Just another journal

[MikeyC]

In order to appease him, I have to tell him I won't do this ever again

Why did you say this? It shows you're bowing to his wants, even if you're not going to.

In fact, why even say anything to him anymore? I still don't understand. He's the worst person in your life from what you write about him.

Being in a relationship is sweet and all, but it doesn't mean that people should suddenly neglect all their friends and family and basically forget about everything else. You could get so absorbed into the relationship that you abandon everything else. I think we should have vibrant lives outside of our relationships. We should continue to cultivate our relations with other people (i.e. friendships, relations with family) as well as continue to pursue our goals in life. It's easy to fall into the trap of codependence where you find yourself being dependent on a relationship for all your happiness. It's good to have some independence where you are free to pursue your interests and hobbies outside of the relationship. Cultivating this sense of independence is essential to growing stronger which is a boon to any relationship. I'm sure if I have a husband, I wouldn't want him to stick to me 24/7, nor would I do that (we're not siamese twins, nor do we wish to be!). Each of us has hobbies, interests, and independent lives outside of the house. I think it makes for more interesting dynamics because we each bring different things to the table to talk about.

A friend of mine pretty much neglected me completely while he was dating my neighbour. It does happen when you become wrapped up in your significant other, unfortunately. I do agree with you, though.

 

[jaim38]

Why did you say this? It shows you're bowing to his wants, even if you're not going to.

In fact, why even say anything to him anymore? I still don't understand. He's the worst person in your life from what you write about him.

I have to say something, otherwise he'll force me to typechat with him again. He's just very good at forcing me and my mom (sometimes my dad) to cater to his needs. I especially dislike it when he forces me to listen to his freakin long rants about how much he hates other people.

So, I've been watching this TED talk by Amy Cuddy about power poses (body language basically).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc

She mentioned that so many people say the mind affects the body, but the reverse can also be true according to her research. I noticed that I adopt low power poses a lot, often subconsciously, so I started adjusting my body postures. When I started walking around, I noticed something that I've probably noticed before: my body started slouching when I'm wearing terrible clothes that don't fit me. As I already mentioned before, I have a habit of being cheap and often wear black, dark, big, loose, and/or hobo clothes. I used to wear them outside and get really bad reactions from people. This really brought down my confidence. Getting fashion advice from my mom, who often buys these clothes for me, doesn't help. I don't know if it's just me, but she thinks big loose shirts look good on me (which is probably why she bought so many for me).

Back on topic. So after slouching and feeling self conscious, I changed out of the shirt into a better fitting shirt. When I walked around in my new shirt, I feel more confident and not as self conscious anymore. Hooray!

I should probably mention that whenever I exercise in big loose shirts, it feels really awkward. When I do downward facing dogs, the shirts would fly in my face and I often have to pull them down. Confession: I need better fitting shirts. Shopping spree coming soon (this time, I'm NOT going to be stingy anymore!)!

 

[jaim38]

A friend of mine pretty much neglected me completely while he was dating my neighbour. It does happen when you become wrapped up in your significant other, unfortunately. I do agree with you, though.

Thanks. I imagine people will have concerns such as "You're giving him/her too much independence. What if your partner cheats behind your back?" I'd say there should be trust in the relationship from both parties. You trust your partner to not do anything shameful. If he/she breaks this trust, then it's over.

 

[jaim38]

I was originally gonna post about something else, but then this issue came to mind so I think I have to address it.

I admit I do have sadistic fantasies, especially fantasies involving rape. It is very hard to write about it, as I'm typing now, because it's so freakin embarassing! I have never told anyone this, not even my close friends know. When my period came, I find myself engaging in such fantasies more often. They replay in my head like a broken record, despite attempts to stop myself.

