How are you feeling?

[SoScared]

Metta......

 

[Graeme1988]

Disappointed, disillusioned, disheartened. Don't see much point in caring on with ma rehab and recovery since only me an ma oldest sister are the yins who actually give a f**k aboot gettin' me back to full health.

Ma Mum just seems intent upon make the recovery process as difficult as possible for me. Every since ah got ma plasters off she hus don't f**k all, except make pessimistic statement whenever ah try to push maself to be get better.

And makin' lame, shitty, excuses for why she changes her mind everytime ah ask for her help or we agree to do summit, like exercise, at a set time.

It's gettin' tae the point where am just gonnae stop relying upon her for anything, as she proven lately that she doesnae really care aboot ma well-being aw that much. What a difference from 3 months ago where ah couldnae stop her from wanting to help me.

Now ah wonder why she even bother being nice to me only a few months ago? Cuz she turned back intae that dour, negative, bitch-faced hag who has nothin' nice or positive to say to me or about me, ever since ah took charge of ma post-surgery rehab.

F**kin' families, eh? Cannae live with them, would be better off withoot them. At least, in ma case, anyway.

 

[Marc7]

Translation: "Despite not being entirelt sure of my own intelligence at the best of times, myself". That's just me having some self-doubt about myself. Not being sure of my intelligence since ah don't feel aw that smart or clever, to be honest.

Why don't you feel smart?

Ah don't know, but they must to some extent? Why else would they find me intimidating to engage in conversation with - surely that's nothing to do with the fact I'm a big fella? Why would my cousin ask me "Where did ye get yer brains from?" in somewhat genuinely curious, yet jokin' manner? Why would ma family - my Mum, sister and one cousin in particular - scoff at my love of art and music, as well as my preference to read books over watching TV and movies all the time, like they do alot. Not that I see myself as better than them, just different from 'em.

Wow.

Ah mean, ma Mum left school with no qualification and went straight into work to raise 2 of the 3 of us. She had me when she was well into her 40s, didnae go to college or university. Whereas I dropped outta school a complete failure, but ah wus actually a bright kid who hud potential. Just didnae receive the proper support ah needed to live up to that potential.
Plus, ah self-taught myself to play the guitar and mandolin - badly I might added but still... And my family aren't all that musicial.

You dropped out of high school? Did you get your diploma or ged? Mandolin?

Probably. Ah definitely feel inferior around certain, if not most, people.

Yea that is a symptom I think. I also feel inferior to certain actions too.

One ma sisters would still argue that I'm autistic cuz ah don't talk much. So nuthin' ataw to do with being introverted and highly senstive. The latter being more a cure than a blessing for a bloke like me. Or only speaking when spoken to. And possibly, only engaging in conversation with people who don't get on my nerves, and whom ah feel comfortable around.

I only talk when I have to or want to but other then that I am quiet.

Aye, mainly just the headlines, though. But ah couldnae go deeper an intellectualise about the issues in the way ye see pundits doing. I'm not brainy enough, nor do ah huv ma heid that far up ma arse, to think like that. :bigsmile:

I don't read the headlines. What do you mean you don't have your up your butt? What is that is that in reference too?

Well, mainly cuz I'm the only male in the family. And being the youngest I was more naive as a child. When ah wus a teen, it's wus ma deep voice an facial hair that were the but of jokes. Though the one thing they've always mo me for is not sharing the same interests or tastes as them. No idea why, though. Ah guess it's cuz ah wus raised in a terribly conservative, uptight and deeply religious household. Where a healthy mistrust of strangers and anyone who wus different was enforced. And a stubborness to change wus the norm. As well as that all too Scottish of things, never talkin' about yer feelings, for fear of actually saying how ye feel.

They make fun of you because you have different interests? Why is it a Scottish thing to not talk about your feelings?

Ya weren't far off, for sure... Aye, that's correct. The Scots were an Irish tribe, so the first ones to arrive in Scotland came over from Ireland. Meaning that, technically 2 of the 3 things most associated with Scotland - the kilt an bagpipes aren't actually Scottish after all, but Irish in origin.

Oh, I thought it was Scottish all this time.

