How are you feeling?

[shakethelight]

I'm so sorry shakethelight, that you're going through this. You're not a loser, you're a wonderful person going through a hard time. I know how you feel.

I appreciate your kindness. I wish there was a more eloquent way to say thank-you. I just can't think straight right now. I never went to sleep. Fun. Anyway, I am sorry that you relate to how I feel. No body deserves to feel such misery.


phoenixx No reason to be sorry. It's not your doings but thank you for such kind words. I am greatful for this website & the people who understand the day to day struggle. And thanks for acknowledging that I am trying to grow as a person.


superfluouslyme Hah, I would never tell anyone to buzz off. My mom is not normal. She can be your best friend one moment. Then it's like she's possessed & needs an excision. She's never gotten any help or anything but she needs it. I guess when it comes down too it, she delt with my fathers alcoholic & absuive behavior. That she has nothing left to give me, she worn out & I am a burden if I want to be realistic. I am 26 with nothing to show for it.


I am sorry that you're going through this as well. I don't understand parents. I think children are like investments & you need to give them the proper tools to grow into healthy productive adults. I do hope your situation gets better though.

 

[shakethelight]

Parties are certainly a situation where you are forced to socialise whether you like it or not. If you've never been to one before, now is a good chance to go and test yourself. You never know: you might actually have some fun!


I'm not sure what the "job thing" is, but why would your mum say that to you? She wants to worry about you, but she refuses to accept your illness. I'm confused.

You say, "...instead of looking within herself for what the real issue is." To me that sounds like your mother is a big reason for your anxieties today. From what you've written, I can kind of see why.

Yeah, it's really confusing. Sorry about that. Basically, my mom loves to have such control over me. If I get healthy then she's faced with the problem that it's not me who was the center of this mess. She needs me to need her. It's sick.

And I wouldn't say she's the center of my issues, it's more like this family is the center of my problems lol. As for the job thing, I have SA and haven't had a "real" job in years. I've been nagged about it time & time again. I just got a nanny job that's probably 15mins away from where I live. I would need her to pick me up because I don't have a car. ( this was all well & good until I actually got the job) then she told me no. She didn't want to do it, find something closer. I don't think she gets it. What she says & what she does is two different things.

oh, yeah I've been to parties before. I used to have a decent social life before I got sober. What a need is a lobotomy.

 

[Graeme1988]

I've got a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy session tomorrow. Probably going to be my last. I don't feel it really help me any. :: Which sucks...

 

[shakethelight]

I've got a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy session tomorrow. Probably going to be my last. I don't feel it really help me any. :: Which sucks...

Don't give up!! Change doesn't happen over night-it didn't take you weeks to develop SA/depression. So it's not going to be resolved in a few sessions. I understand the fustration when it comes with therapy, we want instant gratification. Therapy only works if you are willing to put the effort into it. Maybe CBT isn't for your or maybe you aren't connecting with your therapist. If that's the case then change therapist. At least give yourself a reasonable timeline (I'd say six months) to see if you made any improvements.

 

[Graeme1988]

Don't give up!! Change doesn't happen over night-it didn't take you weeks to develop SA/depression. So it's not going to be resolved in a few sessions. I understand the fustration when it comes with therapy, we want instant gratification. Therapy only works if you are willing to put the effort into it. Maybe CBT isn't for your or maybe you aren't connecting with your therapist. If that's the case then change therapist. At least give yourself a reasonable timeline (I'd say six months) to see if you made any improvements.

I know, but I just feel that every week it's same ol' f***in' story, to be honest with ye, shakethelight. Half the time I can't even explain exactly why I feel anxious - I just do! I know, I'm being completely f***in' irrational! Nothing bad gonnae happen, if I go outside, I'm perfectly aware of that. And yet... I feel really anxious.

I think I fear being judged, negative? So much so I feel incapable of opening up about my feelings. Can't even talk about how much my father's death has affected me because it's too upsetting for me. That's despite it being... nearly or just 3 months since he pasted away.