I don't know why, but liking someone makes me think more about s*x. Ok, there I said it! In addition, I also have fantasies about having babies. :kickingmyself: I know, I'm far too young to have babies, much less be a mom, but I don't know why I keep getting these fantasies! Arghhh! :veryangry:

Ok, just to clear things up. I was NOT raped! I also have no desire to engage in sex any time soon! I'm still young, I have a life ahead of me that I want to explore, I don't want to give up my freedom soon! I have a job I want to get, places I want to visit, people I want to meet, etc. No sex or motherhood soon! **Note: this is my logical mind speaking. I am thinking with my brain, not with those down there. **

With that said, I don't mind being in a relationship, but there are boundaries and rules that must be established. We must listen to our brains and use them to think for our long-term well being; sexual needs can wait, I'm pretty sure. This post was actually triggered by someone else's post I saw on another thread. I have to thank him for knocking some sense into me.

 

[jaim38]

I imagine there are many obstacles to being in a long distance relationship. If I had a bf and we're both living in different countries, and things get serious to the point where we're considering marriage, one of us would have to move to join the other. I am not opposed to moving abroad, but I imagine the whole process will be tough. First, there's paperwork (I imagine lots of it) to submit. Next, assuming that the paperwork is approved and I move to join my partner, there's the adaptation part (aka trying to survive in a new environment). I've moved around a lot in the past, but moving between cities is entirely different compared to moving to a new country/continent. Plus, social skills are also important to blend in with the locals in addition to being able to speak the language. It is scary, especially for someone like me who is agoraphobic, social phobic, avpd, etc. But, I'm making lots of progress over the past several years. I've gotten less social phobic, started going out more, and isn't as avoidant. I'm still young, I still have many years to improve myself.

I'm also aware of the fact that I'm jobless at the moment. I don't want to look like I'm mooching off my partner by being jobless and moving in. It would make me look like a gold digger, like I'm marrying for the financial stability or something. To avoid this, I would like to work, gain experience, and have something to show for my pride and dignity. Who isn't attracted to good work ethics anyway?

 

[Rawz]

I don't know why, but liking someone makes me think more about s*x. Ok, there I said it! In addition, I also have fantasies about having babies. :kickingmyself: I know, I'm far too young to have babies, much less be a mom, but I don't know why I keep getting these fantasies! Arghhh! :veryangry:

Hey that sounds normal to me. You shouldn't beat yourself up about it. I don't see anything wrong with it. Plus it sounds like you have good self control.

Ok, just to clear things up. I was NOT raped! I also have no desire to engage in sex any time soon! I'm still young, I have a life ahead of me that I want to explore, I don't want to give up my freedom soon! I have a job I want to get, places I want to visit, people I want to meet, etc. No sex or motherhood soon! **Note: this is my logical mind speaking. I am thinking with my brain, not with those down there. **

With that said, I don't mind being in a relationship, but there are boundaries and rules that must be established. We must listen to our brains and use them to think for our long-term well being; sexual needs can wait, I'm pretty sure. This post was actually triggered by someone else's post I saw on another thread. I have to thank him for knocking some sense into me.

You're right, sex can wait. There is a lot more to life.

 

[MikeyC]

I admit I do have sadistic fantasies, especially fantasies involving rape. It is very hard to write about it, as I'm typing now, because it's so freakin embarassing! I have never told anyone this, not even my close friends know. When my period came, I find myself engaging in such fantasies more often. They replay in my head like a broken record, despite attempts to stop myself.

I have heard of some women who do fantasise about rape. I tend to think it's more of a fetish, or something they'd like to act out in a safe place with a safe man, rather than actual rape.

It's a very extreme form of role playing, I guess. If any girlfriend of mine wanted to act out a rape fantasy, I would flat-out refuse.

I don't know why, but liking someone makes me think more about s*x.

This is very normal.

 

[jaim38]

I'm feeling particularly tired this morning so I slept in for another 15 minutes beyond my usual wake up time. I had this weird dream early this morning and woke up dead tired, with my eyes dried as heck. I don't like having such dreams.

So, I was planning to attend this Toastmasters meeting/competition. I won't be participating in the competition, just checking the club out and getting a feel for it. But today, the forecast is raining and the club meets late around evening so I'm not sure if I should go. I could handle mild rain but if it start downpouring, then perhaps not.

