online dating

[sullyS25]

I've got a date again it sounds like. This girl I messaged once or twice already wants to meet up. It's funny because I was just complaining yesterday in my post about how I couldn't get a date and I was wondering if college girls didn't want anything to do with guys who didn't have a degree.

Either this girl didn't read my profile or she doesn't mind guys that don't go to college, because she sounds pretty ambitious. She's a teacher and a college grad. I'm a college dropout, technically. I obviously won't use those words when talking to her, haha.

Immediately I got nervous when I saw her say she wanted to meet up. I'm already terrified. This isn't like last time either, when I met that one girl at her house. We're going to meet in a bar or coffee house or something. It's almost surreal....me talking alone with a woman around a group of people? I feel like I'm not in my body when I think about that, because I've been womanless for so long.

I told her I wanted to meet on Friday. We'll see what happens. I'm so nervous right now. I'm 27 and I'm haven't done anything like this in 6 years really besides that girl that got rid of me after a day. I'm trying to give myself time to study what I'm going to ask her so I at least have something in my arsenal. She sounds chatty. That could work for me or against me.

You want to talk about forcing myself back into the social world, this is it, lol. Yeah, I confess, I'm afraid she's not going to like me. I think a lot of people would fear that in this situation, though.

It's a numbers game, they say. I'm starting to believe that. I think I've messaged like over a 100 women by now? Somewhere around there. That's not even the whole of it. This girl has to like me in person if I want any chance with her. This is such a tough process for a shy guy.

I think almost EVERY guy has the fear of a girl not liking them before the first date man, this is completely normal. Who knows maybe you won't like her personality either man....That has happened to me after meeting someone from an online dating site.....I know this might sound horrible and I certainly have a hard time doing it but I don't think you should concern yourself with whether you are good enough for her while out with her, I think you should decide if she is the girl for you.....might help with the constant over analyzing of ourselves while in these situations.

 

[OceanMist]

I think almost EVERY guy has the fear of a girl not liking them before the first date man, this is completely normal. Who knows maybe you won't like her personality either man....That has happened to me after meeting someone from an online dating site.....I know this might sound horrible and I certainly have a hard time doing it but I don't think you should concern yourself with whether you are good enough for her while out with her, I think you should decide if she is the girl for you.....might help with the constant over analyzing of ourselves while in these situations.

I like that mentality. Maybe she won't be good enough for me. I guess it's a possibility that she won't.

I think without even realizing that I'm putting myself below most of the women. I think it's because my SAD, I feel socially inferior to most people because most people talk more than me.

That's all part of it, though. There is always that risk that someone won't like the other or both won't like each other. This is so hard.

I feel like my shy body and brain aren't made for this. I'm probably just another person she is meeting in her social world. For me, she's like one of the only women I've met in the past 5 or 6 years in my social world, or lack thereof.

 

[OceanMist]

Good luck with that, mate! I can understand you'd be nervous and such but just be yourself and hopefully it'll be okay.

I appreciate it. What worries me about being myself is that myself has SAD and I am weird. Sounds negative, but it's true. Let's face it, it won't take long for her to find out i'm shy and unusual. The last girl found that out immediately.

My only chance is to hope she's okay with it, because she's probably not going to like it.

 

[MikeyC]

I appreciate it. What worries me about being myself is that myself has SAD and I am weird. Sounds negative, but it's true. Let's face it, it won't take long for her to find out i'm shy and unusual. The last girl found that out immediately.

My only chance is to hope she's okay with it, because she's probably not going to like it.

It's better to be who you are than having to change your personality to please someone. Let her do most of the talking if you like and hopefully it'll be okay for you. Let us know how this goes!

