How are you feeling?

I am very sorry Greaeme, i hope you have good memories of him, tho painful, those helped me with my losses. I remember them with a smile because I'm glad that they were part of my life and were so lucky as to meet them. Those memories together, what they taught me (you can learn almost something from everyone)...make them somehow a part of me now.

But I know it hurts a lot at first so if you want to talk we're here (even DM if you want :) )

Again, I'm sorry Graeme
My condolences Graeme, loss is always shitty
condolences Graeme, for the loss of you Uncle.
Thanks everyone.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Feeling a bit low today. Life is so complicated. I've got so much going on in my mind that I can't make sense of.

I don't understand other people, and what my responsibilities are to them. I think my attitude has gone wrong somewhere. I've been becoming more and more reluctant to be nice to people in case they exploit my niceness or decide that they like me and want to be friends with me, and then I have to turn them down because I'm so protective over my own space and I always feel like such a monstrous jerk whenever I turn people away. So I'm starting to figure that it's better to keep people at a distance from the outset. Usually by ignoring them altogether, though I can sense a part of me would even be prepared to be horrible to a person in order to keep them away from me. That's messed up, isn't it?

I feel like there are so few people on the planet who I feel like I'm on a similar enough wavelength with that I'm willing to let them into my life. With most people I just feel like I'm being polite. But is that my problem? Maybe I'm being too snobbish? I guess it's all a balance. The happier I am alone, the less desperate I'll be for companionship, and therefore the pickier I can be in who I let into my life. Whereas the less happy I am alone, the more desperate I'll be for companionship and therefore the less picky I can be about who I let into my life. And generally, over the years, I think I've been learning to be happier and happier alone. But a side effect of this is that I'm feeling less and less need to be nice to people anymore. And that worries me.

I want to be nice to people. I do care about people. I have compassion for every human on this planet. In theory at least! Life is so hard man and we're all so lost and messed up in our own ways. I've gotta be nicer to people.

I think there's a part of me that feels bad when I'm nice to people because I feel like I have a great big hole in my life, this great ball of sadness, and I feel like I haven't had the love I've wanted or needed or expected and so it always feels like a one sided act. Like a poor person donating their last few pennies so that a rich person can have a few extra grapes at their banquet. I guess I feel like a poor person in the love department. Is that a contradiction to what I just said about being happy alone? I guess I'm not really 'happy' alone, but I've learned to accept and make my peace with being unhappy alone.

So yea, I feel poor socially. But is that the right attitude to have? Maybe a person will always feel poor if they always focus on themselves and what they lack. Whereas if I focused on what I have and emptied myself and just focused on the joy of helping others, maybe I'd feel rich? I mean, we do live in the most interconnected world in history. I've made friends online from all over the world. I'm able to vent my deepest feelings with a degree of safety and anonymity on forums of like minded souls like this one. That's pretty lucky. Maybe I need to try again with this whole being nice to other people malarkey.

hmm...I think I'll leave it there...
I definitely have the same problem. I have a long history of people taking advantage of my kindness. At some point, I calloused. I am filled with anger.

I push people away with little effort, even before getting to know them. As a result, they don't like me. I can't help that I feel like they are going to eventually fuck me over or treat me like a doormat, because that's mostly what I've experienced in life.

I don't think this is the right attitude to have. I have moments where I try to be, where I am, better, in this regard. Then I see people doing shitty things (not even to me necessarily), lose hope in humanity, and go right back to isolating myself.

I want to love and be loved, that's why I keep trying. I wish I had the courage to face the fact that truly opening myself up to others is always going to be a risk, and I may get hurt in the process.
 

worrywort

Well-known member
I definitely have the same problem. I have a long history of people taking advantage of my kindness. At some point, I calloused. I am filled with anger.

I push people away with little effort, even before getting to know them. As a result, they don't like me. I can't help that I feel like they are going to eventually fuck me over or treat me like a doormat, because that's mostly what I've experienced in life.

I don't think this is the right attitude to have. I have moments where I try to be, where I am, better, in this regard. Then I see people doing shitty things (not even to me necessarily), lose hope in humanity, and go right back to isolating myself.

