Therapy was good today, but I'm not sure if I got all of what I wanted out of it. I tried to explain my obsessing. I tend to obsess about my problems a lot. Especially if it's interfering with my life, which the whole looking for work thing currently is. Yesterday I felt so horrible, partly because job searching is ripping me apart. Even with things in my area starting to reopen, there's nothing out there for my field. The only position I found that I thought I was qualified for* was at a local nursing facility. I spent 3 hours on my cover letter alone, 1 hour researching the company to gain whatever information I could to see if I would even want to work there and what it's like, spent nearly 1 hour on the application, then spent another hour trying to email management and get answers after having issues with the website where the job application was. Then after that fiasco I spent the entire day a mess over how stupid everything was, how unprofessional I felt over the whole thing (although looking back I did do the right thing), and how I feel like I'm never going to wind up working in my field under someone else and I'm going to have to literally make my own path.
(*Side note: After all that bullshit I went through the job that I thought I was qualified for and applied for wasn't even correctly labeled. -_- Meaning the company advertised a position that wasn't even the correct position they had available, so I was "overqualified" for said position and apologized for the confusion. *face palm*)
I literally wasted nearly a whole day over one single job application, to the point where I forgot to feed my cat and do anything else around the house. My therapist didn't even seem worried about this. She tried to relate to me how we get to competing within ourselves and trying to please ourselves, and how that can really mess with us and that I just need to literally stop myself from thinking about it. She thinks my higher standards came about when I was a child. She's not wrong, I know they are. But I feel like maybe there's something more here than just depression and anxiety. I wasn't able to get to that last statement. I did ask why exactly do I react the way that I do. She just said it's the way my brain is wired and past experiences influenced that. I'm sure they have, but I just feel like something's missing. Higher standards being forced on me as a child doesn't totally explain when I have a problem it's the only thing I think about for hours and sometimes days on end that I literally can't control and I wind up neglecting everything else in my life. I also tried explaining this that I cannot control what goes on in my head sometimes. It just is. I don't think she understood me though.