Mainly verbally, yelling racially slurs at me. But there were a few times where ah got battered for huvin the balls to stand up for myself.
Mind you, answering back with an even more harsh insult probably wasn't the way to go. Though, telling the teacher or my Mum never helped in ma case. So, ah guess ah dealt with the bullyin' as best ah could...? :question:

You should stand up for yourself regardless of the results, obviously I don't want anyone or you to get hurt but I don't stand up for myself. It has hurt me in a lot of ways.

 

[Graeme1988]

Why don't you feel smart?

Didn't really huv a great education. Didnae go to college like ma sisters and older cousin did. I grow without ma Dad for much of ma life, so no real guidance or positive male role model to aspire to be like. My Mum's advice was either stupid, wrong or non-existent - but it too me until my late teens to see this because my Mum doesnae like to admit to her faults. She'd normal give a response of "I don't know" whenever I asked her advice on something, or even just a simple question. Which left me to figure stuff out on my own, not knowing if I was doing right or wrong.

Ye might think that last bit would technically make me smart, but when you just have trust that yer right on whim, yer taking a pretty big risk trusting yer own judgement which isn't all that great to begin with.

You dropped out of high school? Did you get your diploma or ged?

Nope, I just drop out. Failed all my exams due to not being able to remember everything. After ma grades started to slip, one teacher gave me a backhanded compliment that I was bright, smart kid but because I lacked confidence that meant my view on life was wrong.

And my guidance councilor told there's was no point in my staying on for another year, so I took her advice and left. Ironically, she asked why ah was leaving when I had to get her to sign ma leaving form. Needles to say I had to keep quiet to not let the 1st thing I was thinking come outta my mouth.

Mandolin?

A couple of years ago I bought myself a mandolin. One of these...

As I could afford a 5 string banjo at the time, and the mandolin was cheaper. Still learning how to playing it properly.

Yea that is a symptom I think. I also feel inferior to certain actions too.

What do you mean when you say you're inferior to certain actions as well? Just curious to know, that's all.

I only talk when I have to or want to but other then that I am quiet.

Same here.

What do you mean you don't have your up your butt? What is that is that in reference too?

Oh, just that I don't want to come across as someone who always thinks they're right when giving an opinion on something they know little about. Y'know like how some folk can be quite arrogant when they express their opinions on certain issues, like politics, that they aren't willing to accept being wrong.

^ I hope that made sense to you? :question:

They make fun of you because you have different interests?

Oh aye, quite mercilessly as well. Especially as far as my taste in music, movies and TV shows is concerned. My older sister will frequently remind me, still that ma taste in music is "shite", this get passed off as a joke - albeit an unfunny one. Yet ah say the exactly same thing about her love of rave music and ah huv to justify the statement.

Though that said, ah never laughed at her when she came into ma room one day whilist I was listen to this album...

She looks at the above album cover image an goes: "Ugh! What tha f**k's this yer listening to? Come on and Die?" and ah just went: "Wrong, but close enough..." in response. She just gave me a narrow-eyed look and left the room.

Though, I was f**kin' shocked 2 years ago when she asked me if I had and would copy her this album....

Shocked because I've been quite a huge fan of this band going back to early 2000s, and my older sister would constantly say they give me grief everytime I played any of their albums.

Why is it a Scottish thing to not talk about your feelings?

Ah don't really know why exactly, or if it's exclusively a Scottish thing.
But it's not common tae hear men talkin' aboot their feelings openly, as much as wimmin. Ah mean, ah couldnae even mentioned ma struggle with depression withoot ma Mum (who also struggle with it) changing the subject right away or just getting up an leaving the room.

Ah guess the culture has something to do with it, too. And Scotsmen huv to always live up to that tough guy image.

You should stand up for yourself regardless of the results, obviously I don't want anyone or you to get hurt but I don't stand up for myself. It has hurt me in a lot of ways.

Kinda hard tae stand up for yerself in ma case, when naebuddy takes ye seriously. Or the other person's feelings are being brought into the situation. Ah mean, lets face it, for most wimmin - or at least the ones who can take responsibility for their words or actions - that how they win arguments. Because feelings trump facts in argument by feminist logic.

 

[defiance]

The funny thing is I felt the need to post something. However, I am just going to write the same thing over and over again so in some ways what's the point. Well at least I got it out of my system.:idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Just bracing masel' for Hurricane Victoria, which set to arrive sometime next week.

