How are you feeling?

Phoenixx

Well-known member
It is amazing how being around good friends or good family members can help to take the edge off someone's high stress levels.
I hope for you that they are in good moods this particular weekend, so being around their happy and uplifting moods, can help you Phoenixx.
Thanks Blue. I did have a good weekend last week. But overall, it still didn't help how I feel.

I'm stuck in a part of my life that I expected not to be stuck in and now I'm in a hurry to get out. I feel like this frustration won't go away until something changes. I'm so afraid that nothing is going to change and I'm going to lose my mind in the process.

Everything is expensive, my job and wage suck, I have something better lined up that I can't get to, and I'm tired of living in this town and I want to move. :mad:
 
I was scanning through the tv stations earlier today, and for a minute or two I landed on Beyblade, and is was very intensely emotional as anime tends to be. And I was sitting there watching it as an adult, thinking about how the kids in this show treated this spinning-top game like it was as important as literal life and death. Now of course this is an anime, meaning the stakes may very well have been that high, but my point just being that shows like this and Yugioh and things like that are able to make the most mundane, meaningless things like spinning tops or a card game feel like the most intensely important thing in the world.

And I found myself feeling envious of that.

Like I know the dramatics and over-the-top feelings that come with those types of things are ridiculous from the outside looking in, but to be able to get myself to feel that way about things like that would be incredible. I know if I felt like I had to save up for new Beyblade parts or for the next dungeon monster's city tournament and that it was really, really important, I would be much more enthusiastic and driven to do my job and make money.

I just feel like if I had something really important that I cared about intensely or a particularly meaningful purpose or goal it would make everything else worth trying harder for. But I don't feel that way, not truly, about anything anymore and haven't for a while. I wish I could know how those fucking kids care so much about Beyblade. I think I actually have a pretty good idea of how to answer that question, but at the current moment swearing about some fictional animated children enjoy a game is the unproductive thing I want to do.
 
I was scanning through the tv stations earlier today, and for a minute or two I landed on Beyblade, and is was very intensely emotional as anime tends to be. And I was sitting there watching it as an adult, thinking about how the kids in this show treated this spinning-top game like it was as important as literal life and death. Now of course this is an anime, meaning the stakes may very well have been that high, but my point just being that shows like this and Yugioh and things like that are able to make the most mundane, meaningless things like spinning tops or a card game feel like the most intensely important thing in the world.

And I found myself feeling envious of that.

Like I know the dramatics and over-the-top feelings that come with those types of things are ridiculous from the outside looking in, but to be able to get myself to feel that way about things like that would be incredible. I know if I felt like I had to save up for new Beyblade parts or for the next dungeon monster's city tournament and that it was really, really important, I would be much more enthusiastic and driven to do my job and make money.

I just feel like if I had something really important that I cared about intensely or a particularly meaningful purpose or goal it would make everything else worth trying harder for. But I don't feel that way, not truly, about anything anymore and haven't for a while. I wish I could know how those fucking kids care so much about Beyblade. I think I actually have a pretty good idea of how to answer that question, but at the current moment swearing about some fictional animated children enjoy a game is the unproductive thing I want to do.
Great post Vj.
I've spent many years trying to recapture how I felt about things as a kid. It's when life was simpler, the world was mysterious and anything was possible. As I grew up I realize it's just not like that and it led me to feeling deflated about life. I still am.

I've thought deeply about what truly excites me and there are 3 things. The first one is impossible, the second I'm coming to realize its probably not going to happen, the third relates more to what you've said.

1) Impossible. The unknown does excite me. But the unknown I'm referring to is out there, in space. I feel like I'm an explorer at heart. Yet I am born too late to explore the world, too early to explore the universe.

2) Doubtful. Meeting the right person (gf/bf/partner) can really change your life. But I feel like no one understands me and the fact I'm quite different means at least in the mainstream, I'm probably never going to find that person. I really do feel like I'd be more suited to a 'not so social' partner. Maybe even someone with SA lol. But the women who do seem interested just don't fit me in that sense. So yea..

3) Possible. One thing I really do enjoy is getting out of my comfort zone, travelling overseas. To do this means becoming a slave to the system, full time job etc.. which I'm working at. I would love to be able to head overseas and explore once, maybe twice a year. Then come home to a secluded home surrounded by trees.. ideally with a partner that wants the same.

So yea man, I understand how you're feeling. I've been trying to recapture the excitement and passion of childhood for years.
 
I was scanning through the tv stations earlier today, and for a minute or two I landed on Beyblade, and is was very intensely emotional as anime tends to be. And I was sitting there watching it as an adult, thinking about how the kids in this show treated this spinning-top game like it was as important as literal life and death. Now of course this is an anime, meaning the stakes may very well have been that high, but my point just being that shows like this and Yugioh and things like that are able to make the most mundane, meaningless things like spinning tops or a card game feel like the most intensely important thing in the world.

And I found myself feeling envious of that.

Like I know the dramatics and over-the-top feelings that come with those types of things are ridiculous from the outside looking in, but to be able to get myself to feel that way about things like that would be incredible. I know if I felt like I had to save up for new Beyblade parts or for the next dungeon monster's city tournament and that it was really, really important, I would be much more enthusiastic and driven to do my job and make money.