 

[jaim38]

So, this dream I had last night made me feel a bit horrible about myself. I was in this group and we were doing a presentation. We all got up in front of a class full of people. I watched as my teammates talked. I couldn't even say anything at all due to the social anxiety and shyness. Then, this guy came up and started talking about a very sensitive, controversial topic. I was expecting some outrage but was surprised to see some people back him up. Then I woke up from my dream panting and heart racing like I was having a nightmare or something.

In real life, I want to be able to talk about controversial topics without sounding offensive to people. This requires good communication skills of course, but first I have to work on getting the courage to actually speak in front of people.

 

[jaim38]

So yesterday, I was planning to go a Toastmasters meeting but didn't go because it was raining, dark, and my mom was concerned about me driving in such weather.

Also yesteryday, I went shopping with my mom. I was checking out clothes and went to the fitting room area to try them out. There was this attendant who took a long time to guide me to a fitting room. After I was done trying out clothes, I got out of the fitting room but then the door behind me closed with a loud bang! I was surprised, kinda shocked and didn't know what to do. So I was standing there for a few seconds, paralyzed. I was wondering what to do. Should I apologize? But then, I didn't even slam the door - the door was like that in the first place. I was standing behind the attendant, and didn't want to look like a b*tch so I got out of there asap.

I'm not sure why that happened. I'm still pondering what I should do in such a situation. It's not my fault that the door was being loud, but I should probably say something instead of being mute.

I am proud of myself for going out, and it feels like I'm getting more comfortable shopping around people. But I still have a long way to go when it comes to social interaction. Biggest pitfall is I don't smile often. I'm also not very good at driving. I don't drive as often as in the past, so my driving skills might have deteriorated? Changing lanes is one of the hardest for me. So I was driving on a lane yesterday when there was a "lane closing" sign ahead of me, which forced me to change lanes. So I flashed my lights and saw several cars go by, but wasn't sure if they allowed me to cut in front! I also didn't want to guess and simply go for it because then I might accidentally cut in front of someone unwilling (aka car crash). So I waited, and finally this black van sorta drove by kinda slowly and honked at me. I jumped on the cue and changed lanes.

It was embarassing because I didn't know when to change lanes!

 

[jaim38]

Last night I heard this song "Grenade" on the radio. I remember hearing it multiple times in the past.

So basically, the guy in the song is complaining that he didn't get the woman he wanted. He said he'd throw his hand on a blade, jump in front of a train, take a bullet, or catch a grenade for the woman. But from the song, it seems like the woman rejected his efforts to woo her so he got angry and started dissing the woman, calling her a "mad woman, bad woman." Why does this sound so familiar somehow?

I remember watching a dating show on TV. Usually, the guys would come empty-handed and clueless about which girl he wants to date, but once in a while, you see this guy who spends so much money on flowers, cake, presents, etc all because of 1 girl. And in the end, the girl ends up all teary-eyed and rejects him. I'm sure people watching this are going, "WTF! This guy does so much for the girl, wastes money on her, even prostrates himself / begs for the girl's hand, and in the end doesn't get the girl at all!"They're probably angry at the girl and thinking, "what's wrong with this chick?"

This is where the judges/love experts come in. They start discussing the rejections, why it happens. I remember specifically the words of this 1 girl who was touched by the guy's efforts (cried even) but in the end still rejected him: "Your heart being touched is different from your heart racing." In other words, there's a difference between kindness/generosity and attraction. So, a man could spend all his money, risk his life, or do everything he could for a woman, but it all goes to waste if the woman doesn't even have feelings for him in the first place.

I find myself agreeing with the women on stage, and applauded them for their courage. I too have experienced similar situations. I remember some guys spend money buying me stuff, paying for restaurant meals, even going so far to drive me to another city so I could take care of some academic stuff. I am sincerely grateful/thankful for all their efforts and time. They all expected a relationship with me. But, I just didn't have feelings for these guys, and honestly I feel bad for putting them through this. I just wished there was some way I could make it even, so that i don't end up owing them.

