Online Dating: ratios

[dutchguy]

After a whole bunch of ghosting and ignored messages when I was a part of the OKC community I slowly came to this belief: The founders and operators of these dating sites aren't invested in curing our lonliness, they're invested in taking our money. And the more time we spend on their dumb website, the more likely it is we'll keep giving them money. Let me get this straight: with all of the mind-blowing technological advancements of our age y'all still can't design a dating app that provides a better than 5-10% chance of having my message answered? Shrink a users inbox to a maximum of 5 messages and don't allow more to be sent to them until they've been dealt with, or SOME type of negative reinforcement to make messaging seem less like carpet bombing to the sender! My stay on OKC skewed my outlook on the world of dating because I don't believe anymore there is any dating app/site anywhere primarily meant to help me find someone. The industry is fueled by greed and the preying on emotions.

Oh, absolutely! Back in the early days of OKCupid, I used to have plenty of conversations and even dates... but then online dating became mainstream and turned into an industry to exploit the lonely. I've heard plenty of people say that these days you have a much better chance of meeting someone IRL than on any dating site, and I tend to agree with them.

Of course, dating sites still have to result in a success story every once in a while for people to actually use them, but in general they thrive on keeping people in a perpetual loop of messaging and getting ghosted.

 

[OceanMist]

To Hot Tamale: I totally agree that it's all about money for these sites.

They could care less whether someone finds someone.

It's a business, I knew that coming into this whole thing, so I'm not really mad about it or anything. It is what it is.

The dating sites love guys like me. Loners who are looking for a gal. People like me tend to turn to online dating at least a few times in their life

Of course guys tend to have more money (i know i myself am not rich as i stated) and guys are WAY more willing to pony up money to find a woman so these sites bank off of men swarming these sites so the ratios are totally tilted in women's favor.

Something I've noticed on match . com is it lets me see who has read my message yet.

I wasn't too surprised when I scanned down a list of women that i messaged and so many of them hadn't read my message like 2 days after i sent the message.

It was like a list of my sent messages that say "not yet read" like 5 or 6 women in a row it says that in my sent messages list.

What's happening is these women are being swarmed by messages.

I think there are cases where the woman literally doesn't even see my message and I don't blame her because she is responding to 20 new guys a day tossing messages at her.

It becomes impossible keep up with that many emails. It's no wonder so many of these women delete their accounts shortly after signing up.

What I don't like is this: Me and many other guys can attest to this. We usually read our emails. It's just totally different as a guy. If a girl initiates the message, there is pretty much a guarantee i will read that email within two days.

But when you flip it around the girl gets a message from a new guy and that message often never gets read....ever.

Then you see what's happening. Not only are there way less women on these sites than men, we have women that aren't even reading our message attempts.

The odds of finding someone as a male start getting pretty bad. Even for a guy sending a decent amount of messages.

 

[OceanMist]

What happened today has happened so many times and it is so frustrating.

I get a wink on match . com from a girl with a girl's name so I figure, sweet, let's see their profile and maybe I might like her.

I open up the profile and find out she's a transexual. It is a man. They even sprinkled in their guy's name near the end of the profile (luckily they did say this which clarified they are a man).

Look i have nothing against those type of people, but do you know how frustrating it is to have so many guys using women's name as their user name and showing interest in me only to click their profile and find out it is a man that is showing dating interest in me?

It seriously is like a punch in the face.

I also believe it shows us how bad it is for men out there, that so many of them turn to being a woman just so they can have someone to talk to.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

@oceanmist
No kidding, I can't even laugh at your misfortune because I've been "punched in the face" a lot too.

I'm talking with a girl near my own age for about a month. Things are going smoothly and she agrees to go out with me. I take the day off of work 2 weeks in advance and ask her "okay, let's hammer out the details of where we will meet, etc etc" I get into the shower after I send her that text confirming our first date. When I get out of the shower I see a text from her saying she doesn't want to do this anymore, she's sorry, and I never hear from her again. She even deleted her OKC profile.

I'm chatting with a girl I get along fantastic with. It even got to the point where she hadn't given me her phone number yet and still messaged me on the website asking where I was after I didn't message her for a full day. It made me feel wanted. Fast forward a little less than a month later...I get this text: "my ex texted me" I remember where I was and what I was doing, it's like the memory of receiving that text message is burned into my skull forever. You can guess where my relationship went with her from that point on.

To come so, so, so, so close to a date (first in my life in my case) and have it collapse like that makes me want to curse at the top of my lungs.