And afore ye aw start tae get too concerned for me, that's just my way of sayin' ma sister's coming to stay for a few days. So ah expect an argument or three to oocur.

 

[this_portrait]

I'm feeling somewhat hopeful.

 

[Graeme1988]

Was hoping today would be a good, but ma Mum as always ruins it by sayin' am a shitty person for askin' her more than once to "Please bring ma egg sandwich through to the living room" before ah make ma way to the couch.

Once again I'm the c**t! Oh, what a surprise... It's always ma fault. :kickingmyself:

 

[Phoenixx]

Kinda shitty, but not half as bad as yesterday. Food poisoning sucks. :thumbdown: Had to miss work yesterday because of it. Thankfully I have the next couple days off and only one class to attend, so I can focus on getting better.

 

[grapevine]

ooh not good food poisoning - Im sorry to hear that. Get well soon!

Well I feel aprehensive because this BDD goes in cycles and lasts for like 3-5 days then goes then starts up again. Right now I feel like my hair is the cancer and I need to fix it. I mean its bright orange kind of thing, made a mistake and I know that either tomorrow or the next day I will need to deal with it and I really dont know what I am going to do and how I am going to deal with it because I let it determine my self worth- thats what bdd is like. But I would like to self tell myself I do not have it and get on with things. Also have to go into town tomorrow yay : (

 

[defiance]

Well, this man that is biologically my father pissed me off again. It is almost effortless for this fu*ker to do that. He just opens his mouth and boom there it is. I have also been more suicidal as of late than normal. If I could only explain in words how close I am to just ending it. I thought it would take a little time for me to reach this mental state but nope it's here already. :kickingmyself::kickingmyself:

 

[defiance]

Just feel like such a failure. I'm so sorry mom. You deserved a better son:sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Just feel like such a failure. I'm so sorry mom. You deserved a better son:sad:

Sorry ye feel that way aboot yerself. Ah know that feelin' masel'. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

At the risk o' makin' anybuddy here mair depressed than ye already might be... Ah feel f***in' great!

So proud o' myself for actually pushing masel' to do summit ah'd been dreading.

Just wish that ma mum wus'nae so negative, pessimistic 'n' thinkin' the worst away the time. :thumbdown:

 

[Marc7]

Didn't really huv a great education. Didnae go to college like ma sisters and older cousin did. I grow without ma Dad for much of ma life, so no real guidance or positive male role model to aspire to be like. My Mum's advice was either stupid, wrong or non-existent - but it too me until my late teens to see this because my Mum doesnae like to admit to her faults. She'd normal give a response of "I don't know" whenever I asked her advice on something, or even just a simple question. Which left me to figure stuff out on my own, not knowing if I was doing right or wrong. Ye might think that last bit would technically make me smart, but when you just have trust that yer right on whim, yer taking a pretty big risk trusting yer own judgement which isn't all that great to begin with.

Oh I see. I'm sorry your father wasn't in your life that much.

Nope, I just drop out. Failed all my exams due to not being able to remember everything. After ma grades started to slip, one teacher gave me a backhanded compliment that I was bright, smart kid but because I lacked confidence that meant my view on life was wrong. And my guidance councilor told there's was no point in my staying on for another year, so I took her advice and left. Ironically, she asked why ah was leaving when I had to get her to sign ma leaving form. Needles to say I had to keep quiet to not let the 1st thing I was thinking come outta my mouth.

I meant, did you get a diploma or ged after high school?

A couple of years ago I bought myself a mandolin. One of these...

As I could afford a 5 string banjo at the time, and the mandolin was cheaper. Still learning how to playing it properly.

How far did you get?

What do you mean when you say you're inferior to certain actions as well? Just curious to know, that's all.

Like for example talking about racism and I disagree at something and I don't respond but I am not knowledgeable about it so I feel even worse.

Same here.

Yea.

Oh, just that I don't want to come across as someone who always thinks they're right when giving an opinion on something they know little about. Y'know like how some folk can be quite arrogant when they express their opinions on certain issues, like politics, that they aren't willing to accept being wrong.

^ I hope that made sense to you? :question:

Oh.