It wouldn't be fair (to me and to the guy) if I date someone whom I had no feelings for. I believe that we should not settle for this very reason. Ditto dating someone becuase you pity him/her. Pity dates are just as bad as dating someone that you don't even like. If I found out the guy dated me for shallow reasons (i.e. he pities me, he's settling for me, etc), I would be angry. I want to be treated as #1, not #2 or any subsequent numbers. Similarly, I would want to find my #1 person.

I have rejected a lot of people in the past because I don't want to hurt them in the long run. I have many crushes, infatuations, and adorations, but rarely do I actually like someone. So, if I said I like someone, you can be sure I view this person as potential Mr. Right.

 

[jaim38]

I realize that in my last post, I probably sound condescending. Guys reading it are probably rolling their eyes and thinking, "Psff, who does she think she is? She's not all that! There's plenty of hotter fish out there." And they're right: I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who are smarter, prettier, faster, kinder, sexier, etc than me. But, I think they're missing the point of my post. What I was talking about is compatibility in relationships. It doesn't matter if I'm pretty, plain, or ugly, I still don't think I (or any woman) should settle. As I've often repeated, settling hurts both parties in the long run. Compatibility is key.

 

[jaim38]

omg, I had a couple of weird dreams today. I was totally acting like a robot, didn't even think about what the heck I was doing! I went on stage and kissed this guy that I had no attraction/feelings for! After I did that, I started feeling gross and weirded out. I don't even know this guy or even remember ever itneracting with him before. I went on stage as if I had no social phobia, no shaking or tremors, nothing, but in real life I have social anxiety which gets worse on stage especially when being ordered to kiss someone in public! Weird!

In the next dream, I was a total mindless zombie as well. I let some random guy sitting next to me call me "mistress" like we're husband and wife! Weird!

In my last dream, I was going shopping but somehow ended up checking out things that weren't on my shopping list (if I had one). I dragged out my shopping trip.

 

[nodejesque]

Sounds like you have very intense dreams. Do you keep a journal? I too, dream regularly. I try to write them down as soon as I wake up, and try to find some kind of meaning to my dream.

And at the very least, you can look back and read about all the crazy adventures you've had while you slept

 

[jaim38]

^I've been having intense dreams these days. Potential for lucid dreaming? Perhaps. I've tried to lucid dream several times in the past but have not been successful so far. I've had at most 2-3 lucid dreams, that's it. I know people recommend keeping a dream journal as a first step to lucid dreaming, so I've done that and got better dream recall but no progress in regards to lucid dreaming.

Ok, today I had this song stuck in my head: 'hot and cold' by Katy Perry. There's this line I remember specifically: "Someone call the doctor! There's a case of bipolar..." Today I checked my inbox and got an email from a brain doctor that we have an appointment with him tomorrow!?!?! I don't remember my dad mentioning any appointment with his brain doctor...

Today, I'm very nervous. I'll be having a phone chat with another volunteer. I know I said I'll be looking forward to the call but inside, I'm all jello. I haven't prepared yet. There's no script to go by, perhaps some talking points but that's it.

Last Sunday, I spoke to another volunteer and still felt a little nervous on the phone because there was no script. Plus, I find myself forgetting some of the stuff she mentioned. It went alright, I gave myself a pat on the back for the effort. Let's see, how to improve from my last effort...I could jot down notes on paper so I won't forget, try to focus more, and eliminate filler words like "uhms, aws", etc.

 

[jaim38]

I hope people don't judge me by the thoughts in my head. I get negative thoughts everyday, literally, and I have no control over some of these thoughts. I don't claim ownership over any of these thoughts, because I know that ultimately, I am the being behind these thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. In other words, Thoughts are not Me. Sometimes I find myself suppressing negative thoughts even though mindfulness teaches me to observe the thoughts without suppressing them, because I was afraid of being punished over these thoughts. Imagine if I was actually punished over every curse word and negative thought I have. That would suck! I've heard about freedom of speech being curtailed in certain countries, but freedom of thought? I hope 1984 doesn't become reality.

