How are you feeling?

[defiance]

Man that eternal sleep sounds really good right about now.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Total despair. If there's a bright side to my situation, I sure as hell can't see it.

 

[defiance]

It might be time for me to consider purchasing a firearm. That way I have my way out when the time comes. Purchase an expensive bottle of whiskey as well and put it all away for a rainy day. That is how I dream about going if it is to be done by my own hand. Go to a nice place with no one around to catch one last beautiful sunset while sipping on the whiskey. Then put a single bullet into the gun and take my final breath. This is just how messed up I am in the head because what I call a dream, most would call a nightmare.:crying::crying:

 

[GraybeardGhost]

I so wish I could throw in the towel. I can't go on living like this, but I can't stop either. Change seems impossible. I don't have the courage and energy to do the things I need to do to develop the courage and energy I need to do the things I need to do. I'm weighed down by burdens and responsibilities. I don't have the strength to cast them off or stand them up where they ought to be. I want to be free of this life, but there's too much junk blocking the door.

 

[theslowesthand]

It might be time for me to consider purchasing a firearm. That way I have my way out when the time comes. Purchase an expensive bottle of whiskey as well and put it all away for a rainy day. That is how I dream about going if it is to be done by my own hand. Go to a nice place with no one around to catch one last beautiful sunset while sipping on the whiskey. Then put a single bullet into the gun and take my final breath. This is just how messed up I am in the head because what I call a dream, most would call a nightmare.:crying::crying:

I'm slowly stockpiling one of my meds. About a year from now, if i don't feel in a noticeably "better place" by then, then the theory is that's when i'll "pull the plug". Wouldn't mind a gun as a backup, but i can't get one (due to my mental health history). Would probably also drink half a bottle of spirits.

But the trouble is i have this habit of enduring even the most suffering possible. Maybe i'm too hopeful/optimistic even in the direst of situations, even when there's zero hope. Or maybe i don't want to leave all my projects uncompleted, or put to waste. It's like suffering has become like a familiar/comfortable old sock with holes; i don't want to use a new pair as i'm attached to the old sock.

 

[defiance]

I'm slowly stockpiling one of my meds. About a year from now, if i don't feel in a noticeably "better place" by then, then the theory is that's when i'll "pull the plug". Wouldn't mind a gun as a backup, but i can't get one (due to my mental health history). Would probably also drink half a bottle of spirits.

But the trouble is i have this habit of enduring even the most suffering possible. Maybe i'm too hopeful/optimistic even in the direst of situations, even when there's zero hope. Or maybe i don't want to leave all my projects uncompleted, or put to waste. It's like suffering has become like a familiar/comfortable old sock with holes; i don't want to use a new pair as i'm attached to the old sock.

This just tells me that you are incredibly strong mentally. If you can avoid it and keep going then please do so. With me I feel as if this mental illness has stripped me of who I once was and who I dreamed of being. The last shred of my old self was the fact that I was a very calm person and nothing really got to me. Now I am just angry all the time and, although I am ashamed to admit it, I have yelled at relatives at times because I felt threatened. That was the last shred of my identity and now it is only filled with rage. That was what caused me to write what I did. I still feel this way because I feel as if I am a stranger in my own body. It's me but it's not really if that makes any sense. I'm just so tired of being a failure and not being able to contribute in any way. People depend on me but I cannot deliver. What good is my existence?

 

[theslowesthand]

This just tells me that you are incredibly strong mentally. If you can avoid it and keep going then please do so. With me I feel as if this mental illness has stripped me of who I once was and who I dreamed of being. The last shred of my old self was the fact that I was a very calm person and nothing really got to me. Now I am just angry all the time and, although I am ashamed to admit it, I have yelled at relatives at times because I felt threatened. That was the last shred of my identity and now it is only filled with rage. That was what caused me to write what I did. I still feel this way because I feel as if I am a stranger in my own body. It's me but it's not really if that makes any sense. I'm just so tired of being a failure and not being able to contribute in any way. People depend on me but I cannot deliver. What good is my existence?

I get it that all this anger/rage is not something you're not feeling familiar with. I would have felt the same insecurity way back when i started getting serious depression. It takes time for such things to become part of your personal experience & :. part of your personality.

 

[theslowesthand]

Bored to fcking buggery, and worse, no grog (only 2-3 mouthfuls of vodka left). My fault i guess, stuck inside all day at pc. Time for "death magnetic".

Edit: Found 2-3 extra mouthfuls of rum in a nearly-empty bottle, PLUS a can of beer!!! Have 1/2 packet crisps left & rice crackers - that'll do nicely for the nibbles. I SEARCHED, and i FOUND; i ASKED & it was GIVEN. GOD BLESS YOU!!! THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!! (WHEW!!! i can now SURVIVE tonight!!!)