 

[sullyS25]

You are running scenarios in your head and have no idea as to the validity of them. I do it too. They are irrational....Concentrate on this moment and don't worry about the future or the past....Right now....at this moment you are good man she is going to meet up with you...leave it at that. It is hard I know but concentrate on your situation right now....you have a date soon. There are numerous guys on here that don't have that and haven't had it for a long time either....Try and be grateful...the more you concentrate on what might go wrong in the future, the more likely it will happen....You cannot be yourself if you are constantly worrying how she will perceive you at the end of the date....it is impossible....Try and be intensely involved in the conversation with her when you are with her, intensely in the moment....the noises all around...the temperature and what she is saying... If you are completely present when you are with her you cannot go wrong....if you spend the whole time worrying about what she is going to think about you in the future it will lead to suffering.......Try and be completely there, observe your thoughts and when you realize they have drifted into the future or the past just remember that the present moment is what matters. Right now just be grateful you have a date.

This is what I try and do all the time and the times I have been successful, I have left the date feeling awesome.....Maybe you don't think it will work....It sure does help my anxiety and has done wonders for me... Gratitude is huge right now though man....You have a date!!! I wish I was in your shoes right now. Screw this SAD label man done let it define who you are it is just a name, a label.....many people have learned to socialize after being like this and you can too just don't use it as an excuse for failing with a women you haven't even gone out with yet that is still interested in seeing you right NOW! That is a waste of a good date man!

 

[Jamovik]

The girls seem to be just as uninteresting on online dating sites as they are in real life, so I haven't tried getting a date that way.

 

[OceanMist]

You are running scenarios in your head and have no idea as to the validity of them. I do it too. They are irrational....Concentrate on this moment and don't worry about the future or the past....Right now....at this moment you are good man she is going to meet up with you...leave it at that. It is hard I know but concentrate on your situation right now....you have a date soon. There are numerous guys on here that don't have that and haven't had it for a long time either....Try and be grateful...the more you concentrate on what might go wrong in the future, the more likely it will happen....You cannot be yourself if you are constantly worrying how she will perceive you at the end of the date....it is impossible....Try and be intensely involved in the conversation with her when you are with her, intensely in the moment....the noises all around...the temperature and what she is saying... If you are completely present when you are with her you cannot go wrong....if you spend the whole time worrying about what she is going to think about you in the future it will lead to suffering.......Try and be completely there, observe your thoughts and when you realize they have drifted into the future or the past just remember that the present moment is what matters. Right now just be grateful you have a date.

This is what I try and do all the time and the times I have been successful, I have left the date feeling awesome.....Maybe you don't think it will work....It sure does help my anxiety and has done wonders for me... Gratitude is huge right now though man....You have a date!!! I wish I was in your shoes right now. Screw this SAD label man done let it define who you are it is just a name, a label.....many people have learned to socialize after being like this and you can too just don't use it as an excuse for failing with a women you haven't even gone out with yet that is still interested in seeing you right NOW! That is a waste of a good date man!

I know, thanks for the advice. The present matters. I'm terrified of the present. I've realized I'm overthinking the entire thing, as I do a lot of things. I just need to let the situation be. I'll study conversation starters and just go in there as myself. The worst that happens is she doesn't like me. The positive thing is that I've just recently experienced rejection that was pretty bad (1 night and done) so this can't be much worse if she rejects me on the first night.

I'm just going to go in there and just go through with it. Let's face it, I'm going to be nervous no matter what. The only thing I have to do is have the balls to show up, the rest will play itself out. I don't want to think about details really.

I shouldn't forget the reason I'm doing this. I'm doing this to have a companion, somebody to talk to. The risk is worth the reward. If she likes me and we become friends at least, then I've won. I could have a friend that is a woman for the first time in my life. That would be fantastic for me. If she rejects, then it's just another failure and where I am now. It would hurt, but not as bad as avoiding women for the rest of my life.

 

[MikeyC]

conversation starters

How much does a polar bear weigh?

Just enough to break the ice!

I'm just going to go in there and just go through with it. Let's face it, I'm going to be nervous no matter what. The only thing I have to do is have the balls to show up, the rest will play itself out. I don't want to think about details really.

Perfect attitude! You never know how these things are going to turn out so just take it in your stride and enjoy the journey.

 

[OceanMist]

Okay, I went through with the first date and just did the follow-up call this evening.