I just feel like if I had something really important that I cared about intensely or a particularly meaningful purpose or goal it would make everything else worth trying harder for. But I don't feel that way, not truly, about anything anymore and haven't for a while. I wish I could know how those fucking kids care so much about Beyblade. I think I actually have a pretty good idea of how to answer that question, but at the current moment swearing about some fictional animated children enjoy a game is the unproductive thing I want to do.

I agree with Pug, that is a great post, vj. (y)

Anything in life that did excite me when I was a child, became impossible to follow after I developed SA and depression.
I know it is very cynical, but I accepted many years ago that never feeling like anything was really important, and therefore never being insanely enthusiastic about striving for something, was inevitable due to my SA.
Don't think I didn't try, I tried and failed a few times in life.

I don't know what is worse; desperately wanting to feel really enthusiastic about something like you vj, or resigning yourself to never being able to, like me? :unsure:
 
Not great. Contemplating killin’ masel’... since things huv’nae got any better in the last 2 years.

Don’t know how much more ah cun actually tolerate. :cry: 20 plus years and counting...

Still caught in the middle o’ the same ol’ dysfunctional family drama. :mad: Having to keep ma gob shut, least ah say what I actually think o’ them. And they’ll no like that, ataw. No ! Cuz how dare the spastic with a physical and learning disability challenge the notion that starting arguments on a nearly daily basis isn’t normal.

Channeling all my negative feelings into my music seems utterly pointless. Since I’m hardly purging what’s bothering me, if I’m still forced to interact with the people that are making me feel like $h!%* on a daily basis. I’d see point if I was drawing upon my current situation as a past experience, if that makes sense?

And I’m done hoping for this supposed “Maybe some day, mibbe yin day soon...” Aye right. They’ll never change. Nay chance ! Since it’s far easier to say you’ll change than actually doing it.
 
...the third relates more to what you've said.

3)...getting out of my comfort zone...
I will say you did hit that one on the money, as that is what I was alluding to at the end when I said I was pretty sure I already knew the answer. And with a comfort zone as small as I have let mine get it's not exactly hard for me to wander out of it. It's one of those things that I know would more often than not be worth it in the end, but while it is staring me in the face I don't want any part of.
 
As with other every day for the past 2 years, wondering why tha f__k ah even bother gettin’ oot ma bed this morning.

And, y’know, wishing I was somewhere else.

Also, still not too happy that I overheard my mother on the phone to my oldest sister last night, and they both hud a good ol’ laugh at my expense. Apparently, the fact I’m slowly deteriorating and feel weighed down due to having to tolerate the constant arguments, day in day oot, is really funny ? :mad:

Guess that means they probably wouldn’t give a f__k, or even miss me that much, if ah did kill masel’...? :(
 
Thank fuck, my mother and I will get some rest this weekend. Been a hellish week trying to look after the 2 nieces / grandchildren. We don’t get a break, whilst my older sister just sits there in the living room on her feckin’ smartphone aw the time. And she wonders why they behave n’ act the way they do. Yet, she still claims we - me, my oldest sister and our mother - “dae absolutely fuck all !” to help. Ha ! What a lack of self awareness...

Never mind that ah barely get a moments peace cuz they’re always upstairs with me within minutes of being in the house. Telling me this that n’ the other. Cannae watch my favourite TV shows or movies, or listen to my music. Sod the fact they get aw excited when their auntie comes round. And our mother’s never oot the kitchen, it seems...

She’s making all the meals, but it’s only ever me who actually comes n’ offers to help. :mad:
 

F0AM

Well-known member
Sad, i friend hurt me a lot and after some months he came back and apologized...i thought he was being true (maybe he was to an extent) but i'm seeing him returning to his ol habits.

I like to think that some ppl change but those are few, most people just don't and if they do is just with an "expiry date" before they behave again as usual.

This time tho, you wont catch me off guard, that i promise.
 
Like crap.

I didn't sleep well last night and my mother calls me at five minutes to eight this morning complaining about her haircut. :rolleyes:

She's like a dog with a bone about things like this so I know she's driven everyone at her house (my brother and her husband) nuts over it, she told me she talked to my granddad about it, too. So now she's exhausted them and she's hitting me with it. Did I mention SHE cut it herself? It's not as crazy as it sounds, she was a hair dresser before she was a nurse but you'd think she'd know better. What's worse is that she's going out of town in a week so she's flying around the house trying to get it "clean", when it's already clean, it's just not in the perfect state she wants it in before she goes on her trip and she wants me to come over and make supper. Which means grocery shopping on Friday when the store is packed looking like a zombie and feeling like it too. I let my Benedryl run out so of course last night was the first bad night of sleep I've had in a while. Perfect timing.

Besides this, Gus' flea medication isn't working so that's bothering me since it was so expensive. He's scratching like crazy, he probably got less sleep than me, and I can't bathe him because the flea shampoo says it can only be used once every seven days (I just bathed him Tuesday). This of course, on top of all the other joys that compose my life. It's just one of those times when things have piled-up all of a sudden and I'm feeling worn-out, unappreciated and put-on.

I know no one's gonna read this and I don't expect it, it just helps to get it out.
 
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