How are you feeling?

[Megaten]

I wonder sometimes that if there truly is an afterlife, will I suffer there too? Kind of crazy I know but hey you wonder about these things every now and then I suppose. As for my day I am still really anxious and depressed. Just really sad. I see the person I should have become slipping away more and more with each passing day. Idolizing who I should have been and realizing who I am instead.

You should take pride in the fact that you keep going though. There's a lot of people in this world that should be happier than us regular folk but ran their lives into the ground anyways. Like all those celebrities that die from overdoses even though millions of people worship the ground they walk on. I think a lot of you here sell your selves short on how much mental strength you really have.

 

[Graeme1988]

My anthropophobia levels are off the scale. I don't hate people I fear them.

Same here, Kiwong. :sad:

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Had a decent day. Got a few things done, chatted online with an old friend for a while, even worked up the guts to call the office twice because they'd screwed up my new lease. Now I'm sliding back into depression. It's not as bad as yesterday, when I was completely on edge the whole day and suicidal thoughts were stampeding through my skull from morn 'til night. It's not that bad, but it's not good either. I wish I could find the courage to really face this thing and do what I need to do to get it under control.

Sliding, sliding, wondering if that's mud down there or quicksand, and what am I going to do either way?

 

[closethomosape]

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/dKZPRuf2AA0/sddefault.jpg
Was spiraling throughout entire college class. Realized afterwards that this meme perfectly illustrates what is happening to me during an episode.

 

[closethomosape]

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/dKZPRuf2AA0/sddefault.jpg
Was spiraling throughout entire college class. Realized afterwards that this meme perfectly illustrates what is happening to me during an episode.:kickingmyself:

 

[Kiwong]

Today I realise I have family, it softens the hostility that surrounds me in the foreign town I find myself in.

 

[Graeme1988]

So lonely that I've grown accustomed to being alone. :sad:

Quite sad that I don't know what to do with my life, 10 years after giving up on my education. :idontknow:
Ah feel like life has passed me by. Wish ah hud people around me who actually cared about me, rather than sayin' they do and treating me like shit.

 

[Graeme1988]

Maybe in death, I'll finally be free of this constant struggle? :idontknow:
At least then, I wouldnae huv put up with being disappointed all the time. And being a complete disappointment to those around me. :sad:

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Nervous, on edge, anxious as heck. Made an appointment for this afternoon to get my car inspected so I can renew the registration and keep the gangsters who run my apartment complex from having it towed next week (also some kinda legal shiz, blah, blah, blah). I'm not at all sure I'm ready to go out anywhere, especially in broad daylight.* The last few months have not been kind, and I've been recovering very slowly. What if I can't go after all? What if I go and the car doesn't pass? I don't have much time to get things fixed if it doesn't. What if they jump the gun and tow it this morning instead of waiting until next week? I don't trust these people one inch when it comes to keeping their word. They've shown me too many times that I can't. I'm not sure what I'm going to do for the next few hours except worry. I'm too nervous to do much else.



*Why is daylight never narrow? What's up with that? :thinking:

 

[Graeme1988]

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

Currently listening to this very song - Fade to Black by Metallica.
Which should give ya some idea of what's goin' on inside ma messed up head. :sad:

 

[Louco]

Without a future.

 

[Graeme1988]

Struggling to find a worthwhile reason to keep living. Music? Art? Books? Comedy? All things ah don't feel the same love or passion for, that I once did. Family don't rank high on the list because...

Ma family hate me, and hate being around me. Hate that I call out them on their attitude and actions. My mum still doesnae seem to understand that not all disabled people need to be waited on hand n' foot. But that idea will be one she'll never comprehend. Or maybe she does, and I just can't tell, because she always actin' dumb? Playin' the victim at slightest criticism. Because women can do no wrong, eh?

Ah just feel like I'm wandering, aimlessly. :idontknow: Not belonging or fitting in anywhere. No sense of purpose. Just existing... alone. Constantly letdown by, and a burden to, those around me. :sad:

 

[S_Spartan]

Struggling to find a worthwhile reason to keep living.

I'm feeling like that as well, Graeme. Like there is just nothing left.

 

[PugofCrydee]

Currently listening to this very song - Fade to Black by Metallica.
Which should give ya some idea of what's goin' on inside ma messed up head. :sad:

Yea it can be tough Graeme. In a weird way, when I'm down listening to songs that have a depressive tone seem to end up making me feel better.

I hope you feel better soon mate.

 

[theslowesthand]

Struggling to find a worthwhile reason to keep living. Music? Art? Books? Comedy? All things ah don't feel the same love or passion for, that I once did

I put these things in the "good time friends" category. As they dont seem to help when you're really "in the black". If you're lucky they can help you a bit in the present moment, on occasion, but they don't touch at all not having a reason to live - which is a whole other kettle'o'fish than just everyday boredom or malaise.


Here's sth random you could try (i do it every day)

Express gratitude

Every new day leads to a new way to say “thank you” for being alive. Everything we experience and are capable of experiencing on this blue marble in this universal arena is something to be grateful for. Contemplate the fact that something rather than nothing exists and that within that something we exist and experience such an amazing reality. There is always something to be grateful for, we simply need to look around us and within us. Through continued gratitude we cannot help but feel an explosive volcanic eruption of bliss to be so fortunate as to have what we have.

