Post your random thoughts/feelings etc

F0AM

Well-known member
What do you mean by surpasses your capabilities? Otherwise, I often feel what you've described. And when I do get enough attention, I'm always afraid of losing the same level of attention in future meetings.
Hey Modern, sorry for the late reply. I mean that I feel overwhelmed 🙂. What you said sometimes happens to me with close friends, like if our last time together is not as good as the previous one is because "our friendship is deteriorating". Tho I don't let those thoughts affect me much.

I'm well aware that most of the time, when our relationship with someone isn't (or think it ain't) "as good as it was" it doesn't necessarily mean that is because of us. Is always good to talk things out tho.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Hey Modern, sorry for the late reply. I mean that I feel overwhelmed 🙂. What you said sometimes happens to me with close friends, like if our last time together is not as good as the previous one is because "our friendship is deteriorating". Tho I don't let those thoughts affect me much.

I'm well aware that most of the time, when our relationship with someone isn't (or think it ain't) "as good as it was" it doesn't necessarily mean that is because of us. Is always good to talk things out tho.
I've found that the "deterioration" is usually due to me thinking it's "deteriorating" and then acting accordingly, which inevitably makes the relationship worse. Wish I wouldn't compare each individual encounter with one another. Thanks for clarifying.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I'm getting back into cooking and baking again and trying new recipes. Have been for a couple weeks now, but really went at it this week. I feel like I'm finding myself again and it feels so good. ☺️ Today I made a flourless chocolate torte. I was a lucky person to receive some gourmet chocolate a couple months ago from work that a customer was no longer using, but was still good. (Michel Cluizel to be exact -- shit is $$$$ but beautiful to work with!) I brought it home and immediately stashed it in my cupboard and hid it from the chocoholic that lives with me so he wouldn't dip into it, waiting for the perfect recipe to use it in. Used that today in the torte and ughhhhhh.... It turned out so good. 🤤😋 Of course I still have plenty left. I see a chocolate ganache tart with a hazelnut crust being made in the near future.... 🤔
 

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FountainandFairfax

the only prescription is more cowbell
I'm getting back into cooking and baking again and trying new recipes. Have been for a couple weeks now, but really went at it this week. I feel like I'm finding myself again and it feels so good. ☺️ Today I made a flourless chocolate torte. I was a lucky person to receive some gourmet chocolate a couple months ago from work that a customer was no longer using, but was still good. (Michel Cluizel to be exact -- shit is $$$$ but beautiful to work with!) I brought it home and immediately stashed it in my cupboard and hid it from the chocoholic that lives with me so he wouldn't dip into it, waiting for the perfect recipe to use it in. Used that today in the torte and ughhhhhh.... It turned out so good. 🤤😋 Of course I still have plenty left. I see a chocolate ganache tart with a hazelnut crust being made in the near future.... 🤔
I wonder how well a slice of that would do in the mail? XD
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. It's been a hell of a long week. Been having to go into work an hour early everyday to do the same exact production to get numbers caught up from when equipment was down for nearly 3 weeks prior. On top of that we have had some pretty bad weather which has made traveling in the mornings difficult. Yay for winter!
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Just when I build up my confidence, it gets knocked right back down again. Just when I think I got the gist of something, apparently I don't. I am so tired of struggling at work. I was feeling really good lately, but last week was a hard week. I thought I could do it, I did it, but apparently I f-ed up on the paperwork. It was basically "fraudulent" even though, of course, I didn't intend it to be. Apparently what I thought I understood wasn't understood correctly and I f-ed up. Thankfully I got a pass, but still. I really f-ed up. I don't know why I can't remember things correctly either. Is it my depression? Is it my hatred of this job that is making me not give a crap subconsciously, therefore I'm making mistakes I'm not even catching? I feel like there's something wrong with me and that I'm never going to get the hang of anything. But I also don't understand why I couldn't go through these motions sooner so I could actually have room to make mistakes before officially handing in paperwork. Like, let me do the paperwork, but have someone else double check EVERYTHING before handing it in. Why wasn't this ever an option? Why was most of my training in the beginning all watching, then throwing me in to sink or swim? I don't freaking get it.

Was having a good couple weeks with my coworker too, then it was back to square one today because we had a double production to squeeze in a very short time-frame. It was stressful. I wasn't expecting it to be easy. But jumping all over my shit needs to stop. If you can't be an adult and handle your emotions under stress then why are you working with others? Especially those with disabilities of all things. Before I could even supervise someone today and call someone else over while I was in the middle of assembly, I was told, "If you can't tell someone to do something, then this isn't going to work." I could not rush fast enough or be the asshole she wanted me to be today. I refuse to be the supervisor who barks and yells at others to my command to do something. If I have to put someone in line, I will. I have already before and had to today. But again, I refuse to raise my voice and I refuse to swear at them. You do NOT treat people like that. People are people, each with their very own lives inside and outside of work. If you can't see that and only see them as others to do your bidding and get a job done, then you're not a leader and don't deserve to be in a position like that.

On a side note, I came across a job opening today for another company looking for a lab technician. I believe it pays more (didn't see a wage/salary given on the job description), but it does offer benefits and is closer to where I live. It's a much bigger company as well, no where near as small as where I'm at. But the scheduling is a little all over the place. Basically you work a standard shift, then fill in as needed so holidays, weekends, etc. as it's a 24/7 operation.

