Just another journal

[jaim38]

Warning: rant ahead!

This is gonna sound very bizarre and weird, but I feel like I was raped and had my eggs taken out. I started having these destructive sadistic fantasies about rape recently. Moreover, my appetite has increased drastically these past few weeks, so I find myself eating more and gaining pounds.

If I was raped, I will get PTSD from this, for perhaps many years to come. If I figure out the b*tard(s) who did this, I want to make sure he gets punished to the fullest extent for it. I will never marry the b*tard(s), or love them, or have any sort of relationship with them. I would like them gone from my life, forever. Get the h*ll out! I might forgive them, in a billion years.

I'm serious. I don't want anything to do with b*tards who don't respect me. How are they any different from my brother, who is already abusive to begin with?

I don't want to marry rapists just because they raped me and made me pregnant. I want to marry someone I love. I feel like I'm getting PTSD already just by thinking about it. My heart rate's beating rapidly and I'm getting angry inside.

This reminded me of a former friend. I thought he had good intentions, but found out maybe not. He kissed me without my permission and tried to get me to sleep with him. Then I found out his parents want him to have a grandkid, but he liked someone that his parents didn't approve of so maybe he's trying to get some random girl pregnant to ease the pressure?

I was also thinking, if I was ugly maybe rape wouldn't happen because rapists don't rape ugly girls. Thinking about it just made me want to continue wearing dark hobo clothes.

I'm gonna continue dieting. For some reason, it gives me peace of mind that I won't get pregnant. If I was pregnant with the wrong guy, I would first get an abortion, then starve myself skinny. Guys generally don't like stick skinny girls.

There is no reason to justify raping anyone/forcing anyone to sleep with you/forcing anyone to have your babies. Just because you help a girl a lot doesn't mean she must then sleep with you to have your baby. If I know some guy helped me, I will try to repay the favor, NOT by sleeping or having babies with the guy. After finding out that a guy just wants to get into my pants, I become angry and start avoiding. That's not how friendship works. And, I DEFINITELY don't do the friends with benefits / "f*ck buddies" thing. There are many ways to repay a person besides sex or babies, especially if we're friends or close aquaintances. And, the expectations should be crystal clear from the beginning. If you have ulterior motives, don't expect the girl to figure out what's on your mind. You must state them, and then if the girl disagrees then walk away! Don't do anything more for the girl, i.e. don't help her out, unless she agrees to your terms/contract.

I'm feeling a mix of emotions today - anger, hatred, despair, self destructiveness. Great for PTSD, just great!

 

[jaim38]

I was feeling rotten today, and the phone call from my cousins couldn't have come at a better time.

So my cousins called and my mom handed over the phone to me to speak with them. During my chat with the first male cousin, it was pretty awkward. I asked for his name but didn't get much in return at first. And, I kept on hearing him and other people laughing at me, so that pretty darn annoying. It put in a defensive mode. I started lashing at him, sorta. I started talking to him in dry, matter of fact tone of voice. I think it got awkward so he asked if I would like to speak to his brother, but I asked him, "does your brother want to speak to me?" And, I think that must have threw him off, but I could care less because I was a bit angry and feeling pretty rotten today.

I've spoken with his elder brother before the last time I did, he was very impatient with me. I tried hard to have a pleasant convo but I keep hearing him sighing, saying "huuuuuh..." and just about to get off the phone. So I wasn't sure if he would enjoy speaking with me this time around or not. Anyways, I made sure to make the convo short. To get myself off the phone, I lied and said my mom wanted to speak to him and just passed the phone to my mom.

I know I was being b*tchy to the little brother on purpose, and cutting it short with the older one, but I feeling pretty down today and wasn't in the mood to talk. And as I mentioned, they kept laughing at me, which made me angry becuase it's just rude. So if they're not gonna take it seriously, then I won't too. That's all.

 

[MikeyC]

Warning: rant ahead!

I'm not sure I understand. Were you raped? Why would you want to marry a guy who does rape you? I'm trying to figure out a point to why you mentioned all of this.

 

[jaim38]

I'm not sure I understand. Were you raped? Why would you want to marry a guy who does rape you? I'm trying to figure out a point to why you mentioned all of this.

