online dating

[Emma03]

I was wondering if anybody has had luck with an online dating site?

I decided to give it a shot since I think it's hard to meet people (even without SA, but especially with SA). I'm not really happy with it so far. It seems like people are eager to exchange phone numbers and meet right away, which makes me uncomfortable. For me one of the benefits of online dating is you can talk to the person for awhile first to become somewhat comfortable before meeting.

Also, usually before I meet somebody, I become extremely nervous...I can feel my voice shake (and get monotone) and I think my hands even shake. Any tips for at least hiding this?

Thank you

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Nope. No luck thus far. The longest online relationship I've had was about a year and a half until it ended quite terribly. I've never met up with any of the guys I dated and honestly wouldn't think to meet up with them in person out of shyness/anxiety or obsession that they might turn out to be a serial killer/rapist and bring upon me some sort of impending doom. Not to discourage you or anything. I mean, online dating is quite a touchy subject as it poses various hazards. You never truly know who you're coming in contact with until you finally see them in person, and when that time finally comes the results might turn out to be quite the opposite of what you expect. Just food for thought.

 

[MikeyC]

I've never met up with any of the guys I dated and honestly wouldn't think to meet up with them in person out of shyness/anxiety or obsession that they might turn out to be a serial killer/rapist and bring upon me some sort of impending doom. Not to discourage you or anything. I mean, online dating is quite a touchy subject as it poses various hazards. You never truly know who you're coming in contact with until you finally see them in person, and when that time finally comes the results might turn out to be quite the opposite of what you expect. Just food for thought.

I couldn't agree more on this. While online dating has its advantages, horror stories can happen to unsuspecting people, so you've got to be on your wits all the time.

I know someone who met his current girlfriend over a dating website, and they're very happy together. In fact, she's in her 40's and absolutely gorgeous, so he got lucky! Another friend of mine dated someone in America for six years and never met! They broke it off a couple of years ago now but I thought that was staggering.

In your case, Emma, if you're too nervous meeting people, online dating is probably your best option but maybe you'll still be anxious when it comes time to meet, even if you get to know them online first. I have no experience with online dating and I have no desire to try it, but that's the impression I get from what you said.

Sorry if I rambled a little bit.

 

[NP88]

Ive thought about it. Browsed the websites... I just dont think anyone would be interested in someone like me. Not many people can understand why I practically don't leave the house and have little motivation in life. No one would want the burden of being with me. I digress though. If you can handle it, I think it's a great opportunity. Not quite the same but someone I know met his wife on an online game. The internet is full of possibilities for starting relationships I suppose.

 

[Kiwong]

Some dating sites are really only keen for your money.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

I tried it with the only free site I could find. I don't really know how I feel about the time I was on it. I told people about it and I felt like I was judged at some level about it, but that could just be my thoughts doing what they do.

I kept talking to a few girls on the messaging feature, but a lot of them were dead end. But there was one girl I got along with really well and we kept exchanging messages and kind of quickly decided to meet, looking back on it. I talked about this on another thread briefly. I was expecting a relationship and she ended up getting back together with her old boyfriend after the night we met.

I ended up deleting my file after that, but that was more because of potential judgements...

I actually think you could meet someone you like, you just have to be careful. I don't regret the experience, but I'm not sure I'm better off because of it. That's about the best I can do right now. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

 

[lisalove22]

Did you guys see my latest post? I wrote about a new website called MapOfMates.com, its more like a Facebook for us but it has some dating features.

 

[Lunar Llama]

I have much the same difficulties with dating, whether just meeting peope in person or on the Internet. SA makes it so difficult to actually get to know guys I meet. I had a really bad experience with my first, and only, boyfriend, which has made it really difficult for me to let my guard down around guys. When I do come across a guy I like, I can't formulate coherent sentences, sweat crazily, my heart races, and I turn bright red. So even if they like me back, I become so self conscious that I end up avoiding cute guys. Then I don't get sickeningly anxious, but neither do I let myself connect with anyone.

