Just another journal

[jaim38]

When I woke up I was feeling down in the dumps. Later today, I got a letter from FutureMe.org dated 8 months ago. I remember writing the letter earlier this year, but forgot the send-on date. So I was very surprised to see the letter in my inbox.

There were 2 inspiring quotes in my letter. It felt good hearing from my past self. Especially on Christmas.

 

[jaim38]

http://www.foxbusiness.com/personal-finance/2011/03/03/um-like-college-grads-lack-verbal-skills/

I just graduated and realized how horrible my communication/verbal skills are. In addition, my social skills suck too. Too bad I have no one to practice my skills with at home. Naturally, people have siblings that they interact with during their first stages of life to improve their communication abilities. My sibling isn't keen on talking refuses to improve his own abilities. I feel kinda stuck.

It is highly recommended that I join Toastmasters, but everytime I think about this I get shaky. In my logical mind, Toastmasters is a great way to improve communication skills and interact with other professionals. But my emotional mind tells me no, don't do it, I'm too scared! I'm scared of putting myself out there and meeting new people. I keep thinking I'll become very unpopular at some point, as has happened in the past countless times. The words "nobody likes me" comes to mind.

I'm stuck. Is there are better way to improve my communication skills besides joining Toastmasters?

 

[coyote]

I'm stuck. Is there are better way to improve my communication skills besides joining Toastmasters?

want to speak in public? project a professional demeanor? command attention? exude confidence, poise, and bearing?

you could join this organization: US Marine Corps | Marine Recruiting | Marines.com

you will also learn to swear really well :thumbup:

 

[jaim38]

Negative thoughts clouding my mind lately, putting me in a bad mood for some time, but that's not important. Today, 2 significant events occurred: 1) I tried makeup for the first time in 15 years, and 2) my usually agoraphobic self decided to go out and explore the back yard.

I avoided makeup for as long as I could. The only time I remember trying on makeup was in elementary school when I was playing pretend. What caused the sudden change? This passage from a website explains it very well:

The familiar expression, "Don't judge a book by its cover," is often applied to people as a warning that appearances can deceive us. For example, a warm, gentle person may hide beneath a very tough looking exterior, and a very insecure person may appear to be the epitome of self-confidence. You don't have to win beauty contests to be "pretty inside" and most of us would prefer to be judged, if at all, by the "real me" instead of the person we appear to be publicly.

Nevertheless, people in important positions DO judge others by their outward appearance. In many cases, such as the job interview, that's all they really have to go on. But one's clothes and physical features are not the most critical part of one's appearance. . .it is one's verbal behavior that best reveals qualifications for admission, appointment, advancement, etc. Can you read well enough to follow instructions? Can you listen well enough to understand questions? Can you write and speak well enough to express yourself clearly. The one basic skill that stands out as being indispensable for success in every profession is verbal fluency.

source: College Learning: WAYS & WHYS. VERBAL FLUENCY

It was great to breathe in the fresh air and feel the slight breeze when I walked around in my backyard.

 

[jaim38]

I had a dream in the late morning just before waking up, which caused me to feel so freakin tired. I don't like having morning dreams for this reason. So I slept in for another 30 minutes before waking up. Then, after I woke up, I had to hear this song "I don't want to miss a thing" and it really annoyed me. It's not even funny, I went to the bathroom feeling so grumpy. I hope my day gets better after.

 

[jaim38]

The Iceberg: A Story by Zelda Fitzgerald : The New Yorker!

I read the story Iceberg by Zelda Fitzgerald, wife of F. Scott Fitzgerald. Some people might say this story is anachronistic because marrying a rich husband is not a woman's ultimate fruit of success, but I disagree. Despite the advances that the feminist movement brought about, some women still yearn for a rich husband (or sugar daddy or somebody rich to have an affair with). And, when you look outside the US and Europe, you see countries where women have little or no rights - in these places, women place great importance in marrying up, which could possibly be their only route out of poverty. The story of the Iceberg is still relevant in today's world.

At the same time, this story struck a nerve in me. I admit, it does make my heart flutter to read about a Cinderella marry into riches, must be instinct. But I feel horrible for deriving joy from such stories. The thing is, I don't want to be Cinderella, or Cornelia, or any similar incarnations. I don't want my whole life to revolve around who I marry, how rich I'll be, etc. Cinderella was one of my favorite Disney stories, but now I'm old enough to cut it loose.

