I'm feeling more miserable and alone than I've ever felt in my entire life. These pasts few months have been excruciating. I'm alone everyday. No friends, no job, etc. Not even any online friends. I have a job interview on Monday, though. Even with that exciting news, I still feel sad all the time.
🙁 I'm sorry. You can PM me if you want someone to talk to.
I think I'll just PM you first and if you don't want to talk you can just ignore it.
Ill and in pain. I've been off work for about 3 months because of neck pains and headaches, and it's still no better at all, in fact it's been worse this week, and I go back in about a week to 8 hours a day of sitting at the computer in pain. ALso I seem to have picked up whatever my dad had, as I'm now coughing (which hurts my head), feel cold and weak and tired and will probably be in bed tomorrow I expect.
Also on an unrelated note, why is it whenever I have momentary increases in self confidence and start to say to myself "fu*k what people think, I am who I am", etc... right on cue about 5 minutes later I get at least one of my big itchy red allergic lumps on my face? (I only ever get them on my face of course...) Got two yesterday just when I was starting to feel a bit better about myself.
I can´t take living here at home anymore, it´s so inhuman. I don´t feel like a human anymore, just a bunch of pain. I don´t know what it is, I can´t stand this mercilesness all the time, nobody considers me a human. I am just a thing to be kicked around and shouted at. I don´t know how I am still here alive after years of this torture, called „life“. I am never calm and happy, I always have some kind of tension, sickness and pain in my body and mind. I wonder if it´s because of something I eat, so I am trying to fight with my food regime every day, but always making mistakes. I am fed up with myself, it´s as if I was caught in some stupid circle which I cannot get out of. My father keeps bitching that I got fired because I am impossible and now I only waste water, gas and electricity at home. He always only accuses me and shouts at me all the time, not to mention physical attacks at times, but never helped me even an inch or supported me, or even just said a nice word. Then no wonder I am impossible. But I didn´t do anything wrong in my previous job, I was fired unfairly just because I am too quiet, but otherwise I carried out my tasks well.
I am always trying to pull myself together and do my daily tasks as planned, appointments etc. But I am too desperate in my mind, too deprived and just empty to be able to function like others, so even if I find some other job, I will get fired again.
I do think that life is unfair, it´s obvious. I can see so many people and animals suffering their whole lives, for examle animals reared for fur or food in miserable and stresfull conditions, without any affection or nice word, only to get brutally killed in the end. Some creatures suffer more or a lot, some luckier less, or some are even of those who were born to be happy.
I don´t know if suicide is morally wrong or not, sometimes it seems to be the only logical solution. I find it hard to believe it would be wrong morally, at all. Only I am afraid it could be useless, because some teachings say we are here to resolve some problem and if we commit suicide, we will get born again and will have to go through the same **** all over again. I wish I understood life and why all this useless suffering. It doesn´t make sense somehow, no matter what spiritual teachings say. If it´s in order to improve us, what chance do animals have, if they have to suffer without any chance of „moral improvement“. And not seldom suffering only disables and incapacitates for life. So some creatures just have to accept that their life will be **** from the beginning to the end, without any chance to do anything about it.
But maybe I am just lacking proper perspective.. I´m sure some happy person would come up with a nicer theory.
Yes Graeme has a totally ****ty life as well, according to his posts. How to get out of it.. :sad:
Aye, that's true. But ah get through it as best ah can. Keepin' aw the rage and' resentments bottled up inside. The condesending, patronising comments, still be treat like a kid because am the youngest - it's a pain in the arse! Aaahhh! :kickingmyself:
Oh, and whackin' the f**k outta an electric guitar does some good. But then that probably just me! :bigsmile:
I am experiencing boredom but I think that's good. I am getting used to being busier going somewhere each day. When lost in the depression everything is too much of a chore and I stay home basically memorizing TV commercials. I didn't feel the boredom then.
I am experiencing boredom but I think that's good. I am getting used to being busier going somewhere each day. When lost in the depression everything is too much of a chore and I stay home basically memorizing TV commercials. I didn't feel the boredom then.
I'm in that boredom space right now, too. I remember when I was working full time that I was rarely bored and I'm looking forward to that feeling again.
I can´t take living here at home anymore, it´s so inhuman. I don´t feel like a human anymore, just a bunch of pain. I don´t know what it is, I can´t stand this mercilesness all the time, nobody considers me a human. I am just a thing to be kicked around and shouted at. I don´t know how I am still here alive after years of this torture, called „life“. I am never calm and happy, I always have some kind of tension, sickness and pain in my body and mind. I wonder if it´s because of something I eat, so I am trying to fight with my food regime every day, but always making mistakes. I am fed up with myself, it´s as if I was caught in some stupid circle which I cannot get out of. My father keeps bitching that I got fired because I am impossible and now I only waste water, gas and electricity at home. He always only accuses me and shouts at me all the time, not to mention physical attacks at times, but never helped me even an inch or supported me, or even just said a nice word. Then no wonder I am impossible. But I didn´t do anything wrong in my previous job, I was fired unfairly just because I am too quiet, but otherwise I carried out my tasks well.
I am always trying to pull myself together and do my daily tasks as planned, appointments etc. But I am too desperate in my mind, too deprived and just empty to be able to function like others, so even if I find some other job, I will get fired again.
I do think that life is unfair, it´s obvious. I can see so many people and animals suffering their whole lives, for examle animals reared for fur or food in miserable and stresfull conditions, without any affection or nice word, only to get brutally killed in the end. Some creatures suffer more or a lot, some luckier less, or some are even of those who were born to be happy.
I don´t know if suicide is morally wrong or not, sometimes it seems to be the only logical solution. I find it hard to believe it would be wrong morally, at all. Only I am afraid it could be useless, because some teachings say we are here to resolve some problem and if we commit suicide, we will get born again and will have to go through the same **** all over again. I wish I understood life and why all this useless suffering. It doesn´t make sense somehow, no matter what spiritual teachings say. If it´s in order to improve us, what chance do animals have, if they have to suffer without any chance of „moral improvement“. And not seldom suffering only disables and incapacitates for life. So some creatures just have to accept that their life will be **** from the beginning to the end, without any chance to do anything about it.
But maybe I am just lacking proper perspective.. I´m sure some happy person would come up with a nicer theory.
You have been dealt a seriously crappy deck of cards and your work situation is making you feel even worse. I am so sorry I want to help you find some peace as you deserve but all I can offer is a shoulder. I sent you a mail here, not sure if you read it but know I am thinking of you and can try to be a friend here if you want.
Depressed... Last night my husband and I had a nostalgia night watching old programmes from our childhood on YouTube... Which served to make me feel old, and like I'm on a slippery slope desperately wanting to cling on, but slipping down nonetheless. At the bottom of the slope is old age and death and it's inevitable that the end will get us, whether we reach old age or not. It was sad to see people looking so much younger 20 - 25 years ago, or to know that some of those people are already dead... And to know that it's going to happen to us all....
I know why it bothers me more than most... I've always been terrified of death: When I was just 7 months old my father died, which caused severe depression in my mother for years afterwards... As soon as I was old enough to understand a little (around 3 or so), I was terrified that she would die too and I'd be left on my own. Then I became scared of dying myself... I'm no longer scared of my mother dying, but I'm greatly saddened to think that each day is a step closer to it... and to my own...
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