How are you feeling?

[PugofCrydee]

I cannot believe how debilitating it is to not have enough money to do anything. I have great business ideas, I need start up money so badly it is killing me. I know I could do many great things if I could qualify for a loan of some sort.

I hate that I cannot even be considered because I tried and failed financially before.

How to hell are you suppose to learn if you don't have the opportunity to try and fail?

Rich people have it so fuking easy. They can go around stealing ideas, ruining the planet and using people like slaves all the while hording all of the money. Am I the only one who this makes mad? smh

I totally agree with you. If you don't have resources to start with it makes it very, very difficult to even get a foothold.
Yep, people who already have money have got it made so easy. :thumbdown:

 

[Graeme1988]

Don't know, really. In one sense, glad that I didn't let my anxiety get the better of me. The whole fight or flight notion. But in another way, seeing just how controlled and dictated my life has been by those around me who are older, but no necessarily wiser. As well as how much of an outsider I am within ma own culture.

There's something liberating, and quite depressing, about that, really. :sad:
Makes me wish things were different for me, y'know?

 

[theslowesthand]

I feel as if I am in the pits of hell....I AM NOT OK....MAN THIS S**T JUST DOESN'T GET ANY EASIER...WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO...............MAKE IT STOP....MAKE THIS PAIN STOP:crying::kickingmyself:

I've been to this place many a time in the past - i call it "hell central". Not a nice place. :thumbdown:
May i suggest slow, deep breathing? Just focus on the act of breathing. All will be fine, in time. All things pass.
Also what has really helped me in my down-times is listening to blues music (i'm listening now to neil young). Music is sth a bit more active, as i struggle with meditating/etc. And you can play faster blues if you're in a more aggro mood (eg cream, hendrix). Or really any music that works for you. You just play what your mood requires.

 

[theslowesthand]

Been to town today. Saw this cute little malasian doctor, in a frilly dress. She looked like a girl. Made a wee joke; she said sth like 'i'll just ... lay down on the bed here', i quipped 'oh, you wanna lay down?'. So now i'm paying for being in the company of that beautiful creature, by feeling really alone, sad & lonely, knowing full well that i'll most likely never ever get a woman friend. It's always the case that going abroad "upsets the apple cart". I can usually handle blotting-out reality, being able to NOT see the forest for the trees, by staying completely away from society. But when i do go abroad, WHAM, it hits me like a ton of bricks; completely screws my mood for the rest of the day, and sometimes for several days do i suffer the aftereffects (increased anxiety, heartache, depression, etc) :sad: :crying:

'I'm so lonesome every day' (playing everly brothers now; after roy orbison; & drinking)

 

[PugofCrydee]

sooo fking hot... and humid = /

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I hate shopping for clothes.

I'm annoyed that I can't just go into the store and try some boots on and buy them like a regular person. I've been looking around online, but I don't like the idea of it.

 

[Graeme1988]

Pissed off, I hate that I'm treated as the dumb one o' the family.
Always asked stupidly obvious question, taken advantage of and talked down to, like I'm mentally not all there. :kickingmyself:

 

[defiance]

Been to town today. Saw this cute little malasian doctor, in a frilly dress. She looked like a girl. Made a wee joke; she said sth like 'i'll just ... lay down on the bed here', i quipped 'oh, you wanna lay down?'. So now i'm paying for being in the company of that beautiful creature, by feeling really alone, sad & lonely, knowing full well that i'll most likely never ever get a woman friend. It's always the case that going abroad "upsets the apple cart". I can usually handle blotting-out reality, being able to NOT see the forest for the trees, by staying completely away from society. But when i do go abroad, WHAM, it hits me like a ton of bricks; completely screws my mood for the rest of the day, and sometimes for several days do i suffer the aftereffects (increased anxiety, heartache, depression, etc) :sad: :crying:

'I'm so lonesome every day' (playing everly brothers now; after roy orbison; & drinking)

It can be tough because when you are out there with everyone else in society, every now and then you are reminded of the good things that you are missing out on. I've been there all to many times myself. It sucks man it just really fking sucks. Listen to those good tunes and hopefully you'll be out of that jam in no time.

 

[theslowesthand]

Although i have just gotten rid of the black dog, for now, i still nevertheless seem to be heading towards apathy & inactivity again. Wasting the days away in bed, in boredom, or in both. That pattern of behavior seems to be drawing me in quite readily at present. To go with the flow or not? I think maybe not, if it ends up with me in the rut, idle, instead of constantly moving around the circle; a rolling stone gathers no moss, & that. Oh well, aside from going back to therapy, then what can i do? Constantly fight my idle-listic urges? :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh, just wishing I was normal, like those around me. :sad: As I have done since I was a child. It's shite having to so open about being disabled when it not so obvious. Makes me feel self conscious, even embarrassed. Because it just makes me realise how boring, bleak and isolated I am within my own community. As well as just how much of my life is a struggle. I, honestly, feel detached. But then it difficult not to constantly compare my shitty life to that of fit, able-bodied, fully functioning people. Since that's all I see around me.

