How are you feeling?

[SilentAndShy]

Normally, I'd be gutted getting ready for work after an Easter weekend but in some way kinda glad I'm back tomorrow. But will have pangs of anxiety there as well I'm sure!

 

[this_portrait]

Crying. Hopeless. I can't stand it anymore.

 

[Graeme1988]

Crying. Hopeless. I can't stand it anymore.

Same here... :sad: Also, wish this flu bug would pissed off, as it's hindered ma rehab an recovery. :kickingmyself:

 

[defiance]

NEED TO VENT. FUC*ING PIECE OF SHIT FATHER OF MINE. GOOD FOR NOTHING USELESS EXCUSE FOR HUMAN LIFE. So I have to go to the doctor with this guy, which I cannot stand because I hate him, and he makes a wrong turn and loses his sh*t. Starts cussing and all of that and I have to sit there and hear all this sh*t. If he isn't yelling or being pissed off about something stupid he is either hanging out with his friends, playing on his phone, or sleeping. I DESPISE THIS MAN. IF IT WASN'T FOR MY SHORTCOMINGS DUE TO MY PROBLEMS I WOULD HAVE KICKED THIS GUY OUT OF MY LIFE A LONG TIME AGO. It truly baffles me how this PIECE OF HUMAN WASTE tricked my wonderful mother into marrying him. I just don't get it. Anyways FU*K HIM. Had to vent. Again I know he could be a lot worse, but that is still no excuse.

 

[Marc7]

Why? Well, ah don't know if ah can speak from the whole Scotland here. But, as for the south and west of Scotland, swearing is used so frequently in day to day speech, that people just accept it as how it is. As I said uptight an middle/upper class Scots tend to disapprove of it.
Also, swearing can be funny when said in Scottish, Irish or Geordie (Newcastle) accent. :bigsmile:

Oh, why do they disapprove it?

Ma mum's a Scottish women, born an bred. And ma father was African, born in Kenya but moved to Scotland. Can't remember exactly when, though. Probably around the mid-60s/70s... So I'm half Scottish and half African. But ah identify more with ma Scottish herititage than ma African herititage.

So would you say your biracial? I identify myself as mixed black.

Ah did snap at her over the insult a couple of years ago, when she said it after I was done getting ma passport photos taken in ma local supermarket, cuz she'd just blurt it out as if it was an appropriate to say in public. She got the message but, sadly, she refused to apologies for saying it. Nor did she see it from my perspective. Justifying it as more attempt to get ma approval, than an poor attempt at irony. Instead she opted for the crocodile tears and claim that I was picking on her. Because, believe me, ah wanted to mock her appearance back. Just to show that she wasn't immune from those sorta demeaning jokes, either. But ah just showed restraint. Since a man insulting a women's appearance nowadays is seen as misogynistic and sexist by feminist, and I'd end up lookin' bad. We're on good terms now, but I'm still expecting some c**t ah don't know to yell it at me whenever ah go outside.

Crocodile tears means? You weren't picking on her. I know and I hope someone doesn't shout at you again.

Aye, or ah tried to - she had quite a strong grip of ma left wrist. Or I intentionally throw my left hand back and upward onto the manicure scissors she had in her right hand, as Mum claimed at the time. So much so, that I stabbed myself just below the knuckle my pinky. Leave a perfectly straight horizontal scar. Aye, explain that yin Stephen Hawking - ya brainy c**t!

You called your mom a c**t or no? I'm confused

Aye, but she constantly says she's illiterate and stupid cuz she cannae spell and mispronounces some words. No matter how many times me or ma oldest sister say the opposite. Like she's no up to par intellectually. Yet, that's how ah feel in most social situations.

She thinks she not up to par intellectually? I feel like I am up to par but since I don't follow the news I feel like I will never be right in conversations.