Oh aye, quite mercilessly as well. Especially as far as my taste in music, movies and TV shows is concerned. My older sister will frequently remind me, still that ma taste in music is "shite", this get passed off as a joke - albeit an unfunny one. Yet ah say the exactly same thing about her love of rave music and ah huv to justify the statement. Though that said, ah never laughed at her when she came into ma room one day whilist I was listen to this album...

She looks at the above album cover image an goes: "Ugh! What tha f**k's this yer listening to? Come on and Die?" and ah just went: "Wrong, but close enough..." in response. She just gave me a narrow-eyed look and left the room. Though, I was f**kin' shocked 2 years ago when she asked me if I had and would copy her this album....

Shocked because I've been quite a huge fan of this band going back to early 2000s, and my older sister would constantly say they give me grief everytime I played any of their albums.

What do you mean you never laughed at her when she heard you listening that album. What music do you like?

Ah don't really know why exactly, or if it's exclusively a Scottish thing.
But it's not common tae hear men talkin' aboot their feelings openly, as much as wimmin. Ah mean, ah couldnae even mentioned ma struggle with depression withoot ma Mum (who also struggle with it) changing the subject right away or just getting up an leaving the room. Ah guess the culture has something to do with it, too. And Scotsmen huv to always live up to that tough guy image.

Oh, it is a tough guy thing in Scotland.

Kinda hard tae stand up for yerself in ma case, when naebuddy takes ye seriously. Or the other person's feelings are being brought into the situation. Ah mean, lets face it, for most wimmin - or at least the ones who can take responsibility for their words or actions - that how they win arguments. Because feelings trump facts in argument by feminist logic.

I meant to the bullies.

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh I see. I'm sorry your father wasn't in your life that much.

Thanks. Kinda weird that I've become just like my father in terms of our opinions on certain things and attitude towards life, yet we barely knew each other. And look just like him, too, especially when I'm clean shaven.

I meant, did you get a diploma or ged after high school?

Nope, neither a diploma or ged to my name. Just a few achievement certificates for doing well in a few subjects, but that's all.

How far did you get?

A few chords, and the intro part of REM's Losing My Religion. Other than that, not that far. Can't play a whole song or doing any fancy in terms of playing melodies. I more used to, and better at, playing the guitar.

Like for example talking about racism and I disagree at something and I don't respond but I am not knowledgeable about it so I feel even worse.

Oh, I do exactly the same thing. Feel very outta my depth, most of time. I also don't feel comfortable talking about racism, since it just reminds me of all those times I was bullied.

What do you mean you never laughed at her when she heard you listening that album.

Mainly because me getting mocked for my musical tastes was just so cliché that I was used to it by that point. And, what little humour there in it, died with each repeation of the snide remark and roll of the eyes that she gave. So there was no point in laughing it off when it stopped being funny. Plus, if I did laugh at her for misprouncing that album title she probably gotten mad, cuz ma family are like that if they see me laughing and there not in on the joke.

"Whit ye laughin' it, eh?"​

See, with a Scottish accent even the most innocent, curious question, like this, can sound threatening.

And ah didn't see the point of stooping to her level to get back her for belittling me for the music I like. Just turn it up louder to drown out her voice.

Plus, my cousin thinks I'm weird because I like the Canadian prog-rock band Rush. He's not fond of them, and thinks Rush fans are odd, weird lookin' bunch of people. I just laughed this off, as I alredy know I'm weird. :bigsmile:

What music do you like?

A bit of everything, really. But I mainly like guitar-driven music. Classic rock, alternative rock, a bit country, folk and bluegrass. Heavy metal and pretty much anything instrumental.

Oh, it is a tough guy thing in Scotland.

Aye, pretty much. It's quite a macho culture. It'd huv to be, it's the place where men wear skirts and no underwear and still be considered manly.

I meant to the bullies.

Oh, I thought ye were still on about ma family making fun of me. Bullies? They're no bother. Once they get the message that yer not one who tolerates being picked on, they'll think twice about bothering ya. Though, ah, rightly or wrongly, got into a full on fight with the slightly older lads who bullied me. This was during my last year of primary school when I was 12 - frightened them shitless because I just had enough & snapped.

 

[nodejesque]

Like breakfast for dinner.