 

[MikeyC]

The Iceberg: A Story by Zelda Fitzgerald : The New Yorker!

I read the story Iceberg by Zelda Fitzgerald, wife of F. Scott Fitzgerald. Some people might say this story is anachronistic because marrying a rich husband is not a woman's ultimate fruit of success, but I disagree. Despite the advances that the feminist movement brought about, some women still yearn for a rich husband (or sugar daddy or somebody rich to have an affair with). And, when you look outside the US and Europe, you see countries where women have little or no rights - in these places, women place great importance in marrying up, which could possibly be their only route out of poverty. The story of the Iceberg is still relevant in today's world.

At the same time, this story struck a nerve in me. I admit, it does make my heart flutter to read about a Cinderella marry into riches, must be instinct. But I feel horrible for deriving joy from such stories. The thing is, I don't want to be Cinderella, or Cornelia, or any similar incarnations. I don't want my whole life to revolve around who I marry, how rich I'll be, etc. Cinderella was one of my favorite Disney stories, but now I'm old enough to cut it loose.

Knowing that women still want a rich husband fills me with even more sorrow because that's now one more thing I can't provide.

It's unfair to label all women like this but it's still disheartening.

 

[jaim38]

Knowing that women still want a rich husband fills me with even more sorrow because that's now one more thing I can't provide.

It's unfair to label all women like this but it's still disheartening.

Yeah, as a woman I feel bad about myself for having such desires and tendencies. I've had it since I was little, even before the Disney movies, so it must be culture or instinct? Women tend to gravitate towards rich "successful" men because of their ability to provide them comfort, safety, security, etc. Whatever the case, I won't act on such desires.

 

[jaim38]

Y! SPORTS

Ronda Rousey got booed because she refused to shake hands with her enemy. She might now be the most "hated" person on UFC, but I can't bring myself to hate her. Strangely, she reminds me of me. I find it very hard to forgive my enemies. When I meet them, I let my feelings get the best of me. A good example would be earlier this month when I was forced to see my relatives. I wanted nothing to do with them, so I pretty much ignored them. The other half of me wanted revenge for what they did to me. It's hard to act nicely towards people who don't even like me in the first place. I keep being reminded of what they did to me.

 

[jaim38]

So, people keep saying "wake up early to be more productive". I usually wake up a bit late, so I decided to give this a try. Yesterday I went to sleep 10 minutes earlier than usual, hoping to wake up earlier. I was planning to do this in increments. Today I ended up waking later than my usual time. Big freaking FAIL for sure.

 

[jaim38]

Today, I went out for New Year's with my family. I thought we were going to a restaurant. My mom pretty much had me and my dad fooled. When we were all in the car on the road, my mom finally said we're visiting some relatives. I was angry. I said I thought we were going to a restaurant. She said no, your brother wanted to visit some relatives. When I heard that, I was like wait, what? Really? My agoraphobic, socially awkward, super suspicious cynical brother wants to visit those relatives after so many years of not seeing them? I sure didn't see that one coming.

Of course, I had my doubts. You see, my brother's a calculated person. He doesn't do things without a plan in mind. Upon pressing my mom further for answers, she finally let in that my brother had something "urgent" to talk about. That was all she told me, before shushing me up. I knew something was up.

First we went to a fast food restaurant to eat, because both my dad and I were hungry. So, we persuaded my mom and brother to go to the restaurant. Honestly, we had many "formal" restaurants serving healthier foods to choose from, but I went with McDonald's because I felt better there. I was afraid of eating out at more formal restaurants.

Afterwards, my brother wanted to go visit the relatives and my parents went along with him. But I put up a fight. Eventually, we went to the park to entertain my brother, who wanted to talk about something. He started telling us to move, saying that the neighbors hate us, that my dad's epilepsy was partly the neighbors' fault, etc. Finally, he was able to open his mouth and talk! I think my brother was looking for a "safe place" where he could talk. He couldn't talk inside the house becuase he felt suffocated/spied on.

