online dating

[Bo592]

I alway wanted to know why people don`t use web cam to meet there lovers online . I mean you can use texting site to get thing started but why spend all that money to go see somebody who like you but don`t like you because of your looks.

 

[SM1010]

Well I got a quick drink with my date (about an hour). She was shy herself, so there was an awkward silence or two but nothing too bad. Nice girl, pretty cute.

Not sure my interest level is real high, (wasn't really an immediate connection or anything) but I'm certainly open to hanging out with her again. I'm not only on there to date, but to meet new people and make new friends.

How'd it go for you, OceanMist?

 

[OceanMist]

Well I got a quick drink with my date (about an hour). She was shy herself, so there was an awkward silence or two but nothing too bad. Nice girl, pretty cute.

Not sure my interest level is real high, (wasn't really an immediate connection or anything) but I'm certainly open to hanging out with her again. I'm not only on there to date, but to meet new people and make new friends.

How'd it go for you, OceanMist?

I thought it went okay. We had a lot to talk about because she is so creative with coming up with topics of conversation. I got a bit tipsy which helped me come up with more to say, even though I was slightly rude at times.

At the end of the date she stopped for a second and I couldn't tell whether she was waiting for me to say I'd call her or to kiss her. I'm afraid of kissing her still.

I've found out something I hate about dating is that whether or not to kiss the girl isn't said out loud all the time, you have to read social cues which I can't pick up on.

There is something about that risk that is bothering me. I guess I'm afraid of sex, too. I just don't know how this stuff works, when to kiss, when I'm supposed to have sex or if I am? I feel so stupid because I'm 27 and don't even know when the right time is to be intimate with a woman.

It sucks being a guy. I'm expected to "make the move" and go in for the kiss at the right time. It's bs because I'm way shyer than most women, especially the one I'm with. I don't want her to have to make that move and be like, all right, since you're (me) not tough enough to be a man and kiss me, I'll be the man. Yes I had my last g/f tell me something similar to that. She said she was the man of our relationship. I didn't like hearing that. It was emasculating.

That's just part of it. I'm sure there is more stuff that I'm not normal with. All of this seems like so much work and it is so difficult for me. I feel worn out and I've only gone on 3 dates with her.

 

[SM1010]

I've found out something I hate about dating is that whether or not to kiss the girl isn't said out loud all the time, you have to read social cues which I can't pick up on.

There is something about that risk that is bothering me. I guess I'm afraid of sex, too. I just don't know how this stuff works, when to kiss, when I'm supposed to have sex or if I am? I feel so stupid because I'm 27 and don't even know when the right time is to be intimate with a woman.

It sucks being a guy. I'm expected to "make the move" and go in for the kiss at the right time. It's bs because I'm way shyer than most women, especially the one I'm with. I don't want her to have to make that move and be like, all right, since you're (me) not tough enough to be a man and kiss me, I'll be the man. Yes I had my last g/f tell me something similar to that. She said she was the man of our relationship. I didn't like hearing that. It was emasculating.

Yup I have similar problems. I have anxiety issues when it comes to making moves.

So I don't know what to tell you. I just know I've blown it with woman who were clearly interested because I was too passive to make a move. I've missed out on relationships and sex because of it.

All we can do is learn from past mistakes.

 

[MikeyC]

I've found out something I hate about dating is that whether or not to kiss the girl isn't said out loud all the time, you have to read social cues which I can't pick up on.

It's okay, mate. When it feels right, you'll know it. You probably could've done it on the last date, too. I find it very hard to pick up the clues, even if it's obvious, so you're not the only one.

 

[GhastlyCC]

I've only done the online dating thing one time..
...We never met up or anything.
I don't think I'll be doing that anymore.::

 

[OceanMist]

Yup I have similar problems. I have anxiety issues when it comes to making moves.

So I don't know what to tell you. I just know I've blown it with woman who were clearly interested because I was too passive to make a move. I've missed out on relationships and sex because of it.

All we can do is learn from past mistakes.

I was looking back on it and apparently this is the only time I've had to make that move to kiss a girl while standing up outside with or without people around.

I've made out with four women, but as for those four situations: One was at a party and she made the move and kissed me when I didn't expect it, another was in my room with a girl and I asked her to kiss me because I was too afraid, and then the most recent time was that woman I lost my virginity to. I made the move to kiss her, I initiated it.

There was another time where I was on my bed and I made the move to kiss this girl, too. So, I have two times where I've made the first move, but the catch is those times were not at the end of a date while standing with people around.

What's bothering me are multiple things: the time frame, I must kiss her when we both are standing there waiting for me to make that move. I must make eye contact and move in to do it. Come to think of it, I've never done that, not like that. It seems as if there is this big buildup of anxiety and then I have like 5 seconds to act? C'mon, that's so hard for me.

