Just another journal

[jaim38]

I'm serious when I say my IQ drop 10-60 points (maybe more) in public. So I was visiting my grandma today and met some relatives. We were talking about my dad's illness and my aunt suddenly asked me, "why not apply for disability?" I was taken aback by her question and didn't know what to say, so for a moment there, I was fumbling for words. I looked at my mom but she was silent. After liek several seconds of awkward, I finally said, "disability?" I know, dumb response! (slow too). So she and my uncle explained that since my dad's illness has been interfering with his work, he should apply for benefits.

Suddenly my aunt called me to her side asking about FB. She asked me about this stranger on FB who messaged her. She couldn't understand his messages at all, which were written in some foreign language. I was baffled as well. Then she asked me to type a message to the guy. I was freaking nervous for several reasons: 1) I don't really know how to use a smartphone, since I have never own one before, 2) Performance anxiety. At first, she looked at every single word that I typed, so I began typing fast. It was during this time that I felt my IQ points dropped, say 60 points or more. And, the message that I typed was really undiplomatic and kinda offensive. Seriously, my brain has turned to jello and I became a caveman.

After I helped my aunt with the message, an offensive thought suddenly crept into my head: "stupid". I think my aunt looked at me again before going back to her phone. For a moment, I felt ashamed that I could possibly think of my aunt as "stupid"? I just don't feel comfortable calling others stupid, dumb, retarded. Even the word "smart" implies a sense of superiority. I don't like using these words because they imply the sense that being dumb, smart, average, whatever is inherent in the person's genes, part of a person's fixed traits. I've been called stupid before and don't appreciate it.

Next we went to walmart and bought some makeup kit. I was comparing between 2 eyeshadow kits. My mind was thinking, "I gotta choose one or the other! Can't buy them both!" I liked them both, but forced myself to part with one. However, somewhere along the way, I thought, 'Why can't I have them both?" That's when I realize I was unconsciously being cheap! It's easy to blame my parents for raising me to be cheap. I remember they used to pamper my brother. My parents allowed my brother to buy expensive toys ($30 above), but they refused to let me buy toys that cost $5. This is another story of course, but the point is I was raised to be cheap and cater to my brother. But now that i'm an adult, I felt it's time for me tochange this mindset, long overdue alright! So in the end I bought both eyeshadow kits, no questions asked.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

I'm sure you're not stupid. When we are nervous we tend to do stupid things but it doesn't really represent our own intelligence. And about the cheap thing... I can relate.

My parents believe that kids shouldn't be spoiled of material things so that they won't grow up as brats (like the sons/daughters of their colleagues). The thing is, they have overdone it...and so did I. They don't deprive us with basic things but they tend to make me feel guilty asking for simple pleasures in life. I also felt that they approved my sister more. You see, when we were kids my sister is not hesitant to ask for candies, small toys and stuffs. Being the elder one, I don't ask them to buy me things unless I really really like it. Now what I find unfair is that my mom always look at the price. She doesn't even realize that I rarely ask her to buy me things. And I'm not even asking for pricey stuffs. Like for example, my sister asks for something worth a dollar and then I ask for a worth 5 dollars. She wouldn't let me have it and so I'll start sulking then she'll get mad at me for that. Even when I grew up and got a job, I have kept this mindset. I deprive myself of buying small things that I can afford like maybe a drink of Coke (I brought my own water bottle,why crave for one?) a bracelet (ah...It's not a necessity, forget it)...

Only when I started to be really independent and get away from home did I eventually learn to more generous to myself. But I'm still the over thrifty person they know though,, I just learned to be less extreme. haha

 

[jaim38]

^Thanks! I don't think of myself as stupid anymore. I view myself as a student constantly learning as I go through life. I prefer it if people criticize me for my actions, such as "you wrote a splendid story" or "this piece of code is poorly written and needs more work". I don't need people to tell me I'm stupid because I did something wrong, because it would imply I'm stupid to begin with and will always be.

 

[Nanita]

^Thanks! I don't think of myself as stupid anymore. I view myself as a student constantly learning as I go through life. I prefer it if people criticize me for my actions, such as "you wrote a splendid story" or "this piece of code is poorly written and needs more work". I don't need people to tell me I'm stupid because I did something wrong, because it would imply I'm stupid to begin with and will always be.