Sorry, just venting. Don't mean to make anyone reading this upset, or feel sorry for me.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Bojangled and Dr. Peppered, in other words: gooooood.

 

[AtTheGates]

im hopeful that the future will be bright but right now in the present things are going to be really hard...and they arent going to get easier anytime soon. I'm just so glad I have this job now so that I can start making some real progress. I suppose its kind of a new chapter in my life...I wonder how it will go..that gives me kind of an uncomfortable feeling because idk what to expect...


my comfort zone is the past,..things like its routine, normalcy, ect.....I dont like change and when things DO change I'm always thinking about how id like things to go back to how they USED to be...but its impossible to stop time I guess....iv had moments where I wished I could just stop time and be in that moment for way longer...like just hold on to a person, place, or segment of my life FOREVER...but of course thats impossible...I just have to push forward into the next chapter and hope that I can find moments like that again in the future .





reminds me of a quote from ocarina of time:

"Time passes, people move. Like a river's flow, it never ends. A childish mind will turn to noble ambition. The clear water's surface reflects growth."

 

[defiance]

I have forgotten what it feels like to wake up in the mornings and feel positive and good about my upcoming day. All I feel in the morning is "I wish I was dead, I feel like a loser, I am a burden and people would have been better off if I wasn't around." I just don't know what I am supposed to do.

 

[AtTheGates]

I have forgotten what it feels like to wake up in the mornings and feel positive and good about my upcoming day. All I feel in the morning is "I wish I was dead, I feel like a loser, I am a burden and people would have been better off if I wasn't around." I just don't know what I am supposed to do.

i feel like that to when I wake up most mornings. I just have to put myself on auto-pilot and hope that if I put in consistent effort day in and day out that maybe things will get better down the road.

there are certain things that I really have to push out of my mind when I wake up because my instincts are pretty much telling me "just give up. get back in bed, loser. you know you want to"..Im trying to get into the habit of not thinking so negatively about myself first thing in the morning .


there are many aspects of my life I NEED to improve but I'm just doing one aspect at a time so i dont overwhelm myself.

 

[Graeme1988]

I have forgotten what it feels like to wake up in the mornings and feel positive and good about my upcoming day. All I feel in the morning is "I wish I was dead, I feel like a loser, I am a burden and people would have been better off if I wasn't around." I just don't know what I am supposed to do.

Yep! Me as well, defiance. :sad: Felt that way for a few years now, but I'd dare not say it out-loud. Since my family don't like when I say that, despite just being honest about how I feel. :idontknow: Also, that brought in mind of a lyric that features in a song by one of my favourite bands. Oddly enough...

 

[Graeme1988]

Had a slightly unproductive day, just sat and watched YouTube videos, mostly.


But I did manage to get those cables moved and plugged into my electric piano keyboard, so that ready to plug into my new USB-powered interface and play through my laptop. And found a couple of electric guitar which might sell, since I don't need and didn't use them much.

Aside from that, I really need to do a spring clean at some point, my room in such a cluttered state, I'm starting to lose things.

 

[AtTheGates]

Had a slightly unproductive day, just sat and watched YouTube videos, mostly.


But I did manage to get those cables moved and plugged into my electric piano keyboard, so that ready to plug into my new USB-powered interface and play through my laptop. .

I used to have an alesis keyboard that plugged into my laptop. its really relaxing to just put on some headphones and mess around with different synth kits.



what type of music software do you use?

 

[Graeme1988]

I used to have an alesis keyboard that plugged into my laptop. its really relaxing to just put on some headphones and mess around with different synth kits.



what type of music software do you use?

For the keyboard I'm using virtual instrument software for the keyboard. SampleTank by IK Multimedia.

It's got a library of various synths, as well as orchestra strings and other instruments, like bagpipes and accordian. As well as some drum loops, which you can trigger using the lower octave keys.

 

[theslowesthand]

Lonely. Whatever "company" i have, i ALWAYS end up being deserted sooner or later. So nothing is worth it's weight in salt even, it seems. Dust, maybe.

'Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me'


Gosh, i need to find a metaphysical forum somewhere.

 

[Graeme1988]

^ Been listening to the Smashing Pumkins lately. Good choice. :thumbup:
Are they supposed be doing new album, reunited the original, "classic" line-up this year? :question:

Anyway, I've just been listening ambient, meditative shite or imainly instrumental music to calm myself. Since my fam are determined to undermined me, everytime I make - what I think is - a sensible decision. :kickingmyself:

Apparently the better idea, rather than make the most of thngs, is buy more to stuff. Spend more money. Thanks sis - greatest advice ever! You're living off two hundred quid a month, right? :veryangry:

Anybuddy live with, or have, family like this? Where they act like their age means they, somehow, huv a better idea of what's best for you? Cuz you the young 'un - naive and dumb, etc? C*nts, the lotta them!