Tried that, but she tends to keep to herself with me, become quite withdrawn. All ah know is she likes American sitcoms (mainly the ones I'm not as keen on), 80s rock music like Guns N' Roses Bon Jovi and Meat Loaf - which I grow to apprecite because she'd play them non-stop when ah wus 12. As well as her liking some of the bands that I like (Foo Fighters, Metallica, Iron Maiden etc). But there's no really any common ground aside from the few Scottish TV shows we like, watching the football, music and comedy. Though, ah rarely hear her playing her 2 Bon Jovi albums during the summer, like ah used to. Rarely do we debate on topical/political issues or express our opinions and feelings - or anything that comes close to that. Those things are usually off-limits except on the rare occassion when ma Mum is happy to discuss them.

At least you connect with her on some things. That's good.

Yep! But they turn on me with the "The more ye do for folk, the more ungrateful they are" Me, ungrateful? Ah don't even ask for most of the things they do for me, sometimes. They just assume ah want it without askin' and go: "Here ye go, enjoy". They're always making these false assumption about me as a person. Yet whenever they practically beg me to do things for them, it's got to be done right away. But ah need to ask more than once afore they do anythin' for me. Mibbe cuz ah don't matter as much, ah don't know.

Wow, that is impatient and victim blaming.

If only ah could stay in a rehab clinic for a year, but we don't huv anythin' like that in Scotland, as they do in America. The National Health Service here probably wouldn't be able to afford to even build such a place without making cuts to other areas, like the wages of doctor, surgeons and other vital stuff.
Also, ye don't get keep in hospital for long after undergoing any extensive or minor surgeries. Especially if the operation has been talked through with both the patient and the consultant surgeon at length and they've scheduled the date that it'll take place a few month in advance to get all the important tests done. And recovery and rehab is pretty much left to the patient and physiotherapists to cooridinate as best they can. Unless you've injuried yer back badly enough to need surgery, then yer in for longer.

I understand. What about part of the year?

Oh, quite soft, calm and quiet - almost a whisper at times. Though, it's a bit deep as well. Also, tend to stammer if I'm nervous. I'm very shy.
Never hud the confidence to really project ma voice without feelin' self-conscious about it.

My voice is monotone and deep so I'm very self conscious about my voice. But I can be not monotonous with certain family members. Stammer?

Ah hope ah don't mean to sound paranoid for sayin' this, but ah think they might. Y'know, since I've got quite a stout build for be quite short. Got broad-shoulders and big arms. Also a bit on the chubby side as far a ma boddy goes. Ah think that coupled with ma shy, reserved, quiet nature gives off the impression am quite a tough, intimadatin' guy. When am really a big Jessy, a big softie. Not as loud, obnoxious or annoying as ma older siblings. Don't really enjoy havin' to yell or confront ma family as regards their behaviour. Prefer keepin' quiet an not causing a fuss or complainin' too much.

I;m self conscious of my weight too because starting to get bulge on my stomach and my skin.

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh, why do they disapprove it?

:idontknow: Maybe because it sounds slightly weird when posh middle or upperclass folk swear, due to accent being so proper. Ah mean, could you imagine the Queen of England swearing?

Or the idea more commonly bandied about is that someone who uses swear words lacks intelligent and sophistication.

So would you say your biracial? I identify myself as mixed black.

To an extent. In terms of being mixed race, aye certainly. But ah don't really place much significance on it. Not that I'm ashamed of my mixed heritage. Ah just prefer to think of myself as a Scottish person of African descent. Since ah wus born and raised in Scotland.

Crocodile tears means? You weren't picking on her. I know and I hope someone doesn't shout at you again.

Crocodile tears is just an expression used to describe when someone who is crying, but they're not as upset as they appear. It's fake crying, in other words.

Ah know I wasn't picking on my sister, but that's how she saw it, therefore that whit ah wus doing. Funny how calling women out for being disrespectful & committing a blunder in social conduct makes you a bully, if yer man at least. I, personal, blame radical feminism for that wee double standard.

You called your mom a c**t or no? I'm confused

No. If you read my previous post again, the use of the c-word was a fail joke attempt in reference to the renowned theoretical physicist, Stephen Hawking. Very rarely do ah call ma own mother a c**t. Unless she does or says something to really provoke me, intentionally, knowing it'll upset me.