I don't like how dramatic it is. I don't like how it involves no warning, and I don't like how if I do warn the girl then I am seen as insecure. Then there is the breath thing, I can only control my breath really, hers is in her control.

Ugh. All of that stuff just for a 10 second kiss. There are probably people reading what I wrote and laughing because they conquered this kiss anxiety in like junior high.

 

[bleach]

The sex ratios are ridiculously bad, women gets bombarded with hundreds of messages they could never answer and even if you manage to make plans with one, she flakes out more often than not. Unless you have virtually no day to day contact with women I can't see why a guy should bother... except that it's easy.

 

[OceanMist]

The sex ratios are ridiculously bad, women gets bombarded with hundreds of messages they could never answer

Yes that's true. I also think although real life isn't as bad as that, but it's still similar in that men will try to hit on women way more than women will hit on men.

Parties and bars pretty much always have a higher ratio of men there compared to women as does online dating. Then with gender roles, a guy must compete for a woman if she's the least bit attractive because if she is, she's going to have other guys hitting on her.

The thing with online dating is that if a guy actually wants a woman that is definitely attractive, he's probably not going to get that out of online dating. He'd have a much better chance going to a bar and trying to talk to her face to face. The percentage of attractive women online is way lower than real life's percentage at a bar.

I guess online dating could be better for playing a numbers game as opposed to a quality of looks game. What I'm saying is online dating requires the guy to lower his standards in the looks department.

As you said, it's much easier to send a message compared to walking up to a woman in real life that you don't know and starting a conversation. So, a guy can send more messages but the question is, does that necessarily mean he's got better odds because of the women being bombarded with messages? I've wondered about that.

 

[SM1010]

The sex ratios are ridiculously bad, women gets bombarded with hundreds of messages they could never answer and even if you manage to make plans with one, she flakes out more often than not. Unless you have virtually no day to day contact with women I can't see why a guy should bother... except that it's easy.

Most guys with SA have extreme anxiety issues approaching women. Online dating makes approaching way easier. So you tell me, if a guy doesn't approach women in person why would he not bother with online dating?

I was in that position. I had never been on a real date as of October 2009 when I first joined dating sites. Since then I've gone out with around 15 women, 14 of them from online dating. It has certainly been worth it for me.

You're right, from my experience about 50% of the girls I've gotten numbers from have flaked or it just never panned out (so I've gotten around 30 numbers since October 2009). But that doesn't mean it's not worth trying.

Look at OceanMist, he just started doing online dating like a month ago and he's been out with 2 women.

 

[9407]

I'm willing to try it when I'm around 23 or so. But that isn't for another couple of years.

 

[da_illest101]

I tried before, but I always chicken out. the only time I didn't chicken out was to have intercourse. Kinda wish I would have chicken out of that one lol. I think people who are ready for a relationship should give it a shot, hopefully they are not as much of a wuss as me

 

[new account]

I don't want her to have to make that move and be like, all right, since you're (me) not tough enough to be a man and kiss me, I'll be the man. Yes I had my last g/f tell me something similar to that. She said she was the man of our relationship. I didn't like hearing that. It was emasculating.

If I had to deal with that, I'd never try to get a woman again. If that girl was with you at the time, why would she say that? Is that how all people are? So every man in the world has to be tough without fear? So if you never had a woman before and you didn't know if it was right to kiss her, so you didn't out of respect, you're not a man? No wonder you feel bad. Sometimes I don't care what people think of me, because I try to see how idiotic their logic is, and I say "am I really going to be offended by someone this dumb?"

Why does everything have to be a battle or a game? Is it wrong for her to just tell you that she wants you to kiss her? What is this "social cues" nonsense? I pretend that I don't know any social cues, even if I think I know what people expect me to do and the exact cues, because I am disgusted that they won't just tell me what they want.

Are people really intelligent? Are they wise? Are they really worthy of being called an advanced species? That behavior seems more like it's coming from an animal than a being that would be called advanced.

I feel bad that she ruined your self respect. It's not you who did something wrong, but it was her. A better person would've said "how come we haven't kissed yet, do you want to?" and make you feel better. She shouldn't mock you like you're a piece of garbage. Thinking about how people are makes me want to not even want to see them. If it's a game of impressing people, then I don't want to join in. Are we really a smart species? Is it wrong if people disgust me for acting like that, or should I try my best to act a certain way so more people will pretend to like me? What should I do?

 

[SM1010]

You may not agree with "gender role expectations, social cues, or social norms, etc etc" but they do exist.

You're right what she said to him was pretty mean and it could have been said in a much better way, BUT...