My mother seems to think my SA, depression and confidence issues are down to her and how she raised me. I agreed with her, in so much as, her pessimism/negativity has effect how I see myself. But then, she didn't have much luck in treating her own depression through therapy, decided to go on anti-depressants. I don't judge her for it, I'm just weary of taking medication, that's all.

So it could very well be genetic, I don't know...

 

[twiggle]

I didn't know you were dating! Go twiggle! Sometimes we can't choose when or why we start dating, so just take it as it is. Maybe you're not looking for anything long-term in your heart, so just have fun and maybe something more serious will develop in the future. You're a lovely girl so I hope it continues to go well.

Because yesterday was the first date so I haven't mentioned it before ::

Who knows where it'll lead, I like him but right now I'm definitely not sure if I want anything serious and I detected that he might be after something that is. I figure if I'm just honest with him about my feelings and any apprehensions every step of the way then things will be okay, it'll either work or it won't.

 

[MikeyC]

Yeah, it's really confusing. Sorry about that. Basically, my mom loves to have such control over me. If I get healthy then she's faced with the problem that it's not me who was the center of this mess. She needs me to need her. It's sick.

And I wouldn't say she's the center of my issues, it's more like this family is the center of my problems lol. As for the job thing, I have SA and haven't had a "real" job in years. I've been nagged about it time & time again. I just got a nanny job that's probably 15mins away from where I live. I would need her to pick me up because I don't have a car. ( this was all well & good until I actually got the job) then she told me no. She didn't want to do it, find something closer. I don't think she gets it. What she says & what she does is two different things.

Wow. 15 minutes isn't that far away. It sounded like she was able to pick you up, but unwilling. I don't even know what to say here. I'm really sorry. ::

I've got a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy session tomorrow. Probably going to be my last. I don't feel it really help me any. :: Which sucks...

As shakethelight said: don't give up! It took me 7 months before I found any sort of improvement from my therapy sessions. Unfortunately, these things take a lot of time and a lot of patience.

Because yesterday was the first date so I haven't mentioned it before ::

Who knows where it'll lead, I like him but right now I'm definitely not sure if I want anything serious and I detected that he might be after something that is. I figure if I'm just honest with him about my feelings and any apprehensions every step of the way then things will be okay, it'll either work or it won't.

Perfect! Be honest with him and let your feelings and intentions known. If he doesn't like that, you can be sure to know that you were honest the whole time. Either way I hope the relationship, no matter how long it goes for, is a successful and awesome one!

 

[Graeme1988]

As shakethelight said: don't give up! It took me 7 months before I found any sort of improvement from my therapy sessions. Unfortunately, these things take a lot of time and a lot of patience.

Whilst I agree with what you and shakethelight said, Mikey. My frustration comes from being asked the same questions, as I said. Maybe I fear my therapist's judgement.

I think my uncomfortableness about opening up, emotionally, comes from the fact my mother becomes emotionally distant when I do. Or we just end up having an argument. So, I internalise my feelings a lot of the time. Keep things to myself.

I know I really shouldn't.

 

[JuiceB]

Being dependent on pills is not a good thing and I hope it really doesn't come to that. I understand why you would want to take them, as they make you very calm and you're at your best under its influence, but overuse can't be good.

It's the same with me except its not pills, its alcohol. Yeah I know alcohol is probably the worst thing I should be doing and I have made great progress to cut down on drinking. I use to drink everyday but made a resolution to cut back and begin working out everyday instead. But still every now and then the stress and anxiety gets so bad that I feel I have to have one.

 

[Starry]

Nostalgic and a little unhappy... Why must people change for the worse? Why did someone I was once so close to have to become so callous?

Ah well, I was only put in this mood by a song... This section to be exact:

"This is a fool`s tale
Tripping up
Spinning round and around
Try to walk
Beyond words of the wise
Then reach a place too high
Show them you can fly
And dream until you hit the ground....

