I love this thread
I say dumb things. I can't say I say dumb things, because saying I say dumb things is in itself a dumb thing to say, and if the goal is to say less dumb things then I should not state I say dumb things. Dumb also is not the right word, just when I not thinking straight or really all that grounded. Which I guess is right now. Also can you just tell me the truth and stop all this. I can't, I just can't take it. It probably means less to you than it does me, but the longer I'm stringed along the harder I fall in the end. I can't take it, but I don't want to stop. I can't, I don't have anything else. You have to take it away from me. Please, take it away from me. And not because it is what is "best" for me. Just do it. I don't get how you function, how you can be like one way and then like another. I only can come up with so many explanations, none of them make a lot of sense to me. Maybe it's because everything is in my head. No! It's not, I have things to go off of. But what, how reliable are these things? I just need it to stop, all of this. I hate it. I hate hate hate hate it. I should have never let myself get like this to begin with, it's really probably my fault. But you're not helping, unless you are thinking the same I am. But are you? Doubtful. I can't take this. I can't, stop messing with me please. Maybe you don't know you are, but I am fragile, I am sensitive, and I don't have anything else, I never have had anything before, and until you are lost I won't have anything else. I don't want anything else, I don't. But it's all a hopeless fancy. Isn't it? Just tell me it is already, so I can go through my stages of grief. I should be able to decide on my own, get it started, but I can't. I don't want to not want. What if I'm wrong? That slight possibility keeps everything going. It shouldn't, but hell does it. I need to get some other things in my life maybe, I don't know how. Where to start, where to go, what to do. This isn't your fault maybe I'm just blaming you. Of course this isn't you fault I never thought it was. But I mean maybe you are not the cause. I'm lonely. My fears I can't shake and all else royally messed up with my emotions and perspective and life keep me from doing anything about it. Why would I rather stay in alone than risk stupid things. Why do I care. What do I even have care about. Oh right. No, nothing. I really don't. Having to start caring again, it so much of a weight on me I can't even begin to do so. Life is hard, giving a **** is hard. Putting effort in, trying to make things happen, doing things I don't want to do, all hard. Maybe this is one of those things. I can't know with certainty though! This is just one aspect of my life though, maybe one not as important as others. He I go again. Why am I letting myself do this. I'm sorry why am I telling you all this. You, you I barely know. You're only getting held back by me. Oh look, I just did the same thing I told you not to do. I want to just throw things and scream, and then cry. Throw a little fit because things aren't perfect in my little world. Stress. ****, swearing again. I can't focus on anything else, but there's nothing to even focus on here. But there is and I know it. Do I? No I really don't. But I have reason enough to think there is. But I suck. Now I am just insulting myself, why am I doing that? What is my thinking, it doesn't really apply to the thought, nor explain it. Is it easier to think that because there is something wrong with me that things aren't peaches and cream? No, that doesn't sound right. I suck I suck I suck I suck. Stupid. Why are all these thoughts running though my mind? I want. I don't know what to think. I'm being weird. I just need to know an answer, understand. I don't know what to think. I know what I want, it's not realistic but I know it. What do you want, please tell me. Then tell me if it is something worth pursuing. I need to know the answer to these questions. I don't know them. But if they are not what I want to hear, what will it accomplish? Do you think it will help me to try to get it otherwise? I have changed, a lot. That is not a question. I can't stand this all though. Maybe I should just do what I'm thinking. No, not that, don't get dark. But I mean screw it what is the point of anything. I am so far behind, I have done nothing in life. Why should I wait anymore, what's the point. Is it worth risking never getting something at all to wait for right whatever to come around? Slow and steady wins the race, I know. Put the work in and things will pay off in the long run. Good things come to those who wait. I am sick of waiting. And really, should I be waiting at all. Look at all those Cubs fans who waited for their team to win it all, so many died before it happened. If they knew it probably wouldn't have, would it have been a good idea to flip to the white sox? No, because they know if the cubbies finally won they'd be kicking themselves. The cubs are always their team, even if the Sox grow on them. That's why I can't stop. I need you to disband the cubs for me, so I don't have them to cheer for anymore. I can't do it myself, they are all around me. I can't change it without getting rid of everything else I have in my life. Maybe I should. No, I've tried that before, I know it's crap. I always crawl back. And it's because it's all I have. I need it. Do I? I have to stop it sometime. But that would be wrong. No, if I was successful it wouldn't be, it's when I come back that makes me regret taking a break. If you decide to quit a race halfway through, you only regret it if you decide to continue racing and then see how much you lost over that time. Maybe I'm running the wrong race. How am I getting to this again. It would hurt people if I stopped this race. But only for a short time. I am selfish I guess. Where is this going now, this isn't a real solution I know. I think I can jumpstart things by doing this, I know it's not true. It makes them worse. But what you are doing to me, that is not the same. You are occupying something that can't be filled until you leave. I don't want you to leave though. But it will only bring longing. I am being stupid. No I'm not! I keep thinking that. Even if I am I don't need the constant reminders. I don't even know who I'm talking to anymore. You! I should just ask. Should I be subtle? Okay, I don't think I can say it but how about this. We both know the situation, don't we? Let's assume you answer yes to that question. And if we could, would we do something about it? You may add some "yeah but..." 's to that, which is understandable. Or maybe you would go with my other thinking, that it's all fake to begin with. I don't think it is though. I don't know what real is, but I think we could make this into something. Do you? You probably don't. And you have better life prospect anyway. You have more potential. But I shouldn't let me make decisions for you. That is wrong of me. Realistic is the question at hand. No, no is the answer. If so not till long in the future. And you work differently than me I think, when I get like this it takes a while, and stays a while. It is not an on/off switch. But maybe the first question is a no from you, maybe there is no situation. No, there is at least a little bit of one. We both know that, but it may be a smaller deal to you than I. Or maybe you knew all a long of it's realism, and have been thinking of it all this time. Maybe you are just lonely, hell maybe I am just lonely. Should I fall deeper into this, keep pushing, keep going. It doesn't seem healthy to do this to myself. It also doesn't seen appealing to not do this to myself though. I don't want to lose this. I have been typing an hour I think. I basically just said the same thing over and over again though.
Just tell me how it is. You probably don't even know the answer to that question, why should I think you know any better than me. If you do though, please tell me.
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