Have you ever tried to get a girlfriend or boyfriend?
- Thread starter IamThisOne
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Oftentimes, having a partner is a really unplanned thing. I have never mapped it out and said to myself "right, I'm going to socialize at school and then such and such will happen." I do like what Coyote has said in the thread so far. You have to expand your network as much as possible and then sit back without becoming too fixated on one person on any single outcome.
With SA, life is like being in a bumper car without anyone else around - there's nobody to bump into, so you never have any opportunities to let accidental chemistry and spontaneous situations take over, which is precisely what you need in order to get a result.
The other thing to bear in mind is that 'girlfriend' is more or less the last stop on the train of relationships - there's acquaintances, friends, drinking buddies, f*ck buddies, and a bunch more that I'm sure I've forgotten. The only one beyond 'girlfriend' is 'wife'. So instead of always looking for the end result, try to get to one of the earlier stages first. In many instances, doing so is in fact a prerequisite for a girlfriend.
With SA, life is like being in a bumper car without anyone else around - there's nobody to bump into, so you never have any opportunities to let accidental chemistry and spontaneous situations take over, which is precisely what you need in order to get a result.
The other thing to bear in mind is that 'girlfriend' is more or less the last stop on the train of relationships - there's acquaintances, friends, drinking buddies, f*ck buddies, and a bunch more that I'm sure I've forgotten. The only one beyond 'girlfriend' is 'wife'. So instead of always looking for the end result, try to get to one of the earlier stages first. In many instances, doing so is in fact a prerequisite for a girlfriend.
Rembrandt Broam
Well-known member
lunaticbinge
Well-known member
Never had a girlfriend. My only experience was a drunken one night stand when i was 18. My only priority right now is finding work. At this point, i couldn't possible care less about a relationship. Don't understand the whole "love" thing anyway.
Luke1993
Well-known member
Making connections....how should someone go about this? What should you do to start the conversation and then "cement" friendship?
Waybuloo
Well-known member
No, I never tried to get a girlfriend or boyfriend. I never actually had the interest, and when I did have the interest I didn't have the confidence. No one had interest in me anyway.
I don't really know what you can do, for people in our situation the internet, forums, online gaming etc offer a good option to get to know people without the fear invovled in face to face meeting. If I were you I'd find a girl who also has some sort of anxiety issue so she would understand, but they don't necessarily would just take anyone either. I just think it'll remove a barrier in the getting to know you part and in the approaching. For the most part I've found that anxiety free people don't want to be involved, they might want to be your friend but they don't want someone unstable.
I don't really know what you can do, for people in our situation the internet, forums, online gaming etc offer a good option to get to know people without the fear invovled in face to face meeting. If I were you I'd find a girl who also has some sort of anxiety issue so she would understand, but they don't necessarily would just take anyone either. I just think it'll remove a barrier in the getting to know you part and in the approaching. For the most part I've found that anxiety free people don't want to be involved, they might want to be your friend but they don't want someone unstable.
See a lot of these type of threads here.
Want, why, how, how long, which way, looks, likes, confused.
Ah, yes.
Answer: How can one begin to try when oneself must be brutally fought with? No amount of help, training for moment, strength will be enough for this fight. Not for me anyway.
Reiterate: tight rooted fear building inside. Ready to be fed. Constant knocking in the head.
Want, why, how, how long, which way, looks, likes, confused.
Ah, yes.
Answer: How can one begin to try when oneself must be brutally fought with? No amount of help, training for moment, strength will be enough for this fight. Not for me anyway.
Reiterate: tight rooted fear building inside. Ready to be fed. Constant knocking in the head.
Felgen
Well-known member
I think the mistake many people with anxiety has made when it comes to dating, is to give up after getting started on the wrong foot. I made the same mistake myself; it started by me thinking that women would approach men as often as men approached women.
I was embarassed to say that I had never really had a girlfriend at the age of 15 (allthough I had been in three non-serious relationships), and by the age of 18, I more or less gave up. At the age of 20, I realized that most 15 year olds have never had a serious relationship and that a man has to make the first move. I just got out of my first serious relationship, and while having a girlfriend is good, you shouldn't have one because you 'need' one. Satan from South Park is the prototype of someone who 'needs' a significant other to feel good.
A lot of guys have something to offer a girl; they just don't know it yet.
I was embarassed to say that I had never really had a girlfriend at the age of 15 (allthough I had been in three non-serious relationships), and by the age of 18, I more or less gave up. At the age of 20, I realized that most 15 year olds have never had a serious relationship and that a man has to make the first move. I just got out of my first serious relationship, and while having a girlfriend is good, you shouldn't have one because you 'need' one. Satan from South Park is the prototype of someone who 'needs' a significant other to feel good.
A lot of guys have something to offer a girl; they just don't know it yet.
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lunaticbinge
Well-known member
Exactly. If you aren't comfortable with yourself how could you ever expect anyone else to be?
panicsurvivor
Well-known member
I agree with kinetic, looking for a Girlfriend is probably not the best thing for you. For one thing you need to find a friend before she can be your girlfriend. In my expieriance there are only two ways to get a girlfriend. She is your friend and becomes your girlfriend, Or you find each other sexually attractive and **** alot, and then she becomes your girlfriend. The second requires a lot more social adeptness, and generally requires alot of hunting in public places.
The first is alot easier and less stressful.
Or you could try dating online!!!
I have no expieriance with that at all, but I guess some people here do it. And say its cool.
The first is alot easier and less stressful.
Or you could try dating online!!!
I have no expieriance with that at all, but I guess some people here do it. And say its cool.
Even though this thread has been very helpful, I just give up 
Hmm, that website seems to be only for people with diagnosed mental illness.. I'm not sure social anxiety even is a mental illness? (Or that mine would be severe enough to qualify? It's just present in certain situations, which I usually can handle if I must then..)
Also, not sure if I'd feel comfortable on a site with only people with a mental illness.. I think SA is not such a big deal, some of the others may seem a bit scary though..
Though I like the part about not having to explain things, sigh...
I had dates where I had to explain my work situation and they wished me to 'get a job' ... /sigh/ I don't want to just get jobs, I want to create jobs... Or live from passive income..
Too rich men scare me too, though... Don't want to be too dependent on anyone..
And yes, I had a boyfriend and dates in the past.. It just sort of happened.. I've never really 'tried to get' anyone.. (I mean I did, but it was more wishful thinking and dressing up nicely and such, lol Or just appearing where one could sort of meet or bump into people.. hm, maybe I forgot some of it, lol) and of course there was chatting and flirting.. There was a bunch of one-sided crushes too (and sometimes those were mutual too, lol) There was one big crush that didn't happen, but it taught me how to love someone.. :
:As to how to find someone, how about some volunteering or interesting workshops/courses? I've met some interesting people there.. So far no romantic interests, in the future, who knows? (Depends where you volunteer and what you do too..) There are lists how to meet people online and in books (depending on where you live and who you want to meet etc)
As I sort of live in the middle of nowhere too and am not very sportsy (that's where most people hang out) and don't like drinking or smoking or such either.. One online list says to organize or volunteer at interesting events then. We'll see, maybe..
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Damaged
Well-known member
Erm i've had boyfriends before my agoraphobia and i had a boyfriend during it too, but i wouldnt try and get one now as i don't wanna put anyone through my issues or problems because its so hard to make people understand what agoraphobia is.
I can see how it might be harder for guys though to get a girlfriend, all i'd say is if you see a girl you like whether its in the supermarket, at the cinema, in the park etc whats the harm in asking her for her number or facebook. Theres no harm in asking or trying and if she says no, i don't think that'd tear you down because you'd be happy with the progress you made to actually speak to a girl and it'd give you a confident boost.
I'd say something funny to start of with or even a compliment, that always wins a girl around or at least makes her smile/laugh.
I know it must be hard to approach women, but you just have to think positive about yourself and think that someone out there will wanna be with you and might just be looking for you too
I can see how it might be harder for guys though to get a girlfriend, all i'd say is if you see a girl you like whether its in the supermarket, at the cinema, in the park etc whats the harm in asking her for her number or facebook. Theres no harm in asking or trying and if she says no, i don't think that'd tear you down because you'd be happy with the progress you made to actually speak to a girl and it'd give you a confident boost.
I'd say something funny to start of with or even a compliment, that always wins a girl around or at least makes her smile/laugh.
I know it must be hard to approach women, but you just have to think positive about yourself and think that someone out there will wanna be with you and might just be looking for you too
I've never tried to get a boyfriend, the 3 relationships I've had were mostly the guy being persistent. And I have no idea how to even make friends, the only people (other than online) that I would remotely call "friends" are just people that I get along well with at work (and I've worked with them literally for years, it took that long to get to the chatting/joking stage), but we never do anything outside of work. Networking and making "connections" is beyond me.
crunch-yogurt
Well-known member
ive never tried to get a girlfriend. just never had the guts to ask someone out. I didnt even go to the debs(irish equlivelant of prom) because i just never bothered to ask someone. just kinda figured that no one would want to be seen dead with me.
IamThisOne
Well-known member
Stalk the aisles of the grocery store until I find a suitable female and pounce on her?