I'm actually surprised you responded to my invisible post. Feel free to ignore. To answer your question, no, but I think I'm experiencing PMS and False Pregnancy (Pseudocyesis):

False Pregnancy (Pseudocyesis): Causes, Symptoms, and Tests

I gained weight last week due to an increase in appetite for some reason, and my belly was swollen a bit and somehow, I deluded myself into thinking I was pregnant. I even thought I was raped and got paranoid. Now that I think about it, it doesn't make sense that I got pregnant if I never had sex. This false pregnancy thing is really getting to me! Seeing pictures of toddlers, kids, or pregnant women can trigger my paranoia.

Add to the fact that I am PMSing. I notice that I tend to get very moody and overeative during PMS.

Ok, I think I have this fear of getting pregnant for real. I am so afraid of weight gain and protruding belly. I work so hard to lose weight, keep it off, only to regain the pounds? No way! Moreover, I'm too young to be a mother! I don't want to get pregnant or become a mom, even though there are many options out there nowadays (i.e. adoption, abortion, etc). No excuses!

 

[jaim38]

JK Rowling: Hermione should have married Harry, not Ron | Books | theguardian.com

I read all HP books and always thought Hermione would end up with Harry somehow. Until I was blindsided when the author decided to mix up the pairings. Took me by surprise really. The Hermione-Ron pairing is akin to the Lisa-Millhouse pairing, in my opinon. I admit, I was one of those fans who weren't satisfied.

Speaking of romance, I've had people try to pair me up with this former classmate/friend? of mine. Sure we had a lot in common, such as the interest in IT and geek stuff, but I don't think we're compatible. This classmate has a distinct taste in girls that I won't be able to satisfy - like my cousin, I think he's into big/heavier girls with distinct features. I am a weight loss fanatic, and there's just no way...no. People also tried to pair me up with another former classmate, who has similar interests and also a geek, but again I won't be able to satisfy his preferences. Plus, I wasn't interested.

Is it just me or am I noticing a pattern here? That geeky guys / IT guys prefer girls who are big and curvy, i.e. think Khloe Kardashian?

 

[jaim38]

So I was having coffee and pondering over my thoughts when I realized something I had probably noticed before: it's so easy to lie when speaking! I mean, it's incredibly easy to lie now that I think about it. I'm not trying to attack anyone or call anyone a liar, so let me explain.

So last night I had this dream where I was speaking with 4 girls. They asked me questions about that I purchased, and I responded. I found myself saying things that were half true and half false and got branded a liar. The thing is, I didn't lie on purpose. The words just slipped out of my mouth, like I couldn't help it. I'm not sure if it's because I have difficulty expressing myself verbally, or if it's some unconscious thing happening.

My dream isn't the only example. Looking back through my life, I've lied a lot of times without even thinking about it! There were times when I lied for a reason, but also times when I lied without any reason. Sometimes I would say the wrong thing but didn't go back to correct it, so that becomes a lie. And at other times, especially in social situations I feel pressure to just say something quickly in order to fill in silences and sometimes, the words just come out wrong. I also mentioned many times before that I experience a mild to drastic drop in IQ points in social situations.

I used to be a chronic liar, but I've made an effort to cut back on the lying. Nowadays, I try not to lie, if I can help it, but I lie more to certian people (i.e. my brother) than to others depending on the situation. I think I've made significant progress to become a better person, and I'm gonna keep going!

 

[MikeyC]

I'm actually surprised you responded to my invisible post. Feel free to ignore. To answer your question, no, but I think I'm experiencing PMS and False Pregnancy (Pseudocyesis):

False Pregnancy (Pseudocyesis): Causes, Symptoms, and Tests

I gained weight last week due to an increase in appetite for some reason, and my belly was swollen a bit and somehow, I deluded myself into thinking I was pregnant. I even thought I was raped and got paranoid. Now that I think about it, it doesn't make sense that I got pregnant if I never had sex. This false pregnancy thing is really getting to me! Seeing pictures of toddlers, kids, or pregnant women can trigger my paranoia.

Add to the fact that I am PMSing. I notice that I tend to get very moody and overeative during PMS.

Ok, I think I have this fear of getting pregnant for real. I am so afraid of weight gain and protruding belly. I work so hard to lose weight, keep it off, only to regain the pounds? No way! Moreover, I'm too young to be a mother! I don't want to get pregnant or become a mom, even though there are many options out there nowadays (i.e. adoption, abortion, etc). No excuses!

I've never heard of pseudocyesis before, so this is news to me. It even says men can get it, which is...abnormal, at best.

