Just another journal

[jaim38]

I'm not feeling good today. My dad had another seizure at work, and my brother scratched and touched me at places I don't want to be touched because he said I'm "staring" at him. I wasn't even staring at him - I only looked at him for 1 or 1.5 seconds, then quickly looked away. What an urchin. I thought my dad was coming in. Plus, I missed a call from someone, but he called me at the wrong time.

What a bad day, but I told myself I would try to maintain a positive attitude as much as I could.

 

[jaim38]

When I was on the phone with the EMT, I kept hearing some guy laughing at my dad, who is probably confused and dazed. An hour or so later, I went to the workplace and saw a tall guy - the same I saw last time. I think it was him I heard on the phone. I heard him say "stupid" when I was watching my dad putting away work materials. I got kinda mad, internally, because what my dad went through isn't funny at all. Imagine being unconscious, going around messing up stuff, and later on waking up not realizing what the heck you just did. It's scary. My dad's on epilepsy medication for almost a month now, but it's not working. Maybe he needs a stronger dose, or a different diagnosis. And, my dad sleepwalks too but I don't think there's a cure for sleepwalking.

 

[jaim38]

Fairytales, disney movies, many works of fiction, and of course, TV, movies, and other types of media feature damsels in distress who need somebody (mostly a man) to save them. Not many works of art were able to pass the Bechdel test. I admit I do have fantasies of getting saved/rescued, which reveal my underlying feelings of helplessness. I feel kinda bad because this is saying I don't have much belief/faith/confidence in my own abilities. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to date/get into a relationship at this time. I would become codependent on my partner, or I end up like my mom - both of which I want to avoid.

Over the past few years, I've suffered from severe anxiety, depression, sometimes suicidal feelings, severe lack of confidence, agoraphobia, etc. They have destroyed me academically and professionally. Over the last year or so, I decided to start on my journey to recovery. I started cutting back on fantasies about damsels in distress. Hopefully, as I get stronger and gain more self-confidence, I begin to view myself in better light, as a person with high self-worth and dignity to hold myself up, without having to rely on someone as a prop.

 

[MikeyC]

my brother scratched and touched me at places I don't want to be touched because he said I'm "staring" at him. I wasn't even staring at him - I only looked at him for 1 or 1.5 seconds, then quickly looked away. What an urchin.

What the hell?

Fairytales, disney movies, many works of fiction, and of course, TV, movies, and other types of media feature damsels in distress who need somebody (mostly a man) to save them. Not many works of art were able to pass the Bechdel test. I admit I do have fantasies of getting saved/rescued, which reveal my underlying feelings of helplessness. I feel kinda bad because this is saying I don't have much belief/faith/confidence in my own abilities. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to date/get into a relationship at this time. I would become codependent on my partner, or I end up like my mom - both of which I want to avoid.

Over the past few years, I've suffered from severe anxiety, depression, sometimes suicidal feelings, severe lack of confidence, agoraphobia, etc. They have destroyed me academically and professionally. Over the last year or so, I decided to start on my journey to recovery. I started cutting back on fantasies about damsels in distress. Hopefully, as I get stronger and gain more self-confidence, I begin to view myself in better light, as a person with high self-worth and dignity to hold myself up, without having to rely on someone as a prop.

I remember you said in this thread that you like men who have lots of money and who are successful, so that could tie in to what you feel about being "saved" from your current life. Good on you for trying to work on it, though.

 

[jaim38]

I remember you said in this thread that you like men who have lots of money and who are successful, so that could tie in to what you feel about being "saved" from your current life. Good on you for trying to work on it, though.

Ok yes, I used to have gold digging tendencies which I'm not proud of, mainly due to lack of self esteem and self worth. However, I'm working on it. I don't want to marry for money, prestige, or some other shallow reason.

 

[jaim38]

I just had a scary daydream that I was pregnant! I started freaking out and thought, "I'm too young to be a mom! I don't want a kid at this age! Ahhhhhh...." Even though the daydream is over, I'm still kinda freaked out. Wow, I don't know if it's OCD, wild active imagination, or what. I just had my period this month. No way I'm pregnant. Now stop thinking about it!

 

[MikeyC]

Ok yes, I used to have gold digging tendencies which I'm not proud of, mainly due to lack of self esteem and self worth. However, I'm working on it. I don't want to marry for money, prestige, or some other shallow reason.

Hey, I'm not judging. I was just pointing out that there could be a connection between the two. Marriage is a big deal so love is definitely more important than those other things.

However, I will admit that girls in general seem to be attracted to men who have it all together: wealth, friends, looks, a nice suit, original hair. I don't think what you're feeling should be too shameful, because men like that offer security as well as love. I think it's just a biological thing.

I'd better go get an Armani suit and wear it to McDonald's. The ladies will be all over me. :bigsmile:

I just had a scary daydream that I was pregnant! I started freaking out and thought, "I'm too young to be a mom! I don't want a kid at this age! Ahhhhhh...." Even though the daydream is over, I'm still kinda freaked out. Wow, I don't know if it's OCD, wild active imagination, or what. I just had my period this month. No way I'm pregnant. Now stop thinking about it!