I was a member of a dating site that frequently advertises as being all about compatibility, and had next to no luck. The few guys I were semi-interested in wanted to meet in person almost immediately, making my SA flare up so badly I ended up just canceling my (pricey) subscription. I also noticed many guys on the site weren't interested in a long term relationship, which is all I want. I can barely leave my apartment some days, I'm in no way looking for a fling!

It seems like social anxiety stymies me every time I try to let someone in and sounds like a lot of y'all are in the same boat. There should be a dating service exclusively for people with SA!

 

[Ms Cloud]

The few guys I were semi-interested in wanted to meet in person almost immediately, making my SA flare up so badly I ended up just canceling my (pricey) subscription. I also noticed many guys on the site weren't interested in a long term relationship, which is all I want. I can barely leave my apartment some days, I'm in no way looking for a fling!

That's the problem right there. There's an underlying assumption that if you go on a dating website, it's because you're desperate for casual sex of any description. In my experience, men will humor you for a certain amount of time (pretending to be interested in what you have to say, etc) but after that they start expecting a payoff. And they get mighty peeved if you don't provide one. I've had men actually say to me, "why did you respond to my messages then, if you didn't want us to get together?" They act like you've been wasting their precious time, being a tease, and so on. I developed quite a complex from talking to men on dating sites. It made me feel like a poor excuse for a female, just because I'm not into casual sex. Fortunately I got over it, but I don't like the idea of that happening to other girls.

If you're a girl and you're not interested in casual sex, don't let anyone make you feel inadequate, or put pressure on you, or make you feel like you're under some obligation towards them because they were "nice" to you. The hell with that.

I was expecting a relationship and she ended up getting back together with her old boyfriend after the night we met.

Yeah... men also have to watch out. I think a lot of women on dating sites are on the rebound. They may only be looking for a boost in self-esteem, which they can get from the first nice guy who gives them some flattery. And if you restore their confidence, there's always a chance they'll use it to go back and try again with whoever they're still in love with.

I don't know how common this really is, it just seems common from what I've heard.

 

[Lunar Llama]

That's the problem right there. There's an underlying assumption that if you go on a dating website, it's because you're desperate for casual sex of any description. In my experience, men will humor you for a certain amount of time (pretending to be interested in what you have to say, etc) but after that they start expecting a payoff. And they get mighty peeved if you don't provide one. I've had men actually say to me, "why did you respond to my messages then, if you didn't want us to get together?" They act like you've been wasting their precious time, being a tease, and so on. I developed quite a complex from talking to men on dating sites. It made me feel like a poor excuse for a female, just because I'm not into casual sex. Fortunately I got over it, but I don't like the idea of that happening to other girls.

If you're a girl and you're not interested in casual sex, don't let anyone make you feel inadequate, or put pressure on you, or make you feel like you're under some obligation towards them because they were "nice" to you. The hell with that.

Thank you! That is exactly what happened to me. The one guy on the site I thought was actually interested in me turned out to only want me to send him dirty pictures and what not. It's hard not to develop a complex about casual sex when it feels like you're bombarded from every angle that to be a good woman, you have to be into casual sex. I think most people who have this problem would agree that it's not so much an aversion to sex, although I'll freely admit to being rather phobic of being so close to someone, that presents such a problem but wanting there to be a commitment behind the sexing. What do y'all think?

On a side note, for those of y'all who are girls feel like it's becoming more and more expected that we're supposed to be the forward ones?

 

[Hamelech]

Not a bad idea in principle, but it should be remembered that lying in a online dating site is obviously easier than IRL.

 

[Ms Cloud]

Thank you! That is exactly what happened to me. The one guy on the site I thought was actually interested in me turned out to only want me to send him dirty pictures and what not.

Ugh!! That is SO common... thanks for bringing it up. I was naive, way back when... being inexperienced with men, I didn't know what to think about this. Now I do know: it's just gross, that's all. Avoid those people like the plague.

It's hard not to develop a complex about casual sex when it feels like you're bombarded from every angle that to be a good woman, you have to be into casual sex.

Exactly. It takes strength to resist the never-ending stream of messages out there. Those messages are designed to make us think there's something wrong with us if we're not horny all the time. Like, oh I'll never be able to attract or keep a man if I'm not willing to get down and dirty like a porn star.

