online dating

[OceanMist]

The woman i was dating (or am? I still don't even know because it's so messed up now) really bugged me with the way she has played our dating. We dated once a weekend for 3 weekends which is taking it pretty casual, then she turns down my invitation for a fourth date the next weekend because she's too busy? Then she ignores me the 5th week. I didn't call the 5th week but I figured she knew she was a due for the initiation of the date.

That's all she'd talk about is how she's so busy. It wasn't just that but she waited until Friday to return a phone message I gave her on a Wednesday. The reason I'm depressed and bothered is because it seemed like we connected on our dates, and now all the sudden she doesn't want to talk to me for two weeks. It doesn't make any sense. If anything, our dating should be increasing, not decreasing.

Yes, she does have a busy life, but people are awake for like 16 hours a day. You can't tell me someone is so busy that two full weeks of stuff they have to do takes a priority over the man they have been dating for 3 times. She doesn't have kids and she didn't go on vacation. It seems like she may be trying to get rid of me. It's either that or she has me at the bottom of her priority list. Either way, I'm not liking it.

What's insane is I'm not one of those clingy people. I've been anything but clingy and have given her plenty of space, too much actually I think. I've never sent two messages in a row without a response. I've been very patient and calm. I plan on remaining that way but I also want to be heard, if I even get that chance. She may just end our dating through a text message, I wouldn't be surprised.

Who knows, maybe she is still into me and has an extremely passive way of showing it. Judging from her actions, I doubt it.

Anyway, I texted her tonight and asked if she wanted to meet on Friday at a bar like last time. We'll see what she says. I wonder if I'll have to wait 3 days this time for a response, lol. I'm mad because nobody is as busy as she is acting like.

 

[SM1010]

Alright man I'm going to go ahead and give my analysis of the situation:

The good is that is sounds like she was pretty interested in you at one point. Women don't just go out with men from dating sites 3 times if they're not interested.

The bad news is it sounds to me like she has lost interest.

Have you made any of kind of move on her? Kissed her or anything? If you haven't, that's probably why she's lost interest. Women are turned off by passiveness, I know this because it's happened to me over and over.

Unfortunately, we don't get an infinite amount of dates to gather the courage to make a move. Whether we like it or not guys are usually expected to make the moves, and if we don't she'll move on to some guy that will.

That's my guess as to what's happened.

 

[HeadFace]

Anyone have any experience with dating people not from a dating site - but elsewhere on the internet? I guess it's less likely, because in that scenario distance varies a lot.

 

[MikeyC]

Anyone have any experience with dating people not from a dating site - but elsewhere on the internet? I guess it's less likely, because in that scenario distance varies a lot.

My brother met someone on MySpace and is still with her today.

 

[Kat]

I think it’s worth a try I would be a bit dubious about online dating sites and what type of people it would attract, it wouldn’t hurt to get a background check done on the person.

 

[HeadFace]

Nice one @ Markey.

I met a girl online once, we hit it off really well. And it turned out she lived right by me. Meeting up was pretty cool, even though we only did it a few times.
We were only together for a few monthes though.

 

[OceanMist]

Alright man I'm going to go ahead and give my analysis of the situation:

The good is that is sounds like she was pretty interested in you at one point. Women don't just go out with men from dating sites 3 times if they're not interested.

The bad news is it sounds to me like she has lost interest.

Have you made any of kind of move on her? Kissed her or anything? If you haven't, that's probably why she's lost interest. Women are turned off by passiveness, I know this because it's happened to me over and over.

Unfortunately, we don't get an infinite amount of dates to gather the courage to make a move. Whether we like it or not guys are usually expected to make the moves, and if we don't she'll move on to some guy that will.

That's my guess as to what's happened.

I was thinking the exact same thing as your post. This is the most likely scenario.

I still want closure. I want to confirm that this was the reason why.

 

[SM1010]

If you want closure just ask her if that was the reason she lost interest. But keep in mind that if she is still attracted to you, you'll completely kill all of that remaining interest by asking her that question. So if you're holding onto hope that you'll get another shot with her, definitely don't ask.