She thinks she not up to par intellectually?

Yep! Or at least that's the line that always get thrown at me when ah tell ma Mum she not stupid, despite her lack of college or university education. Though, she described me as having an "intimidating intellect" once. Mainly because ah used to read a lot as younger man, know a few big words, have ma own opinions / beliefs. And I'm more sensible, and slightly more rational, than the rest of the family.

I feel like I am up to par but since I don't follow the news I feel like I will never be right in conversations.

Same here and I used to follow the news and read the newspaper all the time when I was younger. Now, not so much. So, when asked my opinion on a news story, unless I happen to read up on it online - or am given a brief summary by the person asking for ma thoughts - ah tend not to huv an opinion on it. Or when in doubt I'll improvise an opinion that, at least, sounds sensible while acknowledging that I'm probably wrong.

Though, I also don't feel up to par because I'm not as educated as I know I should be. So don't feel as cultured or sophisticated as other folk.

At least you connect with her on some things. That's good.

Aye, it is. It'd be great if we could connect beyond just huvin stuff in common, though

Wow, that is impatient and victim blaming.

It is, but neither my Mum or oldest sibling see it like that. :sad:

I understand. What about part of the year?

Staying in a rehab clinic for part of year, you mean? That'd probably be an option if I could afford to go private with my health care.

My voice is monotone and deep so I'm very self conscious about my voice. But I can be not monotonous with certain family members.

I'm think the same of my voice. Which is probably why ah don't talk much? Though, nowadays, it's rare my monotonous tone ever changes with my family. Since they've always found my voice, and how I phrase or say certain things, to be funny. Even when ah express an opinion that is truthful and honest. Thus, they never take anything I say seriously.

Stammer?

Oh, it's just another way to describe a stutter speech impediment

I'm self conscious of my weight too because starting to get bulge on my stomach and my skin.

I still am, for much the same reason. As well as feeling that my big build coupled with the bushy beard, brown skin, body hair and Scottish accent give me quite an intimidating physical presence.

 

[SoScared]

Hungary...

 

[Nanita]

Today is the day I started wishing that Iggy Pop was my friend or maybe boyfriend.
Or maybe I'll just become more like him.

 

[Graeme1988]

Another day feelin' awful... :sad:

 

[rumblejaded]

I just watched an episode of the waking dead and I'm feeling sleepy.

 

[Phoenixx]

Sleepy. I have to go to class in a couple hours and take a test. I think I'll take a nap before then.

 

[planemo]

I can't decide what's more terrifying. Never being like by someone or actually being liked by someone. mg:

 

[defiance]

Another day feelin' awful... :sad:

Same. I just don't know what else I can do. Well only one thing left to do but I am holding off on that for now. Lets see if I can turn things around before I decide to make that final decision.

 

[Graeme1988]

Same. I just don't know what else I can do. Well only one thing left to do but I am holding off on that for now. Lets see if I can turn things around before I decide to make that final decision.

Sorry to hear yer feelin' that way, defiance.

Though, I'm feelin' awful cuz I've still got this chest infection / flu bug that doesnae seem tae be gettin' any better as yet.

 

[Graeme1988]

I can't decide what's more terrifying. Never being like by someone or actually being liked by someone. mg:

In my experience it has tae be being like by somebuddy. At least when someone doesnae like ye it's easier to accept. Being liked just make ye question what it is about you a person likes, and why.

 

[Marc7]

:idontknow: Maybe because it sounds slightly weird when posh middle or upperclass folk swear, due to accent being so proper. Ah mean, could you imagine the Queen of England swearing?
Or the idea more commonly bandied about is that someone who uses swear words lacks intelligent and sophistication.

Haha that would be funny. That is a wrong assumption.

To an extent. In terms of being mixed race, aye certainly. But ah don't really place much significance on it. Not that I'm ashamed of my mixed heritage. Ah just prefer to think of myself as a Scottish person of African descent. Since ah wus born and raised in Scotland.

