Post your random thoughts/feelings etc
- Thread starter Remus
- Start date
Flanscho
Well-known member
I'm an avid reader, so some time ago I joined a website called LibraryThing. There you can list the books you have, and you can check the collections of people who have a roughly similiar taste, and get in contact with them or see what else they got, as ideas on what you yourself could read next.
Recently they had a SantaThing event. You could basically donate some money, and then a random person having roughly the same taste as yourself would choose some books for you worth the amount you donated, and you get them sent for free. And you also do that for another random person.
Today I got the books. I was a bit worried what books I'd get, but I got some really cool stuff.
Recently they had a SantaThing event. You could basically donate some money, and then a random person having roughly the same taste as yourself would choose some books for you worth the amount you donated, and you get them sent for free. And you also do that for another random person.
Today I got the books. I was a bit worried what books I'd get, but I got some really cool stuff.
Kiwong
Well-known member
I am withdrawing socially from the people I work with. I feel some of the things they have said and done has contributed to my anxiety. There was a farewell lunch recently, and as a co-worker departed, I said out loud, "I don't want to socialise with you, that's what I think of you all." The person heard and the gossip spread around the office. I also left a William Gibson quote in my draw. "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you not, just in fact surrounding yourself with assholes," Some of the biggest gossips in the office found it in my draw, and the gossip spread around, as I expected it would. I also submitted an anonymous work survey and made the comment "There is a culture of gossip in the office I work in and it is affecting my health.
More and more these work colleagues are just people I work with. As I have developed a life outside of work, their opinions become less important, but I still get angry about some to the things they have said when I was unwell with panic disorder and anxiety. And that resentment intrudes on the enjoyment of my life outside work.
I am looking for some peace in my life, but holding this sort of animosity towards people is not conducive to that. I'd like to feel neutral or not to worry about the opinions of others, but I feel like I am surrounded by the anger of strangers in some areas of my life. It has spoilt the things I love, like in running in local races, so it has become something I fear, rather than something to be enjoyed. I more often feel happy in my own company than the company of people. I can even be happy, amazingly so. I want to be able to go under the radar a bit to find ways that people will not react to me or my anxiety, to go unoticed. It's a pragmatic strategy, of making my life easier for myself.
I don't feel much comfort at all being around people at all, just complication and pain.
More and more these work colleagues are just people I work with. As I have developed a life outside of work, their opinions become less important, but I still get angry about some to the things they have said when I was unwell with panic disorder and anxiety. And that resentment intrudes on the enjoyment of my life outside work.
I am looking for some peace in my life, but holding this sort of animosity towards people is not conducive to that. I'd like to feel neutral or not to worry about the opinions of others, but I feel like I am surrounded by the anger of strangers in some areas of my life. It has spoilt the things I love, like in running in local races, so it has become something I fear, rather than something to be enjoyed. I more often feel happy in my own company than the company of people. I can even be happy, amazingly so. I want to be able to go under the radar a bit to find ways that people will not react to me or my anxiety, to go unoticed. It's a pragmatic strategy, of making my life easier for myself.
I don't feel much comfort at all being around people at all, just complication and pain.
Last edited:
Phoenixx
Well-known member
^ That's really cool! I might have to look into that sometime. :thumbup:
MikeyC
Well-known member
Yeah! :thumbup:
I'm not sure if you've ever mentioned it before, but what is it that you actually do? Is there a way to get a transfer to somewhere else? Or maybe a different job altogether? Maybe removing yourself from that environment will be beneficial for you.
Not going to lie, though: what you said out loud at the farewell lunch wasn't good. There's no way to renege on it now, it's been done.
In any case, I do think looking for ways out is needed. You've said many times in the past that work is a source of struggle and unhappiness for you so I think that even seeing if there are ways out is a good start.
Exactly! The pattern in life for most people is school - college - work - romance - marriage - kids - house , etc etc. I want to break this pattern. I don't care about romance, marriage, or kids.
@Kiwong: I feel you. I've also done the same things towards people I didn't like, and once the damage is done, there's no way to turn back. But if I were you, I would quit and find a new place to work rather than face the wrath/hatred of those coworkers. I also love being alone, and I don't know if I'll regret saying this: if I were placed in solitary confinement for the rest of my life, I would survive, I think. You know how solitary confinement is viewed as "cruel and unusual punishment" by human rights activitists? To me, it doesn't sound like it.
Last edited:
Yeah. It's okay to do all those things, even in that order, but only if it's what you really want. Only if it's really you. Not because you've been pressured into those things by other people/fooled yourself into believing you really like and want all those things even if you don't.
Me, I don't care about marriage either, and I don't think I will ever want kids. Whether ever I do or not, I certainly need to focus on myself (improving myself, figuring out who I am, who I want to be, what I want most, etc) for a few years or so.
I'm currently listening to the audiobook of Mastery by Robert Greene (related to this subject).
Kiwong
Well-known member
The strange thing MikeyC, is that despite the toxic environment I work in, I have managed to find a life for myself outside that place. The place I work gives me the finances and freedom to be able to really live, and I am doing that. I have achieved, and found happiness.
What I said at the farewell lunch is something that I meant, and it is the closest to speaking out loud the truth of what I think about some of the people I work with. It is something I would never renege from or apologize for. I meant it, and I am glad they heard. When I was going through panic disorder and anxiety, a serious health issue, there was insinuations of laziness, and I will never forgive some of my "work colleagues" for that.