Either way you gotta take this as a learning experience. If you like a girl, and she likes you, you have to be able to muster the courage to make a move on her. She won't wait forever for you and she will lose interest if you don't. Doesn't have to be on the first date, but you have to consider it from the 2nd date onward.

All women are different, some might lose interest if you don't make a move by the 2nd date. Some might not lose interest until the 4th or 5th date. Hell, some might even ask you why you haven't made a move if they really like you. But in most cases, passiveness in regards to making moves on women will end badly. You have to be aware of this and try to recognize her signals. If she's touching you, smiling, and laughing a lot she's definitely into you and you gotta be able to make that move.

 

[SM1010]

Ugh, sorry double post.

 

[OceanMist]

If you want closure just ask her if that was the reason she lost interest. But keep in mind that if she is still attracted to you, you'll completely kill all of that remaining interest by asking her that question. So if you're holding onto hope that you'll get another shot with her, definitely don't ask.

Either way you gotta take this as a learning experience. If you like a girl, and she likes you, you have to be able to muster the courage to make a move on her. She won't wait forever for you and she will lose interest if you don't. Doesn't have to be on the first date, but you have to consider it from the 2nd date onward.

All women are different, some might lose interest if you don't make a move by the 2nd date. Some might not lose interest until the 4th or 5th date. Hell, some might even ask you why you haven't made a move if they really like you. But in most cases, passiveness in regards to making moves on women will end badly. You have to be aware of this and try to recognize her signals. If she's touching you, smiling, and laughing a lot she's definitely into you and you gotta be able to make that move.

That's some perceptive stuff. I agree with it all.

I had like 4 long paragraphs I wrote in a response and then my internet goes dead, what a pain. So I'll try to shorten up what I wrote.

I am not attracted to her face or hair. Her face looks likes like a withered old woman and her hair looks old too. It looks gray, almost, which is weird because she's 26 years old.

Her body is normal sized, and I'm okay with that.

The point is that there are things about her I wasn't attracted to, and they may have played a role in my passiveness on trying to kiss her. I have thought about that, and when I pictured her being a physically attractive woman instead, I actually had way more desire to kiss her.

So it wasn't her personality or body, it's her face that i'm not attracted to. Some may say so that's it, her face is the only problem? Well, face, head and hair are important for physical attraction. It's what we have to look at all the time when we talk to them, so it definitely matters.

Sure, lack of courage may have played a role in my failure to kiss her. So did the fact that I wasn't very physically attracted to her.

So, when you asked me if we liked eachother, I'm not sure if I even like her intimately. Maybe her and I separating ways isn't the worst thing.

 

[new account]

I have a plan that can make anyone love you.

If you are attracted to someone, you must use advanced logic to get them to like you back. You must drop a coin so they will be kind and pick it up for you, and then you will say to them "have we met somewhere? Maybe in another life. I feel something in the air that tells me we've met before. We were probably friends in our past lives, so why don't you come and visit me so we might remember our friendship?" This plan has been used since the time of the mayans and it worked every time. The person will then instantly love you and they will not even be close to death.

 

[SM1010]

Sure, lack of courage may have played a role in my failure to kiss her. So did the fact that I wasn't very physically attracted to her.

So, when you asked me if we liked eachother, I'm not sure if I even like her intimately. Maybe her and I separating ways isn't the worst thing.

I feel you. Interest level has to be really high for me to want to make a move.

But if your interest level isn't very high I'm not sure what you're stressing about? You went on three dates with her, that's great practice. You put yourself knowingly into 3 situations that probably made you feel awkward and stressed.

That would be exposure therapy. You mark that down as win for sure, and move on. You see what you're doing here?

You're killing multiple birds with one stone. You're meeting women, putting yourself into stressful situations, and getting great dating practice. This is exactly why online dating can be great for people with SA.

 

[mikebird]

Recommended, over not bothering.

Rather than just a website, with hidden and outrageous charges, find new people by using Skype. NOT Facebook - sad marketing.

Find people in your city, or a bigger city not far away, eg. London for me.

