Post what you cannot say

[dottie]

i struggle with selective mutism at 32. it is a perpetual obstacle that is a HUGE defining part of my life. i have so much potential but my inability to speak or connect with certain (most) people is a great hinderance.

i cannot say this because people will not understand and/or judge. in fact, i can speak around some people just fine and probably come across as pretty normal when i'm around them. but that's just it... it's selective mutism. i am fine around some people, but i cannot bring myself to speak or even look at other people.

and "selective" is not quite the right description since i don't select when to choke. it just happens around certain people/types. usually authority figures or people who have strong personalities. it's like fainting goats... except with eye contact, words, and vocal chords... there isn't much control. it just happens.

Fainting Goats - YouTube

 

[MikeyC]

i struggle with selective mutism at 32. it is a perpetual obstacle that is a HUGE defining part of my life. i have so much potential but my inability to speak or connect with certain (most) people is a great hinderance.

i cannot say this because people will not understand and/or judge. in fact, i can speak around some people just fine and probably come across as pretty normal when i'm around them. but that's just it... it's selective mutism. i am fine around some people, but i cannot bring myself to speak or even look at other people.

and "selective" is not quite the right description since i don't select when to choke. it just happens around certain people/types. usually authority figures or people who have strong personalities. it's like fainting goats... except with eye contact, words, and vocal chords... there isn't much control. it just happens.

This sounds really debilitating. Sorry to hear it (or not hear it, as it were). ::

 

[dottie]

@mikeyc thanks for listening... it's nice to be able to say it and be understood.

 

[MikeyC]

@mikeyc thanks for listening... it's nice to be able to say it and be understood.

I understand it, but it's hard to fully grasp because I don't have that, or anything close to it. So, hypothetically, if I were to approach you and say hello, and I had an inviting personality, would you not say anything or would it be more random than that? Sorry if it's a personal question...just trying to understand further.

 

[dottie]

@mikeyc it's hard to explain... it's like invisible boundaries... almost like an electric fence. i can't bring myself to speak to or even make eye contact with people of authority, seniority, or of an assertive air unless they are warmish to me. even then it is difficult and minimal. it is a very immature dependance that i need them to overtly show that they are not a threat... this can be shown via body language, smile, tone, delivery. it is so engrained i cannot turn it off.

@phocas yes, a flash flood of stage fright!

 

[IcedEarth25]

Part 1. Thanx alot, i treat you with respect when others wouldn't, i've stood up for you and supported you and this this what i get in return, It'll be nice 1 day when we come face to face and you can say what i've actually done when i've done absolute zilch to offend you in any way, you have the problem remember not me.. THANX FOR NOTHIN!!!

Part 2. If i had the chance to have you back on this Earth for 1 day i would, i miss you so much, i've missed millions of opportunities to spend time with you as Father and Son should, Years have gone by where i think why?, what? and how? many a times each day, I miss you so much more than words can say...

 

[nosferatu]

You're smart. Why keep talking to someone whose thoughts spawn from their hindquarters? No even a dollop of intelligence. Are you that hard up for friends? Do you feel sorry for me?

 

[bardock]

Dad- i love you but why did you only pick on me sp much. i was so scared of you when I was young. you used ro hit me sometimes for making too much noise when you were trying to listen to the news. But never my siblings, why was I so different in your eyes. i was scared to bring friends over when i was younger in fear that you wl hit me again. i was scared to even approach you as a kid thats how much I was scared. you had really bad mood swings. maybe something bad had happened, and you took it out on me. also for school you alwas used to get me the cheapest pair of shoes which made me a laughing stock. also youve never taken us out of the country or out of our town, i think you heavily induced my sa father, but i don'T hate you because you are my family, and family is all I have left now.

 

[MikeyC]

@mikeyc it's hard to explain... it's like invisible boundaries... almost like an electric fence. i can't bring myself to speak to or even make eye contact with people of authority, seniority, or of an assertive air unless they are warmish to me. even then it is difficult and minimal. it is a very immature dependance that i need them to overtly show that they are not a threat... this can be shown via body language, smile, tone, delivery. it is so engrained i cannot turn it off.

I understand. I hope you can get through it.

 

[nosferatu]

The slightest acknowledgement would suffice.

 

[dottie]

@nosferatu you don't come across as unintelligent *confused*

 

[Graeme1988]

Mum - Do you ever wonder why I can never seem able to talk to you? It's because you always push me away whenever I try reaching out to you.

I realize now that all those negative opinions and points of view, especially your messed up view regarding relationships is complete bulls*%t. "Better off alone". Maybe you are, but I don't want to be. And I find it ironic that you always tell me not to put myself down. And yet overhearing "All men are useless" as well as having it said to my face by you countless since I was 15. How do you think that makes me feel? Yeah, it hurts.

 

[fitftw]

I wish things could've worked out with us. You're a sweet, beautiful woman and I miss you. It's been 2 years now. I just want to see your face again. I know you're with someone new, and so am I, but I can't help thinking I was better off with you, even if I really wasn't. Sorry if this sounds crazy or if you don't care anymore...

 

[KiaKaha]

I should have appreciated you when I had you. Its unlikely I will ever met someone as beautiful, compassionate, funny and accepting as I did with you. I loved you, and I grieved for you.

I should have eaten those prawns.

 

[this_portrait]

Sometimes I miss you.

 

[Aletheia]

yearning

Always I miss you.

 

[lonely_drummer]

I sleep in so I can dream of you. Your laugh, your scent, your smile all remind me that I can be happy. I've never known anyone like you

 

[Phoenixx]

I'm sorry I wasn't more enthusiastic when you told me about what happened earlier this morning (even though you never said a word, I could just tell you wanted me to be happier for you). I was tired, and when you told me it somewhat shocked me. Not just that, but a huge surge of depression, jealousy, and anger just hit me then too. I should be happy for you, and a part of me is, but the envy still lingers. What you told me, when you said this was what you were "waiting 17 years for," I'm not going to lie, it kinda pissed me off. 17 years, great, because that's such a long time. You could've had what you wanted A LOT sooner, and how you never saw/seen that I don't know. You're gorgeous, exceptionally smart, funny/random, and charismatic. Guys drool over you, they love talking to you and being around you. I'm 18 and a half and I still have nothing, and I don't possess any of the qualities you have. I love hanging with you, you've always been like a little sister to me, the little sister I've never had, but when I'm with you in public, with other people you know, I feel worthless and alone.

Not sure why I'm posting this. I'm mostly over it now, but I guess I had to get it off my chest still.

 

[Apersonalan]

You kept me around just for fun but you don't know how hard I tried for you. In the end all you did was break my heart ::

 

[Graeme1988]

You've changed sis. Yeah, ya might not think so. And ya even say you've not. But ya have. I feel I don't even know you anymore, sadly. And I'm even now questioning if I even knew you at all. Because you're not the sister I once knew.

And you can keep on thinking that we're still "really" close - delude yerself all ya want. Because the reality is - I feel - you no longer care about anyone, but yerself.