW who could give you pointers if you did something like post a message you've sent to a girl.

Yes. Well I guess it shows there must be a big diffrence between what women expect in order to get them interested, and what I would? hah.

I usualay put myself into messages. Of course not all aspects of me at all times. I'm just honest I guess. But I think its pretty clear (usualy) that if they were to reply, I'd have something to say and that I'm pretty different. Although I feel most are sort of brainwashed into sort of wanting people who say certain things/act a certain way. But I might be wrong.

I just personally don't know what it is that they want to see that I don't have hah.

One time recently, I atually got messaged very briefly (only something like "just thought I'd stop by to say hello", by a girl I actually quite liked the look of! Which was a shock in itself! But of course after I replied, after about 2 or 3 messages later, she seemed to completley loose interest. And when I carried on, her responses were one liners, and clearley no interest haha.
And although I wasn't shocked by that because it was was too good to be true, its annoying that that kind of thing SO rarley happens you don't feel there'll be another chance hah.

Yeah, I feel abi left out of it all at times when it gets to me hah. Like you need some "secret" hah, or something. Oh well!

But anyway I don't wan't to complain here as I'm sure there are other people in the same boat as someone above said they were.

Yes maybe thats agood idea about the messages. But I don't know if any would be bothered and I wouldnt want to waste anyones time haha.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

But I don't know if any would be bohered and I wouldnt want to waste anyones time haha.

You could make a thread about it. You might be surprised, and what do you have to lose?

From what you said above maybe you're saying too much too soon; not being casual enough, maybe. That's just a guess.