You know you're not pregnant, but, according to that link you pasted, your body must be producing the hormones that indicate pregnancy. Maybe that's why you're getting a swollen belly. If it'll make you feel better, maybe a pregnancy test can put the idea to rest. You know you're not, but getting checked is a good idea if you're that worried.

JK Rowling: Hermione should have married Harry, not Ron | Books | theguardian.com

I read all HP books and always thought Hermione would end up with Harry somehow. Until I was blindsided when the author decided to mix up the pairings. Took me by surprise really. The Hermione-Ron pairing is akin to the Lisa-Millhouse pairing, in my opinon. I admit, I was one of those fans who weren't satisfied.

Why were you unsatisfied? I haven't read the books, but having the main character not get the girl at the end is a refreshing spin.

 

[jaim38]

I've never heard of pseudocyesis before, so this is news to me. It even says men can get it, which is...abnormal, at best.

You know you're not pregnant, but, according to that link you pasted, your body must be producing the hormones that indicate pregnancy. Maybe that's why you're getting a swollen belly. If it'll make you feel better, maybe a pregnancy test can put the idea to rest. You know you're not, but getting checked is a good idea if you're that worried.

Yeah, I even checked online for the symptoms, can't you believe it! I'm just deluding myself and being paranoid! You know what? I have a theory. I think I'm ovulating, which probably caused me to feel like I am pregnant and delude myself into thinking I am.

Why were you unsatisfied? I haven't read the books, but having the main character not get the girl at the end is a refreshing spin.

Ok, it's refreshing, but that's not the point. I just didn't feel any compatibility between Hermione and Ron at all. No sparks or attraction whatsoever. It's like the author suddenly decided out of the blue that they should be paired up! Imagine Lisa and Millhouse going out. I remember this one episode where there was a fast-forward into the future; they got married and Millhouse ended up gaining 100+lbs and bed-bound. He kept complaining to Lisa about pursuing her ambitions.

 

[MikeyC]

Yeah, I even checked online for the symptoms, can't you believe it! I'm just deluding myself and being paranoid! You know what? I have a theory. I think I'm ovulating, which probably caused me to feel like I am pregnant and delude myself into thinking I am.

I wouldn't know what ovulating feels like so I'll just have to take your word for that one. I hope it bought you some closure.

Ok, it's refreshing, but that's not the point. I just didn't feel any compatibility between Hermione and Ron at all. No sparks or attraction whatsoever. It's like the author suddenly decided out of the blue that they should be paired up! Imagine Lisa and Millhouse going out. I remember this one episode where there was a fast-forward into the future; they got married and Millhouse ended up gaining 100+lbs and bed-bound. He kept complaining to Lisa about pursuing her ambitions.

Once again, I'll have to take your word on it, since I haven't read the books. I watched the first six movies, though, and it seemed logical, since Harry got Ginny Weasley. That Simpsons reference is hilarious, haha.

 

[jaim38]

There's this blog that I follow, which often posts opinion pieces on controversial topics. I really enjoyed reading the blog posts, but some people don't. I get the feeling these people are trying to convince me to stop visiting the blog. They think the author is nuts and perhaps arrogant. I don't share the same views, but I think everyone is entitled to their opinions. I am also free to read what I think is interesting, which may or may not resonate with others around me. It feels like a battle between religions, or between atheists and believers. I'm not saying atheism or religion is right. My point is freedom of religion (or no religion).

 

[jaim38]

Another rant...

One of the reasons why I'm so afraid of going out is because I fear being punished for my thoughts. I believe there are spirits who feed off my thoughts and react to them. Sometimes when I get negative thoughts, for whatever reason, it feels like a punishment is coming up next. I feel like I'm being tested wherever I go. I'm tested for how I react to different types of people. There's just so much pressure for me to act perfect. I'm so scared of pissing anybody off, because it could be a test of my virtue and if I fail that, I get punished (whether through social ostracization, people hating me, calling me names, etc). I am only human, not perfect by any means!

My dad is nice and humble to everyone of course. He also has a thick skin, isn't as sensitive, and doesn't take offense easily. He's one of the most laid back people I've met. But, he didn't go through the same trauma I went through, which made me who I am today. I wish I could see life through my dad's eyes, but all these past experiences and memories are preventing me from enjoying life. Add to the fact that I'm being tested. I feel like I can't be me in public. The only "safe" haven is at home, where I don't have to worry about hurting anyone in social interactions and getting punished for it.