Well, it's true that we'll never attract men who think that pornography is the standard for female excellence. But would we want to? LOL

On a side note, for those of y'all who are girls feel like it's becoming more and more expected that we're supposed to be the forward ones?

Yes, that's part of the message; telling us we have to win the approval of men by being more sexually demonstrative than the competition.

Again I say, if a girl wants to compete for the attention of perverts, then she should go ahead and throw her panties at them. It's not a game I care to play, however. The prize is not worth the effort!

 

[Lunar Llama]

Thanks Ms Cloud, it's comforting to hear that other girls out there feel the same way as I do about this issue. I was naive too when I went on that website and ended up doing things that I now regret.

Is it seriously so hard for some guys to see us as more than sex objects? I'm a geology major, but people are always so surprised to learn that I'm a science major. It feels like they take one look at me and write me off, like there's no way I could actually be more than a pretty face. And when most guys learn about my fierce interest in science, they immediately start making demeaning, super critical comments about me. Do y'all think this is low self-esteem on their parts that makes it so hard for them to accept that a semi-attractive female can also be intelligent? Does a smart, pretty woman really pose such a threat to a guy's sense of worth and masculinity?

 

[coyote]

i like smart girls

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

Thank you! That is exactly what happened to me. The one guy on the site I thought was actually interested in me turned out to only want me to send him dirty pictures and what not.

You should have told him you had some really dirty pictures, if he was sure he could handle them. Once he's got himself all excited, you find some suitably old and rotting garbage and take a few photos.

 

[Lunar Llama]

i like smart girls

Well thank god one of you exists! Why don't you live in Texas?! Although, I guess I don't give guys a chance to really get to know me. I probably come across as rather dull, seeing as how I can barely talk around guys.

Do you find that you SP goes into over-drive around girls you're interested in?

 

[MikeyC]

Ugh!! That is SO common... thanks for bringing it up. I was naive, way back when... being inexperienced with men, I didn't know what to think about this. Now I do know: it's just gross, that's all. Avoid those people like the plague.

Exactly. It takes strength to resist the never-ending stream of messages out there. Those messages are designed to make us think there's something wrong with us if we're not horny all the time. Like, oh I'll never be able to attract or keep a man if I'm not willing to get down and dirty like a porn star.

Well, it's true that we'll never attract men who think that pornography is the standard for female excellence. But would we want to? LOL

Yes, that's part of the message; telling us we have to win the approval of men by being more sexually demonstrative than the competition.

Again I say, if a girl wants to compete for the attention of perverts, then she should go ahead and throw her panties at them. It's not a game I care to play, however. The prize is not worth the effort!

While this is not true for every guy in existence, you are essentially right. Great post.

Do y'all think this is low self-esteem on their parts that makes it so hard for them to accept that a semi-attractive female can also be intelligent? Does a smart, pretty woman really pose such a threat to a guy's sense of worth and masculinity?

Coming from a guy, we generally don't like to be outdone by females. And yes, we'll discover you're majoring in science and think, "well, she's really smart. Why would she want me?" It's a stupid alpha-male way of thinking, and I'm not a fan of it.

Again, not all guys are like this, but I find that's the majority.

 

[Lunar Llama]

Coming from a guy, we generally don't like to be outdone by females. And yes, we'll discover you're majoring in science and think, "well, she's really smart. Why would she want me?" It's a stupid alpha-male way of thinking, and I'm not a fan of it.

Again, not all guys are like this, but I find that's the majority.

Bleh, guess that explains the general nastiness of most guys I talk to, thanks for offering me an insight into the male mind. Anything about the twisty inner-workings of the female mind you want answered?

 

[coyote]

Do you find that you SP goes into over-drive around girls you're interested in?

not until the flirting leads me to believe she'd like me to pursue things further

then i tend to get a little frightened

mostly that my girlfriend will find out

 

[Lunar Llama]

not until the flirting leads me to believe she'd like me to pursue things further

then i tend to get a little frightened

mostly that my girlfriend will find out

-snort- You should probably watch out for that cause if you make it a habit to get your flirt on with other girls, your girlfriend is bound to find out about it. Seriously, some of us have a sixth sense for stuff like that.