That makes good sense

 

[jaim38]

Just thought I'd share:

https://www.linkedin.com/today/post...35-52594-don-t-be-the-last-candidate-standing

If you haven't been there, working at a job that makes you hate yourself and the people around you, you might not know how mojo-crushing that experience can be. If you've lived it, you know how the wrong job can destroy your self-esteem for years into the future.

I learnt this the hard way. Not exactly at a job, but in college. I attended several different schools (colleges, trade schools) that weren't right for me. The experiences there have destroyed my self esteem for years alright, to say the slightest.

We would never give this advice to a friend of ours who's dating. We would never say to a woman we care about, "Get a guy -- any guy! You have nothing. Guys have everything. If he's willing to go out with you, you become the woman he wants you to be." We'd be horrified to think that anyone could undervalue him- or herself so badly. But we hear this kind of job advice all the time.

This is called 'settling' for a person. I learnt that the hard way. I used to be very obsessed with this classmate from high school, for 2 years. Afterwards, I recovered and told myself I don't need to settle, partly to protect myself from people who want to use me. Over the years, I've had people confess to me, people try to pair me up with some friend, etc, but I refuse to settle. I especially want to mention 2 guys from my high school whom people often paired me with. One is a friend, the other is a former crush. The pairing has been going on for years, with people speculating that I might choose one over the other, as in keep one drop one. But, little do people know that I have a 3rd option, which is to drop both.

I don't want to go about things recklessly. As I mentioned before, I would like to be friends with people before consider taking the relationship to the next level.

 

[jaim38]

Performance anxiety is such a debilitating problem for me. Even when I'm alone, I can't help but feel super shy and awkward. So when I was working on my laptop, for several minutes there I feel self-conscious like crazy. It's paralyzing me, rendering me unable to do anything. OMG, it took me like 5 min or so to send a simple message to someone on linkedin.

Today, I'm also feeling a little sluggish. I am slow when it comes to speaking and doing things.

I feel like I am inhibiting the real me from expressing. I used to be like Switch Girl in her 'Off mode' especially at home, but now with this performance anxiety striking me almost everywhere I go, I feel pressured to be 'On' all the time! Yikes! I feel like breaking some rules here and there, let my inner child rage!

 

[jaim38]

The trouble with fitness gadgets | Ars Technica

I am aware that fitness gadgets and equipment are not the ultimate solution for weight loss. I used run and walk 2 miles a week. I would jog/run on my treadmill for 10 minutes, every Mon, Wed, and Fri. At first, I lost around 5 lbs, but then my weight loss plateaued. Then, I had to vary up my weight loss routine, as in try new things. I tried HIIT workouts, which helped me lose another 5-7 lbs, but then again, my weight loss plateaued. So, weight loss equipments work or don't work depending on how you use them.

It's the same thing for my mental workout. I use Lumosity to train my brain, but I can't help but wonder that it's just another tool/app/gadget that work only to a certain extent. I saw a lot progress in the beginning, but I think my progress is beginning to plateau, sort of like how my weight loss plateaued at a certain point. I guess that's when I need to try something new.

 

[jaim38]

Ever Been Stuck Talking to Someone Who Keeps Telling You How Wrong You Are? « The Happiness Project

Very informative article. I did not realize I practiced the "oppositional conversation style" for so many years. However, I am not the only offender. My mom and brother particularly are true practitioners of this convo style. Talking/typing/writing with them is like speaking to a stone wall at times. My brother is the worst, no surprises here. I cannot hold a single convo with him without him telling me I'm wrong, dumb, stupid.

I don't insult people or rudely reject their ideas of course, but there were times that I unintentionally annoyed people such as classmates because of OCS.

 

[MikeyC]

^ I didn't even know it had a name! Oppositional Conversational Style. There you go. Yes, that has happened to me a number of times, the most heartbreaking one being Fiona, particularly towards the end of our friendship.

I've seen it a lot in siblings trying to get the upper hand of the other one. My mum does it a lot to my dad. I guess I've seen it a lot more than I realise!

Thanks for allowing me to think about it and never to un-think it, jaim.

 

[jaim38]

^No problemo MickeyC!