I suddenly thought about the bane of my life, KL. He probably thinks he's so smart, rich, and noble, with his arrogant attitude and all. I wish I could subject him to all the traumas I've experienced, along with being born into an unstable family right from the beginning, and see how he long he lasts.

I think the spirits are trying to brainwash me. They try to make me think I'm crazy and schizophrenic, try to get people to tell me that spirits don't exist. Recently, they try to tell me that the guy I was speaking with doesn't exist! They try to brainwash me into thinking that my true love is the spirits all along! If one thing's for sure, it's that I don't have any love feelings for these spirits and will never marry them. I'm sorry, but love can't be forced. And, I think these spirits have ulterior motives for getting into my head.

Romance is sweet and all, but I regret it. My plan was to die single without any children or husband. But then somebody had to throw me a curveball which threaten to ruin my plan. The spirits will follow me everywhere until I die - in this way I am cursed. Imagine the spirits doing the same thing to my future husband and children. Testing them, trying to change their lives for their own purposes, invading their privacy, etc. Imagine that my child "coincidentally" fell in love with KL's child and we became family! Oh the horror! Anyone who marries me will be just as cursed - just a warning. If I do marry, it's probably not to your average Joe. This "lucky" guy will have to put up with lots.

Hey, it's not too late to back out. Speak out and travel while you still can - go get your freedom, served on a platter!

 

[jaim38]

Ok, I have pretty much come to terms with my abnormal life. I still have hope that I will be free one day, most likely after I die. I will try to live my life with as much positive self affirmations and courage. I will continue to grow and mature as a person, despite the constraints in my life.

 

[Rawz]

^ :thumbup:

Whenever you make any sort of progress, or change in a good way no matter small, accomplish something, etc, don't forget to congratulate yourself. You deserve to feel good about it.

 

[Nanita]

Ok, I have pretty much come to terms with my abnormal life. I still have hope that I will be free one day, most likely after I die. I will try to live my life with as much positive self affirmations and courage. I will continue to grow and mature as a person, despite the constraints in my life.

I also think I won't be free or whatever until after I die.
I'm also trying to come to terms with my life. I try to focus mostly on the aspects of life that I do appreciate.

 

[jaim38]

Thank you Rawz and Nanita for your positive comments! I was a bit nervous actually about the comments I'll get. I've made so much progress in the past months only to have a few setbacks lately. I hope I can get back on my feet again and get my mojo back!

 

[MikeyC]

My dad is nice and humble to everyone of course. He also has a thick skin, isn't as sensitive, and doesn't take offense easily. He's one of the most laid back people I've met. But, he didn't go through the same trauma I went through, which made me who I am today. I wish I could see life through my dad's eyes, but all these past experiences and memories are preventing me from enjoying life.

I believe these are the kinds of people where their advice to sadness and depression is "get over it." I'm sure we've all been the subject of that advice, and we know it just doesn't work that way.

This "lucky" guy will have to put up with lots.

We all have baggage.

 

[jaim38]

So, I think it's time to end things, in a smooth manner. The whole experience was like a whirlwind, which lasted maybe 10 days since January. Fortunately, it was short and brief, so the cut will be almost crystal clean. Otherwise, if it's 1 or more years, it will get very messy. For the best interests of all parties involved (and I spent a lot of time thinking about it), I think it's best to nip it in the bud early. Even though the whole experience was only 10 days, it's still hard. I cried a bit last night, but that's nothing compared to if I ended things with someone after 3 years - I would have spent months crying and trying to get over it. Well, we didn't officially date but it was just mutual feelings we experienced, that's all. I just want him to know it will save us both a lot of headaches in the future. By breaking up, I save us pain and heartbreak for years to come.

However, I have one last question. I always wanted to know why he is attracted to me. What is it that he sees in me that he likes? I mean, I'm pretty much the proverbial "loser" in society. I was unpopular, bullied, not particularly good-looking or stunning, not tall, wears hobo clothes, bad hair, only held 1 brief job in my life, changed schools often and took me almost 6 years to graduate college, didn't have any obvious achievements in my life. In summary, I was your average girl, someone with nothing special. I don't get what makes me so attractive in the first place.

