I can´t take living here at home anymore, it´s so inhuman. I don´t feel like a human anymore, just a bunch of pain. I don´t know what it is, I can´t stand this mercilesness all the time, nobody considers me a human. I am just a thing to be kicked around and shouted at. I don´t know how I am still here alive after years of this torture, called „life“. I am never calm and happy, I always have some kind of tension, sickness and pain in my body and mind. I wonder if it´s because of something I eat, so I am trying to fight with my food regime every day, but always making mistakes. I am fed up with myself, it´s as if I was caught in some stupid circle which I cannot get out of. My father keeps bitching that I got fired because I am impossible and now I only waste water, gas and electricity at home. He always only accuses me and shouts at me all the time, not to mention physical attacks at times, but never helped me even an inch or supported me, or even just said a nice word. Then no wonder I am impossible. But I didn´t do anything wrong in my previous job, I was fired unfairly just because I am too quiet, but otherwise I carried out my tasks well.
I am always trying to pull myself together and do my daily tasks as planned, appointments etc. But I am too desperate in my mind, too deprived and just empty to be able to function like others, so even if I find some other job, I will get fired again.
I do think that life is unfair, it´s obvious. I can see so many people and animals suffering their whole lives, for examle animals reared for fur or food in miserable and stresfull conditions, without any affection or nice word, only to get brutally killed in the end. Some creatures suffer more or a lot, some luckier less, or some are even of those who were born to be happy.
I don´t know if suicide is morally wrong or not, sometimes it seems to be the only logical solution. I find it hard to believe it would be wrong morally, at all. Only I am afraid it could be useless, because some teachings say we are here to resolve some problem and if we commit suicide, we will get born again and will have to go through the same **** all over again. I wish I understood life and why all this useless suffering. It doesn´t make sense somehow, no matter what spiritual teachings say. If it´s in order to improve us, what chance do animals have, if they have to suffer without any chance of „moral improvement“. And not seldom suffering only disables and incapacitates for life. So some creatures just have to accept that their life will be **** from the beginning to the end, without any chance to do anything about it.
But maybe I am just lacking proper perspective.. I´m sure some happy person would come up with a nicer theory.