Despite the slight rain, we went out, sat on the bench, and discussed with my brother. It was one of those rare moments where all 4 of us are together talking in 1 place. At first, I felt very angry and impatient with the whole thing. I thought it was the worst New Year's day ever. But then, I realized, not everything's about me. This is the first time ever my brother ever spoke to my dad, and me in a long time without ever speaking to us. This could be an opportunity for him to move forward, address long-standing concerns, heal old wounds(?), etc. So, I decided to let him have the spotlight. We spoke for what seemed like 20-30 minutes at the park. My brother seemed intent on opening up.

I guess it's a small step forward? It's only the 1st day of 2014, and this happened. I wonder what the rest of 2014 will bring.

My dad also gave long lectures about himself. How hard it was for him to survive when he was younger, etc etc. I feel kinda bad about myself, because when he was my age he's already working and making money. I don't have enough confidence in myself becasue of my poor social skills. While my dad was talking, I was wondering if someone would take me to a club to help me with my social skills (I don't have intentions to flirt or make out, of course). A bit extreme, but I need some kind of exposure therapy.

 

[jaim38]

After hearing my dad’s speech about how tough he had it throughout his life (basically a sob story), I felt so ashamed of myself for not being successful. And I began to feel desperate for social skills, which is one of the biggest factors preventing me from moving forward. I was so desperate that I entertained the thought of possibly asking a former friend to take me to clubs (to improve my social skills, as part of exposure therapy). The same former friend who tried to get me to sleep with him, despite knowing that I was abused by my brother and went through bullying (I was in a very fragile state of mind back then). The only friend I had in this city at this moment is a former female classmate who doesn’t speak good English and was pretty much a geek like me. I don’t think she goes to clubs, bars, or anything of that sort.

I’ve lost touch with this guy friend, because it didn’t feel right being with him. If I remain with him, he’ll keep thinking I’m into him – sometimes I wonder if I’m giving off the wrong vibes, perhaps unintentionally. I have absolutely no feelings for him.

Hours later, I’m back to my sane self and realized how crazy I was to even consider such an option.

I just wish I had an experienced, older mentor (preferably female) to teach me, bring me to places, and give me feedback. Some people have older siblings they could count on. I don’t.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

A club is no place to practice or improve your social skills. Therapy is. Or, why don't you try creating a meetup event for social anxiety-advertise on this site as well. Or, just find something that you're interested in and go to a meetup group. i.e cooking, kayaking, fitness, meditation etc....... Go to a few events. That will help.

 

[jaim38]

A club is no place to practice or improve your social skills. Therapy is. Or, why don't you try creating a meetup event for social anxiety-advertise on this site as well. Or, just find something that you're interested in and go to a meetup group. i.e cooking, kayaking, fitness, meditation etc....... Go to a few events. That will help.

Ok, maybe I was misguided. Honestly, going to a club kinda scares me. Meetup groups might be a good idea, as long as the group is small. I think my local libraries offer meetups for different events.

 

[jaim38]

I'm definitely NOT going to my high school reunion. In fact, I've been planning to skip out on it anyway. People feel pressure to "one up" each other during such reunions, which is unhealthy and does nothing to improve my mental state.

 

[jc972]

I'm definitely NOT going to my high school reunion. In fact, I've been planning to skip out on it anyway. People feel pressure to "one up" each other during such reunions, which is unhealthy and does nothing to improve my mental state.

I didn't go to my 10 year reunion. All the people I would like to see are either dead or in prison, unfortunately.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

I'm definitely NOT going to my high school reunion. In fact, I've been planning to skip out on it anyway. People feel pressure to "one up" each other during such reunions, which is unhealthy and does nothing to improve my mental state.

Fortunately, you're under no obligation.

I went to my five-year reunion, and it wasn't as bad as I expected, just weird. The people who were cruel to me in high school were suddenly really nice, as if they were trying to show how grown up they were, but I wasn't fooled. I never saw so much phoniness in any one place outside of church. I haven't gone to one since. Haven't been invited to most of them.

For the twenty-fifth, a few years ago, one of the organizers called me and left a message. It creeped me out. How'd they even get my number? I never called back. I didn't much like him back then, so why would I want to talk to him now? That goes for the rest of them, too.