 

[defiance]

I can't take it anymore....I just can't take it anymore. I'm forced to be here and suffer so others won't have to suffer if I died. But I am worse by the day so I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

 

[Marc7]

Thanks. Kinda weird that I've become just like my father in terms of our opinions on certain things and attitude towards life, yet we barely knew each other. And look just like him, too, especially when I'm clean shaven.

Your welcome. How do you know your like him without him being in your life that much though?

Nope, neither a diploma or ged to my name. Just a few achievement certificates for doing well in a few subjects, but that's all.

Certificates in high school right?

A few chords, and the intro part of REM's Losing My Religion. Other than that, not that far. Can't play a whole song or doing any fancy in terms of playing melodies. I more used to, and better at, playing the guitar.

On the guitar you play very well then?

Oh, I do exactly the same thing. Feel very outta my depth, most of time. I also don't feel comfortable talking about racism, since it just reminds me of all those times I was bullied.

I feel insecure because I don't feel I will be right because of lack of social experience talking people about racism and lack of knowledge.

Mainly because me getting mocked for my musical tastes was just so cliché that I was used to it by that point. And, what little humour there in it, died with each repeation of the snide remark and roll of the eyes that she gave. So there was no point in laughing it off when it stopped being funny. Plus, if I did laugh at her for misprouncing that album title she probably gotten mad, cuz ma family are like that if they see me laughing and there not in on the joke.

"Whit ye laughin' it, eh?"​

See, with a Scottish accent even the most innocent, curious question, like this, can sound threatening.

And ah didn't see the point of stooping to her level to get back her for belittling me for the music I like. Just turn it up louder to drown out her voice. Plus, my cousin thinks I'm weird because I like the Canadian prog-rock band Rush. He's not fond of them, and thinks Rush fans are odd, weird lookin' bunch of people. I just laughed this off, as I alredy know I'm weird. :bigsmile:

Oh. Why is it threatening in a Scottish Accent? Haha. What is progressive rock?

A bit of everything, really. But I mainly like guitar-driven music. Classic rock, alternative rock, a bit country, folk and bluegrass. Heavy metal and pretty much anything instrumental.

I'm sorry but what is alternative rock, folk, and bluegrass?

Aye, pretty much. It's quite a macho culture. It'd huv to be, it's the place where men wear skirts and no underwear and still be considered manly.

Why do they have to be macho? Really, they wear no underwear?

Oh, I thought ye were still on about ma family making fun of me. Bullies? They're no bother. Once they get the message that yer not one who tolerates being picked on, they'll think twice about bothering ya. Though, ah, rightly or wrongly, got into a full on fight with the slightly older lads who bullied me. This was during my last year of primary school when I was 12 - frightened them shitless because I just had enough & snapped.

No. So you did stand up for yourself. That's good.

 

[Graeme1988]

Your welcome. How do you know your like him without him being in your life that much though?

Well, ma dad was quite intidimating looking, physique wise - like me. We had the exactly same opinions / views on birthdays and Christmas being a waste of time. My dad was also someone who didn't like people wasting his time nor did he suffer fools gladly, shall we say. And I'm like that as well.

Certificates in high school right?

Yes

On the guitar you play very well then?

Wouldn't say very well, but I'm somewhat decent.

Oh. Why is it threatening in a Scottish Accent? Haha.

Don't know, ah giuess more to do with the sound of the accent, more than anything.

What is progressive rock?

Progressive rock is subgenre of rock music, quite popular in the late 60s to about mid-70s. Self-indulgent shit to those who hate it. But basically, it just rock music that uses different rhythms, time signatures. As well as instrument not always associated with rock music. Kinda hard to explain that genre to someone who's not familar with the genre.

?

I'm sorry but what is alternative rock, folk, and bluegrass?

Alternative rock are just a genre label mainly associated with most of the rock bands that were popular in 1990s. Folk and bluegrass music are kinda off-shoots of country and western music.

?

Why do they have to be macho?

Couldnae give ye an answer to that question. It's just how Scots are - that whole stiff upper lip mentality. Keeping yer vunerability interalise.

Really, they wear no underwear?

Well, not nowadays. But that's the stereotype commonly associated with Scotsmen and kilts. Ah huv'nae fully researched the history of Scotland much myself, so don't know if that's true. Though, it probably is. :bigsmile:

No. So you did stand up for yourself. That's good.

Oh aye, ah'll stand up for myself when need be...