 

[Bronson99]

I mean I'm fine with what I have but you know what? apparently any women who is halfway decent looking isn't fine with what i have.

To say it's not all about money at this point is kind of lying to me.

I told you the entire online thing is about money, months ago. All sites, everywhere. Guys who look model-esque can do what they want, though. But if you're not a model the next thing they look for is money. That's it. On one site I had women from out-of-state sending long emails asking "what's your occupation?" in the first message.

At least you believe me now.

Get out of the game entirely. How else will you be able to keep yourself from becoming blackhearted, cynical, and angry all the time? How else can you keep your self-esteem?

 

[dutchguy]

@oceanmist
No kidding, I can't even laugh at your misfortune because I've been "punched in the face" a lot too.

I'm talking with a girl near my own age for about a month. Things are going smoothly and she agrees to go out with me. I take the day off of work 2 weeks in advance and ask her "okay, let's hammer out the details of where we will meet, etc etc" I get into the shower after I send her that text confirming our first date. When I get out of the shower I see a text from her saying she doesn't want to do this anymore, she's sorry, and I never hear from her again. She even deleted her OKC profile.

I'm chatting with a girl I get along fantastic with. It even got to the point where she hadn't given me her phone number yet and still messaged me on the website asking where I was after I didn't message her for a full day. It made me feel wanted. Fast forward a little less than a month later...I get this text: "my ex texted me" I remember where I was and what I was doing, it's like the memory of receiving that text message is burned into my skull forever. You can guess where my relationship went with her from that point on.

To come so, so, so, so close to a date (first in my life in my case) and have it collapse like that makes me want to curse at the top of my lungs.

Wow, I can only imagine how awful you must have felt. I guess what you can take solace in is that unless the universe keeps conspiring against you, that first date will happen sooner or later.

I think we all have similar stories although none of mine are that bad. A while ago I had set up a date with a girl, hammered out the details and was about to head out when I sent her a final message to call me on my cell in case anything came up. She quickly replied with a "oh wow, you've not headed out yet I hope? I thought it wasn't going to happen since we didn't talk yesterday".

I still haven't given up entirely on online dating though; I me my first girlfriend through OKCupid and even though I hate the direction the "industry of exploiting loneliness" has gone in over the last couple of years, it's still an easier way to meet people than talking to strangers in bars. I only wish there was a better way to deal with the psychological fallout from the near-constant rejection and ghosting. It takes a toll, as most of you well know.

 

[OceanMist]

@oceanmist
No kidding, I can't even laugh at your misfortune because I've been "punched in the face" a lot too.

I'm talking with a girl near my own age for about a month. Things are going smoothly and she agrees to go out with me. I take the day off of work 2 weeks in advance and ask her "okay, let's hammer out the details of where we will meet, etc etc" I get into the shower after I send her that text confirming our first date. When I get out of the shower I see a text from her saying she doesn't want to do this anymore, she's sorry, and I never hear from her again. She even deleted her OKC profile.

I'm chatting with a girl I get along fantastic with. It even got to the point where she hadn't given me her phone number yet and still messaged me on the website asking where I was after I didn't message her for a full day. It made me feel wanted. Fast forward a little less than a month later...I get this text: "my ex texted me" I remember where I was and what I was doing, it's like the memory of receiving that text message is burned into my skull forever. You can guess where my relationship went with her from that point on.

To come so, so, so, so close to a date (first in my life in my case) and have it collapse like that makes me want to curse at the top of my lungs.

I can tell you a few things about your post.

As for myself, i've been on a bunch of dates before. I'm not bragging i just feel that may be something that should be stated.

What happened to you in your post.....very similar things have happened to me.....dozens of times, maybe hundreds of times.

Girls flake all the time.

After doing this for a while, you kind of get used it. It's just like, oh she stopped responding, that's normal. It really does get to that point.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

I can tell you a few things about your post.

As for myself, i've been on a bunch of dates before. I'm not bragging i just feel that may be something that should be stated.

What happened to you in your post.....very similar things have happened to me.....dozens of times, maybe hundreds of times.

Girls flake all the time.

After doing this for a while, you kind of get used it. It's just like, oh she stopped responding, that's normal. It really does get to that point.

Thanks, and I agree I'm capable of feeling that way like you, but I never reached that point the same as you where it's like water off a ducks back. I was still getting angry and then depressed it was happening. But I did reach the point where I was comfortable writing whatever I wanted and posting whichever pictures I wanted. When I had first created an account I was too terrified to do either.