I found a lot. Had a lot of fun, and a way to join families, ie. Xmas celebration, and more new people.

The downside is that such friendships don't last forever, but a summer together, between a few weeks, or 6 months. Be ready for disappointment... denial, as with a temp job ending. Can restart occasionally.

Girlfriends: hot on the hunt after my early seperations and singleness; now Thai, Italian, S.African, Turkish, Malaysian, and those who meet locally, then emigrating to Dubai for work, and now she's in San Francisco... Skype gets you together

 

[OceanMist]

I feel you. Interest level has to be really high for me to want to make a move.

But if your interest level isn't very high I'm not sure what you're stressing about? You went on three dates with her, that's great practice. You put yourself knowingly into 3 situations that probably made you feel awkward and stressed.

That would be exposure therapy. You mark that down as win for sure, and move on. You see what you're doing here?

You're killing multiple birds with one stone. You're meeting women, putting yourself into stressful situations, and getting great dating practice. This is exactly why online dating can be great for people with SA.

Yes, you are right about all of that. I stepped up to the plate and I should be pleased that I challenged myself and succeeded to a certain extent.

Why does it bother me that she doesn't like me? I think it's because I have nobody else in my life and that was only personal relationship I had or have going right now.

Technically I have friends, but haven't seen them for years so that woman is the only real friend I have. And I felt we connected, so her rejecting me feels like the only personal friend I have in my life rejecting me, which it is.

If she does reject me for good, then I'm back where I started. True, I'll have more experience, but I'll be alone all the time again. It's a personal problem for me.

It's not just that, but the three women I've dated all rejected me quickly. I'm frustrated because I can't seem to get in a healthy relationship that lasts at least 3 months.

I feel like there is something wrong with me. The last two women I've dated, neither of them even saw me for more than 6 hours in real life and showed me the door.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I have a plan that can make anyone love you.

If you are attracted to someone, you must use advanced logic to get them to like you back. You must drop a coin so they will be kind and pick it up for you, and then you will say to them "have we met somewhere? Maybe in another life. I feel something in the air that tells me we've met before. We were probably friends in our past lives, so why don't you come and visit me so we might remember our friendship?" This plan has been used since the time of the mayans and it worked every time. The person will then instantly love you and they will not even be close to death.

Wouldn't a good old-fashioned love potion, purchased from your local olde crone do the job just as well?

 

[Necrucifer]

I tried off and on but no matter if i sign up for like 10 different sites its either pay or you cant read or send messages or I get a scammer that I have to tell off its funny when they ask how my income is and I say I am unemployed LOL that or I do not get any real people wanting to talk to me or reply to me seems like people hate me as much onine as offline? idk lol.

 

[Feathers]

Neco, you don't tell people you're 'unemployed', it sounds better if you say 'between jobs' or something, or 'working on some xyz projects' (xyz projects being something you're really working on - eg your music or art classes or whatever!!)
Yeah, 'unemployed' can end things quickly, especially if the person has a job and 'traditional' interests/views on life...
If they're in financial troubles and looking for someone with money, it's better if they end things quickly, no? You can meet others then...

OceanMist, if you met those women on a dating site, do you have 'friends' as one of the options ticked? Because you might want them as friends while they might want a prince who adores them and feels attracted to them??
It may just be a 'mis-alignement' of expectations!!

A girl can 'feel' if a guy is really attracted or not (though with shy guys that may be a bit more difficult, but even shy guys can brave up if there's a connection!!) So, just check other girls - and maybe meet up with some group as friends, on meet-up or something? It's easier if you're seeing or at least friends with other people!!

 

[emre43]

Why do so many girls, of my age, (22) on dating sites want men between the age of 25 and 30?

 

[OceanMist]

Why do so many girls, of my age, (22) on dating sites want men between the age of 25 and 30?

Social maturity and money is the simple answer to your question.

Not to say a 22 year old can't be socially mature or rich......

 

[MikeyC]

Why do so many girls, of my age, (22) on dating sites want men between the age of 25 and 30?

Girls generally like older blokes. Not all the time, but generally.