Don’t get hung up on what you don’t have, because that will lead you to disappointment and suffering. Our life situation may never be ideal in our eyes but at any point on our life paths we can stop and be mindful of what we appreciate about our lives. Feeling like it’s difficult to find something to be grateful for? You can always get down to the basics… “Thank you for this breath that gives me life”. Say it or feel it, it doesn’t matter how you express gratitude, as long as the conscious intention is there.

And you could do the above while listening to some healing music
(For a deeper meditation experience; use stereo headphones to stimulate Theta brainwaves)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQUGUDc-fZQ

 

[theslowesthand]

Found out today that a half-pet sheep ("nammy2") has died (its twin sister "nammy1" died a year/so ago), so one left (it's daughter) on its lonesome to "mow" the grass in several paddocks around my parents house. I'm missing it already. Still in shock. I expect the sadness/loneliness/pain/anxiety/etc to surface in the coming days. :sad:

You can't stop such big changes in life, such as death. You just have to ride through the storm. But the thing is, I'm not good at handling changes, big or small. It feels like the "end of an era" to me, as i've known them for several years. And since i don't have a social life, it hurts me especially so, as she was then a primary source of company for me. She made the world right for me. Didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. :sad:

'Riders on the storm ...' (playing now)

Edit: Now playing "The Black Album" by metallica. Having a few beers in nammy2's honour. Good. i think it's what i need.

 

[Graeme1988]

I put these things in the "good time friends" category. As they dont seem to help when you're really "in the black". If you're lucky they can help you a bit in the present moment, on occasion, but they don't touch at all not having a reason to live - which is a whole other kettle'o'fish than just everyday boredom or malaise.


Here's sth random you could try (i do it every day)

Express gratitude

Every new day leads to a new way to say “thank you” for being alive. Everything we experience and are capable of experiencing on this blue marble in this universal arena is something to be grateful for. Contemplate the fact that something rather than nothing exists and that within that something we exist and experience such an amazing reality. There is always something to be grateful for, we simply need to look around us and within us. Through continued gratitude we cannot help but feel an explosive volcanic eruption of bliss to be so fortunate as to have what we have.

Don’t get hung up on what you don’t have, because that will lead you to disappointment and suffering. Our life situation may never be ideal in our eyes but at any point on our life paths we can stop and be mindful of what we appreciate about our lives. Feeling like it’s difficult to find something to be grateful for? You can always get down to the basics… “Thank you for this breath that gives me life”. Say it or feel it, it doesn’t matter how you express gratitude, as long as the conscious intention is there.

And you could do the above while listening to some healing music
(For a deeper meditation experience; use stereo headphones to stimulate Theta brainwaves)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQUGUDc-fZQ

Thanks for the suggestion. :thumbup:

Though, ah don't know if meditation will work for me, in that ah rarely get a moment to just sit quietly by myself and not think about much.

Coupled with no wantin' another thing that ma family can take the piss outta me for, as they tend to do with everythin' related to me, except ma disability.

Sorry, not crappin' on yer suggestion, cause I am intae aw that meditation n' that. It's just when yer as quiet and introverted as me, ye get misjudged a lot by yer own.

 

[defiance]

I hate and fear people.

 

[defiance]

Struggling to find a worthwhile reason to keep living. Music? Art? Books? Comedy? All things ah don't feel the same love or passion for, that I once did. Family don't rank high on the list because...

Ma family hate me, and hate being around me. Hate that I call out them on their attitude and actions. My mum still doesnae seem to understand that not all disabled people need to be waited on hand n' foot. But that idea will be one she'll never comprehend. Or maybe she does, and I just can't tell, because she always actin' dumb? Playin' the victim at slightest criticism. Because women can do no wrong, eh?

Ah just feel like I'm wandering, aimlessly. :idontknow: Not belonging or fitting in anywhere. No sense of purpose. Just existing... alone. Constantly letdown by, and a burden to, those around me. :sad:

I feel the same way man for what it's worth. I can't find a reason to keep going anymore. I have nothing going for myself and I doubt I'll ever have anything going for me. I just a loser and a failure in this game called life. I'm tired of letting people down all the time because as an adult you have certain responsibilities that you have to meet. But when the body is that of an adult and the mind is that of a 10 year old scared child, well that is going to make getting anything done almost impossible. How much longer can I last like this? I just don't know......But all I can say is I wish I would have expired years ago.

 

[Graeme1988]

I feel the same way man for what it's worth. I can't find a reason to keep going anymore. I have nothing going for myself and I doubt I'll ever have anything going for me. I just a loser and a failure in this game called life. I'm tired of letting people down all the time because as an adult you have certain responsibilities that you have to meet. But when the body is that of an adult and the mind is that of a 10 year old scared child, well that is going to make getting anything done almost impossible. How much longer can I last like this? I just don't know......But all I can say is I wish I would have expired years ago.

I'm kinda like that myself. Though ah think ma disability mean ah always get treated like a child. :kickingmyself:
And I've nothin' going for me, either. Despite ma family claiming otherwise, like. :idontknow: I'm not good at anythin' that'd be of use or value to wider society.
Still think ah should've end it all years ago, when the pressure of family expectation got to me. :sad:

I hate and fear people.

Ah hate dumb people but fear intelligent people. Ah know, weird, eh?