I've had a bad day today. I just kinda gave up. I've got lots of things I should be working on but sometimes I just feel.....ergh.....so tired and defeated and like, what's the point? But I feel like this sadness that I feel right now, I feel like it's the truth. It's trying to tell me something, and all my other days when I go about my daily chores, they're just a cover. A way to block out the sound of days like today. I just feel so utterly defeated by life. I feel so f***ing sad man. And kinda pissed off too. I feel so lonely, and I know it's wrong to indulge in self pity but I just haven't got the energy to censor myself right now. I know I should think positively. I know there are answers out there that have pulled me out of this hole before, but it's like I don't want to hear all that crap again. All that pseudo faith and gratitude bullshit. I demand a real answer right now, from my maker. Why do I feel so shitty? Why do I feel like the world has forgotten me? Why do I feel like I've been missed out? Haven't I been trying hard enough? What about all the good things I've done, and all the sacrifices I've made? All the hours of effort? Where's the payoff? What was it all for?
It's weird cause I know what's gonna happen. I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and start afresh and put this day behind me, and I'm gonna think to myself, "look, you have a choice in life. You can either wallow in self pity and misery, or you can just give life a go. Just jump in and get messy and see what happens". And that's what I'll probably do. I'll start the wheels churning all over again, until another week or two when it all grinds to a halt again like today.
I really worry that my social problems are the root of most of my malaise. This constant feeling of disconnection with other people. I feel like what people mean to me is changing. Other people are becoming like data processing machines to me. I only interact when I have information that needs transferring. All around me are faces brushing past me. My soul is full up with a beautiful haze but nobody knows it. Other people moaning about their bosses, complaining about money, all hustling down the wrong avenues in the wrong directions. I dunno, I've lost my train of thought