 

[OceanMist]

Hey everybody.

It looks like i'm gonna tone down on the online dating a bit.

I was gonna meet a girl on Saturday night but I felt like i did last time when the date went terribly so i just didn't quite finish setting up the date.

We both just sort of didn't say anything when it came time plan when and where the date was.

What i'm planning on doing is learning to relax my body more because right now i do have an anxiety disorder and I should fix myself first before i start going around again meeting a bunch of women.

The problem isn't just the fact that dating is tough for men but the problem is with me.

I'm still gonna send messages but i'm not gonna be trying too hard to actually meet women in person.

If they say they want to meet i'll say yes probably. But if nobody sets it up and i get a bad feeling then i may not "be the man" and plan everything out.

This is probably a good way to do things for now.

I'm planning on doing at least an hour of relaxation exercises a day. I will let everyone know how it's going.

I just don't think i was ready for this dating thing. That's why i was complaining so much, i think.

it's amazing, i'm 33 years old and not ready to date yet. Amazing isn't it?

I may not be ready until i'm 40 years old, or maybe 50 years old....or maybe never.

We'll see.

 

[Jungle]

Hello guys,

Having no experience whatsoever in dating, I decided to give a go to some application called Badoo, with the hope of getting in touch with Russian speaking women around Paris, to, well ... 'exchange' some polyglot 'experience' if I can call it like that, and not draw the moderators' attention.

Upon my subscription, I immediately get notifications like 'X wants to chat', to my great surprise some of them are Russian speakers, so naturally I text them, explaining straight forward what I was here for. All my texts were read and noone of the ladies had the decency to even reply.

Considering it was the person that wanted to chat in the first place, I found it cheeky, so I sent a message again expressing my irritation. Just one answered me by saying 'I get 200 messages all day from guys, I cannot reply to everyone'.

Many women are so full of themselves!
What stunned me the most was the fact that the app lets you check who liked you for a 3€ fee a month to have access to premium functionalities. What a joke! I am not that desperate, let alone, these could be from transsexuals or something, like you guys said in the first pages of this thread.

Honestly, things like that make me feel sooooo good about myself, to know that the world is full of this kind of women.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

Many women are so full of themselves!
What stunned me the most was the fact that the app lets you check who liked you for a 3€ fee a month to have access to premium functionalities. What a joke! I am not that desperate, let alone, these could be from transsexuals or something, like you guys said in the first pages of this thread.

Honestly, things like that make me feel sooooo good about myself, to know that the world is full of this kind of women.

I'm sorry to hear you had such a horrible experience, dating sites really are a bunch of baloney. I paid for a months subscription one time too...that was pretty much a waste. What purpose do dating sites serve for men I wonder?

 

[Bronson99]

Honestly, things like that make me feel sooooo good about myself, to know that the world is full of this kind of women.

Hate to break it to you, but that's just the tip of the iceberg, mate. Wait until you're 3 years in and still fooling around on those sites, with no dates and nothing to show for it.

It goes without saying, don't bother.

The digital age has contributed to this idea of women having "unlimited choice" in mates which in a sense becomes accurate in some ways, because of imbalanced gender ratios (online) and other factors. But in other ways, that is very misleading and unrealistic. But that's now "taught" essentially; I'm afraid once the cat left the bag, you can't put it back in the bag.

The best idea is to meet women in real life, and hope they're not the same ones who use dating services in the ways you mention.

I got into this argument before about who has it worse and still conclude neither gender is fair or just, and in fact, most people have hypocritical qualities anyway. But this problem of "high supply" and "low demand" in terms of men, is very depressing and jarring for individuals to deal with. It is merciless. And the digital age itself, the way these sites/companies are set up, has created a monstrosity. The only thing your average guy can learn from joining, is this "men are disposable" concept. Why sign up for that?

 

[Hot_Tamale]

^ yep, that pretty much answered my question.

 

[Jungle]

Hate to break it to you, but that's just the tip of the iceberg, mate. Wait until you're 3 years in and still fooling around on those sites, with no dates and nothing to show for it.

It goes without saying, don't bother.

The digital age has contributed to this idea of women having "unlimited choice" in mates which in a sense becomes accurate in some ways, because of imbalanced gender ratios (online) and other factors. But in other ways, that is very misleading and unrealistic. But that's now "taught" essentially; I'm afraid once the cat left the bag, you can't put it back in the bag.

The best idea is to meet women in real life, and hope they're not the same ones who use dating services in the ways you mention.

I got into this argument before about who has it worse and still conclude neither gender is fair or just, and in fact, most people have hypocritical qualities anyway. But this problem of "high supply" and "low demand" in terms of men, is very depressing and jarring for individuals to deal with. It is merciless. And the digital age itself, the way these sites/companies are set up, has created a monstrosity. The only thing your average guy can learn from joining, is this "men are disposable" concept. Why sign up for that?

Wonderfully said.

Besides, deep down, I probably don't want to be partnering with such kind of women, the 'normal ones' are most likely not even on these platforms.

The best way to get a reaction from women that read but don't answer (especially the ones who describe themselves as "respectful" and "patient") is to send them things like 'You've said enough to make me have an idea about your personality, no need to say anymore'

I've been acting kind of boldly and crazy towards women I barely know lately, I got an instructor that's doing her Ph.d., she's about my age. Yesterday I told her something like 'if I chat you up, is there any chance I could get extra marks for the teaching unit? Please don't mistake it for harassment, my aim is not to have a lower grade' She ended up laughing.

Another time, I did a similar thing, I was seated in the computer room and beckoned her over to ask her a question about what I was simulating. There was no chair, and she usually doesn't sit to explain. So I tried to yield my seat in a seemingly submissive way. She declined naturally, then I tell her 'Every attempt is good to have my grades pumped up', same reaction on her end.


I am neither looking for sex nor easy women (makes me even more paranoid, actually), I'll stick to the polyglot meetups, many cute girls there.

 

[OceanMist]

Hate to break it to you, but that's just the tip of the iceberg, mate. Wait until you're 3 years in and still fooling around on those sites, with no dates and nothing to show for it.

It goes without saying, don't bother.

The digital age has contributed to this idea of women having "unlimited choice" in mates which in a sense becomes accurate in some ways, because of imbalanced gender ratios (online) and other factors. But in other ways, that is very misleading and unrealistic. But that's now "taught" essentially; I'm afraid once the cat left the bag, you can't put it back in the bag.

The best idea is to meet women in real life, and hope they're not the same ones who use dating services in the ways you mention.

I got into this argument before about who has it worse and still conclude neither gender is fair or just, and in fact, most people have hypocritical qualities anyway. But this problem of "high supply" and "low demand" in terms of men, is very depressing and jarring for individuals to deal with. It is merciless. And the digital age itself, the way these sites/companies are set up, has created a monstrosity. The only thing your average guy can learn from joining, is this "men are disposable" concept. Why sign up for that?

This is one of the most honest comments i've ever seen about dating in today's age.

The sad truth and the reason i began this thread is basically what you said.

That the women have unlimited options.

It really changes the way they see each individual man.

I can actually see every women's so many options....it literally comes through in the way to speak to me online.

You can just see that they have a hundred men standing in line waiting for me to say one thing that isn't perfect.

It's their dynamic, the women, when they are talking. They are perfectly fine with disposing me within seconds. At least most of them are.

I may talk more on this later but i just want to say i appreciate your comments so much. You are so honest.

 

[Jungle]

What am I going to talk about is not related to Online Dating, but I think it's the best analogy there could ever be to 'Liking' someone's profile and/or sending a message saying 'I find you cute...etc'

It was this week's Thursday, I felt in a really over confident/reckless mood, I had to commute between my two colleges, and on my way out I gathered some wild flowers with the intent of giving them to whomever I found good looking, whatever the age (I mean not to teenagers or below).

On my train journey, I gave the first one to a girl around my age. She said thank you and put her on her hair, smiling.
The second one was given at the end of the day to a 40sh years old woman, she just said thanks.
I felt really good about that, I didn't have any hidden intentions, just to curious to see women's reaction.

On that night, I went to my usual Polyglot meetup, had a chat with some Russian speakers. There was a girl whom I met once, we've had a chat the week before.

I just found her cute, certainly not my type, but I felt in a bold mood and wanted to see her reaction. She was about to head home, so I thought "It's now or maybe never", and told her these words in French "I am not drunk, so I have no excuse to be that straightforward, but I find you cute, and was wondering if I could have your phone number" , she laughed and said that she found me really funny, but that she doesn't give her number to people that she barely knows, along with some nonsense excuses she tried to feed me. [Considering that the week before, she gave her phone number to a guy she met the same day as me], I didn't want to act like a ****, so I just settled for "I understand, this is a polite way of saying no" , she kept smiling and throwing excuses at me, that was pitiful....

I don't blame her for not saying the truth, because, giving it straight to people to compliment them is not the same as being honest to do the opposite, like in my case "I don't find you cute, because you have big ears, a big nose.....etc"

At the end, it felt good, even though I was rejected. But I wouldn't mind, because I wasn't looking for a relationship with her, just wanted to speak my mind and have a reaction. Instead of a "Read" and no replies.


Consider this my personal revenge on Badoo. For liking profiles / sending them messages and not getting reactions.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

That took a lot of balls Jungle, poetic justice.

The important thing is that you did it, not how they responded. You're not a lecherous guy or anything, so how they react is their concern, not yours.

 

[Sarah_M]

What am I going to talk about is not related to Online Dating, but I think it's the best analogy there could ever be to 'Liking' someone's profile and/or sending a message saying 'I find you cute...etc'

It was this week's Thursday, I felt in a really over confident/reckless mood, I had to commute between my two colleges, and on my way out I gathered some wild flowers with the intent of giving them to whomever I found good looking, whatever the age (I mean not to teenagers or below).

On my train journey, I gave the first one to a girl around my age. She said thank you and put her on her hair, smiling.
The second one was given at the end of the day to a 40sh years old woman, she just said thanks.
I felt really good about that, I didn't have any hidden intentions, just to curious to see women's reaction.

On that night, I went to my usual Polyglot meetup, had a chat with some Russian speakers. There was a girl whom I met once, we've had a chat the week before.

I just found her cute, certainly not my type, but I felt in a bold mood and wanted to see her reaction. She was about to head home, so I thought "It's now or maybe never", and told her these words in French "I am not drunk, so I have no excuse to be that straightforward, but I find you cute, and was wondering if I could have your phone number" , she laughed and said that she found me really funny, but that she doesn't give her number to people that she barely knows, along with some nonsense excuses she tried to feed me. [Considering that the week before, she gave her phone number to a guy she met the same day as me], I didn't want to act like a ****, so I just settled for "I understand, this is a polite way of saying no" , she kept smiling and throwing excuses at me, that was pitiful....

I don't blame her for not saying the truth, because, giving it straight to people to compliment them is not the same as being honest to do the opposite, like in my case "I don't find you cute, because you have big ears, a big nose.....etc"

At the end, it felt good, even though I was rejected. But I wouldn't mind, because I wasn't looking for a relationship with her, just wanted to speak my mind and have a reaction. Instead of a "Read" and no replies.


Consider this my personal revenge on Badoo. For liking profiles / sending them messages and not getting reactions.

I definitely agree with Fountain - that took some balls, so good job on that.

I'm not looking for an argument, but something stood out to me in your post; you said "I gathered some wild flowers with the intent of giving them to whomever I found good looking, whatever the age (I mean not to teenagers or below)". You decided to hand out flowers on the same basis as your rejection - because of looks. Rejection sucks and even though you said you weren't bothered by it, based on what you wrote, it certainly seems like you were.

My point is: We're all interested in looks. No matter how much you may say they don't matter. So next time you feel like the rejectee, bare in mind that you are probably also rejecting others, too.
Just something to think about...

 

[Kiwong]

The chances of striking up even a halfway intelligent conversation on dating sites is low.

 

[Jungle]

I definitely agree with Fountain - that took some balls, so good job on that.

I'm not looking for an argument, but something stood out to me in your post; you said "I gathered some wild flowers with the intent of giving them to whomever I found good looking, whatever the age (I mean not to teenagers or below)". You decided to hand out flowers on the same basis as your rejection - because of looks. Rejection sucks and even though you said you weren't bothered by it, based on what you wrote, it certainly seems like you were.

My point is: We're all interested in looks. No matter how much you may say they don't matter. So next time you feel like the rejectee, bare in mind that you are probably also rejecting others, too.
Just something to think about...

Hello Sarah_M,

I was up to the same thing today, I ended up handing the remaining ones to whatever lady I'd come across, thinking about being nice to them. I did it before reading your reply, and yes, I agree, looks is what influences my choices, but even if I don't find a woman my type I'd still give them to her.

Being rejected by that girl didn't bother me at all, because she wasn't my type, and because if I really cared about having a relationship, I'd be too nervous, and would never consider going berserk like I did.

What bothers me on the other hand is having my messages being "Read" and not answered. Even if there were a not-so-nice reply, I'd take it. Because the person took me into consideration and I'd feel respected, that's as far as it goes.

I also got some stares and looks expressing some degree of astonishment in the metro.