 

[jaim38]

Shorter people shouldn't despair. You're only as small as you feel | Anne Perkins | Comment is free | theguardian.com

I used to be very self conscious about my height, especially when I was younger. In my first job, almost everyone in the office was taller than me. In high school, especially during the last 2 years, there were so many tall freshmen - I feel so short! I started to avoid wearing flat shoes. And of course who would forget, many of my dad's relatives are taller than me. I watched the cousins grow up and tower over me.

Fortunately, I don't have this height complex anymore. I've started buying and wearing more flat shoes. Nowadays, I care more about looking fashionable and presentable than looking tall. I want to dress to have more confidence.

 

[jaim38]

I feel great! So, I decided to get some sunshine today since sunshine is supposed to be good for your health: http://nyti.ms/1my3B0P . I went outside and walked around in my backyard. At first, I was kinda nervous because I thought I heard someone talking. I didn't want to meet the neighbors because it would be awkward. Then, I heard a loud noise and looked up. It was an airplane. I watched it skid across the beautiful blue sky and disappear beyond. Thus began my game of watching for airplanes or "catching airplanes" as I call it. I caught maybe 4-5 today. I didn't have to wait long, each plane came in less than 1-2 minutes. Their noise alerted me to their presence. I started guessing their destination. I know there are 2 major airports in my area. Most of the planes I saw today headed NE from where I'm standing, so I think they're heading towards the international airport. The other plane headed southeast, which is the direction of the domestic airport. As I was watching the planes (and unknown objects) on the sky, I noticed some of them leave white trails behind - reminded me of the manga 360 Material where the girl also noticed the same thing. I also noticed the air was super fresh, and did I mention the sky looks so dazzingly beautiful?

Overall, it's fun being outside catching planes. Who knew watching the sky could be a profound experience. Well, when I got back inside, I was shocked to see how dark it was. The sunshine was so bright outside, compared to the darkness inside (it's dark inside for several reasons, partly because my mom and brother preferred darkness).

As I was watching the planes, I suddenly felt a sense of nostalgia, maybe a yearning to travel? I know it's not possible for me at this time, maybe sometime in the future...

 

[MikeyC]

As I was watching the planes, I suddenly felt a sense of nostalgia, maybe a yearning to travel? I know it's not possible for me at this time, maybe sometime in the future...

Travelling is great! I love doing it and when you have the opportunity to, I'm sure you'll have a great time, too.

 

[jaim38]

^Thanks!

Today I weighed myself and lo and behold! I gained 3 lbs! I was a bit shocked because in the past 2 weeks, I only weighed maybe 108 lbs! I thought I was losing weight! On the other hand, I wasn't surprised because yesterday I ate around 300 calories before going to bed. Darn!!!

So, what's with the night time eating? Ever since I've been sleeping and waking up earlier, I've been getting more hunger pains at night. I think my biological clock has been screwed. Last week or so, I started waking up 30 min - 1 hour earlier. I find myself starving at night, which was very uncomfortable. To prevent starving, I started eating at night, 30 min - 1 hour before bedtime. It must be this reason that I started gaining weight.

So, question is, what should I do? I want to wake up early, as in 8 ish in the morning. But even when I sleep, say, around 12, I find myself starving like nuts at night. Maybe I'm not eating enough during dinner? I remember eating a full dinner around 6, but still starving at night! What the heck!:thumbdown:

 

[jaim38]

I'm feeling a mix of anxiety and awkwardness. So, my boss appointed this guy to be my assistant. I looked through his CV and found out he has an MBA, plus many years of experience in IT and project management. Me - I only have a bachelor's, and almost no job experience. Does this sound right at all? I mean, this guy is probably more qualified than me to take my place! I'm already feeling intimidated. Plus, he has the same name as some villain in a manga I'm reading. Not that I'm judging or anything, but I feel like turning to jelly.

 

[jaim38]

^on a second thought, it's my inferiority complex speaking. I need to be more confident in my abilities!

 

[jaim38]

Today I went out on what was supposed to be a short trip but turned into a longer one, thanks to my brother. He wanted to meet up with a friend at school, so my parents (probably in an effort to get him to open up to people) decided to bring him to school, despite my passive objections. I was planning to get home to exercise (to shed off some pounds), not to mention I was hungry and wanting to relieve myself too, but instead I have to sit through some 40 min car ride to his school.