A part of me wants to apply and say screw this. However, I also feel like I don't deserve -- and it's not fair to anyone -- to just up and leave what I have now just because it's so difficult, if I did get this job. Even with everything being as hard as it is, I'm still in the learning phase. I was told that I wanted to be "invested in" and so far I've been learning quite a bit, even with all these stupid mistakes and the training being so horrible. They did pay for the entire certification course I needed, so there's that. My resume looks decent, but could benefit from another job listing of a year or more. My last job was only 6 months -- although I left for major health reasons. And I've only been at this job 5 months so far. *sigh* I really don't know what to do. I feel so stuck and miserable. :(
 
However, I also feel like I don't deserve -- and it's not fair to anyone -- to just up and leave what I have now just because it's so difficult, if I did get this job. Even with everything being as hard as it is, I'm still in the learning phase. I was told that I wanted to be "invested in" and so far I've been learning quite a bit, even with all these stupid mistakes and the training being so horrible. They did pay for the entire certification course I needed, so there's that.
Not saying you should (or shouldn't) quit your job or anything, that's obviously something you should think about for yourself, but you need to take care of yourself. You don't owe them anything. If they want people to stay, they need to make a work environment worth staying in.

You're able to do more good for the world (and yourself) if you're not miserable every day. Never hurts to shop around a bit.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Not saying you should (or shouldn't) quit your job or anything, that's obviously something you should think about for yourself, but you need to take care of yourself. You don't owe them anything. If they want people to stay, they need to make a work environment worth staying in.

You're able to do more good for the world (and yourself) if you're not miserable every day. Never hurts to shop around a bit.
I know. I completely agree. I mean, it just sucks because I don't really hate them, just hate the environment. My coworker can be a complete asshat, yes. But my other coworkers are pretty decent to work with. My boss isn't the best manager around, and can even be condescending at times, but she at least does somewhat try to make things better. Even if she isn't good at it, she at least tries. I'll give her credit for that.
I agree with Pyro, if you're absolutely miserable I'd be looking around. Your mental health isn't worth it.
I'm keeping my eyes open. I looked at that job posting again today. I'm really tempted to apply, see if I can at least get into an interview if anything. I told myself I would stick this out a year. I wanted to, a part of me still wants to even. Just to get more experience under my belt and to add another decent job description to my resume. But for as much as I do in this job, as many little things I have to take care of, I don't get paid anywhere near as much as I should be. I feel like my official job title doesn't even match the job description and what I'm doing. I'm a supervisor, not a coordinator. I don't even coordinate anything. I don't schedule anything, I don't plan anything. I'm told a schedule, told what needs to be produced, then I do it and direct others to help. I don't do certain jobs as they are passed to others. I attend meetings and other trainings and that's it.

I also don't want to burn bridges getting a new job. I burned bridges with my last job -- for good reason, but still. I have a good job record otherwise and really want to keep it that way. I also don't want to feel like I'm settling into "grass is greener" syndrome. Will this other job I'm eyeing really be better? It's more hours, and the schedule will probably be all over the place, so there goes even less time being home or seeing my partner. With warmer weather coming, having a longer schedule will definitely eat into personal time spent with gardening and hobby farming -- something I'm already trying to expand with. But alas, the money I'm making now isn't supporting my personal goals. It's barely paying the loans I'm trying really hard to pay entirely off this year. I don't have much left on them, but when you're barely scraping minimum wage with a 4-year degree, that makes it even harder and makes your self-worth feel pretty low.

I'm going to really have to think about this. I mean, if I get an interview -- yay, someone considered me. But also, need to figure out how to tell my boss if that does happen. If I apply and don't get anything, then did I really lose out? Hmm....
 

Miserum

Well-known member
I know. I completely agree. I mean, it just sucks because I don't really hate them, just hate the environment. My coworker can be a complete asshat, yes. But my other coworkers are pretty decent to work with. My boss isn't the best manager around, and can even be condescending at times, but she at least does somewhat try to make things better. Even if she isn't good at it, she at least tries. I'll give her credit for that.

I'm keeping my eyes open. I looked at that job posting again today. I'm really tempted to apply, see if I can at least get into an interview if anything. I told myself I would stick this out a year. I wanted to, a part of me still wants to even. Just to get more experience under my belt and to add another decent job description to my resume. But for as much as I do in this job, as many little things I have to take care of, I don't get paid anywhere near as much as I should be. I feel like my official job title doesn't even match the job description and what I'm doing. I'm a supervisor, not a coordinator. I don't even coordinate anything. I don't schedule anything, I don't plan anything. I'm told a schedule, told what needs to be produced, then I do it and direct others to help. I don't do certain jobs as they are passed to others. I attend meetings and other trainings and that's it.

I also don't want to burn bridges getting a new job. I burned bridges with my last job -- for good reason, but still. I have a good job record otherwise and really want to keep it that way. I also don't want to feel like I'm settling into "grass is greener" syndrome. Will this other job I'm eyeing really be better? It's more hours, and the schedule will probably be all over the place, so there goes even less time being home or seeing my partner. With warmer weather coming, having a longer schedule will definitely eat into personal time spent with gardening and hobby farming -- something I'm already trying to expand with. But alas, the money I'm making now isn't supporting my personal goals. It's barely paying the loans I'm trying really hard to pay entirely off this year. I don't have much left on them, but when you're barely scraping minimum wage with a 4-year degree, that makes it even harder and makes your self-worth feel pretty low.

I'm going to really have to think about this. I mean, if I get an interview -- yay, someone considered me. But also, need to figure out how to tell my boss if that does happen. If I apply and don't get anything, then did I really lose out? Hmm....
 

FountainandFairfax

the only prescription is more cowbell
I have Iggy Pop's "The Passenger" set as my ringtone. It's probably my favorite song, but I'm starting to form a negative association due to the dread I feel whenever someone calls me.
 
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