How are you feeling?

defiance

Well-known member
^that is me. The idea of going to sleep and never waking to this reality.
I have longevity in my genes which is the biggest Cosmic Joke!!!!

I am more depressed now than ever in the morning because my dreams/REM sleep take me away from all this awfulness of living. Even my bad dreams are a respite to the everyday awfulness of existence.

Nothing seems to dull or numb the pain anymore either.

I have fought this feeling since I was little. I knew it was potentially going to drive me to my grave early. I fought more when I had hope and when I was naive. Anymore I just give in to not caring about myself. I have become apathetic. It is almost a relief to not care though-though some days I am stricken with self pity like today. Some days I feel like I have wasted my life though I know I never had much to begin with.

Hang in there the best you can. I am only sticking around so I won't cause pain to a few people that still matter quite a bit to me. I can't put them through that kind of pain, as if me being a loser wasn't painful enough for them. I wish I could offer words of comfort and wisdom but I can't. My depression also hits me the hardest in the morning when I wake up because now I have to go through the same motions as I always do, pain and more pain. Best of luck to you. Hope you feel better soon.
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
I dream of flying away becoming a bird, no need for human words or thoughts anymore.

The Radiohead song "how to disappear completely" really resonates with me.

As hard as the human world is, and how fearful my existence has become, the natural world I would miss terribly.
 
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Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Aww... ya b@$%@*¿$!! Well, that's me wakened 2 hours earlier than planned. F**k! :eek:h:
Thanks to my local window cleaners - the c*nts! :veryangry: That'll be me in a crabbit, grumpy mood this morning. :thumbdown:
 

AtTheGates

Banned
damn its going to be a long day but I think we get out early...after we get sprayed with mace.....idk how I'm going to be able to drive home after that though..
Learning baton defense will be fun though hopefully

I'm ready for this week to be over so I can get away from people for a while. sitting in a crowded classroom is so uncomfortable .
 
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Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
In better mood now. Don't know if it'll last. :idontknow:

Still not getting an internet connection via ma laptop... again! :thumbdown:
Ye would think they give ye better service, considering how yer bloody paying for it. :eek:h:
 

defiance

Well-known member
I had such a wonderful dream. I was happy and felt free of all my burdens. I remember yelling in my dreams "THIS IS PARADISE....THIS IS TRUE HAPPINESS"......then I woke up to reality. I was filled with the opposite of what I felt in my dreams. If I could have stayed in that dream forever, then life would just be amazing. It was so peaceful and calm. When I woke up, I was miserable again as I knew what my day was going to be about. I'm just so tired of it all that any relief I can get, real or not, I will take it.:sad:
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
I had such a wonderful dream. I was happy and felt free of all my burdens. I remember yelling in my dreams "THIS IS PARADISE....THIS IS TRUE HAPPINESS"......then I woke up to reality. I was filled with the opposite of what I felt in my dreams. If I could have stayed in that dream forever, then life would just be amazing. It was so peaceful and calm. When I woke up, I was miserable again as I knew what my day was going to be about. I'm just so tired of it all that any relief I can get, real or not, I will take it.:sad:

I can relate. I was dreaming of Matt Dillon (where did that come from lol) just giving me a sexy look like he wanted to sleep with me and that took away some of the pain of existence for a bit. Yep I would have liked to have stayed in that dream but they never turn out that great either. I have to get some lucid dreaming skills before I die.
 

defiance

Well-known member
I can relate. I was dreaming of Matt Dillon (where did that come from lol) just giving me a sexy look like he wanted to sleep with me and that took away some of the pain of existence for a bit. Yep I would have liked to have stayed in that dream but they never turn out that great either. I have to get some lucid dreaming skills before I die.

Mastering lucid dreaming would be amazing.
 
Just trying to get through the day in one piece. Man, my life's hard enough as it is, without struggling with depression. A bit less depressed today, but the day is still unbearably long. :sad:
 
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I was going so well, for the last few months, until this week. The depression returned, for no apparent reason. These are the times when you're like 'what the hell, just go and top yourself already'. If only it were that easy... :sad:
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
I cannot believe how debilitating it is to not have enough money to do anything. I have great business ideas, I need start up money so badly it is killing me. I know I could do many great things if I could qualify for a loan of some sort.

I hate that I cannot even be considered because I tried and failed financially before.

How to hell are you suppose to learn if you don't have the opportunity to try and fail?

Rich people have it so fuking easy. They can go around stealing ideas, ruining the planet and using people like slaves all the while hording all of the money. Am I the only one who this makes mad? smh
 

defiance

Well-known member
I was going so well, for the last few months, until this week. The depression returned, for no apparent reason. These are the times when you're like 'what the hell, just go and top yourself already'. If only it were that easy... :sad:

Well I am happy to hear that you get breaks from it. Every now and then I get a break from it but rarely. I know the feeling of wanting the pain to end all to well. I was asking myself this question this morning "If I am on this planet and I get no joy and only pain out of it, why should I stick around?" The only answer I found was so the few people that matter to me won't be miserable when I am gone. I am literally alive so a few people won't be sad. Hang in there until this s**t storm passes, and hopefully soon.
 

defiance

Well-known member
I feel as if I am in the pits of hell....I AM NOT OK....MAN THIS S**T JUST DOESN'T GET ANY EASIER...WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO...............MAKE IT STOP....MAKE THIS PAIN STOP:crying::kickingmyself:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
I feel as if I am in the pits of hell....I AM NOT OK....MAN THIS S**T JUST DOESN'T GET ANY EASIER...WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO...............MAKE IT STOP....MAKE THIS PAIN STOP:crying::kickingmyself:

I can relate. Well, from the stand-point of someone with a physical disability, I can relate to wanting the pain to end. And for things to get easier.
 
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