Don`t offer sympathy
When you`ve just walked away
Don`t play apologies
And sentimental games
I stood before the world
And gave you my heart
And it may never beat again!

Don`t give me hollow tears
Or empty cries of shame
Don`t try to turn away
By throwing me the blame
I stood before the world
And gave you my soul
And now I`m living in the rain!" (Arena - Tears in the Rain)

But it was I who walked away... *Sigh* Although, I am soothed a little by the thought that it was my fiend who killed the friendship, I just finalised it...

 

[Facethefear]

An awful day - I have a stomach flu or something like it and I never get sick. It came on fast last night and I have been in my pj's all day. No energy - dreary - feeling miserable. Hot and cold. I have not taken a sick day in 8.5 years.

 

[coyote]

An awful day - I have a stomach flu or something like it and I never get sick. It came on fast last night and I have been in my pj's all day. No energy - dreary - feeling miserable. Hot and cold. I have not taken a sick day in 8.5 years.

sounds awful - sorry

something you ate maybe?

 

[Facethefear]

^ I wish I knew. I hate feeling weak. I went to the road today in my pj's to retrieve my recyling bin from yesterday and hardly made it back. It is 110 steps to the road and the same number back to my home. Now my dog wants his walk....

 

[shakethelight]

I know, but I just feel that every week it's same ol' f***in' story, to be honest with ye, shakethelight. Half the time I can't even explain exactly why I feel anxious - I just do! I know, I'm being completely f***in' irrational! Nothing bad gonnae happen, if I go outside, I'm perfectly aware of that. And yet... I feel really anxious.

I think I fear being judged, negative? So much so I feel incapable of opening up about my feelings. Can't even talk about how much my father's death has affected me because it's too upsetting for me. That's despite it being... nearly or just 3 months since he pasted away.

My mother seems to think my SA, depression and confidence issues are down to her and how she raised me. I agreed with her, in so much as, her pessimism/negativity has effect how I see myself. But then, she didn't have much luck in treating her own depression through therapy, decided to go on anti-depressants. I don't judge her for it, I'm just weary of taking medication, that's all.

So it could very well be genetic, I don't know...

I haven't slept so please bare with me- my thoughts might seem a little scattered.

I think you articulate yourself very well on this site. Maybe if you kept a daily log of your feelings & triggers it might be helpful to you & your therapist. I remember when I first started seening who I see now, she would ask me the same questions & I would feel really weird like "yah she totally thinks I need to be in a straight jacket." The more I go the easier it is for me to talk about the harder issues.

You are not alone with irrational thinking- the emotional side of your brain just needs to collide with the logical side. It's not impossible, try positive self talk. And, let's be honest people are too consumed with themselves to really bother with anyone else. That's what I tell myself. "Who cares if they don't find me attractive or I do something stupid." Honestly what is the worst thing that could happen? I am only human, and so are you.

I am very sorry about your Father- I hope you do continue to see someone & work through those issues. You seem like such a lovely person who is worthy of happiness. Try not to compare your moms expierence to yours. That's not giving it a real chance.

and, I hope I don't seem like I am shoving therapy down your throat. It's your choice obviously. I just want you to know it can get better but it takes time.

 

[Alone97]

Well it's been a while since I've been on this but lately I've been feeling really paranoid and I seem to get angry really easily. I know, I know I'm a just an angry teenager blah blah blah but it doesn't feel right! And I have a friend who's been telling everyone she has an eating disorder which isn't true and she goes around attention seeking pretending there's something wrong with her! Well some of us have real problems why would she want to have problems like that? I've had weight and confidence issues for years attempting to make myself sick after meals, why would she want to be like that? Feel so low sometimes you think of ending it all, having only one friend? Why would you want to have those problems when her life is great? Okay rant over, I needed that

 

[Graeme1988]

I haven't slept so please bare with me- my thoughts might seem a little scattered.