 

[jaim38]

Today I had a dream that a group of girls accused me of staring at some other girl so they thought I was gay. I was completely taken aback by this, and was gonna tell them that I was autistic but hesitated. Then the girls told me that girl told her friends to bully me. I saw a guy sitting at my desk, and my bag was gone! Next thing I know, I saw my belongings all over the hallway with people stepping over them. I tried to pick them all up. I was nervous my important docs (i.e. ID) will be lost.

What a horrible dream. The dream reminded me of yesterday. I was watching a TV series with my mom and I like the makeup and hairstyle of this actress on TV. So, I was examining her face and such. It was uncomfortable because I'm not good at looking people straight in the face (or eyes), but I forced myself to do it for my own benefit. Then I think people around me got the idea that I must be gay. I thought I must have misheard so ignored them. But it later became clear that this is what they think. I am furious! They couldn't be more wrong. Maybe I shouldn't watch that TV series anymore. I like the music though.

I know I've been accused of being gay just because I looked at some beautiful TV actress or somebody pretty for a long time. But, that's not necessarily the case. Studies have shown that people, in general, tend to stare longer at beautiful/handsome people than at less attractive ones.

I've seen my relatives stare at some beautiful girl singing on screen, back when I used to attend family gatherings. I've seen my female friend stare at someone she said was beautiful. I've seen my former crush stare at some handsome guy. Does this mean they're all gay or lesbian? Of course not! So, it really gets on my nerves when people claim that we stare at members of the same sex because we must be gay or something.

 

[jaim38]

I expressed my feelings of jealousy for my friend yesterday. I've thought long and hard about and realized that I shouldn't act on my feelings of jealousy. It's ok to have such feelings, because they're almost instinctual anyway and there's no way for me to block them – which I shouldn't do. Meditation has taught me to observe and acknowledge my emotions.

The reason I was jealous of her was because I was comparing myself to her, without realizing it consciously. She got promoted to an executive position and probably earning big bucks. Me, on the other hand, I'm not working but still volunteering, so I'm not earning any money. Sometimes I think my skills could be put to better use, but I'm not confident in my people skills at all. Years of bullying, depression, and anxiety did me in.

When we are jealous, people usually try to comfort themselves or their jealous friends by saying things like, “Account executive? What is that? Never heard of it...” / “At least she's not earning as much as the CEO” / “She's just working at a small company, not some bigshot Fortune 500 company” / “So what if she's executive? Now she has more responsibilities on her shoulders, and more stress to follow.” / “People in higher positions have less time to care for their children or settle down” / “When I become CIO, I will earn more than her”...

Blah blah blah, something along those lines. We feel the urge to downplay people's achievements in order to make ourselves feel better. Surprising to say, I actually didn't do this to my friend. I didn't try to downplay her achievements at all. I just accepted it at face value, and forced myself to face it! I know I did the right thing, because I would feel ashamed of myself if I were to engage in such negative behavior.

Unexpectedly, throughout this ordeal, I think I've gained a bit more courage to face intense negative feelings.

 

[jaim38]

Today I went out shopping with my mom. I got some clothes and makeup. Choosing makeup items was challenging because I didn't have much experience buying makeup. There's so many diferent types of products out there! I couldn't find standalone primer at all, so opted for some pressing powder.

I was also disappoitned with my attitude/behavior. I wasn't as polite or animated as I want to be. I didn't smile much at all - it's so hard! I kind of messed up with the last cashier. I remembered to greet her but at the end, I was totally dim, like "the lights are on but nobody's home!" She said have a nice day and I was like staring at her with my mouth a bit agape. By the time I realized what I was doing, I feel so embarassed. Like why didn't I respond to her? Part of my problem is my slow reaction time. It's not like the first time it ever happened. In the past, people would wave to me but I don't wave back, and by the time I realize what happened, they already turn their attention elsewhere. So embarassing! Let's face it, I am slow!

I've been slow ever since a long time ago. When I do tests and quizzes, I'm almost always one of the last people to finish. Even in sports, my reaction time is slower than others. I am not overweight, but for some reason I'm still slow! I run/jog slower than others. And, in social situations, I'm slow in responding to other people's words. Ok, now I feel like a retard.