So, how did the first date go. The entire day was full of worry. I got more and more afraid as the clock ticked and for that 20 minutes that I went to the restaurant and waited was the scariest moment of my life. More scary than the first time because this time I had to meet a woman I'd never met b4 in a restaurant that had people in it.

The date went well, surprisingly. I lucked out and the woman is a chatty gal with a fun personality. She is an interesting person. I got a good vibe from her during the date, so I'm pretty sure she must be okay with me to a certain extent. And she agreed to a 2nd date, so she must be okay with something about me.

I felt an out of body experience in a good way when I talked to her. I couldn't believe me, the guy who has hidden from the social world besides work was talking to a woman on a date and it felt like it was going well.

I called her this evening and we talked for about 30 minutes or so. Even before that and today, I had a ton of worry. I was again terrified right before talking to her and just pushing the call button was like flirting with death.

Both times talking to her I had a slow start. I get so nervous that I don't know what to say at times. I think she may know that but she can't hate it that much if she's still talking to me, right.

It's tough, man. It's tough with the anxiety I feel, the fear. Then talking doesn't always come natural to me, there are many times where i just don't have topics to come up with. The anxiety makes me feel so much different.

Then I've got the whole situation of that I don't hang out with my friends and live at my parents house, lol. I haven't confessed either of those things but I do have excuses prepared.

Overall, I'm just happy I'm talking to a woman that seems to be okay with talking with me. Gosh, the last time I went this long with a woman was 6 or 7 years ago. I may keep everyone updated. I know i've kind of turned this thread into a journal of me but it feels so good to get this stuff off my chest and at least have someone see what I'm thinking.

 

[MikeyC]

That's fantastic, OceanMist! You've managed to find a compatible girl and it seems you're both into each other. I hope everything works out.

 

[HeadFace]

One of my old friend's seems to only date online for some reason. It concerned me though. Even when they guy's were in her area, she never even attempted to meet up, and always rejected the idea.
And I know for a fact she is who she says she is - We've been on the phone, I have her on Facebook and I see kids from her school post on here wall and whatnot. So I guess it's just some extreme shyness that she's been hiding :\

Anyway... I've been in one or two longdistant/online relationships. To be honest, back then I didnt really know what I was doing. Those were like 2 or 3 years ago. And my last actual relationship (I mean. IRL.) was over a year ago. I did tell this girl who I met through the internet (long distant, again) that I had feelings for her, but got rejected.
Anyway, I don't plan on using any dating sites. I prefer to just wait for the right one instead of putting myself out their literally. That is, if I don't die alone with 50 ****ing cats

 

[Kiwong]

Congrats Ocean mist and good luck.

 

[megalon]

I've stopped doing anything with my dating profile. I just let it sit idle as sort of a social experiment so I can go on and see what kind of girls are viewing it and if any of them like it enough to initiate contact which does happen once in a while. I'm sure the fact that I live at home, not mentioned in the profile, is at the top of every girl's deal-breaker list so I'm not going to waste anyone's time by sending them messages until I can move out.

 

[OceanMist]

I think this quote relates to men and what they have to do to get a date:

Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not one has better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on one's ideas, to take a calculated risk - and to act. -Maxwell Martz

If only I could live up to that quote.

Food for thought, thought the quote was interesting. I think I'm starting to realize that getting a date has everything to do with courage. It explains why I've been a failure for the past 5 or 6 years or whatever.

 

[OceanMist]

We went on our 2nd meeting. I'll call it a meeting because I'm not sure if she is interested in a relationship or friendship, I'm having trouble reading her.

We went downtown and I had a ton of anxiety before I went there and anxiety when I was there. It was so bad that it took away my hunger and I only ate half my plate. It went similar to the first meeting we had, we talked and connected on an okay level, I guess. She does the bulk of talking while I throw in comments or questions.

I planned on kissing her at the end of the date, but once I got to that point I wanted nothing to do with that. This rush of anxiety came over me that made me feel like I didn't want any kind of body contact whatsoever. We hugged again and that was awkward because I was so nervous. It sure didn't help that 50 people were walking by us at the time.

