That is very good news Mikey!
Congrates on having a job 🙂
Thanks so much! 😀 I'm so nervous about starting and no doubt I'll be close to panic attack stations when I get my first call, but I'm going to do this. 🙂
I feel very conflicted, and like a genuinely flawed human being. Why do I have to act so stupidly on impulses? My whole brain has been completely out of whack lately. I've been experiencing this crushing sense of loneliness too, stronger than I have ever felt previously. Yet I have been around people lately more than ever before in my life. It makes no sense at all. When I'm back here all alone this sickening sense of insecurity takes over everything. I don't know what is wrong with me lately, but I feel awful again :/. I'm really not a good person.
I'm now a traffic controller, after months of deliberation and procrastination. I basically walked in and gave them my resume, and they hired me on the spot. I have a kit bag full of hi-vis clothes that I'll wear when on the job.
Only trouble is that it's casual, so I'll only get work when they call me. I haven't received my first shift yet but the lady told me it'll be one to two weeks before I get a call, so not to worry.
The good thing is that they'll work around my uni schedule, too.
I think I've hit the jackpot. I'm so excited! (And nervous....)
I feel very conflicted, and like a genuinely flawed human being. Why do I have to act so stupidly on impulses? My whole brain has been completely out of whack lately. I've been experiencing this crushing sense of loneliness too, stronger than I have ever felt previously. Yet I have been around people lately more than ever before in my life. It makes no sense at all. When I'm back here all alone this sickening sense of insecurity takes over everything. I don't know what is wrong with me lately, but I feel awful again :/. I'm really not a good person.
You're doing fine, psyche! You're trying to be outgoing and meet some new people. It's not going to have instant ramifications but it will still be good for you. 🙂
An okay day. A little frustrated because of some fault in my mark sheets ( it printed my name wrongly) and have to give it for correction. A minor spelling mistake..an extra "a" in my name and I have to go through the process to get it corrected.
My daily writing thing is going good so far. Hope I don't get lazy and drop it.
Back to back post!
Sometimes I disappoint myself. I shout at someone without giving it a second thought. Why do I do that? I am so self centred and selfish. Sometimes I hate myself for being such a weak person who has no control over emotions.
Sometimes I disappoint myself. I shout at someone without giving it a second thought. Why do I do that? I am so self centred and selfish. Sometimes I hate myself for being such a weak person who has no control over emotions.
Same here. :sad:
Though, glad tae hear yer writing/journal is goin' well so far, spring. Ah hope ye keep at it. :thumbup:
I'm now a traffic controller, after months of deliberation and procrastination. I basically walked in and gave them my resume, and they hired me on the spot. I have a kit bag full of hi-vis clothes that I'll wear when on the job.
Only trouble is that it's casual, so I'll only get work when they call me. I haven't received my first shift yet but the lady told me it'll be one to two weeks before I get a call, so not to worry.
The good thing is that they'll work around my uni schedule, too.
I think I've hit the jackpot. I'm so excited! (And nervous....)
^Care to elaborate?:thinking:
I hope your soreness eases and your sadness lifts soon, kihira.
The opinions of mental illness, particularly depression, around where I live are predominantly the type of "Mental illness is your choice, just choose not to dwell on it, suck it up" beliefs.
It is because of this I am too afraid to explain my depression and SA to my new doctor, of even my last doctor and the one before that (the doctors don't stay here long term).
So I have to try and deal with all of this misery by myself. I don't know how much longer I can hold it in.:sad:
On top of all this, because I have been forced to repress it for about 8 years now, I fear it is going to erupt like a violent volcano erupting after being dormant for 100 years.
The opinions of mental illness, particularly depression, around where I live are predominantly the type of "Mental illness is your choice, just choose not to dwell on it, suck it up" beliefs.
It is because of this I am too afraid to explain my depression and SA to my new doctor, of even my last doctor and the one before that (the doctors don't stay here long term).
So I have to try and deal with all of this misery by myself. I don't know how much longer I can hold it in.:sad:
On top of all this, because I have been forced to repress it for about 8 years now, I fear it is going to erupt like a violent volcano erupting after being dormant for 100 years.
Maybe you haven't seen the right doctors. Any doctor that tells you to "suck it up" doesn't know anything about how mental illness works, and is well out of the loop of general diagnostics. That mentality is what a teenager would say when not given enough knowledge on the subject.
There's certainly no need to repress it, and I do urge you to continue going to different doctors to find the right one for you, and maybe they can point you in the right direction to overcome your depression and anxiety, whether it's from therapy or pharmaceuticals. Don't give up! 🙂
Like a worthless piece of sh**
An unlikeable unlovable waste of space.
Garbage....
^ This basically sums up how ah've been feelin' anaw. :sad:
Ah'm also feelin' like a horrible person because ah'm no' as excited at prospect o' bein' an uncle. Ma cousin's aw upbeat, happy an' smilin'. Me? Ah'm anxious as f**k!
Plus, it doesnae exactly help that she reminded me that me an' ma oldest sister - who on holiday in Greece for a week - used tae be really close efter me sayin' ah dinnae really miss her. I'm a terrible person, amn't ah?
I need to get a good life. I feel like I wasted a good chunk of my life living in waste. I was a trainwreck in the latter half of my life. It was only recently that I've started changing for the better, only to fall back into despair and filth once again. I was doing so well, making so much progress in regards to my social, physical, emotional, and mental states. Now, I'm in danger of falling back into the depression, anger, hatred, etc.
I need to get the heck out of my head, ignore all that stuff in there, and get on with my life. Again, I have to remind myself that I need to get a job, pay bills and loans, help with family issues, work on social skills, wrap up with volunteering, etc. I don't have time for mental dillydallyings. It pains me when I was progressing so well, only to fall back into the daydreaming stuff. And I wonder what I was doing wrong. The OCD and social anxiety makes it more real and much worse. I need to learn how to relax and give myself a break.
I need to get a good life. I feel like I wasted a good chunk of my life living in waste. I was a trainwreck in the latter half of my life. It was only recently that I've started changing for the better, only to fall back into despair and filth once again. I was doing so well, making so much progress in regards to my social, physical, emotional, and mental states. Now, I'm in danger of falling back into the depression, anger, hatred, etc.
I need to get the heck out of my head, ignore all that stuff in there, and get on with my life. Again, I have to remind myself that I need to get a job, pay bills and loans, help with family issues, work on social skills, wrap up with volunteering, etc. I don't have time for mental dillydallyings. It pains me when I was progressing so well, only to fall back into the daydreaming stuff. And I wonder what I was doing wrong. The OCD and social anxiety makes it more real and much worse. I need to learn how to relax and give myself a break.
Are you seeing a therapist? I ask because I've found that resolutions like these rarely work for anyone, myself included. One does not simply walk into Mordor, and one does not simply will themselves into mental health.
I suggest either talking to a doctor or a therapist, or at least taking things very slowly in a more healthy direction until you can talk to one.
That leash will only let you run so far, otherwise.
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