So, I'm back to being single. Which is a relief because I don't have to worry about ruining other people's lives anymore. I really hope that guy doesn't go binge drinking for comfort, because that would be the opposite effect I was going for. Wow, this all ended in under 2 weeks. It's just incredible. But still, I feel terrible for breaking people's hearts and also, I feel hurt and painful myself. But next time, I will take extra precautions to prevent such things from happening again (i.e. reject early), and that's the best I can do to avoid heartbreak.

 

[jaim38]

Yesterday, I went out to visit my grandma and met some relatives. Surprise! I decided that if I'm gonna get back into society, I will have to start somewhere. First stop: rehab center. So, while I was there, I made the effort to talk to my grandma (well, more like yell since she couldn't hear us well) and also speak to my aunt and uncle. It was still kinda awkward especially the eye contact thing. Also the overactive peripheral vision keeps bugging me. When my aunt looked in my direction, my brain keeps telling me, "she's looking at me!" So I turned to look at her and found that she was looking at something behind me, not directly at me. :kickingmyself:

And later on when more people came, I found myself being suffocated mentally. I started feeling anxious, my eyes started wandering and I found myself looking at places where I shouldn't look. With people facing me, it feels like people staring at me which is uncomfortable.

Later on in the day, I was interacting with someone online and I find myself being condescending perhaps! So she wrote this email which included soem trend analysis, which got me very excited! I decided I want to participate as well so I wrote her that I would like to do some math analysis too. But then I think she took it the wrong way and started apologizing for her novice attempts with math analysis, etc. I started guilty for making her feel this way, so I had to lower myself to her level and try to make up.

Honestly, I was worried whether I came off as an arrogant person. Maybe I should be more diplomatic with my words.

 

[jaim38]

I'm suddenly having revisits to the past. I used to live in a dorm, and I mentioned before that there's this girl who cried for no apparent reason, blamed it on me, and managed to pit all the girls against me. I swear I don't even know her, never spoken to her, pretty much strangers! People seem to think she's such an innocent angel and I'm the blackest of all sheep. Well, let me tell you, there's this one time when I was in the shower and she was in the bathroom. She turned off all the lights on purpose, leaving me in the dark, went outside to blab to some other girl about what she did like she was some freakin hero. Oh, and all the while that her friends took to bullying me, she did nothing. She couldn't even look at me anymore. It makes me think if she took advantage of her crying (both times) to win friends and make me the black sheep. What a b*tch! I really have no respect for people who fake crocodile tears. I'm typing all this up just to get the record straight because people don't have the whole picture.

 

[jaim38]

I'm gonna discuss 2 things today. The first is my dream - I dreamt that I was checking out the fashions of various girls around me. In an effort to avoid looking gay, I sneaked secret glances at the girls' clothes and thought they dressed really well. I would like to dress like them one day when I am more self sufficient.

Second issue: I don't know if I am overanalyzing my emails, but there were a couple of awkward moments. First, my boss said another volunteer had "superior" thinking skills. The first reaction I got was perhaps jealousy. My doormattish/brown-nosing instincts were ready to manifest. BUt then, I told myself, "I am not a brownnoser/doormat. I am volunteering to learn new skills, contribute to a good cause, and gain experience. My purpose here is NOT to try to kiss some boss' ***." Then I recall a former drama that I used to watch where a bunch of women fought over 2 men, who rarely get blamed for the troubles. I remember thinking, "hello? The men are at fault too, why are none of the girls berating them?" Insightful moment there - I WON'T be acting like those women in the show, being manipulated by the guys around them and fighting each other like cats.

Ok, so I'm not sure what my boss' intentions were. Was he trying to foster jealousy among volunteers? Regardless, his comments reflect on him, and I'm just going to ignore them.

The second issue I encountered was the tone of my emails. I'm trying very hard not to sound condescending or arrogant, but I can't help but think that I messed up at certain times. Confession: I'm not very good at displays of affection, i.e. being all gushy mushy lovey dovey. I'm good at doing that in my head, where I think in this childish voice, but physically, it's completely different. I am born with this hoarse dead pan voice that could pass as a guy's voice.

There's this volutneer who is very very sweet to other volunteers, and sometimes she sends out emails that sound very intimate. Honestly, I appreciate her emails but don't know how to match her energy. I never had a sister before so wouldn't know how to be intimate with other girls without sounding gay. Regardless, I try to keep my interactions professional, perhaps I sound a little stone cold but hopefully not.