With my anxiety, I am unlikely to get a job anywhere else at over of fifty years of age. I've thought of working alone, I'd like to see if I could make money as a photographer, writing books or environmental consultant.
I am coming to the conclusion that the world of people is a toxic, dysfunctional place that I must endure to try to live. Every where I have been high school, other jobs I have had, university, leads me to that conclusion. Am I just unfortunate to have been bullied and tormented in all of those places? A transfer? The chances I would run into the same problems somewhere else. That's just the was people are.
Despite all that, this time of my life, are some of my best years.
I am thinking of taking 8 months extended leave.
Last edited:
Opaline
1
This really hurts to read. I don't think any human being should be made to feel the way you do about their fellow man and life. It's not your fault, and I am very glad that you have managed to find happiness in spite of that. Many people would have given up on life altogether, but you're still going and I think that says a lot about you. I hope that doesn't sound like a negative thing I'm saying, because I mean it positively but it does bother me that there are people in the world who suffer like this so much and others just walk on by, or gossip, point and laugh. I guess I am not as cynical as I thought I was, because I still find myself saying, "Why? HOW??? How can people be so cold?" I guess some of it makes sense in an evolutionary context - or so we speculate - but it's no less heartbreaking.
Opaline
1
I'm done with the silence about this disorder. I don't care if people judge me, I want to stand up and let people know about social anxiety and stop the pain and stigma that "quiet" people face. I figure, if I often feel so terrible that I would choose to end my life if I had the guts, why not instead put part of that life to good use and start letting people around me know about this problem?
I posted a Facebook status. It's a small gesture to start, but I had contemplated doing it for a long time and held back out of fear; fear of judgment, fear of "defriending," fear that people would take advantage of this knowledge (although most probably knew on some level that I had it anyway). But I finally said something tonight, and got some support, and I want to get myself help.
And someday, somehow - I don't know exactly how yet - I want to help spread the word. Join or create an advocacy group. Work with people who have social anxiety. Maybe befriend them or set up and organization that connects people in the area with the issue, in person. Put out books on it. Something. Anything.
This disorder is maddening, no human being should have to live in such extreme fear of their fellow creatures!
I posted a Facebook status. It's a small gesture to start, but I had contemplated doing it for a long time and held back out of fear; fear of judgment, fear of "defriending," fear that people would take advantage of this knowledge (although most probably knew on some level that I had it anyway). But I finally said something tonight, and got some support, and I want to get myself help.
And someday, somehow - I don't know exactly how yet - I want to help spread the word. Join or create an advocacy group. Work with people who have social anxiety. Maybe befriend them or set up and organization that connects people in the area with the issue, in person. Put out books on it. Something. Anything.
This disorder is maddening, no human being should have to live in such extreme fear of their fellow creatures!
MikeyC
Well-known member
The work is necessarily for your good times, but work itself is bad. How to balance the two?
I didn't realise some of them mocked your behaviour when you had panic attacks. I think that really stems from lack of knowledge on the issue, and that's why they said and did those things, but it still doesn't make it right for you to have to work in an environment knowing they're all judging you and gossiping about you.
Photography has the potential to make lots of money for you, while also being something fun you can do. Go for it.
Do you have eight months extended leave you can take?
Kiwong
Well-known member
Good on you, Opaline, it takes some courage to do that, and it's great you got some support. That was my experience, it was a fearful time for me, when I told everyone. The reaction varied from one person who told me I was weird, to others who wouldn't believe me, but still more who showed me kindness and support that went beyond anything that I could've expected.
One of the most helpful things someone said to me, was a counsellor who said I was a survivor. It was the kind of acknowledgement that I needed to hear, that what I went through was serious. That living with anxiety is hard.
I reckon anxiety all sufferers are survivors, it takes courage to get out there and try to live.
Kiwong
Well-known member
The work is necessarily for your good times, but work itself is bad. How to balance the two?
I didn't realise some of them mocked your behaviour when you had panic attacks. I think that really stems from lack of knowledge on the issue, and that's why they said and did those things, but it still doesn't make it right for you to have to work in an environment knowing they're all judging you and gossiping about you.
Photography has the potential to make lots of money for you, while also being something fun you can do. Go for it.
Do you have eight months extended leave you can take?
My solution is to take my focus away from work. To withdraw my energy away from the place and the people who work there. That's what I meant by socially withdrawing, I am withdrawing my energy worrying about the opinions of people I have lost respect for. I go there to work and to get the job done. The work itself isn't bad, the people are.
Yeah I have 8 months owing, I am thinking of taking that to train well for another marathon. I will focus my energy on that.
Last edited:
Odo
Banned
I know it's probably painful for you, but I think it would be a pretty cool move to come out and explain to someone you trust that you were under stress and have been struggling with personal issues, and didn't mean to offend anyone. As it stands, all you've done is give them even more of a reason to dislike you, and called even more attention to yourself.
SA often makes these kinds of situations seems worse than they are. As much as I dislike people in many ways, most people are still willing to accept that people get stressed and say things they don't mean, and they respect people who are willing to admit that they've made mistakes and are sorry for them.
As far as I can tell, you're not hurting anyone except yourself here.
Odo
Banned
Well, if you're okay with that, then good luck.
MikeyC
Well-known member
I don't know how you can front up to work with people you really despise. Don't you get stressed out? I know I would, but maybe I have less confidence than you.
That's a good way to spend the eight months, since I know you're into that. But then what will you do once the eight months is over? You are going to dread even more going back!