 

[jaim38]

So I just got back from this hour-long convo with another volunteer, and OMG! I can't help but think I gave off some awkward vibes during the convo! One interesting thing that I noticed is that at certain times, I was unconsciously trying to act/sound like an extravert! So, the volunteer was talking about how she loves doing emails. I don't know why, but I went ahead and spoke about how emails can be inefficient so phone calls and meetings are sometimes necessary. In my head, I was like "WTF! What did you even mention this?" Externally, I was pretending to be a bit extraverted. We all know that social phobics like you and me love emails and avoid more intense social interactions.

There were some awkward pauses, but I tried my best to fill them. The convo definitely kept me on my toes. I was trying to hard to come up with things (including important things) to talk about. Speaking off the cuff, without a script, isn't easy. I can tell she spoke better than I in terms of 1) coming up with topics to discuss, 2) voice volume, 3) I can detect no hoarseness in her voice.

Ok, I realize I might be focusing so much on my own awkwardness that I don't pay attention to other people's quirks. I'm sure we have moments of weaknesses/awkwardness at times.

What surprised is that I didn't jot down many notes at all! Maybe 2 words and that's it. I thought I would forget some of the stuff being mentioned, but that didn't happen quite often at all. I must doing something right! Perhaps Lumosity and meditation practices helped improve my concentration?

Towards the end, I didn't know how to end the convo because we've been speaking for over an hour, so I said something like, "I'm just gonna leave you to your toddler..." WTH, I should have said something like, "I'm sorry for taking so much of your time. I'm sure your son needs you." Something like that would've sound better and made more sense!

Overall, I am proud of myself for taking the time to speak with her. I could have made up excuses like in the past, avoid speaking to people, but I decided to man up and just do it! I've definitely improved my convo skills a bit, perhaps? Kudos to me!

 

[jaim38]

So, I was watching this show and it turned tragic. This woman, who was held hostage by corrupt politicians, decided to commit suicide. She seemed resolute that suicide is the answer to the problem. I couldn't help but think, "Isn't there another way out? What about her husband and son? Does she care what happens to them?" Then, it flashed forward to her husband trying to find her body in the sea, and her 2-3 years old son sitting near the doorway, sad and lonely.

It just made me realize how selfish it is to commit suicide. Before, I used to have this notion that suicide would be an answer to all my troubles, but I never really cared about what my loved ones would think.

My mom told me that in the preview of future episodes, the woman's husband will end up marrying another woman. For some reason, this didn't sit right with me. I know the marriage vow goes "till death do us part", which means when one of the couple dies the deal is off and the other one alive is free to remarry. But, this made me feel sad because even marriage is not an everlasting bond - it ends after death. If I died and found out my partner/husband whom I'm very much in love with is hooking up with another woman, I'd be angry and hurt.

 

[MikeyC]

So, I was watching this show and it turned tragic. This woman, who was held hostage by corrupt politicians, decided to commit suicide. She seemed resolute that suicide is the answer to the problem. I couldn't help but think, "Isn't there another way out? What about her husband and son? Does she care what happens to them?" Then, it flashed forward to her husband trying to find her body in the sea, and her 2-3 years old son sitting near the doorway, sad and lonely.

Suicide is selfish, but for some who are living in utter despair, it can be seen as the only release they have. You certainly are not thinking of others when you go through with it, but the ultimate helplessness you feel to even begin taking your own life makes you think you're being selfless, simply by not having others worry about you anymore.

As someone who's contemplated suicide, and still has those thoughts, the selfishness of the act isn't cared about.

If I died and found out my partner/husband whom I'm very much in love with is hooking up with another woman, I'd be angry and hurt.

But...you'd be dead. :thinking: You wouldn't feel angry and hurt.

Even if you could, would you want your husband feeling sad for the rest of his life, or do you want him to be happy, even if it means finding another woman? In this hypothetical situation, he has to eventually think about his own well-being.

 

[jaim38]

I was in the middle of exercising when memories from the recent past suddenly flooded my mind. Negative memories, that is. They almost ruined my whole workout. I had to stop and tell myself to acknowledge these memories and move on.