Is being tired a feeling? This is how I feel, I feel tired, oh so tired.
Tired to pretend all is well. I got to pretend all is well at work all the time, I'm bubbly and kind of liked by some - I think
But as soon as I leave work, the complete isolation starts. It's like I am leading a double life. It has been going on for so long, it's becoming too difficult to handle, I feel like giving up.
I feel tired.
By the way, this is my very first post - I'm not sure if posting will help in making me feel better - would welcome your feedback on that topic - but can it really make me feel worse? Can anything?
My life outside of work is the most miserable life I could think of, and I am so angry at myself for letting it go that far. Putting this in writing is very difficult by the way...
I have no family living in this country (Australia), not one friend and absolutely nobody to talk to outside of work. Speaking to people terrifies me so I don't go out much because there is a lot of people out there, they're everywhere!
When I manage to convince myself to get out, I just get in the car and drive aimlessly, I'm too scared to get out of the car, I then become angry at myself for not being able to get out of the car so I quickly drive back home, feeling even more miserable than i was before going out so convinced myself not to bother anymore.
I do not remember last time I ate vegetable, my diet consist of half a burger and chips for lunch in the office, I never have breakfast and do not have diners most evenings, when I do it consists of bread with cheese or beans, I smoke, drink coffee and coke all day long.
Got into smoking a lot a weed because when I don't I just feel so miserable, lonely and bored. At first I think it helped me but now, after months, years, it's getting too much but cannot see myself living without it. It's terrifying...
I spend my time on the sofa watching tv, playing any sorts of game on my ipad all day long on week-ends, fall asleep on the sofa, wake up in the morning, sometimes - and more often - cry like an idiot in the shower thinking of the miserable week-end I just had, then put on a big smile at work and keep it up until 5pm.
I kind of figured out this was not the way to live and managed to see a therapist for a few months now, she has just recently mentioned the term social phobia and it has been kind of a revelation to me. I never put a word on it before. I was booked to start a group session but got rejected, not entirely sure why, the weed I suppose.
They referred me to a psychologist for one on one sessions. Another 10 days to go, any advice from anyone to find the strength to keep going for another 10 days without going completely insane? And if that doesn't help, what's next?
I can't live this way anymore
I'm tired
well im not going to sleep tonight. I was about to go to sleep when there was a spider in my room, im talking Australia big, I freaked and threw a book at it and it disappeared and I cant find it. Oh my god im so tired and now im pissed