I think you articulate yourself very well on this site. Maybe if you kept a daily log of your feelings & triggers it might be helpful to you & your therapist. I remember when I first started seening who I see now, she would ask me the same questions & I would feel really weird like "yah she totally thinks I need to be in a straight jacket." The more I go the easier it is for me to talk about the harder issues.

You are not alone with irrational thinking- the emotional side of your brain just needs to collide with the logical side. It's not impossible, try positive self talk. And, let's be honest people are too consumed with themselves to really bother with anyone else. That's what I tell myself. "Who cares if they don't find me attractive or I do something stupid." Honestly what is the worst thing that could happen? I am only human, and so are you.

I am very sorry about your Father- I hope you do continue to see someone & work through those issues. You seem like such a lovely person who is worthy of happiness. Try not to compare your moms expierence to yours. That's not giving it a real chance.

and, I hope I don't seem like I am shoving therapy down your throat. It's your choice obviously. I just want you to know it can get better but it takes time.

No, no, not at all. Needed to hear that, actually. Good to get someone else's perspective on therapy. Actually, I actually keeping a journal for much of last year (coincidentally, after I'd had a huge row with my dad and cut contact with him) but it kinda been on and off throughout much of this year. Not that it wasn't helping, I just didn't really write in it as often.

Amd I'm not trying to compare my mum's experience with my own. It's just made me aware that you stop seeking help after a therapist says something harsh to yoy. I don't know maybe... Maybe I'm expecting too much from my sessions.

I mean, opening up about my dad would be difficult, anyway, since we - not only - didn't get along. We didn't even take the time to get to know one another. He seemed more interesting in me going to university and studying something I had no interest in (accounting); than actually getting to know me!

^Sorry for that wee rant there. Clearly, unresolved issues

 

[Phoenixx]

Absolutely crappy. I'm exhausted and I'm feeling that urge again to just ignore everyone for a while. I try to ignore that urge though, because I feel worse and it only hurts me more in the long run when I close myself off.

 

[shakethelight]

No, no, not at all. Needed to hear that, actually. Good to get someone else's perspective on therapy. Actually, I actually keeping a journal for much of last year (coincidentally, after I'd had a huge row with my dad and cut contact with him) but it kinda been on and off throughout much of this year. Not that it wasn't helping, I just didn't really write in it as often.

Amd I'm not trying to compare my mum's experience with my own. It's just made me aware that you stop seeking help after a therapist says something harsh to yoy. I don't know maybe... Maybe I'm expecting too much from my sessions.

I mean, opening up about my dad would be difficult, anyway, since we - not only - didn't get along. We didn't even take the time to get to know one another. He seemed more interesting in me going to university and studying something I had no interest in (accounting); than actually getting to know me!

^Sorry for that wee rant there. Clearly, unresolved issues

I can understand your apprehension about therapy - it can be really scary when you start peeling back the layers that you've repressed for so long.
I really wish I could say something insightful here & help you. But, try to give it some time, don't force it and talk about things that you feel comfortable about.

My heart goes out to you with the loss of your father. I think until you resolve that part of your life, you will never really be free. I hope wherever this journey takes you it's somewhere great. and please inbox me if you ever want to talk.

 

[shakethelight]

Absolutely crappy. I'm exhausted and I'm feeling that urge again to just ignore everyone for a while. I try to ignore that urge though, because I feel worse and it only hurts me more in the long run when I close myself off.

Oh nooooes. I always have that urge. I hope you feel better, I have found that showers are the cure all to such terrible days.

 

[Graeme1988]

I can understand your apprehension about therapy - it can be really scary when you start peeling back the layers that you've repressed for so long.
I really wish I could say something insightful here & help you. But, try to give it some time, don't force it and talk about things that you feel comfortable about.

My heart goes out to you with the loss of your father. I think until you resolve that part of your life, you will never really be free. I hope wherever this journey takes you it's somewhere great. and please inbox me if you ever want to talk.

Okay, thanks.