During the process, I can feel a lot of resistance building up inside, but then I thought about zen and decided to tell myself to calm down and just go with the flow. I was angry and impatient as heck, but I told myself, "let's do this for my brother. It's not about me, it's about getting him to open up to people. Perhaps he'll have a good time meeting up." So I went along with the flow.

When we got there and dropped my brother off, I started feeling very hungry so went to get some fast food. I was on a diet so got only an apple pie to eat, plus iced tea. So, while I was at the restaurant, I tried to open up to people. I was polite with the cashier who helped us. When she had trouble with the coins, I helped grab the coins for her. I even held a door for someone. I'm proud of myself for being nice! But, I think I heard someone say something about not liking me, but the comment didn't hit me as hard as it should. I am starting to be comfortable in my own skin, and gaining confidence step by step.

Afterwards, I went to the library, and as usual, sat at the far corner. It wasn't all rosy though. I was hit by social anxiety a few times, especially when coming close to strangers. And, my peripheral vision was overactive at times. I decided to try this "smile technique" where I visualized my chest smiling - the point is to get my heart to release chemicals (I think endorphins) to relieve the anxiety.

Then, my brother called and we went home. When I got home I was so hungry and had to cook so I couldn't exercise. What follows is my brother forcing me to type chat with him, cursing people out on type chat, and insulting me. I couldn't believe it. I did all this for him, and then he goes ahead and curses/insults me! I wasted several hours on the trip for him, even foregone exercise and starved! Wow...

Definitely a good reason why I don't like going out with him, but today I had some good experiences that I'm proud of. I wish I can express myself more boldly.

 

[jc972]

Today I went out on what was supposed to be a short trip but turned into a longer one, thanks to my brother. He wanted to meet up with a friend at school, so my parents (probably in an effort to get him to open up to people) decided to bring him to school, despite my passive objections. I was planning to get home to exercise (to shed off some pounds), not to mention I was hungry and wanting to relieve myself too, but instead I have to sit through some 40 min car ride to his school.

During the process, I can feel a lot of resistance building up inside, but then I thought about zen and decided to tell myself to calm down and just go with the flow. I was angry and impatient as heck, but I told myself, "let's do this for my brother. It's not about me, it's about getting him to open up to people. Perhaps he'll have a good time meeting up." So I went along with the flow.

When we got there and dropped my brother off, I started feeling very hungry so went to get some fast food. I was on a diet so got only an apple pie to eat, plus iced tea. So, while I was at the restaurant, I tried to open up to people. I was polite with the cashier who helped us. When she had trouble with the coins, I helped grab the coins for her. I even held a door for someone. I'm proud of myself for being nice! But, I think I heard someone say something about not liking me, but the comment didn't hit me as hard as it should. I am starting to be comfortable in my own skin, and gaining confidence step by step.

Afterwards, I went to the library, and as usual, sat at the far corner. It wasn't all rosy though. I was hit by social anxiety a few times, especially when coming close to strangers. And, my peripheral vision was overactive at times. I decided to try this "smile technique" where I visualized my chest smiling - the point is to get my heart to release chemicals (I think endorphins) to relieve the anxiety.

Then, my brother called and we went home. When I got home I was so hungry and had to cook so I couldn't exercise. What follows is my brother forcing me to type chat with him, cursing people out on type chat, and insulting me. I couldn't believe it. I did all this for him, and then he goes ahead and curses/insults me! I wasted several hours on the trip for him, even foregone exercise and starved! Wow...

Definitely a good reason why I don't like going out with him, but today I had some good experiences that I'm proud of. I wish I can express myself more boldly.

He insults you after you did all that for him? I'm sorry. :sad:

 

[MikeyC]

Why do you continue being even 1% nice to your brother? He's an ungrateful piece of shit and I think you should tell him that, over and over and over until it sinks in his pitiful mind.

I'm sorry, jaim, but if everything you've said about him is true, he doesn't deserve what you're giving him. He deserves a fork in his throat. I can't understand why you even give him basic human decency....

 

[jaim38]

Yes guys, I'm sorta like a pushover! For some reason I have a soft spot for my brother, because he's family and my parents told me to take care of him. I also haven't given up hope that he might change someday? Just when I thought he would open up to people and change for the better, he becomes even worse. What can I say, maybe it's time for me to stop hoping that he'll improve. Me, my parents, nobody can help him at this stage; it's all up to him to take the initiative, and whether he does it or not is his choice.