^Thank you Bluedays!
At my grandma's funeral ceremony today (yes, we have to go another day), I have never felt more like the black sheep. I took the courage and apologized to my cousin today, and she said it's alright. But, my troubles aren't over yet. Another cousin attempted to make me feel bad. I heard M said she hated me because I was "f*cking stupid". She tried to turn her brothers and sisters against me, told them not to look at me. Earlier, I tried speaking with M and her siblings to break the ice but that didn't work. She just kept on talking bad about me, even yelling at my direction at one time "Nobody likes you" which I know isn't true. It brought me back to college again. I apologized to the first cousin because there is reason to apologize; in M's case, I see no reason to apologize. I didn't wrong her in any way. She's the bully. If I apologize, I would look like a doormat that anyone could step on.
Finally, the icing on the cake: the relatives all decided to go to a particular restaurant to eat. My mom was there when the decision was being made. We were driving to the restaurant and when we arrived, there was no one that we knew there. My mom was wondering, "Where did everyone go? Were we the first ones here, and the others were simply late?" Finally, it dawned on me that we were being tricked. I think we were tricked by those cousins. I had to put 2 and 2 together to realize what had happened. Those cousins must have had a change of plans without informing us, so they dragged everyone else with them except us. We ended up going to the wrong restaurant. Honestly, I feel hurt to be rejected, insulted, harassed, and pranked on, but it was a huge learning experience for me. I eventually went home and cried, just let it all out. I have never met so many mean people all in one place. I have never felt so much like the black sheep. Add to that my brother's insults. On our way home, my brother started calling me stupid. I thought about my cousins helping their own siblings. They stick up for their own kind. Me on the other hand, I feel so alone in my family. I only have 1 sibling, my brother, but he's a bully and kept putting me down. I know that if I was in a showdown with another person, my brother wouldn't come help me at all. He'll just stand there and think I'm incredibly stupid.
In one of my MOOC classes, the professor taught us to rewire our brains to build an entreprenurial mindset. So, here are the positives:
1. Today will probably be the last time I see these relatives.
2. I found out who I can trust and who I can't.
3. Apologizing isn't so hard. It used to be very difficult for me to apologize to people because I thought my pride would get wounded which I couldn't stand for. Now, I am learning to apologize gracefully. Apologies don't have to mean loss of pride, self esteem, reputation, etc.
4. My CQ has increased a bit
5. My hide has grown thicker. "Nobody likes you" doesn't sting as much as it used to.
6. I have survived after falling so low.
7. Don't take it personally if someone doesn't like me. In this world, there are people who like me and people who don't. I can't make everyone like me, and it's OK. I'm sure celebs, politicians, and other high profile figures have fans and haters.
8. Relatives are just that - relatives. We are related by blood, and nothing else. We don't get to choose which families we are born into. Friends, on the other hand, are made by choice. Not all relatives can be friends, and not all friends are relatives.
9. Live to see tomorrow. Life is too short to worry about the past. Leave the past behind and enjoy the present (or at least try to make it a learning experience).