I'm feeling like..... once you're born you're stuck. My family would be devastated if I ended up somehow ceasing to exist, but..... I can't be "happy" just for them, for my entire life.
I'm just going to say it: I'm truly baffled by people who saw that video of my hands and told me they looked normal. Maybe if you guys saw them in real life... you'd understand. You'd see what I see.
It sounds silly to be so depressed over hands, and want to end your life, but I'm not the only one. In doing some Google searches I've found people online who have the same complex about their own hands.
Mine are just too small. But, worse than that.... my fingers really are too short. Like, ugly short. Seriously, I feel that they're hideous. As one of my acquaintances put it, "it looks like someone chopped the tips of your fingers off". Lovely, huh? Tell me you'd be interested in a girl who has baby hands, with fingers that look like THAT. Didn't think so.
I get even more depressed when I look at my sister...... I've never told her and I won't, because I'd feel mean saying it, but.... her hands are so small compared to her body. It just doesn't seem right. She's big-boned and has a mature face, but her hands are so tiny..... It makes me feel like we're a family of freaks. My grandfather's hands are the same way, as are my aunt's. My father's fingers are REALLY stubby, my mom told me. I got his hands, though my fingers aren't as short as his apparently.
My brother and my other sister got normal-sized hands with normal-length fingers. Lucky them. As did my other little brother and sister. My youngest sister has the longest loveliest fingers....... I'm insanely jealous. It's not like I can get plastic hand surgery, either. I'm stuck.
Yes, I know all this makes me insane but it's what's developed in my head over the course of a year and a half. So by now it's a compulsion and a source of despair. I'm a freak and I don't want to live any more, simple as that. I'm ready to die, I just have to find a way...... and somehow let me family know how sorry I am.