Another two days without studying, I really have no energy left in the afternoon, just feel like sleeping all the time. At night I have trouble falling asleep whether or not I sleep in the afternoon. Then I don't get enough sleep and the cycle repeats again and again.
At least I'm only having 7 more days of classes, but I could use the afternoons to study for my exams (don't want to leave only one week for that).
I was at my school with my peers and I decided to stop by the vending machine and buy some stuff since I was hungry. I remember I joked about dumb things with them and I felt happy and fearless. It was a really nice dream and it went on for some more time.
When I woke a single word popped in my mind: fear
As soon as I realized it had all been a dream I felt down and anxious. I've been more paranoid of diseases this week (more than the usual) and I dread having cancer or some life-threatening disease. I knew that, as soon as I got up, I was going to start getting paranoid because my head hurt (even though I know I stayed up late at night and over-slept) and I was going to start tormenting myself.
I did not wish to get up; all I wanted to do was to fall asleep and dream again so my brain would shut up and think about other harmless and positive things. I can't seem to control this paranoia and fear of diseases, it's always been with me, and it's intensified in recent years.
I forced myself out of bed, but immediately regretted this decision. I felt horrible (and I still do), all my negative and obsessive thoughts came back to me as I set my foot on the bedroom floor.
I'm worn out mentally, and it seems to me that any stimulus (visual or auditive) worsens the mess that my mind is in.
I wish more would take me more seriously, instead of laughing at me or thinking I'm stupid. I'm a human being too and have feelings. But nobody seems to care about mine, but when someone else is upset they dump all their problems out on me.... *sigh* I'm tired of being people's doormat...
I wish more would take me more seriously, instead of laughing at me or thinking I'm stupid. I'm a human being too and have feelings. But nobody seems to care about mine, but when someone else is upset they dump all their problems out on me.... *sigh* I'm tired of being people's doormat...
Aye, me too - people do the same thing to me! :kickingmyself: So ah can definitely relate tae how yer feelin', Shy Dreamer.
Well, today's officially my 21st birthday:D! Somehow, it all feels so bittersweet, maybe because it feels like my years have just flashed by (or maybe because I feel older than I actually am:😛:).
Ok, I just passed an opportunity to... ehm... basically do whatever I wanted with a lady friend.
She was sad and tired of all the men that just used her and for some reason she sees me as a good guy and wanted to be with me, even when I told her I have 0 interest in romantic relationships. She pressed on and said that she didn't care, that she just wanted to be with me and would do anything I wanted.
At first the temptation was too much so I kind of agreed, but the more I talked to her the more I knew that's not what she really wanted. She was just hurting and needed a friendly hand to help her trough the rough waters. And I'm going to be that hand.
So now for the first time in a long time I feel proud of myself. This is who I really am, a nice and decent human being.
It's true that good guys come last but I don't care, that's who I was and who I'm going to be again. The world is already filled with selfish aholes, it needs some variety.
Ok, I just passed an opportunity to... ehm... basically do whatever I wanted with a lady friend.
She was sad and tired of all the men that just used her and for some reason she sees me as a good guy and wanted to be with me, even when I told her I have 0 interest in romantic relationships. She pressed on and said that she didn't care, that she just wanted to be with me and would do anything I wanted.
At first the temptation was too much so I kind of agreed, but the more I talked to her the more I knew that's not what she really wanted. She was just hurting and needed a friendly hand to help her trough the rough waters. And I'm going to be that hand.
So now for the first time in a long time I feel proud of myself. This is who I really am, a nice and decent human being.
It's true that good guys come last but I don't care, that's who I was and who I'm going to be again. The world is already filled with selfish aholes, it needs some variety.
Great! not many would've done the same, you did the right thing!
For some reason I've been evaluating fears recently. I've come to discover that my greatest fear isn't dying.. or even extreme pain.
It's dying without being able to fight for it, or without clearly seeing it coming. Like, undergoing surgery with a 50% chance of not waking up, or passing in my sleep due to some minor body defect.
Being there.. and then suddenly, out of the blue, not being there.. scares me to no end.
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