Most women expect the guy to make the moves, it's the harsh reality whether we like it or not. Not all, but most. It's part of the whole gender role expectation thing.

So if we want to have success with women, we have to learn how to fight through the anxiety and make moves.

 

[AsTimeBurns]

I sign up to these sites occasionally, but usually don't last long. Apart from the difficulty in coming up with anything interesting to put in the profile and having to search around for 1 half-decent picture of myself, the main problem I find is I just can't think of much to say to people. Generally I try to ask a question about something on their profile, or just say hello. But even if they respond (which is very rare), they usually just respond with 1 sentence, with no question or any helpful way to continue the conversation, so I just leave it at that. I assume if they actually wanted to talk to me, they'd make an effort, so I'm not going to go out of my way only to then be ignored anyway.

 

[davidburke]

did anyone ever actually find anyone? i have signed up to loads of them and nothing:: it just seems completely pointless

 

[OceanMist]

QUOTEnew account;569256If I had to deal with that, I'd never try to get a woman again. If that girl was with you at the time, why would she say that? Is that how all people are?

Well, if you never try to get a woman again, you'd be in the same position I was in for the last 6 years before I did this online dating thing, you'd be guaranteeing being alone unless you got very lucky and had women ask you out. What I'm saying is we have to keep trying even if things go wrong. I know it sucks but it's the only way for a guy, especially for a guy with SA.

She said what she said because it bothered her that she had to do something that a man normally has to do. She had to take control, and ask me to go into the bedroom and choose restaurants, stuff like that. That's what sucks about dating: Women are allowed to complain about men but men can't complain about the women. That's part of being in a relationship. The woman has the upper hand.

All people aren't like that. The woman I'm with now is very nice. I think she knows that I'm shy and doesn't even talk about it because she wants to show me respect. There are lots of good women out there like her.

So every man in the world has to be tough without fear? So if you never had a woman before and you didn't know if it was right to kiss her, so you didn't out of respect, you're not a man? No wonder you feel bad.

It's not always about being without fear. It's about acting despite that fear. Unfortunately, women hate it when men show fear. That's part of dating. Yeah, it's unfair because us men don't care as much if a woman is afraid, but that's the way it is.


Why does everything have to be a battle or a game? Is it wrong for her to just tell you that she wants you to kiss her? What is this "social cues" nonsense?


Dating is a game. Dude, I know it's so messed up that it's a game, but it is. Kissing is probably the most non-talked about thing when it hasn't happened yet between a new couple. Part of the game is knowing when to kiss and how to go about it.

You're right that it's frustrating, and it's why I was complaining earlier in this thread. It'd be nice if the guy could ask if it's okay to kiss the girl but that shows insecurity from the guy. Unfair? Yep. That's the game for us, it can be unfair.

I feel bad that she ruined your self respect. It's not you who did something wrong, but it was her. A better person would've said "how come we haven't kissed yet, do you want to?" and make you feel better. She shouldn't mock you like you're a piece of garbage. Thinking about how people are makes me want to not even want to see them. If it's a game of impressing people, then I don't want to join in. Are we really a smart species? Is it wrong if people disgust me for acting like that, or should I try my best to act a certain way so more people will pretend to like me? What should I do?

Hey man, I totally get why you are frustrated. At the time she called me not a man, I felt the same way. She even laughed after she said it like she expected me to laugh too. I DID NOT laugh, lol. It was a very rude thing to say to me, especially considering she was my g/f.

Something I can advise you to do is to not think of dating as trying to impress the woman. That just puts pressure on you. The "be yourself" theory is very good to abide by. Instead of trying to make her like you, just talk to her like normal friends shooting the breeze. If she doesn't like you for who you are, then that's okay because you can't expect every woman to like you.

Also, it's not as hard as it seems once you start talking to the woman one on one. You don't have to be a superstar, they know that every man will have flaws.

 

[OceanMist]

Most guys with SA have extreme anxiety issues approaching women. Online dating makes approaching way easier. So you tell me, if a guy doesn't approach women in person why would he not bother with online dating?

Exactly. If it wasn't for online dating, I'd still be a virgin and would have met up with zero women in the last year.

"God bless technology. God bless it." - Crazy, Stupid, Love

 

[Iluv]

I always wanted to try a serious dating website for an actual relationship. But I'm paranoid that I'll end up with a serial killer especially after watching too many criminal shows. I have tried it just to mingle with people online but ended up getting mad because everyone that I really found genuine was too far away from where I live to be anything more than an internet friend.

 

[sullyS25]

I don't know my experience with online dating is that the girls I have met are always a little crazy or misleading.....Maybe that is just me subconsciously being attracted to that type of person but my experiences have not been so good.