I get this, too.

Wait....

 

[jaim38]

^Wait, you're not a girl you can't get pregnant...or are you?

 

[jaim38]

Why a Rejection Letter From Harvard or Other Top Colleges Can Be Surprisingly Helpful | LinkedIn

Getting rejected by top colleges doesn't mean you're a loser/dumbo/inferior person. People often lose sight of the important things. I'm surprised some parents actually go on Twitter to complain about how their straight As, highly intelligent, almost perfect child didn't get into a top college. It makes me wonder, do they care about their child's well being? Are they using their child to boost their own self esteem or something?

 

[MikeyC]

^Wait, you're not a girl you can't get pregnant...or are you?

No, I'm male. I was making a joke.

 

[jaim38]

Facebook for business/work purposes? So, there's this volunteer in my org who suggested creating FB groups for promotion and recruiting purposes. I kinda freaked out because I really don't like using FB. Even though I'm on FB, my account is inactive and I don't log in a lot. So, she wanted everyone in the org to create/join FB groups and work together to promote the org. Yikes! I don't know what to do! I mean, there are valid reasons why we should be using FB - mainly the large percentage of our target audience using FB. I can't come up with any reason NOT to use FB, but I try not to be biased.

 

[jc972]

Facebook for business/work purposes? So, there's this volunteer in my org who suggested creating FB groups for promotion and recruiting purposes. I kinda freaked out because I really don't like using FB. Even though I'm on FB, my account is inactive and I don't log in a lot. So, she wanted everyone in the org to create/join FB groups and work together to promote the org. Yikes! I don't know what to do! I mean, there are valid reasons why we should be using FB - mainly the large percentage of our target audience using FB. I can't come up with any reason NOT to use FB, but I try not to be biased.

Sounds to me like they should learn the difference between work and private life.

 

[jaim38]

So, I'm already satisfied living the single life. But then I started thinking about my future with a partner which made me cringe for several reasons. First and foremost, I value my privacy. Living with a partner means I have to give this up to a certain extent. For instance, I often go to bed with clips and sometimes tape on my face (for personal reasons), but when I share a bedroom with someone else, I know I'll have to get rid of these things or risk destroying the relationship? And that's not the only "bad" habit I have. I have other very personal habits that I prefer to keep private. Not even my parents know about some of them.

Also, living with someone else means I have to look neat, presentable, and maybe pretty when I'm around this person. Gone will be the days when I can walk around wearing hobo clothes without caring about who criticizes me. I wear dark a lot, which could be a turn off for some guys. Not to mention I have to control my bodily noises even more.

I also have family issues that I must share. My family's already abnormal enough.

So, I'm already freaking out just by considering the fact that I won't be single forever. I'm still young though, which means I have more time to reflect on what I want to do with my life. Freedom, privacy - all these things that will be mostly gone in a relationship - treasure them while I still can...

 

[Steiner]

So, I'm already satisfied living the single life. But then I started thinking about my future with a partner which made me cringe for several reasons. First and foremost, I value my privacy. Living with a partner means I have to give this up to a certain extent. For instance, I often go to bed with clips and sometimes tape on my face (for personal reasons), but when I share a bedroom with someone else, I know I'll have to get rid of these things or risk destroying the relationship? And that's not the only "bad" habit I have. I have other very personal habits that I prefer to keep private. Not even my parents know about some of them.

Also, living with someone else means I have to look neat, presentable, and maybe pretty when I'm around this person. Gone will be the days when I can walk around wearing hobo clothes without caring about who criticizes me. I wear dark a lot, which could be a turn off for some guys. Not to mention I have to control my bodily noises even more.

I also have family issues that I must share. My family's already abnormal enough.

So, I'm already freaking out just by considering the fact that I won't be single forever. I'm still young though, which means I have more time to reflect on what I want to do with my life. Freedom, privacy - all these things that will be mostly gone in a relationship - treasure them while I still can...

Clips and tape on your face? I am just gonna guess to help with breathing? Like those breather strips people put on their nose. Not sure about other private habits you have but I don't hear anything that would necessarily turn someone away from you.

I like to wear hobo clothes too and no dark isn't a turn-off. Dark clothes makes everything look better. I look best in a black t-shirt I think.

 

[jaim38]

Clips and tape on your face? I am just gonna guess to help with breathing? Like those breather strips people put on their nose. Not sure about other private habits you have but I don't hear anything that would necessarily turn someone away from you.

I like to wear hobo clothes too and no dark isn't a turn-off. Dark clothes makes everything look better. I look best in a black t-shirt I think.

The clips are for clipping hair away from my face, because my face's sensitive and vulnerable to acne. I've gotten pimples before just by having hair get into my face. The tape is for drooling prevention. When I sleep, I used to drool a lot but after using tape it stopped. I don't use tape a lot though recently, because I started feeling self conscious for whatever reason. I now use a stuffed pillow in its place. I don't do sleepovers with friends. God forbid they see me sleeping!

Yeah, I like wearing loose hobo clothes to lounge around the house. I don't care what color they are as long as they're comfortable. But of course, I will never wear them outside in public.