After I got home, this big wave of depression came over me. Even today, I still feel depressed.

I'm disappointed because I thought that talking to someone in person would help me, but I still feel terrible. I feel so lonely and not a part of society.

The entire thing feels like so much work. I thought I'd want to keep calling her, but I don't feel like that. It's weird because I didn't mind talking to her but once I leave her I don't want to call her because it seems like so much work. I don't understand why I feel like crap.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I can't be happy. I mean I have a friend right now and I'm still unhappy, and then when I didn't have anyone I was unhappy. Maybe I'm just incapable of happiness? I'm always depressed.

 

[MikeyC]

You're just nervous, mate. Think about her rationally and ask yourself if she's someone you want to see. With it being a second date, the two of you obviously connect on some level so keep at it if you want to continue seeing her.

 

[OceanMist]

We are going to meet at a bar tomorrow. It's funny because I haven't been to a bar in years. I'm afraid of just being around people, but bars take the cake with that. A bunch of young, judgmental drunks.....an SA person's dream right? Haha.

She keeps talking to me. I'm not one of those mind-reader guys, so I'm not quite sure what her intentions are. I was a bit surprised that she wants to meet on a Thursday night. She works on Friday and I'm pretty sure she has to get up at like 7AM or something.

I'm still afraid of going places and being around people. I'm also nervous about talking to her. That may never go away. At least I'm getting out sparingly, I guess. Staying in my house every night wasn't healthy.

The worst part is right when you get to the place and see it, and the entire time you walk in and have to find the person I'm meeting. I get so nervous, it's like I can't even think straight.

 

[SM1010]

I'm meeting a woman from a dating site at a bar tomorrow too.

We are going to meet at a bar tomorrow. It's funny because I haven't been to a bar in years. I'm afraid of just being around people, but bars take the cake with that. A bunch of young, judgmental drunks.....an SA person's dream right? Haha.

No. Bars aren't high schools. People go to bars to drink alcohol and forget about their problems, not to judge people. You're over thinking things. Plus alcohol is kind of good at calming the nerves, which is good in your case.

I'm still afraid of going places and being around people. I'm also nervous about talking to her. That may never go away. At least I'm getting out sparingly, I guess. Staying in my house every night wasn't healthy.

This is good. Exposure therapy to dating AND crowds/public places. This is exactly why I recommend online dating to everyone with SA. Two birds with one stone.

Stop only looking at the negatives. This is great experience for you, no matter what happens with the girl. The more you do this the more comfortable you'll get with future dates.

 

[OceanMist]

I'm meeting a woman from a dating site at a bar tomorrow too.



No. Bars aren't high schools. People go to bars to drink alcohol and forget about their problems, not to judge people. You're over thinking things. Plus alcohol is kind of good at calming the nerves, which is good in your case.



This is good. Exposure therapy to dating AND crowds/public places. This is exactly why I recommend online dating to everyone with SA. Two birds with one stone.

Stop only looking at the negatives. This is great experience for you, no matter what happens with the girl. The more you do this the more comfortable you'll get with future dates.

I think there is something wrong with me because I don't feel very excited about this.

I wasn't saying bars are high schools, I was saying they are hotbeds for college students. From my own personal experience, college students tend to judge me more than any other age group.

Yes, I'm overthinking this, and I shouldn't worry about what they think. The thing that I can't control though, is my anxiety. It still hits me hardcore when I go places, especially bars for some reason.

I'm pretty messed up because the negatives always are more powerful than the positives with these meet-ups for me before and after I see the person. Maybe it will get easier and I'll stop hating being around all those people. I guess we'll see what happens.

I'm sorry if I'm being negative, but negative is how I feel when I confront my fears. It hurts like hell every time I go out. I feel like I'm walking in a building to my death. I'm even terrified of open urinals.

 

[xlisax]

I met my boyfriend on a dating
We chatted for a month or 2 before finally meeting, we have now been together nearly 5 months.
I was positive nothing would come of online dating but I have to say its the best thing Ive done in a while.