Post what you cannot say


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I know I hurt you. I know i crushed you beyond repair. I take full responsibility for the horrible person i used to be and I'm so deeply sorry. If I could only get you to talk to me maybe you'd see I've carried you in my heart for all these years wishing I could take back the pain I caused.

I don't expect anything from you...i just want you to be happy. I realize any further attempt to communicate would result in a large amount of sadness for you. I simply needed you to know I was messed up for a long time and you did nothing wrong. It was all were totally innocent and deserved nothing but the best from me.


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i forgive you.

I forgive you for inheriting a genetic mental instability you had no control over. I forgive you for compensating by becomming an alchoholic. I forgive you for being abusive towards me and dad, him to the point where he cant take any kind of confrontation. I forgive you for stabbing him and sending him to the hospital that night. You thought i didnt know about that, but i saw the whole thing, my 7 yr old self watched in horror as you went crazy one night.

I dont forgive you for blaming everyone else for your actions. I dont forgive you for trying to latch on to me, and trying to manipulate me into moving to your town so i could support you when your husband is slowly dying. I dont forgive you for cutting me out of your life when you decided youd had enough of your son when he was 9 years old.

Im damaged goods because of you mother. I thank yuo, for giving me life, and doing the best you could. But i wish you had been open to the help that was offered to you.

I forgive you for passing on to me slightly what youve fought your whole life. I just wish you would see the help ive been seeing. Maybe then you would understand, and feel relatively normal.

Mother, i forgive you.


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I'm glad your wife is pregnant with your second child. Really, I am.

But I can't help looking at you and thinking of the direction my life could have taken. I even wrote a poem about it a few years back. But there's no way I'll ever let you read it.


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My niece: I haven't seen you yet, but I'm really looking forward to the day that I can. I've missed your first steps, but I don't want to miss anything else. I love you so much.

Everyone: I don't know what you see in me; I'm no one except a worthless, parasitic monster that has no right to his blessings or life. You praise me for abilities that are not there; you believe me to be good-looking, smart, a leader and great boyfriend material. I'm none of those, so please wipe those illusions from your eyes for my spirit won't be able to take it when I let you all down.

My brothers: I'm sorry for being such a crybaby when I was little; I just wanted to let you know that you two were the people that I looked up to as a child and even now. Just once in my life, I wanted to hear you acknowledge me as your little brother, that I could do something right for once. You may hate me and you have every right to, but I'll always love you both; you were both more of a father to me than our own.

Mom: I don't say this alot and I don't show it but I'm really grateful for everything that you've done. I wish I could pay it back, but my life wouldn't even be able to repay half of that debt. I've caused you so much trouble, so I want to say that I'm sorry. If dad had it his way, then you wouldn't have to go through these trials. You've guided me in the right direction so much, even if some of your methods weren't the best; I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't stayed with you instead of dad. You've really ran the gauntlet to get me here, but I'm scared that, even if I do get this college degree, I still won't be successful.
Mom: You've been to hell and back yet you always manage to have a bright smile on your face and a positive outlook on everything while I'm the complete opposite. If you hadn't told me about how you held me in your arms all night the day I was born I would still believe that I was switched at birth. You've made so many sacrifices for me and support me with everything you have while all I ever do is complain about the dumbest things and stress you out after a long and even more stressful day at work. If only you knew how much I truly love you and how many tears I've shed for you.

My so-called "family": To me, a family is the people who love you, accept you for who you are, and who are always there for you. Save an exceptional few, you people are none of those things. You don't love my mother and I. You only love us when you need something from us. As you have never been there for me or my mother in our struggle to live happy and peaceful lives after all the crap we've been though thus far, we will never be there for you when you need us, which seems to be all the time. God, there are so many more things I want to say to you people, but it's just not worth it. None of you are worth the tears, the worries, or even a squat of piss. You could all rot in the deepest pits of hell for all I care.

My true friends: You guys have been there for me through it all and never once walked out on me when the entire would was against me. You stood by my side and helped me stand up whenever I took a hard fall. You accept me for who I am and that's all I ever wanted out of people. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for not looking at me with patronizing eyes. Thank you for loving me as I am.

All the boys who have ever scorned me: I gave you my heart, the most precious part of me, and you stepped all over it and threw it to the side like garbage. I wasted so many tears on you, and only now I realize that none of you were ever worth the hassle. Whatever you did to me is going to come back full swing at you, a million times harder. To those of you who were unfaithful to me, it would be wise to keep in mind the existence of STD's. Hopefully the next time you decide to cheat on a girl, you won't contract AIDS and die a slow miserable death just because you don't have the balls to be honest and break up with a girl before you knowingly break her heart.
Sorry I did such a poor job explaining to you why I had to stop going, I know it is an important part pf your life and it probably breaks your heart to see me not being a part of it. I tried for a long time to recapture the faith, and make it fit into what I knew to be true, but it got to the point I couldn't anymore. Maybe I reasoned and questioned too much, because once I did I stopped using faith and started using logic. They work separately, but they're not compatible and when mixed one is bound to engulf the other. It's really a lot of little things that pushed me over the edge, not one big problem. Maybe it's conceited for me to believe what I feel is right is over what I am told is, but I can't help but go with what my gut tells me. I recently came across a quote that has made me question what was originally the driving force in me losing my faith, which makes me feel even more that I thought I knew more than I did, as many kids do. I wish I had talked to someone about it, but as you know talking is difficult for me and I selfishly prioritized that over what probably should have been more important. I wish I was able to verbalize, or even textualize, what it is that was driving me away. I knew what I felt and thought, but not in terms that could be explained. Even if I was able to say I wouldn't have been able to say. I haven't rejected it, I've drifted well off the path but I'm still going. I was at first going down my own path, but I seem to have gotten lost pretty quickly and am now very lost. I don't trust any of my thoughts or feelings anymore, and just don't know where to go. I was naive to think my intuition would tell me all the answers and always direct me in the right direction, but having said that I don't know of any other solution. I need to go back, at least take a look at it again, see how it feels, what I think; but I'm afraid I'm too proud to admit I may have made a mistake. Also I'm afraid of doing it for the wrong reasons, because it would in a way raise my well being and mental health. I don't want to make a mockery of something so many people care so deeply about, that's why I requested to let me stay home Sunday mornings. Halfheartedly going full of doubt is worse than not going at all. I know that's a mouthful and I probably left some things out and mis-said some others, and was probably hard to follow, but that's the answer to your question. If you had some follow up specific questions I'd love to answer those too, or at least try to, as I really don't know anymore.
To a boy I like ....

I know your quiet and reserved. Well so am I!

You have no idea how much we have in common.

I see you everyday and yet I have to pretend I could care less. I do care about you and I have caught you staring at me before, so do you care too?

if only i knew for sure you did, i would make the first move

maybe i'll never know and regret not saying anything to you :(


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I've have never been treated so unkindly, when inside I was feeling fear and grief.

You said It doesn't look like anxiety to me. Well I ask you what does anxiety look like?