Why don't you say your half Scottish and half Kenyan?

Crocodile tears is just an expression used to describe when someone who is crying, but they're not as upset as they appear. It's fake crying, in other words. Ah know I wasn't picking on my sister, but that's how she saw it, therefore that whit ah wus doing. Funny how calling women out for being disrespectful & committing a blunder in social conduct makes you a bully, if yer man at least. I, personal, blame radical feminism for that wee double standard.

Oh. Haha at the radical feminism for the double standard.

No. If you read my previous post again, the use of the c-word was a fail joke attempt in reference to the renowned theoretical physicist, Stephen Hawking. Very rarely do ah call ma own mother a c**t. Unless she does or says something to really provoke me, intentionally, knowing it'll upset me.

Oh I misread it. I'm sorry.

Yep! Or at least that's the line that always get thrown at me when ah tell ma Mum she not stupid, despite her lack of college or university education. Though, she described me as having an "intimidating intellect" once. Mainly because ah used to read a lot as younger man, know a few big words, have ma own opinions / beliefs. And I'm more sensible, and slightly more rational, than the rest of the family.

What does "intimidating intellect" mean?

Same here and I used to follow the news and read the newspaper all the time when I was younger. Now, not so much. So, when asked my opinion on a news story, unless I happen to read up on it online - or am given a brief summary by the person asking for ma thoughts - ah tend not to huv an opinion on it. Or when in doubt I'll improvise an opinion that, at least, sounds sensible while acknowledging that I'm probably wrong.Though, I also don't feel up to par because I'm not as educated as I know I should be. So don't feel as cultured or sophisticated as other folk.

Why don't you follow the news? I don't because I don't want to feel inferior and plus the lack of motivation. I know I should be more cultured too.

Aye, it is. It'd be great if we could connect beyond just huvin stuff in common, though

Yea.

It is, but neither my Mum or oldest sibling see it like that. :sad:

Yea that is unfortunate :sad:.

Staying in a rehab clinic for part of year, you mean? That'd probably be an option if I could afford to go private with my health care.

So you're not under your private health care (if you don't mind answering)?

I'm think the same of my voice. Which is probably why ah don't talk much? Though, nowadays, it's rare my monotonous tone ever changes with my family. Since they've always found my voice, and how I phrase or say certain things, to be funny. Even when ah express an opinion that is truthful and honest. Thus, they never take anything I say seriously.

So they make fun of you?

Oh, it's just another way to describe a stutter speech impediment

Oh, I figured stammer means stutter in Scottish slangs or everyday talk.

I still am, for much the same reason. As well as feeling that my big build coupled with the bushy beard, brown skin, body hair and Scottish accent give me quite an intimidating physical presence.

Why would your brown skin make you intimidating?

 

[Graeme1988]

Why don't you say your half Scottish and half Kenyan?

Fair point there, Marc. But ah never actually asked ma Dad which part of Africa he wus from. And ah rarely asked ma Mum about him cuz she’s just start rant about how shitty he was as a person. Though, ironically, it wus ma Mum that telt me which part of Africa ma Dad wus from, short after he passed away.

What does "intimidating intellect" mean?

:idontknow: F**k knows, pal. But ah’ve always taken it to mean that am quite knowledgeable aboot things, an take an interest in things that don’t interest the rest o’ ma family. Therefore, I’m apparently smarter than them.
Despite no being entirely sure of ma ain intelligence at the best o’ times, masel’.

Ah always get the feelin’ that ma family look at me an think:
Ha! Look it him… Sittin’ there. Readin’ book, watch documentaries, listening tae classical music. As well as teach himself the guitar. See that, that’s a brainy c**t right there.

Why don't you follow the news? I don't because I don't want to feel inferior and plus the lack of motivation. I know I should be more cultured too.

Ah don’t follow the news for much the same reasons as you, Marc. Also, it’s quite depressing a lotta the time, too. And it quite repeative nowadays, with these 24-hour news channels.

And ah don’t huv a clue whit they’re going on about when it comes tae certain economic and business issues. Mainly due to being shite at mathematics, myself.