 

[theslowesthand]

Sleep and dream of this
Death angel’s kiss
Brings final bliss
Completely
...
Suicide
I’ve already died
You’re just the funeral
I’ve been waiting for

Cyanide
Living dead inside
Break this empty shell forevermore

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah wish ah hud friends in ma life. Or people who actually cared about me enough to help me, instead of puttin' me low on their list o' priorities. But then ah think mibbe ah don't deserve either of those. :question:

Though, it sure would be nice tae huv someone tae reassure me that I'm doing right, and help make things a wee bit easier, y'know? It's kinda shite constantly huvin to rely upon yer ain wits to teach yersel' stuff you huv nae experience in.

The odd positive remark wouldnae go a miss, either. Since ah rarely hear those from ma remaining living parent. Hate the fact that I'm always dead-last in the people who matter in my family. Or it sure seems that way...

 

[Kiwong]

Tonight I haven't had any Pepsi Max for 24 hours. An hour ago I ate two mandarins. I feel more relaxed. Apparently the Vitamin C in fruit reduces cortisol levels, which are triggered to high levels with the flight or fight response associated with anxiety. Last night I drank a litre of Pepsi Max before bed and couldn't sleep. Tonight no max and mandarins instead I reckon I'll sleep like a baby.

 

[defiance]

I read a sad story not too long ago about a 31 year old mother who died due to cancer leaving behind 3 kids. Another story of a 25 year old woman who died of cancer as well and she was a day away from her wedding. Reading things like this all I can think about is I would die in your place if I could because you wanted to live and I don't. Anyone else do this or am I the only one here?

 

[Graeme1988]

I read a sad story not too long ago about a 31 year old mother who died due to cancer leaving behind 3 kids. Another story of a 25 year old woman who died of cancer as well and she was a day away from her wedding. Reading things like this all I can think about is I would die in your place if I could because you wanted to live and I don't. Anyone else do this or am I the only one here?

I do this as well, so yer not the only one. :sad:

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Having a very bad night. Can't sleep. Dark, hopeless, suicidal thoughts. I don't believe things will ever get better. The sun may rise tomorrow, but this night will never end.

 

[Steiner]

My eyes are dry.

Should lay down I think and watch stuff until I fall asleep. I also feel itchy. Haven't been on this site in awhile so kind of reminiscing a little but don't really want to reminisce too much.

It depresses me and I am noticing that at night one can be sort of sucked into a depressive state. Something about the loneliness and calm that can make us think too much.

Feeling at a loss for my cat and sort of getting into my own little world of sadness. She's fine and don't feel like mentioning much about it.

 

[defiance]

How am I feeling? IF I had a gun I would put a bullet in my head right now. That's how I am feeling. F**K THIS LIFE.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Like I'm out of place; like I don't belong. I'm the puzzle piece that doesn't fit, the slug in a stack of quarters, the cowbird chick hatched in a sparrow's nest, and someday they're going to find out.

 

[Graeme1988]

Just, ju... Wha gives f**k, eh?! How um ah feelin'? Well, it's a mixed bag.

On the one hand, getting into playing the guitar has kept me from offing masel'. Yet, my own mother makes me want kill myself. Or live alone, at very least. Because, f**k me, this whole dumb blonde shtick is gettin' on ma f**kin' nerves. :kickingmyself:

Being gawked at, then telt she doesnae know the answer to the question I've asked. After waiting patiently for the answer. Ugh! Then she has the nerve complain to me that her memory is going. As if I'm supposed to feel sorry or relate. Or am partly response.

Yet she's a f**kin' wealth of knowledge and wisdom to my sisters?! :idontknow: Sorry to be cruel or judgemental here. But she brung it upon herself by not keeping her mind active, and thinking it's acceptable to be lazy. Whereas my memory lapses are due, I think, to huvin to remember stuff I know, stuff I've been taught or taught myself.

Weird how it's fine to berated me for being forgetful. But it's unfair n' sexist to criticise a woman for that. Even if it is yer own parent... So much for equality.

 

[defiance]

Can i please please please please die peacefully in my sleep tonight? I don't want to do this anymore.

 

[Graeme1988]

Constantly letdown by the very people who say they care about and love me. :sad: Strange how that only seems to matter when it involve a decision that would drastically change ma life. Then it's aw: "We love you. We don't whit we do withoot ye"

But somehow that stop to matter when I ask for them to do summit for me. Funny how the nicer ya are to people, the more they'll think yer a pushover. :kickingmyself: