Online Dating: ratios

[anxiety1408]

I've recently tried using tinder, pof and okcupid for a few weeks to look for a relationship, I'm a guy and I was disappointed at how many superficial women I came across

I never sent a hey what's up message, I always asked something for example about their interests, and after messaging many prospects I got 1 reply. I just find it rude, that people ignore your genuine message.

I'm probs a 5/6 out of 10, just average. But I really thought there'd be someone who's not just after looks, but it seems a lot of women are, and that's a real shame.

I feel like giving up, sometimes I get the apps, use it a bit, delete, start again. I've wanted a girlfriend for a while, I don't enjoy feeling alone and depressed at university not knowing anybody outside my course, just sitting or laying in my room with my thoughts, would be good to find someone nice to spend time with.

 

[Bronson99]

I thought it might have been similar to what you had. Maybe not as similar as i thought then eh?

But i like the way he thinks - some very wise, sensible stuff he wrote there (but okay maybe some of only relates to his situation).
Sometimes i think like that, when i'm more down than up.

Just last night, i was dragged to a pub. One of the bartender girls at one point was staring at me. And i thought i heard from another girl coworker 'You like him!'. If it was a sign of interest from a complete stranger, then i failed to capitalized on it once again. I should have waved, or said hello. But no, i did nothing (except stare back). I'd probably have to go there again, but i'm suffering much anxiety & troubled thoughts/feelings because of that outing, so i'm not really sure i care to repeat it any time soon. And i think i got called a 'douche' by a guy, which didn't help (but i may have imagined it amidst words being spoken, who know .. i am very sensitive to putdowns/labels thrust upon me).

It's worth trying again anyway. Repetition in familiar surroundings (if you are autistic) is the only way to break through the sensory-distress barrier as you learn to block out the irrelevant (noise and other conversations), and keep the relevant (for example, a girl showing interest) which can only be done by rote.

And if you're able to drink alcohol (I cannot, it makes me feel awful) you have a big advantage which I don't have.

Keep trying, man.

 

[Bronson99]

I've recently tried using tinder, pof and okcupid for a few weeks to look for a relationship, I'm a guy and I was disappointed at how many superficial women I came across

I never sent a hey what's up message, I always asked something for example about their interests, and after messaging many prospects I got 1 reply. I just find it rude, that people ignore your genuine message.

I'm probs a 5/6 out of 10, just average. But I really thought there'd be someone who's not just after looks, but it seems a lot of women are, and that's a real shame.

I feel like giving up, sometimes I get the apps, use it a bit, delete, start again. I've wanted a girlfriend for a while, I don't enjoy feeling alone and depressed at university not knowing anybody outside my course, just sitting or laying in my room with my thoughts, would be good to find someone nice to spend time with.

It's not just looks even though that is probably the most important.

It's also photos and/or the ability to convey excitement. The ability to look "socially normal" in other words, which is usually hard for any guy with SA or mild autism. You'll need good photos.

Another way would be "good money" or "good career," but since you're young that's not too important yet.

Another curveball which may help you with some women is blatant honesty or authenticity, which means being honest about your social issues and passionate about your interests or what kind of woman you're looking for. This is probably the least effective out of all of these approaches but it could work if the right woman sees your profile.

If you don't have extreme rejection sensitivity, you might as well keep trying and attempt to use something I suggested above.

 

[lily]

It's not that smart to generalize... that's like saying women in general are gold diggers. Not cool. Or all people with SA are weird.

Yes there are men out there who are selfish and shallow, but there are a lot of good men out there too. Just like some women ARE gold diggers, certainly not all, but some.

Yea, generalizing.. not cool man.

I thought I'd put my writing in here. personality is definitely more important in a relat'nship than how you look. it doesn't matter how good-looking a guy is they're ugly if they have a bad personality/ugly on the inside. what do you other men think/your opinion in regards to women even if you already replied?

 

[Hot_Tamale]

I thought I'd put my writing in here. personality is definitely more important in a relat'nship than how you look. it doesn't matter how good-looking a guy is they're ugly if they have a bad personality/ugly on the inside. what do you other men think/your opinion in regards to women even if you already replied?

Your post reminds me of a social experiment I ran across online once. A woman created a fake dating profile and described herself as a total narcissistic psycopath. She even claims she's a gold digger and makes fun of homeless people in her fake profile. The funny thing is she still got a ton of messages. Most men simply have no standards when it comes to personality. I'm not referring to anyone on the forum, I'm only speaking in general.

Here's the link to the fake profile story if you want to read it: http://gawker.com/woman-creates-worst-online-dating-profile-ever-gets-1495674285

 

[Lionhearted]

Well, personality is definitely important. Especially if you're trying to hunt down people who are exactly like you. Looks don't have to be important at all - in my opinion, the person just has to be healthy. Obviously, someone who doesn't want to be fit, will always be struggling to keep themselves healthy. Looks are acceptable up to the point where the person is physically fit. After that, it would be a concern. Of course, that is after taking into consideration the fact that the person has a good personality.

 

[lily]

no offence intended but this thread is like about men feeling victimized by women's expectations in which i provided support but when i only posted that personality/on the inside is definitely more important in a relat'nship than how you look and what other men's opinion r there was only 1 reply and then it goes silent, it's so damn superficial on the guy's part on the site then so who is more victimized, the women or the men? it's more than hypocritical.

 

[Bronson99]

no offence intended but this thread is like about men feeling victimized by women's expectations in which i provided support but when i only posted that personality/on the inside is definitely more important in a relat'nship than how you look and what other men's opinion r there was only 1 reply and then it goes silent, it's so damn superficial on the guy's part on the site then so who is more victimized, the women or the men? it's more than hypocritical.

I'm not sure what you want for us to say or what you want for us to agree with.

Even so-called "low status" men have qualities they find attractive, and qualities they don't find attractive. They also be partial to certain looks, and not as partial to other looks. Being partial to a certain type is not inherently shallow.

Everything I've seen suggests women are the same, regardless of whatever their own perceived status may be. Women of any perceived class/status/ whatever are just as likely as men to have a certain type of look they favor, and other types of looks they don't favor.

It is hard for everyone, that much I can agree with; but I maintain it is hard for different reasons typically. With "unexceptional men"--the majority--the problem with online dating is when they send out 4000 messages to different women, there is a very high chance all that effort is wasted because they can expect to meet zero women regardless.

For women, apart from the actual problems I mentioned before (poor behavior from men, too many messages, being overwhelmed, uncertain), the problem is very different. It's more about not being able to find a guy who is good looking as well as tall, in addition to showing higher education, adequate income, social finesse (exciting pictures), all this in one package and they won't even be serious about meeting anyone until this guy shows up or sends a message. Until that point, it's just about getting more attention and boosting ego, etc.

Now that last part is a bit hyperbolic; I don't think every woman thinks or acts that way, but this is the best way I can find to describe how the problems are very different.

And to suggest that a guy with poor social skills, crappy job, or whatever, should not be allowed to have a few preferences (within reason, of course) is not an argument I accept, if that is what you're saying. "Beggars can't be choosers; and the reason I say that is simply because you're a shy/autistic/whatever guy"... that doesn't work for me personally. But whatever.

 

[lily]

thanks at least you replied! but i don't get it. The question was simply that in other men's opinion on here do you agree or disagree with what i said about personality(on the inside- true kindness) is definitely more important in a relationship than looks.

 

[Bronson99]

thanks at least you replied! but i don't get it. The question was simply that in other men's opinion on here do you agree or disagree with what i said about personality(on the inside- true kindness) is definitely more important in a relationship than looks.

Yes, I agree. I'll give you an example. I personally would not want *anything* to do with a shallow woman who places primary importance in climbing the social ladder. In such a case it does not matter how good looking they are, even if they look like a model, I would in fact turn them down even if they showed interest. So yes, an ugly personality invalidates everything else. Thusly, at the end of the day, personality is more important.

At the same time, as I alluded to in the last post, I cannot honestly say that personality is the only thing that matters. Appearance does come into the equation, humans are visual creatures--all of them, both genders. So I must admit there are certain looks I'm attracted to, others not so much. Personally I don't think I have high standards for looks; others I've talked to would say otherwise. The way I think about it is, I look average or a little below; and tend to look for the same in women.
However, this is all subjective.

The question to ask is this: Is it hypocritical to be a guy with social challenges and yet have certain preferences for a woman's appearance? I've had others tell me "absolutely, that's called being a choosy beggar" and others have said "you like what you like; women like what they like; it's even." I don't know what the answer is, really... talking about this stuff is like walking on eggshells.

 

[lily]

hello, I wasn't talking about climbing the social ladder when I spoke about personality definitely being more important. You quoted what I told you yourself. Could you reply again to what I was talking about. thanks but as for your question I don't think it's wrong to have your type.

 

[Bronson99]

It seems communication hasn't worked well here. Each time you say something I try to address it in some way or other, and it seems I'm either talking about a slightly unrelated point or not offering what you're looking for.

You'll just have to accept that or be patient with it; remember I'm on the autistic spectrum and I've a history of misunderstanding what's being said, or saying the wrong things, etc. etc.

It could also be the nature of the internet; there's miscommunication everywhere, it's very common.

That said, I think true kindness is more important in a relationship than looks, I thought that was implied in my last post. Not sure what else to say. I would welcome others to address the point as I don't think I'm getting through.

 

[lily]

Your communication hasn't really worked well for me once, excuse me here. I was looking for other men's opinions on here, that's all. lol jeez. I do accept your opinion you don't have to be so rude. why r you so rude for? I'm suspicious now. I feel perhaps I've been put in a bad light by someone here on the internet. I'm understanding of people's condition. perhaps you don't know me. Now I get your post thanks for your opinion.

 

[Bronson99]

Maybe that last post came across as rude, but that honestly wasn't my intention.

I think the only thing left to say on my part is that sometimes folks communicate in such different ways, there is basically no way for either person to understand what the other is really saying. I think this is exactly what has happened here.

I am surprised still that you would say I never communicated anything you could appreciate, even once. To me that suggests I have serious work to do to learn how to communicate better.

For anyone left reading this thread, I would welcome some actual help on what went wrong in this series of posts, so I can learn from my mistake. (Not being sarcastic; I honestly want to find out what I could do better.) I think the problem is me, of course.

I'm not trying to put anyone in a bad light, right now I'm just trying to learn from what went wrong here, and if you're offended by this post of mine or any other, it's not my intention.

 

[lily]

Your communication hasn't really worked well for me once, excuse me here. I was looking for other men's opinions on here, that's all. lol jeez. I do accept your opinion you don't have to be so rude. why r you so rude for? I'm suspicious now. I feel perhaps I've been put in a bad light by someone here on the internet. I'm understanding of people's condition. perhaps you don't know me. Now I get your post thanks for your opinion.

Do you see the underlined, I complimented you right there. Ok I'm sorry you felt frustrated, sorry. The only thing you did was not directly answer my question but implied it and then went on and repeated yourself about having to be tall which i've spoken to you about before that's all thanks.

 

[theslowesthand]

I think the only thing left to say on my part is that sometimes folks communicate in such different ways, there is basically no way for either person to understand what the other is really saying. I think this is exactly what has happened here.

I think it's a combination of differing communication style, different personalities & complex topic.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

The question was simply that in other men's opinion on here do you agree or disagree with what i said about personality(on the inside- true kindness) is definitely more important in a relationship than looks.

Yes, I agree. I'll give you an example. I personally would not want *anything* to do with a shallow woman who places primary importance in climbing the social ladder. In such a case it does not matter how good looking they are, even if they look like a model, I would in fact turn them down even if they showed interest. So yes, an ugly personality invalidates everything else. Thusly, at the end of the day, personality is more important.

hello, I wasn't talking about climbing the social ladder when I spoke about personality definitely being more important. You quoted what I told you yourself. Could you reply again to what I was talking about.

He did reply to your question about personality being more important than physical appearances in a relationship....? Look at the lines I highlighted. I don't understand what your argument is with Bronson not replying to your question.

I was looking for other men's opinions on here, that's all. lol jeez.

What....? Am I missing something? First it's about not receiving an answer to your question and then it turns into only wanting other men's opinions and then calling him rude? Because I've read every post in this page of the thread several times, maybe I'm not reading between the lines.

 

[lily]

Yes, I agree. I'll give you an example. I personally would not want *anything* to do with a shallow woman who places primary importance in climbing the social ladder.

hello, I wasn't talking about climbing the social ladder when I spoke about personality definitely being more important. You quoted what I told you yourself. Could you reply again to what I was talking about. thanks but as for your question I don't think it's wrong to have your type.

hello, the problem I had was when he told me about not wanting to do anything with a shallow woman who places primary importance in climbing the social ladder so it's based on 'climbing the social ladder', not what I wrote.

I was looking for other men's opinions on here, that's all. lol jeez. I do accept your opinion you don't have to be so rude. why r you so rude for?

I apologized to him already if he was frustrated and he explained and I trust his intentions.

It seems communication hasn't worked well here. Each time you say something I try to address it in some way or other, and it seems I'm either talking about a slightly unrelated point or not offering what you're looking for.

You'll just have to accept that or be patient with it

 

[Hot_Tamale]

hello, the problem I had was when he told me about not wanting to do anything with a shallow woman who places primary importance in climbing the social ladder so it's based on 'climbing the social ladder', not what I wrote.

Oh, I think I understand better now. Thanks for explaining.

 

[Sacrament]

That statement would be closer to reality, if you added a few more words like....
"Beautiful, thin, large breasted women and those with a great figure, usually have it way easier than men in dating"

Incorrect. You'll probably find that women (and men) who are naturally confident and self-depricating have a higher chance of getting laid/finding healthy relationships than objectively good-looking people who are very shy, introverted and have low self-esteem.