How are you feeling?

[Graeme1988]

I feel so... ah don’t even know anymore. :sad:

Numb. Uninspired. Questioning the point of a creative outlet like making music.
Or, at least, how therapeutic it is when done in toxic, negative environment? :idontknow:

Stuck in a situation where I have very little freedom. Something that isn’t so easily changed when you’re physically disabled. I mean, it’s no like ah cun just pack up and f*ck off somewhere for a week to escape my problems. If only..

This year has just been a continuation of the previous year. Except this year I was told that me being happy is something my family actually resents. Thanks Mum! :thumbdown:

 

[Graeme1988]

So sorry to hear that Graeme1988, this year has been different from last yr for me. Hope next yr will get even better. For you i wish there will be changes for you and me Life is hard

That’s what I’m hoping for... even if I’m seriously considering taking the house offered to me if something becomes available. :sad:

What? Your family has told you that they resent you being happy? why? how could they say that? You don't have to care about that.

Oh, that’s been the attitude for years! Jealousy, I’m guessing. :idontknow: Ah rare get an honest, truthful answer when it’s me questioning them as to why they are how they are. My older sister has been vocal in her resent. “How come he’s allowed to do that? Why tha fu...”.

Or it could be that I stopped expecting to get things my way or asking for things altogether, once my disability started worsening it kinda changed my perspective on what mattered in my life.

As for my mother, well... she’s more subtle in her resent, always being dismissive or telling me not to do something but never elaborating on why not. And last year, during an argument about me moving out, she says: “Ah hate when you gan up tae Edinburgh n’ stay...” When I pointed it was just for a weekend, she told me she hates being in the house by herself. I told my oldest sister this, and she told me that 2 years ago, while I was in hospital getting my orthopaedic surgery, she had to stay at the house because our mother didn’t want to be by herself for a week. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

oh i think i see, they didn't say they resent you being happy but their actions portray that in how they don't want you to move and other stuff.

Uh-huh! :thumbdown:

 

[Graeme1988]

They're always quick tae fling oot the victim card n' start gan oan aboot: "Why me? Why is it always me?!" :crying:

Yet, not one o' them will even acknowledge whit's been like fur me, going on nearly 20 years huvin to just accept arguments as a normal part of family life. F*ck tha fact that ma heid's mice. And metaphorically being held together by tattered sellotape at this point. Naw ! Nay need to be concerned about ma well-being. Cuz time n' time again, am telt that ah don't matter.... :kickingmyself:

Opinions, observations, advice... means f*ck whenever they come fae me. Oh aye, they'll agree wae me to appease me but admitting mistakes and actually changing for better? Nah, forget! :no:

Always having to be guarded because ya don't know if they're being genuine or deceptive. Because they've f*cked you over in the past and blamed you for it.It's a $h!%* life when ye have to teach yersel' how to be the positive example that neither yer parents, siblings or immediate family set for ye. ::

 

[Graeme1988]

I know, I really hope your life gets better Graeme1988

Hope? Ah seem to be clinging to that for dear life at the moment. :sad: As far as things getting better, that’s wishful thinking at this point. Or, my case, a 2 year old promise made to me that wus’nae gonna be kept. Can’t reason with any of them... or make them see things from my perspective. Not without being accused of bullying. :kickingmyself: Which says a lot about the maturity of the “adults” in my family. All of whom are older than me.

 

[Kiwong]

I am less anxious, but my writing is less intense and not as creative.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I am less anxious, but my writing is less intense and not as creative.

There's the rub.

 

[Kiwong]

There's the rub.

yep, throughout history those who are most creative are often in the depths of misery.

 

[Graeme1988]

Still in the same miserable situation I was in before getting my surgeries 2 years ago. :sad:
So much for improving things, and giving myself independence.

 

[Graeme1988]

Got a weird rush when I pressed uploaded just a few minutes ago on SoundCloud. :shyness:

Well... ah guess it's time to make that music thread.

 

[Kiwong]

So I went into the shops. I saw an exquisitely beautiful lady, tall. long legs, in a grey figure hugging dress, long dark wavy hair, south American looking. The world rally champs are in town, perhaps the girl friend of one of the drivers

 

[vj288]

Stressed. I've sort of been feeling it for a little while now, but I noticed it last night when I saw the tv I planned to buy on Black Friday went up for sale two days ago and all I had to do was check the computer and would have seen it. I needed a break from constantly looking at the computer constantly...oh the irony mg:

I had to take some deep breaths and remind myself it's just a tv, and that the difference of $50 or even $100 is not the end of the world. That's all true, I'm really adamant about getting a good deal, but in the grand scheme of things it's not the most important thing in the world. It's really only important at all because I decided it was.

I think what really was getting to me is I missed a chance to take something off my plate. On top of the overwhelming process that is wading through Black Friday deals, I also could really use a new desktop for work. Then there is Christmas where I still need to buy my entire family presents and have no good ideas on gifts, in addition to the financial crunch I am putting myself in. That leads into work where I am trying to juggle a lot of income streams and currently a lot of potential new streams that would help, but require my attention.

On the non-money side of my plate I then have the holidays in general. First is Thanksgiving, in which I have committed myself to running a Turkey Trot with my sister. It's a bit of a long run which I don't feel prepared for, not to mention road races are a people-thing that I haven't done in a while. Then there's Thanksgiving itself, where I don't think my family has made any food plans. This would be ok if that TV I wanted didn't go on sale on thanksgiving.

Then my Birthday is two weeks after that, which I always find much more stressful than enjoyable. My dad is going to bring my car to have it's seasonal tires switch which is a relief, but then I have to have cake and food. And then my girlfriend has a "surprise" that I am worried about. I am sure she means well, but what makes the holidays stressful is being prepared for surprises. Like what if she does something I definitely don't want like propose? Or like, "Surprise, I got you a threesome!" Both well-meaning, but not what I want.

Then there is the actual process of Christmas, and all the different plans. I don't have an excuse of "I have to work" this year, so it'd be hard for me to avoid most of it. The idea of explaining how I am paying the bills, or when I am going to get a haircut, or move out of my parents house - well, I just don't see that as enjoying the holidays. It's just making conversation, but I don't have any great things to talk about right now.

Then there is the new year, where I have to tackle my taxes. In the past it was just filling out one or two incomes and claiming my health insurance and student loans. This year it's going to be like 5 incomes that are not straightforward and I had to manage throughout the year. I know I will either have to stress through it myself, or stress myself out on going to a professional to help me.

Then between February and March I have three more birthdays, an anniversary, and Valentines day all over a 5 week span. Oh, and I can't forget I will have a fresh batch of bills to pay at the start of the new year. And there is the process of figuring out my health insurance, because, well, it sucks. My state penalizes you if you don't have it, but the cheapest plan is too expensive for something I literally haven't used in three years.

I just wish it was April already :crying:

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Wow, VJ... that's a full plate.

I often wish I had a bigger, closer, family and more relationships but I forget how often times that can just mean more problems, especially for people like us.

I'm sorry you missed the sale on the TV, but there's going to be a mountain of deals over the next week or so online, unless you're not comfortable ordering electronics that way. :/

I share some of those concerns you mentioned, especially health insurance. In fact I was completely with you until this part:

"Surprise, I got you a threesome!" Both well-meaning, but not what I want.

Now that's one concern I wouldn't mind taking on.

 

[vj288]

Wow, VJ... that's a full plate.

I often wish I had a bigger, closer, family and more relationships but I forget how often times that can just mean more problems, especially for people like us.

I'm sorry you missed the sale on the TV, but there's going to be a mountain of deals over the next week or so online, unless you're not comfortable ordering electronics that way. :/

I share some of those concerns you mentioned, especially health insurance. In fact I was completely with you until this part:

Now that's one concern I wouldn't mind taking on.

Yes, indeed it is. I try not to take for granted having a present family, and I generally enjoy my immediate family. And even with my extended family it's not them, but me not being proud of what I currently have to show for myself. I hope I'm moving in the right direction, but talk is cheap, and without results it's particularly hard to talk about myself.

I am oh so aware of the mountain of deals, with trying to sift through the deals and find the good and bad ones being the challenge. The thing that got to me about the tv going up early was I had done all the research and decided the price and quality fit my criteria. It should still go up for sale online on Thanksgiving at the deal price, I was just kicking myself I missed the chance to get the deal early with less competition. And if I miss out again, sorting through the deals through the rest of the weekend into cyber Monday is a bit of an overwhelming thought. I'm might be over-worrying, but there are also no guarantees. I'll feel better once I have my feet up and am watching it. :bigsmile:


And hey, threesomes sound cool in theory, but in practice it'd be a nightmare I think :: Like, I'd be all the awkwardness of a twosome with a stranger, except with a girlfriend in the mix who is going to get jealous if your eyes linger too long in the wrong direction. And that's not even diving into the practicality of it all! I'm pretty sure (hopeful) that this will not be my birthday surprise, but it's not so out of the scope of possibility that I haven't spent a little time running through a realistic situation, and it's just not as fun thinking about it that way, just stressful ::

 

[BlueDays]

On the non-money side of my plate I then have the holidays in general. First is Thanksgiving, in which I have committed myself to running a Turkey Trot with my sister. It's a bit of a long run which I don't feel prepared for, not to mention road races are a people-thing that I haven't done in a while.

^ My mind was extremely pleased to read in the next sentence what a "Turkey Trot" actually was, lol. The millisecond after reading those two words, my mind was swirling around a whirlwind of images, of all the possibilities of what a "Turkey Trot" might actually involve!!

Then my Birthday is two weeks after that,.......... And then my girlfriend has a "surprise" that I am worried about. I am sure she means well, but what makes the holidays stressful is being prepared for surprises. Like what if she does something, I definitely don't want like propose? Or like, "Surprise, I got you a threesome!" Both well-meaning, but not what I want.

If she proposes - Begin a long coughing fit.
Then hope that while she is rushing around trying to obtain some ingestible liquid, to wash down your throat, she hopes will stop your coughing fit, she might lose her nerve!
Then hopefully she decides NOT to go through with the proposal, for the time being.
Although, she might think up a great way of proposing on New Year's Eve, because that is quite a popular time to propose. You might have to have an "emergency" thought out and practised for that night too. :thinking:

If she reveals that she has in fact got you a threesome for your Birthday - Well.....*giggles uncontrollably* :shyness: cough, cough, yeah.....I have no idea how you're going to get out of that one, vj!

Then there is the actual process of Christmas, and all the different plans. I don't have an excuse of "I have to work" this year, so it'd be hard for me to avoid most of it. The idea of explaining how I am paying the bills, or when I am going to get a haircut, or move out of my parents house - well, I just don't see that as enjoying the holidays. It's just making conversation, but I don't have any great things to talk about right now.

^ A wise lady in an office once taught me how to...... use some creativity to exaggerate something so that it sounded simply magnificent! Even though in reality, this thing was quite bland.
Could you try and pre-write some cleverly worded answers, that creatively implies that things about your work, or moving out, are more excitable to talk about then you feel they are now? Do you think that would help you not be as worried about saying them to people, at these Christmas events?

 

[Graeme1988]

Just wondering if this wus how ma life wus supposed pan out? Caring for a parent that’s too lazy to take responsibility for themselves, rarely leaving the house. Always being the person that everyone else seems to rely upon. Sometimes ah think my family forget that I’m physically disabled. :sad:

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Deadlines are the worst. Absolute torture.

I'm going to get one of those conveyor-belt jobs in a factory where all you have to do is sort bottles and put gloves on them.

 

[Graeme1988]

When you do leave the house, what do you do? just wondering, it's good to recall those moments when you feel great

If it’s no going to a concert, it’s usually heading into town buy something and maybe getting something to eat whilst out. Or my oldest sister will ask me if I want to somewhere if she got enough time between her breaks from work, and go for a short car ride around town or up along the backroads. Ah know, it’s simple, but when home life is noisy and chaotic, it’s a relief just being somewhere else for an hour or two.

 

[Sarah_M]

I'm really tired. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter to anyone. I'm tired of being told how beautiful I am, but having no one ever ask me out. I am tired of hating myself. I'm tired of being ugly. And I am tired of being single. This marks the 4th holiday season that I am single. I ****ing hate every second of it. I hate seeing happy couples everywhere and people starting families and getting married; I want to douse them in pigs blood.

 

[theoutsider]

Feeling exhausted and not so good. Had a bad social anxiety day today at work. Came out of nowhere and just before Thanksgiving. Now all I want to do is rest but I have things...social things to do tomorrow. Arghhh!!