I want to love and be loved, that's why I keep trying. I wish I had the courage to face the fact that truly opening myself up to others is always going to be a risk, and I may get hurt in the process.
Thanks Miserum, for the reply. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. Yea I can totally understand how easy it is to end up in this place of pushing others away. The world's a crazy place. It takes a brave man (or foolish!) to venture out into it these days. Sometimes it's just safer to keep to ourselves.
 

theoutsider

Well-known member
The world's a crazy place. It takes a brave man (or foolish!) to venture out into it these days. Sometimes it's just safer to keep to ourselves.
I totally agree. I believe there's a constant battle between good and evil. Sometimes in just keeping to myself, I feel like I'm depriving evil of an opportunity to do any more damage (using others as a tool). It's not an ideal solution, I suppose, but it's somewhat of a small victory.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I've been feeling better the last couple of days. Got some things done I've been itching to do that initially I thought I couldn't do. (thanks anxiety) I also have a meetup thing scheduled for next week with a potential employer. I'm slightly freaking out about it because I have no idea what to wear, but equally excited.
 
Feeling pretty shocking and badly treated. Tried contacting a therapist I'd seen for a first session some time back who I agreed to work with, but was then told by her she had to take time out due to family problems. When I spoke to her yesterday she told me I'd said I 'never want to work with her' (obviously untrue), and though I stayed calm and assumed she had just made an error, she was incredibly passive aggressive. When I offered to look through my emails to confirm she was mistaken she said 'I dont see how we can work together as this is off to a very bad start and there shouldnt be any trying to prove people wrong with emails'. So by trying to simply prove myself, I got blackballed, and if I didnt, I got blackballed.

I wouldnt mind so much but I've had so many similar bad experiences with therapists in my town. So many frauds and charlatans and people who contradict each other and 'know' they are right and the rest wrong etc.

All I want is someone I can share some of my troubled past with in a safe confidential setting and be listened to, face to face, over a few weeks while I build up the courage to speak of it all.....

So yeah. I feel literally battered and bruised and exhausted and pretty alone.
 
Another day, another argument. Another sleepless night. And, as per usual, nothing’s going right for me for the most part.

I’d say I’m depressed, but ah think I’m beyond that now. I’m more angry than anything else, actually. But am never allowed to articulate that emotion verbal in my family. Since I become “just like ma Dad” whenever I do. Then again, you’d hardly dare speak in my family, cuz you’ve usually done summit wrong or upset somebody by open yer gob and asking a question.

The past 2 years of my life and my mother’s life huv been utterly $…!%*. Yet, I get f…kin’ laugh at when I answer the question: “What wrong?” In a matter-of-fact, “Nae fuckin’ aboot — this is how it is” straightforward manner. Cuz being miserable as f…k and depressed to the point where yer contemplating yer ain death is funny, right? It’s funny how the disabled, “useless waste o’ space” is the only c…nt actually try to be proactive and just get on with life despite the $h!tty circumstances, innit?! :mad:

And y’know, I do absolutely feck all. So, ah guess I’ve got an excuse for not spending Christmas with ma family this year?
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Feeling pretty shocking and badly treated. Tried contacting a therapist I'd seen for a first session some time back who I agreed to work with, but was then told by her she had to take time out due to family problems. When I spoke to her yesterday she told me I'd said I 'never want to work with her' (obviously untrue), and though I stayed calm and assumed she had just made an error, she was incredibly passive aggressive. When I offered to look through my emails to confirm she was mistaken she said 'I dont see how we can work together as this is off to a very bad start and there shouldnt be any trying to prove people wrong with emails'. So by trying to simply prove myself, I got blackballed, and if I didnt, I got blackballed.

I wouldnt mind so much but I've had so many similar bad experiences with therapists in my town. So many frauds and charlatans and people who contradict each other and 'know' they are right and the rest wrong etc.

All I want is someone I can share some of my troubled past with in a safe confidential setting and be listened to, face to face, over a few weeks while I build up the courage to speak of it all.....

So yeah. I feel literally battered and bruised and exhausted and pretty alone.
Sounds like she is acting rather unprofessionally. Definitely seems like she has some issues to work through.
 
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