Ah prefer to read about it online most of the time. But even then ah don’t think ah should give ma opinion on it in case I’ve misinterpret the story or there’s not enough info to make a judgement on it. And when am asked for ma opinion ah normally bluff ma way through ma answer. Going for the most sensible perspective, even if I’m totally wrong.

So you're not under your private health care (if you don't mind answering)?

Nope. I don’t have the money to afford going private with my health care. Though, there’s probably some perks to it. Though, every operation, injection or medication would probably be getting paid for by me if ah went private? And ah don’t think ma disability benefit allowance payment would even come close to paying for it, either.

So they make fun of you?

If you consider being laugh at for whit ye say and how ye say it. Then, aye, they still make of me. But I'm used to it, the being the youngest of 3 siblings.

Oh, I figured stammer means stutter in Scottish slangs or everyday talk.

:bigsmile: Naw, stammer is just another word of a stutter. Definitely not Scottish slang or everyday talk here, as it’s used in other parts of the UK.

Believe me, Scottish slang is only exclusive to Scotland for the most part. Though, in the North of England they use some Scottish words an phrases, mainly in Newcastle. Oh, and Ireland use some Scottish expression as well. But then the Scots were original an Irish tribe, so that would probably explain the commonality between the Scots and Irish.

Why would your brown skin make you intimidating?

Chalk that doon tae being racially bullied during ma school years, and often gettin’ mistaken for a Pakistani by ignorant school peer and older kids. And the fact am no much of a smilier.

 

[defiance]

As I am writing this, it baffles me as to why I am so angry at this moment but I am. For as long as I can remember now, whenever I go out to have a good time I end up feeling worse and worse as I am trying to enjoy myself. It makes no sense at all. The more I try to get myself out of my shell the more I end up feeling depressed and wishing I was dead. Yesterday was no exception to that rule. I tried again and I failed miserably again to have a good time and ended up being super depressed. I have just accepted this as my fate. But because I have accepted this as my fate, I have also accepted that one day when I hit that breaking point and I can no longer take it I will pull the plug. Writing that doesn't even phase me anymore. I'm numb to it. Now I find myself getting angry internally whenever people say life is beautiful as if its an objective statement, even though of course it isn't. Misery misery and more misery. Yup life is beautiful alright :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

As I am writing this, it baffles me as to why I am so angry at this moment but I am. For as long as I can remember now, whenever I go out to have a good time I end up feeling worse and worse as I am trying to enjoy myself. It makes no sense at all. The more I try to get myself out of my shell the more I end up feeling depressed and wishing I was dead. Yesterday was no exception to that rule. I tried again and I failed miserably again to have a good time and ended up being super depressed. I have just accepted this as my fate. But because I have accepted this as my fate, I have also accepted that one day when I hit that breaking point and I can no longer take it I will pull the plug. Writing that doesn't even phase me anymore. I'm numb to it. Now I find myself getting angry internally whenever people say life is beautiful as if its an objective statement, even though of course it isn't. Misery misery and more misery. Yup life is beautiful alright :kickingmyself:

Ouch! Sorry to hear yer feelin' this way, defiance. Do y'know what's causing these depressive, suicidal feelings when you step outta yer comfort zone? Is it due to feelin' under pressure to fit in? Or feelin' self-conscious? Sorry, don't mean to go all shrink on ye. Still ah cun relate to most of whit ye said, so yer no alone in feelin' the way ya do.

Also, life is shite...

 

[defiance]

Ouch! Sorry to hear yer feelin' this way, defiance. Do y'know what's causing these depressive, suicidal feelings when you step outta yer comfort zone? Is it due to feelin' under pressure to fit in? Or feelin' self-conscious? Sorry, don't mean to go all shrink on ye. Still ah cun relate to most of whit ye said, so yer no alone in feelin' the way ya do.

Also, life is shite...

No clue as to what could be causing it. It has just been that way. It is almost as if my true self is reminding me that I am supposed to be miserable and happiness is not a part of my life.:idontknow: