Just when I build up my confidence, it gets knocked right back down again. Just when I think I got the gist of something, apparently I don't. I am so tired of struggling at work. I was feeling really good lately, but last week was a hard week. I thought I could do it, I did it, but apparently I f-ed up on the paperwork. It was basically "fraudulent" even though, of course, I didn't intend it to be. Apparently what I thought I understood wasn't understood correctly and I f-ed up. Thankfully I got a pass, but still.
I really f-ed up. I don't know why I can't remember things correctly either. Is it my depression? Is it my hatred of this job that is making me not give a crap subconsciously, therefore I'm making mistakes I'm not even catching? I feel like there's something wrong with me and that I'm never going to get the hang of anything. But I also don't understand why I couldn't go through these motions sooner so I could actually have room to make mistakes before officially handing in paperwork. Like, let me do the paperwork, but have someone else double check EVERYTHING before handing it in. Why wasn't this ever an option? Why was most of my training in the beginning all watching, then throwing me in to sink or swim? I don't freaking get it.
Was having a good couple weeks with my coworker too, then it was back to square one today because we had a double production to squeeze in a very short time-frame. It was stressful. I wasn't expecting it to be easy. But jumping all over my shit needs to stop. If you can't be an adult and handle your emotions under stress then why are you working with others? Especially those with disabilities of all things. Before I could even supervise someone today and call someone else over while I was in the middle of assembly, I was told, "If you can't tell someone to do something, then this isn't going to work." I could not rush fast enough or be the asshole she wanted me to be today. I refuse to be the supervisor who barks and yells at others to my command to do something. If I have to put someone in line, I will. I have already before and had to today. But again, I refuse to raise my voice and I refuse to swear at them. You do NOT treat people like that. People are people, each with their very own lives inside and outside of work. If you can't see that and only see them as others to do your bidding and get a job done, then you're not a leader and don't deserve to be in a position like that.
On a side note, I came across a job opening today for another company looking for a lab technician. I believe it pays more (didn't see a wage/salary given on the job description), but it does offer benefits and is closer to where I live. It's a much bigger company as well, no where near as small as where I'm at. But the scheduling is a little all over the place. Basically you work a standard shift, then fill in as needed so holidays, weekends, etc. as it's a 24/7 operation.
A part of me wants to apply and say screw this. However, I also feel like I don't deserve -- and it's not fair to anyone -- to just up and leave what I have now just because it's so difficult, if I did get this job. Even with everything being as hard as it is, I'm still in the learning phase. I was told that I wanted to be "invested in" and so far I've been learning quite a bit, even with all these stupid mistakes and the training being so horrible. They did pay for the entire certification course I needed, so there's that. My resume looks decent, but could benefit from another job listing of a year or more. My last job was only 6 months -- although I left for major health reasons. And I've only been at this job 5 months so far. *sigh* I really don't know what to do. I feel so stuck and miserable.
. What you said sometimes happens to me with close friends, like if our last time together is not as good as the previous one is because "our friendship is deteriorating". Tho I don't let those thoughts affect me much.
Today I made a flourless chocolate torte. I was a lucky person to receive some gourmet chocolate a couple months ago from work that a customer was no longer using, but was still good. (Michel Cluizel to be exact -- shit is $$$$ but beautiful to work with!) I brought it home and immediately stashed it in my cupboard and hid it from the chocoholic that lives with me so he wouldn't dip into it, waiting for the perfect recipe to use it in. Used that today in the torte and ughhhhhh.... It turned out so good. 
Of course I still have plenty left. I see a chocolate ganache tart with a hazelnut crust being made in the near future.... 
FUCK !! 
C'mon Graeme! Get it together, man...