 

[Steiner]

The clips are for clipping hair away from my face, because my face's sensitive and vulnerable to acne. I've gotten pimples before just by having hair get into my face. The tape is for drooling prevention. When I sleep, I used to drool a lot but after using tape it stopped. I don't use tape a lot though recently, because I started feeling self conscious for whatever reason. I now use a stuffed pillow in its place. I don't do sleepovers with friends. God forbid they see me sleeping!

Yeah, I like wearing loose hobo clothes to lounge around the house. I don't care what color they are as long as they're comfortable. But of course, I will never wear them outside in public.

Ah I see. I remember when I would have sleepovers years ago back in elementary. They would always be boring cause I would always be the last one awake/never went to sleep because I was scared of pissing the bed.

Hobo clothes are pretty comfortable. I tend to wear hobo clothes out in public though as well. Usually full of holes and falling apart but the only reason they got holes was because they are comfortable. :thumbup:

 

[MikeyC]

First and foremost, I value my privacy. Living with a partner means I have to give this up to a certain extent.

I agree, but you don't have to spend every waking moment with your boyfriend. You'll have things you like to do on your own, and he will, too. Spending all day, every day together is doomed for failure.

For instance, I often go to bed with clips and sometimes tape on my face (for personal reasons), but when I share a bedroom with someone else, I know I'll have to get rid of these things or risk destroying the relationship?

If doing that is going to "destroy" the relationship, and you're doing it for reasons that improve your health, then he has wildly high standards.

Also, living with someone else means I have to look neat, presentable, and maybe pretty when I'm around this person. Gone will be the days when I can walk around wearing hobo clothes without caring about who criticizes me. I wear dark a lot, which could be a turn off for some guys. Not to mention I have to control my bodily noises even more.

Wearing dark is great, and you don't have to look like a princess all the time. Are you sure he's going to be wearing a tuxedo every time he sees you, too?

I also have family issues that I must share. My family's already abnormal enough.

A lot of people have some sort of family issues, so you're definitely not the only one, although I do admit your brother sounds like a piece of shit, no offence.

Taking all that into account, I think that you and him could compromise. He will have some excess baggage of his own, more than likely - nobody is prim, proper, and perfect - so he will think some of his problems/quirks will be enough to destroy a relationship. You just have to find the right guy who likes you for you, and not leave you because of some dark clothes and tape on your face when you sleep.

Also, men fart. So there's that.

 

[jaim38]

Thanks for the comments Steiner!

@MikeyC: Thanks for the advice! I totally agree with you. Maybe one day I will meet someone who likes me for who I am, not that I'm actively looking or anything.

Maybe this is just me, but given the fact that I'm unemployed, kinda immature, and kinda broken in some way, I want to be friends first. I don't want to go straight into dating at this time. I'm probably in the minority because people don't date someone who they friendzoned. I'm seeing this from another perspective. I think friendships are a time to get to know each other better, and later on when the time is right and there's potential, blossom into something more. I see this a lot in the mangas that I read, where childhood friends become lovers - something I enjoy reading about.

 

[Steiner]

Thanks for the comments Steiner!

@MikeyC: Thanks for the advice! I totally agree with you. Maybe one day I will meet someone who likes me for who I am, not that I'm actively looking or anything.

Maybe this is just me, but given the fact that I'm unemployed, kinda immature, and kinda broken in some way, I want to be friends first. I don't want to go straight into dating at this time. I'm probably in the minority because people don't date someone who they friendzoned. I'm seeing this from another perspective. I think friendships are a time to get to know each other better, and later on when the time is right and there's potential, blossom into something more. I see this a lot in the mangas that I read, where childhood friends become lovers - something I enjoy reading about.

No problem. Of course.

Kawaii childhood friends. I had a childhood friend but of course that didn't end too well. If only life were like a manga. Then again I'd probably just be that boring background character while the main character bathes in glory of his main character superiority.

I'm the guy in the back I circled.

The guy in the front to the right looks like obvious main character quality.

 

[jaim38]

Today I had another long-@ss boring typing chat session with my brother. It was literally a typing session. Nothing, aka no words, came out of our mouths. And, we weren't facing each other. We were just taking turns typing on the same computer, using the keyboard.

So during the typing session, my brother took the time to berate me, put me down for my troubles, and proceeded to blame everything on me. It's always my fault, no matter what, according to him. And, he told me to be more quiet and act more pleasant towards other people. He said I'm a social failure, basically. I'm sitting there the entire 20-30 minutes thinking, how ironic! My brother - who is extremely cynical, aggressive, socially anxious, aogpraphobic, paranoid, wouldn't even speak to me face to face but only type/write, and has all sorts of problems - is the one lecturing me, giving me advice that is supposed to be good for me? He's acting like he knows better than me when in fact he's suffering from the same problems, and many more!

Despite his doubtful credibility, I do think he has a point. Yes, I suck socially, for various reasons. My parents never really stressed social interaction as an important part of growing up. They tell me to focus on my studies, that's pretty much it. So, it should be no surprise I grew up as a social failure. But I did point out that I'm improving. Today, I went out and met some relatives, took the initiative to speak to them. It wasn't perfect, but it's a start. Gotta be positive!